[QUOTE=Wellspotted;6626185]
It may not qualify as a disability, but it certainly can be disabling!
My problem is, I don’t know if I get scared because of the symptoms of my own disabilities, or if fear exacerbates the symptoms. What I do know is that on the infrequent occasions I get up on a horse, I start to hyperventilate (not badly, and not out of control), and feel like the whole makeup of my body changes. I feel like it’s changing from a warm, flexible, breathing, moving organism to a frozen, shaky, one, like all the molecules are locking together to hold everything in shape–and very tense!
I hate it, but the more I try to get over it, the worse it gets.
Plus all the aches and pains make it even harder to relax. :sigh:[/QUOTE]
I know what you are talking about. The fear cycle is terrible and up till recently I could not have understood it if I tried.
Those who know me would have described me as a confident, strong rider. One capable of handling difficult and young horses with ease.
Not the case now. Last year I was in a riding accident and fractured 4 thoracic vertebrae and sustained a spinal cord contusion & spinal concussion. Real lucky to be walking much less riding. It’s been a painful journey.
I thought I was ready to ride a few months ago and was pretty excited. After getting in the saddle I was a bit nervous (not a problem). When the wind picked up and the horse showed a sign of life, I almost had a nervous break down.
And that’s how it went each time I tried to ride. Sometimes I’d stay in the saddle for 1/2 hour or a few minutes. I was trying so hard to do what once made me happy, except every ride was preempted by me having an internal conversation about “how it was going to be ok, you can do this, you just need to ride more often, don’t be afraid”. Then, I’d get on and all of a sudden the world was very dangerous on top of a horse. Leaves rusting, sounds, the wind, horses at a distance…you name it, I labeled it a life hazard.
One day, I had a family member video me (so I could see my mistakes). While walking, the horse looked sideways at something and I literally burst into tears. I was terrified.
For me, forcing myself into the saddle was not accomplishing anything. Part of the problem was/is pain management. The other part was letting go of the feeling that I could not control the outcome of a given situation.
I sought help from trainers but am unable to find one willing to assist because of the nature of my injuries (ie, they see me too risky, lol…don’t want me hitting the ground on their property).
Fortunately I have friends who’ve been helpful. One particular, who has been kind enough to bring her golden oldie of almost 30 years out of retirement. When I want to ride, I ride him. My friend fusses at me about equitation and reminds me that I don’t have to test everything I know. Staying within my comfort (pain) zone is the goal, along with getting my body & mind congruent while in the saddle.
There are some that I have felt look down on me because I have lost that “go get 'em” attitude…more than once been told “you just need to ride more to get over it”. What they fail to realize is that my body simply does not work as strongly as it did before. On many levels, my pain does contribute to the fear. Is some of it irrational…absolutely, but it does not make it any less real to me.
LOL…forgive the long essay because I don’t think I’ve contributed much except to empathize. As it is, I’m still a work in progress. Certainly will be re-reading this thread and following it because I too, will gain from others responses.