Equestrian Professionals & Amateurs with Mental Illness or Substance Abuse

[wbponyx]

I’m not sure if this topic belongs in this section or if it belongs in off topic.

I’m wondering about professionals (or amateurs) in the riding industry who have any mental illnesses or substance addiction. Do any of you guys deal with mental health issues, or substance abuse, and ride? Are any of you professionals? Does anyone know a professional trainer/rider that has a mental illness or addiction? (alcoholism, drug abuse, etc)

I am curious to know about the population of the equestrian world that deals with these struggles.

I am an alcoholic diagnosed with bipolar disorder, that has been a professional rider and trainer, but is taking time out to focus on my mental and physical health. I’d really like to hear anyone else’s stories or experiences with those professional or amateur in the horse world that have gone through anything similar to me.

[clanter]

Do any of you guys deal with mental health issues,

well, we own horses

[Janet]

Their was a piece in the COTH (both print and on line) within the last year about a former top pro who had dealt with severe alcohol and drug problems. He now has some official position in USEF related to that issue. Unfortunately, I can’t remember his name or his new role.

[Marla_100]

Having had friends with similar issues, I believe you need to get to the most basic explanation of WHY you chose

to mask your pain with alcohol. There could be many reasons but a good therapist can help you uncover the reasons.

Usually it involves psychic trauma in years prior, and instead of dealing with that trauma you CHOSE to minimize it

by trying to cover it up. Look closely at your most intimate relationships for answers. Also birth family.

I wish you well in your journey. Deal with this one day at a time.

[luv2lope]

I have borderline personality disorder. I will start off by saying that I am not your typical “suck the life right out of someone” borderline. A lot of people are very surprised to hear that I have BPD. I have my off days here and there, not as bad at what it used to be when I was in my teens and 20’s-- I’m 30 now. I am not a professional rider either.

My horse is my therapy. If I didn’t have horses, I would have nothing. To be honest, I would probably not be here on this earth if it weren’t for horses.

The hardest thing for me is going anywhere with my horse (shows, clinics, etc.). Oh my god, I get so wound up and if one little thing doesn’t go right, then I just shut down and refuse to go. I’m a total flake when it comes to showing, and it drives me up a wall because I absolutely want to show and I love showing…it’s just the “getting there” part.

I have decided that this year is the year I quit saying “no, I can’t go” and start saying “yes, you ARE doing this!”

[00Seven]

Not sure if this is what you were looking for, but Eric Lamaze has had issues with cocaine in the past.

http://www.thecanadianencyclopedia.ca/en/article/lamaze-drug-case/

[Mara]

@Janet

Their was a piece in the COTH (both print and on line) within the last year about a former top pro who had dealt with severe alcohol and drug problems. He now has some official position in USEF related to that issue. Unfortunately, I can’t remember his name or his new role.

Bill Rube. He also posts on the forums.

[Scribbler]

I feel like mental health issues and substance abuse issues are a bit different, and I feel they have different repercussions for a pro or an amateur (and different repercussions for an amateur competitor or a mostly recreational rider).

For instance owning one horse can be a very healing thing for someone with cyclical depression, but a trainer trying to run a barn under pressure with depression could get into a lot of trouble.

Also with pros, don’t forget the impact of multiple TBI starting at an early age and likely not diagnosed. I’ve been on about this before, but I’ve watched a number of people close to me struggle with the long lasting effects of head injuries and these certainly cause mood swings.

[shayaalliard]

I have autism, social anxiety, some depression.
Horses make SO MUCH MORE SENSE to me than most people. I work to my strengths- I can remember EVERYTHING about, well, anything. So I sell tack- I know all about every single item and what to use it for and when and why and and…

I also do pretty well training, although I have never actually done so as a pro- but I’ve helped a lot of newbies out and some green horses too.

I have a strong preference for sensitive, soft animals who need confidence- Even dogs and other animals who are afraid of people rarely fear me. Our minds work the same way.

People, now that’s another problem. I pretty strongly dislike most humans in person, so my whole social circle is online- BUT I am confident in a teaching role- I work with people all day every day, I have been in retail since 2000 and management since 2003.

I fake it REALLY well- typical of girls on the spectrum.

[mmeqcenter]

I have some anxiety issues and mild “just right” OCD. For the former, most of my anxiety seems to deal with driving - all-out panic attacks in the mountains and on bridges, strong anxiety but no panic attacks driving in new places, at night, and/or in the rain. Anxiety does creep into other parts of life, but driving is significantly the worst. The latter, I do this thing where if I touch something with one hand, I have to touch it with the other so they “feel the same.” Or right now, typing, if more of the letters use my right hand I’ll make extra swipes with my left hand so they feel the same. I used to pull out my eyelashes and eyebrows and pull off the split ends of my hair - Trichotillomania, which I’ve read is an OCD and/or an anxiety disorder. Which one is true, I don’t know. I have mostly gotten it under control - very occasionally I’ll pull on my eyebrows a bit to feel the “relief” without actually pulling out any hairs. I’ve maintained decent eyebrows and eyelashes for about three years now :Dwoo! I do occasionally have intrusive thoughts, which is another OCD symptom, particularly Pure-O, which my “just right” thing fits under also. This also seems to be mostly tied to driving, and are images rather than word thoughts - I don’t think “What would happen if I drove off this bridge right now?” I literally have a brief vision of my car falling off the bridge, which I’m then immediately horrified by and terrified of.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Primar…lsive_disorder
A lot discussed on the Wikipedia page fits.

I’d never thought about social anxiety much until now, but reading the symptoms apparently I’ve got that a bit too. I’m fine with meeting new people in social settings, chatting with strangers waiting for the bus or something, can tolerate teasing and criticism (depending on the person - my twin sister can shove it ;)), meeting authority figures, etc. I don’t like being the center of attention, I absolutely detest the “get to know each other” games of going around the room and saying something about yourself (I literally rehearse what I’m going to say over and over in my head until it’s my turn, and it still never comes out right), and I don’t do speeches.
I am very much an introvert. I enjoy being around people for short periods of time, it completely drains me. I’m not scared of meeting new people, I’ll happily take part in multiple conversations at a party or the bar or something, yet I’m perfectly happy people-watching in the background. My boyfriend is extremely social and extroverted, and sometimes we have little “tiffs” because he thinks I’m being anti-social at a party or that I’m not having fun and I’m not trying to and I’m like dude, I’m having a great time over here by myself, chill it out. :lol:

I’m not really a Pro but I do show Open because I don’t care who I’m showing against, and I don’t want to be constantly worried about doing something that may change my Amateur status.

I do not have substance abuse issues.

I took anxiety medication once for a few months, but it started making me really drowsy so I stopped and haven’t tried anything else. I’ve never mentioned the “just right” OCD to a doctor, or really anyone except my boyfriend before now.

[Milocalwinnings]

I’m not a professional, just someone who likes the occasional leisurely hack, but I have PTSD/depression/anxiety… it’s the reason I bought my horses… when I was in a treatment program we did equine therapy, and I realized that I had forgotten how calming horses can be for the soul and how well they are able to read our emotions.

[vxf111]

@Mara

Bill Rube. He also posts on the forums.

He’s been very open about his sobriety/recovery. It’s refreshing to see.

[demidq]

Maria 100- I am an addiction medicine physician with more years of experience than I care to say. You are wrong. Some people with the disease of addiction (or substance use disorder as it is now called) have trauma related issues, some have mental health diagnoses, some do not. There is a genetic component to the disease, there is the learned behaviour component and there is the “I am masking other problems” component. Psychotherapy “to find out why I use” is NOT the answer altho it may help. There must be behavioural change, learning to cope with uncomfortable emotions, sometimes medication and always a recognition that they need to change in order to heal. Counselling and support help the sufferer learn to deal with life on life’s terms. Not to be different, but to change- this is an active process.

I have had too many patients that tell me that if only they knew WHY they use they would be able to stop. This is not true, and it is very unhelpful to tell someone that they have CHOSEN to have this disease. The same is true for other mental illnesses.

Rant over.

Carry on.

[RPM]

@Scribbler

I feel like mental health issues and substance abuse issues are a bit different, and I feel they have different repercussions for a pro or an amateur (and different repercussions for an amateur competitor or a mostly recreational rider).

For instance owning one horse can be a very healing thing for someone with cyclical depression, but a trainer trying to run a barn under pressure with depression could get into a lot of trouble.

Also with pros, don’t forget the impact of multiple TBI starting at an early age and likely not diagnosed. I’ve been on about this before, but I’ve watched a number of people close to me struggle with the long lasting effects of head injuries and these certainly cause mood swings.

Good post. I tried to PM you but the PM function doesn’t seem to be working.

Do any of you know how to send a PM now? I’ve done it many times but it’s not working tonight.

[Ladylexie]

@demidq

Maria 100- I am an addiction medicine physician with more years of experience than I care to say. You are wrong. Some people with the disease of addiction (or substance use disorder as it is now called) have trauma related issues, some have mental health diagnoses, some do not. There is a genetic component to the disease, there is the learned behaviour component and there is the “I am masking other problems” component. Psychotherapy “to find out why I use” is NOT the answer altho it may help. There must be behavioural change, learning to cope with uncomfortable emotions, sometimes medication and always a recognition that they need to change in order to heal. Counselling and support help the sufferer learn to deal with life on life’s terms. Not to be different, but to change- this is an active process.

I have had too many patients that tell me that if only they knew WHY they use they would be able to stop. This is not true, and it is very unhelpful to tell someone that they have CHOSEN to have this disease. The same is true for other mental illnesses.

Rant over.

Carry on.

Thank you. This was told to us at AA to my husband. I lost him to addiction officially on Sept 3 2014 . I actually lost his spirit well before thst.

[hyperbemily]

I have been lurking on and off these forums for a long time now and this post is the first one that actually got me to come out of my hidey hole and make an account so I could respond.

I’m an amateur rider and professional groom, I’ve ridden up through 4th level, I did FEI Juniors, and I’ve schooled almost all of the Grand Prix. I’ve also dabbled in a little bit of literally everything, from eventing/combined training, to saddleseat (with my super patient Appaloosa), to competing for my university’s IHSA team.

I’ve been diagnosed with depression, though I also show several symptoms for both bipolar and BPD, but haven’t been formally diagnosed with either and refuse to truly self-diagnose. I have fibromyalgia which is a pretty major cause of my depression, since I was an elite athlete with very big dreams up until I got sick, riding 3-6 horses a day and then almost overnight I could barely walk down the hall in my house without having to rest. And no, I don’t have a huge house.

I also showed signs of alcoholism/addiction when I was in college and have to be very careful with certain habits. I realized that my drinking habits were not healthy and when I talked to my parents about it my dad decided to fill me in that several members of his side of the family were alcoholics when they were still alive. You know, information that would’ve been helpful BEFORE I went to college.

But really the reason why I came out of my hidey hole is this: I’ve attempted suicide before. I’ve spent time in a psych ward before. The one thing I know that was always there for me on the other side was my horse. I didn’t know how my friends or family were going to handle my mental illness, or knowing that I was “the crazy one,” but I knew that I was always, without a doubt, going to have the unconditional love of my four legged friends, and because of that it didn’t really matter to me what any people thought.

[snowrider]

I was a young pro who quit due to the pervasive tolerance for bad behavior in the horse industry. Some of it is mental illness, some of it is addiction, some of it is head injuries and some of it is trust fund babies who’ve never been told “no”. A lot of the professionals and a significant minority of the clients are just impossible to deal with in an ethical adult way and so I quit. I know oodles and oodles of other former top juniors who briefly worked in the industry or worked a few summers during college and did the same. It’s why the industry is dying here imho. The Western world is much more normal, there are kooks and cults there too but a lot less and far, far, far more normal people who ride for fun and have normal social skills. And aren’t animal hoarders.

I also rode in Europe quite a bit at several different points and the tolerance for bad behavior is MUCH lower there. There is still crooked dealings but being a completely unprofessional lunatic with 36 rescue cats in your hovel and a drinking problem is much less common. Probably because a) it’s an actual industry with qualifications you can lose and its much easier for normal, non wealthy people to work as coaches or riders and b) the creepy US trainer-client dynamic doesn’t really exist there. Also there is much more choice for people to ride and places to work.

[BPDalter]

Using an alter for obvious reasons .

I’m a professional in the horse world (won’t say which discipline so as to not be identified so easily), have been for a dozen years. I have Borderline Personality Disorder with comorbid Bipolar type 2. I’m also a man, so deal with the stigma of being BPD when it’s often seen as a “woman thing”. I’ve dealt with substance abuse issues for about half my life. Like @luv2lope, I’m a quiet BPD. I internalize when things go bad and turn inward. I’ve been casually suicidal since I was about 15, I’m almost in my mid 30s now. Hospitalized on psychiatric units twice, once as an adolescent, once as an adult. Also underwent inpatient substance abuse/mental health treatment once.

While I haven’t 100% conquered my substance abuse issues, I no longer drink heavily or daily. Mostly stick to cannabis these days and can finally take a break from that while not having a total breakdown.

I’m not sure what would happen if I wasn’t in the horse business and had to work a normal 9-5 job. Chances are I wouldn’t be here right now. The vast majority of my clients have no idea about my history, though I’m sure a few may suspect something once in awhile. I have a hard time not wearing my heart on sleeve, though I’m getting better at feigning normality when I have to teach lessons or be around people.

Any questions feel free to ask

[Jumping31]

I struggle with anxiety/depression and on and off joint pains.
The depression started years ago after a traumatic family incident and only recently did I truly release myself from it and found happiness in moving on from it. In turn, I began to have anxiety attacks and it only worsened after a rough year of showing/emotionally abusive riding instructor and the build up of years of frustration and worries. My joint pains flare up once in a while, whether it’s the knees, hips, or lower back and sometimes it’s painful to walk.

But horses and riding has been the only thing I’ve looked forward to all week sometimes. It’s my therapy and it’s my safe place. I’ve learned such valuable life lessons through horses and it’s helped me meet some great people. Now, I don’t show as much because I’ve found it to be one of the worst triggers for my anxiety but maybe someday I’ll get back to it. My current riding instructor is amazingly supportive and has helped me gain a lot of confidence and patience in myself.

Case in point, even if you struggle with mental/emotional/physical problems, you can find your own safe place in horses and it can do wonders for you.

[SnortyPants]

There is also a component to the stress of competition that can complicate and amplify mental health problems, especially at very high levels, even when one wins everything. Maybe even especially so, as competitors are mentally conditioned to thrive under a certain amount of stress, and when that stress and striving suddenly disappears, it alters one’s identity and daily life. Also, as anyone with post vacation blues can attest, there is an adjustment period after a pleasurable experience thst difficult to deal with: perhaps the greater the elation, the worse the reintegration into regular life. I just recently saw this article about Charlotte Dujardin, and I think I read that Michael Phelps was suicidal and had substance abuse issues following competitions. http://www.horseandhound.co.uk/features/charlotte-dujardin-mental-health-647473