feel like i'm letting my horse down

[Buttonwillow]

I’m a mess. A few months ago I had a terrible, horrifying, heartbreaking experience at the barn where I was boarding (no animals were harmed and I got right out of there) that really screwed with my PTSD and took a good month to start to recover from. I felt I had been taken advantage of by a couple of people I thought were friends, was shocked at my poor ability to judge character, and have been spending a lot of time thinking about my own role in what happened and how I need to improve my own behavior. I’m just as crazy as anyone else in this scenario, but I never tried to hurt anyone.

Since the move, I no longer have a trainer. I really liked the one I had and felt she was good for me and my horse, but it just didn’t work out.

Right before I moved, I physically injured myself and it took about a month to get over that, as well. When I finally got back on, I promptly fell off onto cement and sprained my back. I’m just starting to ride again.

So now it’s a few months after the move and I’m at a much better barn in stunning surroundings. We have a better vet and a wonderful farrier. My horse is happier, she has a better stall and nicer turnout and has made friends. It’s even closer to my house and cheaper :eek::yes:

But I am a mess. I like the barn, I like the people, I love my horse, but I just feel burnt out on the whole thing. I don’t feel I can trust anyone, or rather, I fear that other people might actively dislike me and be working against me behind my back as happened in the last place. I can’t bring myself to go to the barn more than twice a week and my horse is losing condition. I haven’t been able to schedule a lesson yet with the trainer who works there (rather infrequently) and I feel like I have lost my seat. I’m looking for someone to part-lease my horse until I can get myself together but so far haven’t found any candidates, and I’m afraid to trust anyone else with my horse, too.

I started riding again a few days ago with some fear, so did a few minutes of just walking in the arena. The next day we did some trotting and a short trail ride, and i felt great about it. Today I went to ride and had forgotten my clean saddle pads at home so just went out and longed for a while. My horse is perfectly fine and excellently behaved. I don’t know if I’m going to ride tomorrow (I’ve been working 10 hour days on a project, which is also part of the problem. Things at work are about to get pretty bad and I’ve been expecting it for some time. I’m burning out at work as well and am working on my resume and having some former bosses and mentors review it for me).

I feel like I’m letting my horse down by not being there every day and not exercising her regularly. I miss her, too. I’m sad about it and I’m not sure what to do. Do I need a break? Do I need to force myself to get out there every day? (been trying, but am using my tiredness as an excuse)

Thanks for listening. I don’t know if there are any answers. Maybe you can tell me if you’ve been through something like this, and how you handled it?

[mscho]

First off, Breathe.

Go easy on yourself. I think this happens to the best of us. Juggling a career, home and barn life often gets overwhelming at the easiest of times, throw in high stressers (additional projects, tight deadlines, marital problems, etc,.) It can easily become too much.

My career is heavily weighted on seasonal work. I spend months (literally…) away from home in the winter, and am consistently riddled with guilt about leaving my horse for extended amount of time.

How I deal with this…

-As much as we need a break, occasionally our horses do too. Sometimes it’s nice to give them a few weeks to just be a horse. Eat, sleep, frolic, repeat. Unless you’re in heavy training for something, this won’t hurt either of you. If he/she’s on full stall board, perhaps pay one of the kids at the barn to lunge for you a few times a week.

-You say your horse is excellently behaved, perhaps consider a free part-lease for a month to a teenager who otherwise couldn’t afford to ride? This can take a lot of pressure off you, keep your horse happy, and provide an excellent experience for a kid who may otherwise never be able to afford it. I have a young girl with a single mom who comes out to play with my pony a few times a week. She’s so appreciative to just be around my horse, and I’m quite certain my horse feels like he’s been at the spa when she leaves.

Remember too, when it starts to feel like a chore to go to the barn, it takes the fun and passion out of the sport. Take some time, recoup and reorganize. Things will fall into place and your horse will love you all the same!

[Linz_Rae]

Yeah it won’t kill your horse for it to have some time off (most likely love it) let your horse get plump once Your ready to enjoy your horse work on getting it back in shape. I go to the barn to spend time with my horse not to make friends. Maybe try not to feel like you have to make friends (polite yes).Just trail ride for a while. Enjoy your horse. Not the people and drama.

[Zu_Zu]

Give yourself and horse some time to ‘regroup’ ~ ((hugs))

[I]Give yourself and your horse some time to ‘regroup’ ~

Your energy and enthusiasm will return when you’re ready ~

In the meantime just enjoy the [/I][I]Fall without heat and flies ~

Feed carrots & apples ~

((hugs)) you two will be fine with time ~[/I]

[DancingArabian]

I think if other boarders are able to plot your downfall or something, you are probably entirely too involved with them. I can’t fathom what they could be trying to cause to happen to you but just stop dealing with people. You’re at the barn to ride and train and enjoy your horse.

The other boarders…what do you need to trust them for behind trusting that they won’t hurt your stuff or your horse? Maybe some dont like you - why is their opinion so important that you’re wrecking yourself over it?

Screw them. Enjoy your horse. If you need a break, take it. Horsie won’t care or mind. They don’t care about shows and ribbons and all that.

[red_mares]

You sound a little bit paranoid. Unless you give them a reason, why would other boarders at your new barn plot your destruction? I’ll give you that “just because you’re paranoid, doesn’t mean they aren’t out to get you” but you sound a little out there. Breathe.

I’m coming back from injuries. Was doing fairly well, then got hurt again. Oops. Life sucks sometimes.

As for “neglecting” the horse - you’re not. It is easy to get sucked into the mind set that you Must.Be.There.Every.Day. Unless you’re doing self care or a co-op, you don’t need to be there. As long as the check clears, you’re good. That’s why we pay board, so we don’t have to live there. If the folks at your new barn are putting a guilt trip on you, either find a new barn or tell them to bugger off. If you’re getting a guilt trip from reading the online mavens of perfect horse care, log off for a few months.

[Buttonwillow]

Thanks everyone. I am grateful for every response, the supportive parts and the reality check parts! Yes, red mares, I suppose I am getting a little paranoid and I definitely was too involved at the last place. So far everything is good at the new place, and you’re right Linz Rae and DancingArabian, it doesn’t matter if everyone doesn’t like me. I guess I forgot that.

mscho and ZuZu, thanks for the empathy, and i really like the teenager idea… I know of a few teenagers who might be perfect candidates. Thanks for suggesting it.

[Buttonwillow]

Also this made me laugh, “If you’re getting a guilt trip from reading the online mavens of perfect horse care, log off for a few months.” and um I think you’re right…

[Bristol_Bay]

About 20 years ago, I was struggling with depression. I finally tried taking an anti-depressant and it helped me so much. Paranoia and social unease were two of my symptoms. You may want to talk to your doctor about one of the SSRIs that are available, of you haven’t done so already.

I don’t know about letting your horse down. If she’s getting turn out, she’s probably just fine. It’s us horsepeople who need the fix.

Good luck.

[Old_Mac_Donald]

I work with people who suffer from PTSD - please, take some time and have a chat to a psychologist. It sounds like it is affecting the things you enjoy - get some professional assistance to help you to work through it, and be able to return to enjoying your horse.

Please. Your horse time should be therapy, not adding to your stress burden.

[Buttonwillow]

[QUOTE=Bristol Bay;7228369]
About 20 years ago, I was struggling with depression. I finally tried taking an anti-depressant and it helped me so much. Paranoia and social unease were two of my symptoms. You may want to talk to your doctor about one of the SSRIs that are available, of you haven’t done so already.[/QUOTE]

@Old Mac Donald;7228523

I work with people who suffer from PTSD - please, take some time and have a chat to a psychologist.

Waaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy ahead of you there Good advice though! Thanks much.