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Feeling like a failure.....advice please?

Western
#1

Hi everyone I am new here! i am 21 years old and the proud owner of two quarter horse geldings. Spartan is an 11 year old sorrel i have been riding for 4 years and River is an 8 year old dun ive owned since october 2017. Both are 15hh.

My issue I am facing is I bought River knowing he was broke but had 2 years off and needed some work. I worked through so many issues on Spartan I felt confident buying River and being able to make him into the fabulous horse I knew he could be. much like my work with Spartan. We worked together almost every day after i bought him and he was doing great all things considered. I couldn’t be happier. Fast forward to december 1 2017, I decide to take River to check my cattle herd, he was usually nervous around cows so we took things slowly. Keeping a good distance from the bulk of the herd. My dogs come with me on rides and the one decided to chase a cow right towards us causing River to loose his nerve and spook directly into an electric fence. He bucked me off and ran for home, I got badly injured (thank god for cell phones) and had to be rushed an hour to a hospital to have my forehead stitched back up. 15 stitches later im healing well.

Now my problem is im scared…Ive tried some small rides since but i get nervous and he freaks out which makes me terrfied so we stop. I love him but I dont think I can trust him anymore…on top of that he was diagnosed with heaves and may never be suited to the kind of riding I do. Im devasted. I fought to get him and love him but now Im worried I am in over my head. I have debated the idea of sending him for better training as I know I cant do it myself right now.

We didnt click all that well so far and now i feel worse. Everyone is basically saying I told you so because no one wanted me to buy him to begin with…

If i did sell him Id get him trained first as I feel with more training hed make a good kids horse (loves to just walk and be lazy and gentle he isnt mean at all) or a light trail horse because of his heaves.

I guess im just wondering if I am a horrible person for questioning my future with him. Sorry for the rant but I have no support in this and dont know where to turn anymore…

Thanks,Tay <3

#2

I went through something similar, after being respectively bucked off and then having my girth break and falling under my horse who didn’t run but kept bucking on top of me I definitely know how it feels. For a long time after that I would only ride my one horse that I trust (not the same one that bucked me off!) every time I was afraid to ride I was so angry at myself because I used to be such a fearless rider.

I havent completly worked through the fear but I have made a lot of progress! I started in my comfort zone and very very slowly pushed myself until know I can get on a new horse and I can do sliding stops. Previously, every time I got on a horse I would be afraid, so I kept getting on and getting on, just like desensitizing a horse, the more you do it the less scarier it is.

I would suggest getting on your horse in a round pen and just sitting there and taking deep breaths and staying relaxed the best you can, then if you want to get off you can. Once you’re comfortable sitting on your horse start walking around and keep doing that until you’re comfortable and just keep moving forward.

Overall, there’s no reason to feel like a failure, these kinds of things happen to everyone and everyone responds differently. Don’t forget that if you’re scared you’re horse is going to be scared so make sure you take you’re time and think about how you’re horse is feeling. I hope everything goes well <3

#3

Thank you. I know it will be baby steps for a while with River. I just like normal on Spartan but turn into a wreck with River. I just wish I had people that understood and would stop judging me because of the accident…everyone basically said Im just giving up and avoiding the real problem… which isnt true I want to fix everything.

#4

If you’re not confident to ride River right now, there is certainly no shame in having a trainer work with him for a while while you ride Spartan. Then re-evaluate the situation in a few months. It can take up to a year to figure out a new horse! But I think there is no wrong answer between keeping him and seeing if you can make it work, or finding him a great home with someone else.

2 Likes
#5

Try to not feel like you need to “fix” anything. Look for progress not a result!

#6

Thank you. I plan to send him for training and ride him again in the spring. Id like to keep him ideally but if his heaves is affecting him to much I know a lighter riding home would be better suited. Ultimately I want whats best for River in the long run.

#7

I am 1000% behind people selling sound useable horses who don’t fit their needs to more suitable matches. No shame in that. Every horse is not for every rider, or every discipline.

8 Likes
#8

And there is the other side of the coin. I felt it was not fair to sell my late husband’s horse…he is now 16 and has Uveitis and is a costly high maintenance horse…and I bought this horse solely for my husband who has been dead for 6 years. Why in the blazes I didn’t sell his horse back when he was younger and still healthy is beyond me. I have my own horse I would prefer to ride. I probably kept him because family members keep telling me to sell him !! Don’t let guilt make decisions for you.

Also, I second the part about it takes a year or more to bond with a horse sometimes. They are not dogs. Some horses do not trust, or respond to their owners with immediate affection. Is it worth the time and effort to work with them in hopes they will come around. YES !!! But, its a long road.

2 Likes
#9

Lots of good points made above! I felt it took me at least a year of riding my own horse to start to feel like we were starting to get on together. I owned her for awhile prior to that, but she was very green broke and ridden predominantly by the trainer. Even still, there are days we’re not on the same page. It’s all a process, more over with something young and/or green. I don’t look for perfect every day we ride, just better. Some days, that’s harder to accomplish than one would think. Owning a horse for two or so months really isn’t a long time in the grand scheme of things.

Don’t put too much stake in what’s coming out of the peanut gallery. Sure, sometimes the purchases we make - in life and in horses - don’t work out for us. But the folks who’re going to try and say I told you so or rib you about it, try and not mind them. I know that’s easier said than done. If you decide that River isn’t going to work out for you, that’s alright. Plenty of people realize a few months in that a horse they’ve bought just isn’t a fit and look for a new home for them, I don’t think there’s any shame in that.

I’d pursue the trainer route. There’s no shame in admitting that you need the help of a professional with the horse. They’ll be able to better assess his health and the Heaves, his cow fear, and what type of job River may be best suited to. Perhaps he’ll end up being a fine horse for you, or maybe you’ll end up looking for a new home for him. The training money isn’t a waste either way. In the meantime, ride the horse you trust and do what you’re comfortable with doing. Fear can really influence how we behave, react, and perceive situations. Horses are intuitive animals and pick up on that. You wouldn’t want to be putting yourself in a bad spot again with River because you’ve put your pride before your own safety. Now that the holidays are over, it may be a good time to give the trainer a shout.

1 Like
#10

If River is not the right horse for you, then he’s not the right horse for you. Simple as that. No shame in paying to get some training on him, and then sell him, if you feel that is what would be best for River. Let the judgemental people be judgemental and don’t waste your time on them. Make your decision based on what you want to do and what you feel is right.

I would disagree with this part. Either a horse is “born” to be a kids horse or they are not. River does not sound like a kids horse.

2 Likes
#11

River sounds like a really cool horse and I don’t think you should give up on him, or yourself, yet. Horses are very trainable as long as you take it step by step, and listen when your horse says he doesn’t understand or something makes him anxious. I think that riding around the cattle herd was too big of a step for him - a simple misjudgment on your part, he was not ready yet. But life is full of hard knocks and “life lessons,” and ALL of us have been there and done that.

When working with a horse that gets nervous, you have to take small steps. The best, and safest, way to do this is to go through a whole desensitizing process. Even if your horse is pretty calm and quiet on the ground, you want to find something that gives him the heebie geebies and teach him to work through it without panicking. Once he handles a bunch of crazy stuff without getting upset, get on him and try to work through the same stuff while sitting on him. I have a remote control police car with lights and sirens and I will have it do figure 8s through my horse’s legs with lights and sirens going.

So if you want to work a cow herd, you need to start small. Do you have goats? Can you work him around just a couple cows? When you do work with him, you need to have some kind of control over your environment. I’d lock up the dogs until he is relaxed around the cows.

A really good training source is Warwick Schiller’s website. Before you sent him for training, watch some videos. There is a monthly subscription service that is $25 - much less than a month of training. You can probably do a lot of ground work with River on your own that will help you with your confidence, and maybe cut down on the amount of professional help you will need.

www.warwickschiller.com

2 Likes
#12

Sounds like that could be your problem, an unsuitable horse for what you need, especially now that you had a wreck with him.

A Steady Eddie type would not be losing it because cattle ran at him, may alert and try to scoot out of the way, but not run into things, etc, like you describe.

See what your trainer tells you after evaluating him, maybe help you sell him.

Also consider, most people really do better with just one horse to enjoy in their otherwise busy lives.
Two puts too much pressure to get both cared for and kept ridden, especially horses that need serious training/re-training.

If your purpose was to learn quicker and gain skills riding more than one horse, could you take lessons to help that goal, at least until you re-gain your confidence?

#13

First off, it doesn’t matter what “everyone” says. You are the one with the horse. And don’t make the mistake of letting your pride/ego take over your brain. Huge mistake trying to prove you were right in buying him, remember it is the sport that humbles kings and horses are great at making you a liar. LET THAT ALL GO.

This is about you and that horse, nobody else. None of their business whatever you decide to do.

Youve only had this horse for, like, 90 days and it sounds like he hasn’t had a huge amount of consistent training and riding in him. You, without meaning to, took him out alone and put him in a situation that was too much for him, he got scared, didn’t have another horse to look to for how to react and doesn’t trust you or respond to your commands well enough to avoid an uncontrolled spook, Then he got terrified bouncing into the electric fence. Unfortunate sequence of events. It happens, we have all had similar experiences. Very possible this horses previous owner(s) let him down in the training department, might have even let him get pushy because they were scared of him.

The trick is to learn from it and go forward based on YOU, not the peanut gallery.

You have a couple of options. IMO getting some decent training on him is the best choice whether you keep him or not. Usually, horses that react like he did, checking out and ignoring the rider, just don’t really know any better, nobody has taught them properly. And he had a really bad experience with that fence, so he’s probably not going to help you out when you tense up, just get tense himself…" Oh no, you are scared too". That needs to be trained out sooner then later by a Pro but it’s doable.

Agree he’s no kid horse prospect and won’t be for some time, if ever, but perhaps some good training and you riding first a lesson horse then him at the trainers in a nice, quiet, safe ring will help you gain your confidence back and horse can get a shot at a good home with you or somebody else via improved manners and rideability. Give it 90 days. That’s enough to see if you can progress with him or it’s time to move him on.

If you never are comfortable on him, have trainer use their contacts to help you sell him, buckskin is a popular color, especially on a horse with decent training. Then trainer can help find you something more suitable…or maybe trade something more suitable for him, that is not uncommon.

IMO you also need some better friends and distance yourself from those that gloat ion telling you they told you so. You’ve had your share of challenges and sometimes we wrap challenges and memories up in our horses to prove something or hang on to something then guilt ourselves over it. Can be overwhelming. STOP IT.

Look ahead, get some training, improve your circle of friends, don’t be afraid to talk to somebody about feelings and confidence issues You can always come on here for non judgemental support. We have a whole forum for not specifically horse related discussions of life’s challenges. It gets more traffic then this forum does and guarantee you others are dealing with the same issues, fear, family dynamics, friend betrayal. You might visit Off Topic for some positive support.get to it via the drop down menu on the lower right corner, little rectangle that says Jump to, scroll down to Off Topic. It’s below the specifically horse related forum list.

3 Likes
#14

If you decide you want to give it another try, I second the suggestion to look into Warwick Schiller.

There’s no shame in finding the horse a different home. The people gloating have conveniently forgotten their mistakes, bc we have all made mistakes, and will continue to make mistakes. Hopefully we learn from them.

Heaves sucks, but many people successfully deal with it. We rehomed our mare with heaves because we do harder trail riding at times and it was just going to be too hard on her. She is doing easy short trail rides at a Bible camp now.

Good luck with your decision and don’t beat yourself up over this. Also, don’t feel like you need to make a decision right away. I have a friend that tried to make it work with a horse for probably two years and she ended up selling. Time wasted? Some would say maybe, but she probably learned quite a bit too.

1 Like
#15

One thing I learned with horses is “crap” happens you could be the best trainer/rider in your area and still at some point “crap” will happen it could be something as simple as a bite or something as terrible as what happened to you.

what I would suggest is take a step back look at the entire situation. That is the best way to figure out if he would be worth keeping or if he would be better with someone else.

Those friends of yours that are making you feel like a failure well I garentee they have had fails as well and if they deny it they are lying out their arse. No one is perfect when it comes to training everyone makes a mistake or two it’s life and that’s how it works.

Don’t let it make you feel like a failure take it as a learning experience, that is how I’ve always taken my fails. If you think training him then selling him is best do it, but if you think training him and keeping him is better do it. It’s entirely up to you.

#16

It’s only a fail if you quit - otherwise it’s just another step toward success.

And success could be keeping him and turning him into a wonderful second horse, or success could be finding him a wonderful home. It’s all relative.

#17

Hi OP, I wanted to add a comment regarding heaves. I have a heaves horse, and it is incredibly well managed on supplements alone. She actually has a REALLY bad case, so much so the OSU vets showed a video of her at Congress this year :eek: But she has been doing so well we are working her like any normal horse. My goals are pleasure riding, low level dressage for keeping her strong and supple (she is an 18 YO mustang pony and is taking to it really well). Yah she can’t canter around the field for 20 minutes, and I can’t trot her for hours on end, but she can walk trails all day long, and is the funnest little pony in the world <3 so, if you want to rehome him, some training to get him more beginner friendly would be good, but heaves is not a death sentence. Definitely be sure he goes to a light riding home that can have him pastured 24/7, that has been the god send for my mare. And Omega 3, 6 and 9 supplements are the most helpful according to my vets :slight_smile:

Good luck with your boy. It sounds like you are trying to do the best you can for him.

#18

Very similar boat here. I have a 25 yo and a 14 yo both geldings, very charming ponies. I bought a colt 4 years ago (5month old) when he just turned 3 he spooked and nicked me off HARD. I sent him to a trainer for 60 days and now I’m just starting to walk around in an indoor bareback. (So a year and 2 months after the wreck). I don’t believe it’s right to be stressed about something that’s supposed to be fun… I’d either find out a way to make him fun or get rid of him. So far we are having fun doing basically nothing… and I’m ok with that. He still gets training rides here and there. So when I do get my act together he’ll be waiting for me.

#19

There is no shame in admitting you want or need help once you’ve had a crash. I had a real bad one in the warm up ring in 2005 (not on my horse). I didn’t ride for some time, tried to come back and was seriously inappropriately mounted. I stayed scared for a LONG time. My current trainer found me my saintly, forgiving, steady-eddy of a gelding and it’s only been in the last year that I feel confident in the tack. And it took a year on him. The right horse can change everything.

Sounds like you have a plan. Finding River a more appropriate home after some training is not a bad thing. Riding is supposed to be fun - not scary!

1 Like
#20

You don’t need to feel like a failure. You are not best friends with every human you meet, nor will you click with every horse.
The only horse I ever sold was a mare who I loved and who loved me. She was an awesome horse, but she just wasn’t the right one. I’d lost my nerve and she needed me to give her confidence I didn’t have. Riding became a chore, because I was afraid every time I got on. I started to dread having to go to the barn, and finally decided it wasn’t worth it anymore.
I sold her and she is now living in a loving home. It was so hard, but I’m thankful I did it, because I got a horse who was a much more suitable partner.
He, and you, will be okay. Do what is right for you.

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