Falling is so, so challenging to come back from. While I appreciate the little voice in my head keeping me from killing myself most of the time, sometimes it feels like the “lizard brain” just doesn’t shut up when I’m trying to come back from a fall. I can rationalize what I am meant to be doing/should be doing/how I ought to ride, but the lizard brain seems to override and I end up playing in the sandbox of defensive riding with some pretty ugly habits.
The good news: it gets better. Truly, it does. I love the comments above from others who are reminding you that you need to be kind to yourself. Falling is frightening. Coming back after a fall is hard. Don’t compare your riding now to what it was pre-fall. You’re a different person, and have taken in some new (somewhat painfully gained) data. Accept your riding where it’s at now, and work to improve it from there.
Take as many opportunities as you have to ride those packers. The more muscle memory you can get to build up confidence (and a response to that lizard brain, “see, hey, it’s fine”) the better off you are.
Likewise, on your own horse, set yourself up for success. I know we can’t anticipate everything but if cantering right now is a battle, then don’t canter. Work on relaxation and control at the walk. Build it up to the trot. Work on your breathing (and sing some silly ditty!) for starters, and then work on giving. It can be overexaggerated at first, finesse will come later. Be patient, be kind, and be repetitious with calm, (“boring”), non-dramatic things that will build up your bank of “good experiences”.
Story-time… The first horse I owned, I fell off probably about four weeks after purchase. It wasn’t really his fault, I own up to complete rider error. That said, I ended up getting rolled off his shoulder (more startling than painful), but ended up underneath his belly. He, bless his sweet, sweet soul, just stood there until I extricated myself. No harm, no foul, not even a bruise or a scrape - but the mental toll it took on me was insane. The fall was probably mid march, and I was not “myself” in certain situations (for us, the trigger was jumping - specifically, approaching fences) for nearly six months. I was a younger rider, and not as experienced, and I wish I knew then what I know now - I think I would be much more successful at bringing myself back from it in good form (as evidenced by the fact when I fell off of him in later years, it bothered me less and less).
That said, part of our “approach the fence” drama involved a tug of war. I felt like I was getting run away with so grabbed and held, which meant he actually would lean against the bit and go, since I was giving him nowhere to go. From that, my takeaway: grab strap, martingale strap, or put a few braids with brightly colored bands in the mane. Give your hands somewhere to go that is forward, down (instead of the up/back foetal position we all seem to favor in our “oh sh!t” moments…) and a release. It doesn’t need to be exaggerated if you have a hard time talking yourself into putting your hands way forward. Two inches, an inch - just enough so your horse can feel “give”. Giving yourself a marker (visually, and by touch) will make it so during your rides you can check yourself. “Oh right, give.” and in the event something starts to evoke feelings of panic or worry for you, you can consciously go “right, hands, I’ve put them to the braid, don’t pull back now…”
And of course, repetition. It sucks to have to come back from a fall, but with a nice horse as it sounds you’ve got, I believe that you can do it. Be forgiving and patient with yourself. The rest will come.
