Feel like I need to grieve but can't

[cllane1]

Last March I had to let the first horse I had bought as an adult go. Last June the beloved dog I had hand-raised from 24 hours go died at home. And yesterday I had to put my retired eventer to sleep, after he had gone down and couldn’t get back up. And of course I cried some at each of these times, but I feel like I haven’t really grieved any of them as I need to.

Life being what it is, I had to quickly compartmentalize each of their deaths: because I had to go to work, because I had to leave the day after my dog died for an 8 day trip out of town and got home to an injured stray that came up and had to have an amputation and had to deal with that, and now because I really don’t have anyone to talk to about what it’s like to lose a horse, especially in a situation where he struggled/possibly suffered before I could get to him.

My family and husband truly feel sympathy for me, but it doesn’t seem to penetrate my shell. I don’t want to bring it up at work because I like to keep my home life and work life separate and there’s no one at work I truly consider a friend.

I feel like it’s all caught up with me and wish I could have a good cry or some time to spend honoring their lives, but I haven’t been able to cry (well, I’m crying a little now, because knowing that horse people will understand and have been there is such a relief). I’ve had to soldier on and get things done each time, so I’ve had to push it down and now I feel like it needs to come out but I don’t know how.

I’m not sure what I’m looking for in terms of solutions or ideas, but it has helped to just put this out there.

[Scribbler]

Just go with the feelings as they emerge.

Dont start beating yourself up over not feeling the right thing at the right time.

Grief is internal and on its own timeline. No one outside can help or change what you feel. It doesn’t matter if people close to you “recognize” the grief or not, it doesn’t change it.

Grief gets difficult when it is mixed with guilt. Then you start to turn on yourself. You would probably benefit from a chat with a grief therapist that could help you sort out these feelings.

The people in your life are not going to know what to do with teary self accusations about how you let down your old horse, etc. You need to get over the guilt and shame about how that happened and then you can start to accept the loss. As long as you hold onto guilt for something that was likely not really your fault, you will be stuck and turning on yourself in a harmful way.

[SuzieQNutter]

Watch a sad movie. Test gives you permission to cry.

I am not a crier, but for me it was PS I love you. They called it a feel good movie. I cried through just about the whole damn thing. I would stop during the commercials and start again when it came back on.

[hoopoe]

There are mental health professionals who specialize in grief and pet loss. You might want to look in to on line or community resources. I am sorry for all your burdens.

[JBCool]

First off, HUGS!!! We have all been there.
Have you told DH what you told us? Maybe plan a quiet evening together and do just that. I know that alone would get me started. He may not know how to approach the subject either but knowing how you feel may give him a pathway or at least make him aware that you are still hurting. If you have to, let him read your original post. It’s ok to have to say “Whoa. Pause. I need to take care of this.” Just like you’ve got to let yourself heal from an injury, this is a heart/soul wound.
For instance, I have a lot of loss anniversaries in the month of March and my DH takes me out to eat at the end of the month to celebrate their lives & kiss the month goodbye.
Sending you lots of love.

Aside, @SuzieQNutter, I SOBBED through PS I Love You. Loved it but swore I would never watch it again.

[lorilu]

Sending hugs. Let the tears come as they do - when you clean his stall, fold up his blanket, take his bits off the bridle. They will come.
Grief is a process, not an event.

[frugalannie]

I wish there were magic words to bring comfort in these situations. More than once, I could have used them. My DH is the love of my life, but I was never able to grieve in front of him. He wanted to solve it by getting another horse or dog “right now”. I finally got him to understand that they aren’t fungible to me.

Two things helped me grieve. A non-judgemental hug from my riding coach that was so sincere tears flowed. And acknowledgement from a mental health professional that this was a valid and significant event (I wasn’t their patient) opened the walls I had built up to compartmentalize the grief and guilt.

Because at least for me, there’s always guilt that I couldn’t a) fix the problem that got us to that point, b) that I didn’t intervene sooner, and c) that my animals trusted me and made efforts to obey me despite the dire situation. The last brings tears even as I write this.

Be gentle with yourself. That’s the most important thing. And know that COTHers understand and will respond to you.

[RedHorses]

I found doing something to memorialize my horse helped. I went through all my photos after euthanizing my second horse and picked out the best and ones that showed me him. I went through those and winnowed out the best several times. I also wrote little descriptions, memories, incidents about him in a notebook. After six months or so I made a small scrapbook that combined the pictures, notes, and a poem I wrote. Immersing myself in the memories sparked by photos or notes often sparked tears and reminded me of the joy he brought into my life.

I wonder if you need to break past the guilty feeling and remember exactly what you’re missing so that you’re grieving that loss. (((hugs)))

[sweetsalute]

Cry when you need to. If you can, see if your partner is just willing to listen to whatever you feel you might need to say about it. I recently lost the family dog I grew up with, and I told my boyfriend the best thing he could do was just give me a hug and let me cry. I like to look back on photos and videos of her, she was the sweetest little thing who brought my family endless joy and I have nothing but happy memories of her.

I lost my mum very unexpectedly nearly five years ago. She was only 49, I was there and the images will haunt me until the day I die. My partner is about the only person I’ve ever spoken to about it in depth, and again, I told him that sometimes I just have to talk about it with someone I trust, and that I didn’t expect him to do anything but listen. Often I find people may be hesitant to listen because they don’t know what to say, and by reassuring them you don’t expect anything but listening (if indeed that is something that may help), that issue is solved. I struggle to look at photos of my mum, but enjoy talking about happy memories.

Of course the other avenue to consider is a counselor/therapist. I didn’t for personal reasons, but many many people find it invaluable.

Don’t put any pressure on yourself to “get over it” in any sort of time frame. Frankly I think the “time heals all wounds” thing is a load of bull. Maybe some people do. I know I’ll never get over my mum and it will never hurt less. I also don’t think I’ll ever stop missing that dog, and every other dog in the future. I know I’ll be a wreck and devastated when I lose my mare. But personally I don’t believe we ever really get over losing someone we love, and that’s ok.

[Fiesta01]

After the death of one of my mares, I didn’t want anything more to do with horses. I just didn’t want to contemplate the pain of losing another.

My horse friends’ solution: They came en masse to my house, demanded I put on riding clothes immediately and carted me to the barn. One friend put me up on her mare, Aly, and turned me loose in the empty ring. All Aly and I did that day was walk. And cry. (That was on my part).

There was something about that quiet ride, alone with a horse, that really helped me to start to come to grips with my grief for my own lost mare.

I think only other horse people can really understand this. Too much of society, even those who love animals, don’t understand that the connection with a horse is every bit as close and powerful as connections to cats and dogs.

I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that we all understand and are here for you when you need us. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

[exvet]

I too have had to soldier on after putting to sleep horses, dogs and/or cats that I had, all very close to my heart. Recently I had to put to sleep my dog of 13 years. I am a veterinarian so it was I that actually administered the pentobarbital. My daughter (an adult) held him while I injected. I was at work so crying was not really an option, I had surgery to do. Grieving has always been in some ways a luxury that time/responsibilities/my job has robbed me of more than once. However, it does sneak up on you. I can’t say the when or the where but it’s likely it will eventually sneak up on you too. My upbringing, my job and my genetic makeup (I am far too much like my father) makes showing sadness/acknowledgment of loss/grieving almost taboo; so, allowing myself to really grieve in the moment isn’t rarely possible. I wish I could because the impromptu and overwhelming grief when it has hit, has hit hard. As I always have, I pick myself up and move on; but boy has it always come out of nowhere and sometimes years after such an event. Hugs to you for the losses you’ve endured.

[cllane1]

Thank you all so much for sharing your stories. It has really helped a lot.

DH is a rock star, was with me when all three went. He had never been around horses and dogs until he met me. He’s definitely seeing the good, the bad and the ugly. I think he recognizes that I am still holding the grief inside me and wants to help. I’ll try to open up more to him.

I did send tail hair from the two horses to Pony Locks. I never did anything with my first horse’s tail, so think it’s fitting that they’ll be together now.

I may get my cry day today. Woke up with head/body aches, chills, little fever (home Covid test negative) that hurts so bad I’ve been crying off and on already. Going to spend a day in bed and wallow and weep maybe. It was hard to go down and feed my remaining horse this morning.

[NancyM]

Such kindness here on COTH. We’ve all been where you are now. Some things are never easy.

IME, try to concentrate on how LUCKY you were, to have such a great relationship with such a great horse and/or dog. Think about how much that animal taught you- honesty, courage, loyalty, kindness, helped you be a better human. Not everyone is as lucky as you are. You will extend what you have learned to your next horse, and dog. And to your DH. That is the gift you have been given… memories. Do those memories proud. That’s how you carry on.

[Pennywell_Bay]

I can really identify. I am not a typically open/crying person and my go-to is to soldier on.

Now I find I can have a good soul cleansing cry in my truck. I have a few songs that remind me : of my dad I lost, of a dog that was the love of my life etc. And I will listen to them over and over. Alone in my truck.

Honestly- since I am about a huggy a person as a cactus- this is very therapuetic for me.

[Djones]

I’m a doodler when I let myself just veg out and do it. Or take a long drive to nowhere and listen to whatever…songs that place me in a productive headspace to just feel. Or take a meandering walk with no goal. Just left and right and left and right. I think back on good times and funny memories and try to feel braiding their mane or rubbing that good dog’s head. The daily throughline of love and life that you enjoyed. We all do this grief thing differently. For me at least, sitting in ‘lucky’ doesn’t feel good. Sitting in appreciation of them and whatever little times come to mind, that feels good and whole.

[Paint_Party]

As others have said, we’re here for you, because we’ve walked in your shoes. Or boots.

I still cry when thinking about putting my old horse down. It’s been almost an entire year, and I have a lovely new horse, yet that pain and sense of loss remains.

I’m a solitary crier. Usually I go for a quiet hike on a trail, sit on a boulder somewhere and the tears just come. No one can hear me but the birds and squirrels. Yet I “feel” that my pain is heard and acknowledged by some spiritual power. That sort of experience helps me grieve.

Hope that helps.

[outerbanks77]

I read this a few weeks ago and thought it might offer some helpful thoughts. We lost our 16 year old dog in September and it is really painful still.

Why We Need to Take Pet Loss Seriously

[JBCool]

Sounds like a good start (ok, maybe not the being sick part, but maybe that’s the trigger you need) and that you’ve got a good support there when you’re ready. My DH has been through several with me, too. He also knows me well enough to know there’s something wrong even if I’m trying to “soldier on.” Just him saying, “Honey, I know you need to talk something out” is enough to open the flood gates. It may not come in an organized way, but it will.
And we’ll be here if you still need another outlet. Gosh, I wish I could give you a hug. Like Paint_Party said, we’ve all been through it. The circumstances may be different each time, but the pain is the same. Ask me how I know.

[eightpondfarm]

i understand. I think most of us here do.
The thing i’ve learned about loving an animal is they grow your heart. For me, that means that i always have room to love another.

For me, the ones that are gone, well, i have a good degree of trouble seeing their picture, or having their things around me. I don’t mind them living in my heart and my head, but i guess i don’t want visuals of what once was and is no longer… if that makes any sense…

[JBCool]

@eightpondfarm

The thing i’ve learned about loving an animal is they grow your heart. For me, that means that i always have room to love another.

When I put my previous horse down, my trainer told me that God gives horses and dogs shorter lives than ours so we can love more of them.