I put my good dog down 3 yrs ago and I still cry sometimes. You’ll grieve and then grieve some more. And then you’ll think you’re whole again and you’ll read about another person losing a beloved fur baby and you’ll grieve some more for the both of you.
Hugs
The thing that jumps out at me is that you have had so many losses in a relatively short time. I am sorry you got slammed like that. That numbness is how we cope, at first…I know, obviously. For my losses, it has sometimes taken years for the happy memories and gratefulness for what I had (I.e. the best dog, the best horse) to outweigh the pain of losing them. Here’s hoping that will come for you before too long.
after our son died, whenever we would start start his truck his horses would whinny looking for him. Finally gave the truck to a friend for him to use it on his ranch.
I’m sorry, Clanter. I can’t imagine.
I, too, have had to euthanize a beloved horse recently. I, too, have stifled my grief. I vacillate between attributing my stoicism to having grown up on a farm where creatures were always dying, crediting philosophical approaches that value stoicism, and wondering why I am uncomfortable with uncontrollable emotion…contributing to my numbness, I think, is the fact that I am old, my one remaining horse is old, my companion animals are all “senior”….Making plans, moving ahead? Feel like I am presently stuck….
Today i have to put down a Highland who has cancer… Three days ago, i shot his partner, born a few days before him and they’ve lived their entire lives side-by-side, who had slipped and either broke his leg or dislocated his hip, dunno…but he could not get up. It was really really hard to kill him. Today i am having the vet come and shoot that poor guy’s best friend. I can’t do it. And this morning, i had planned to shoot one of our elderly sheep, who, passed away during the night on his own. I’m telling you, sometimes it is really really hard loving and caring for animals. And the more you have, the more often death comes. The circle of life and None of us gets out of this alive…that is what i constantly need to remind myself of. And, this i know is true, that the heart is a muscle, and the more you use it the stronger it gets. So much easier to love than to be without love…
I am so very sorry to hear about your losses.
As to grieving, it can take time.
In the two cases I remember best in my own experience, it took months, then hit me out of the blue when a memory was triggered and tore me apart.
Good relief, though, finally.
In each case the trigger was a song.
I wish you patience with yourself, and peace.
I too have had trouble feeling that I had failed to properly grieve , but just reading your story and the replies brought tears to my eyes. I’ll only say, you didn’t do anything wrong. Stuff happens, especially with horses. Many hugs to you.
That is a beautiful sentiment. 
I’m sorry you are having a tough time right now. I love those Highlands. They’re almost regal in their countenance.
How heartbreaking. I am truly sorry for your loss. Prayers and hugs to you, your wife and daughter.
So sorry to read this.
{Cyberhug} 
I know what you mean about compartmentalizing your losses. I do the same thing.
I used to be able to cry, but I cried and grieved for days and weeks and even months sometimes. It didn’t seem healthy and it felt like the grief never lifted. When I compartmentalize, I can still function and go about normal daily business and tend to my other animals and it’s okay. I guess I process it differently now, is all. I rarely cry anymore. I feel it differently. Perhaps we do, as adults?
When I had to have my beloved Nigel kitty put to sleep last year, I met the vet before work, took him home and buried him, then went to work and taught class because I just couldn’t take the day off - we were already behind. I had also done a lot of grieving beforehand, as his was a slow decline. But now, whenever I see photos of him, or memories popping up on Facebook (like on Monday, the memory popped up where I was celebrating the fact that he’d tested clean for the histoplasmosis that almost killed him), it’s hard to see those eyes and know I couldn’t save him. On the other hand, I can’t wallow in that guilt because I have other kitties at home who need me.
Have you considered some grief counseling? A lot of therapists are beginning to focus more and more on helping people through the loss of pets. It might help you process some of the pent-up feelings and talk through how you’re feeling about your horse’s death.
I’m sorry for your losses.
For some reason, reading that the loss of alpine skier Michaela Schriffen’s dad in 2020 has affected her performance in the Olympics this week really resonated with me… logically, that doesn’t “make sense” and yet it made total sense to me in some innate way. Grief affects us in unexpected ways. Some weeks are just hard for me to get it together for reasons I can’t put into words.
I think the pandemic has made it hard for me to move forward from the losses I experienced in the past 2 years. People often joked that time stood still and I think that, for me, it meant that every day was like I just lost my horse, my dog, another horse…
The description of the grief ball in a box makes total sense to me. I try to think of that when it’s a tough week - I guess some days the ball is big and sometimes it’s a little smaller. The buttons will always be there.
I meant tears, of course.
I am so sorry for your losses, everyone.
Grief is such an individual thing. I think everyone responds to loss differently.
To those who compartmentalize their grief, I do the same thing. Otherwise I could not function.
I had to put down my older mare 3 months ago. It really broke my heart, we’d been together for 20 years., and she was still going so well, but she got sick fast and hard. I held it together, that day, and the tears didn’t really come until I went back to the barn a few days later and ran into close horse friends there. In front of them, I could grieve and express all that I felt. They offered me horses to ride, told me not to be a stranger, etc. etc. I was so helpful.
To this day grief for my beloved dog, who died almost 10 years ago, can still overwhelm me at totally random times. Just the other day, driving back home from walking my current dog at the park (like we do almost every day), suddenly I remembered the good times my old dog and I had at that park, what a great, loving dog she was, and I bawled all the way home.
Virtual (HUGS) to all of you who have lost a beloved animal or human.
This. My gelding died 10 Feb 2020, and CA started its state of emergency 4 Mar. Time did stand still without activities to keep the mind busy and off the grief.
I’m sorry for your losses. 
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