Hi everyone!
Sorry I’ve been off the forum so much lately - school is :dead:
So to make things short and sweet, I’m not as recovered or as well-adjusted after my fall as I thought I was. I think I was in denial about a lot of things and I kept pushing to get back to the old me…you can imagine how well that worked out. So after five weeks of non-stop-ness on a 19 credit pre-med course load gunning for graduation in June while trying to bring two horses back into shape and pushing myself to get back into road racing shape, along with twice weekly physical therapy appointments (not to mention all the exercises I have to do!), family commitments, Pony Club…the list goes on…trying to do all of this while rewiring my brain after the TBI and dealing with the seizures that started shortly after New Year…My plate is getting kind of full. Then yesterday I saw my new neurologist for the first time and she started me on an anticonvulsant right away and ordered an MRI and an EEG in addition to a bunch of blood work to check endocrine function and some vitamin levels and stuff - awesome that she is being so thorough and really getting to the bottom of everything, but it’s just that much more to do. And then I started Keppra today and I can already tell that adjusting to the dosage is going to be buckets of fun.
I’m just feeling a bit in over my head right now and I need to re-learn how to live my life. How do I find that routine? I’m a person who thrives on routine, but right now I have none. My life has been turned upside down - my brain doesn’t work anymore, my seizures are not controlled, and I’m trying to adjust to a new medication that makes an opioid trip seem cute.
I start to feel a little better, so I take advantage of it and I push hard - physically and cognitively. Then, as would be expected, I start to fall apart again and go through setbacks. But over the last few weeks, instead of generally getting better, I’ve generally been getting worse. I don’t want to keep getting worse…I want to get better! But I don’t know how to pace myself or find that middle ground.
I guess I just need to know how to find order in my life again. I’ve been working with one of the counselors from Psychological Services on campus since early Fall Term, and he is great and has really been instrumental in keeping my sanity, but I feel like I need advice from people who have been there before.
One of the biggest problems I am having right now is taking care of my horse. I board at a small, private barn where we do all of the work except AM feedings. Two other girls board out there with me and they are amazing, but historically I have been the one to manage everything there and do 80% of the work for our three mares plus the barn owner’s six horses. Lately it’s been hard for me to make it out there four days a week to feed. I find this totally unacceptable, as my mare is a bit of a special needs girl - physically and emotionally. But with everything going on in my life, it’s just so hard for me to get out there everyday to ride her and clean her stall and blanket and etc. So I set the small goal of six days a week (unless I have appointments or meetings or something) going out and at a minimum cleaning her stall (which is a 10 minute chore) and handwalking for 15 minutes. Anything I can do on top of that is bonus. So far, so good. But I still feel like it’s not enough.
I just feel like I’ve lost control of my life - academically, physically, socially, responsibility-wise - and I don’t know how to get it back.