First ride back turned into a mental breakdown

[hunterrider33]

Ugh! So I posted here before that I had a concussion back in December after getting bucked off and kneed in the head. Turned into post concussion syndrome and I’m about 85% better now.

Last week i had my first real ride back on my own horse (whose also recovering from an injury and not the one I fell off of).
I was so exited to be back on him, things were going great, until they weren’t. My horse spooked and starting playing - typically no big deal, but I’m currently feeling like a rag doll on horse back! I didn’t come off, but came close.
Que mental breakdown!

Ive never been scared to ride so this made the mental breakdown worse! Feeling like I’ll be scared forever, like I’ll never get back to where I was - and even worse feeling like I don’t care IF I get back to where I was.

Ive been back twice, both times went well, but I’m just not that eager to ride - literally makes me want to cry saying that.

Has anyone else struggled with this? I know I need to just get strong again and my confidence will come back, but the fact that my horse is also recovering (so he’s more up than usual) isn’t helping, and I don’t trust getting on something I don’t know.

any and all support is appreciated

[Where_sMyWhite]

I didn’t suffer a concussion but my first horse back as an adult re-rider ultimately was the wrong horse for me.

Third time I came off her in the space of a few months I told my trainer I wasn’t going to get back on her. Got a new horse and I still spent almost 2 months where every ride was me sitting on my new-to-me mare at a walk while my trainer led her around.

It took that long for me to not be terrified. Yes, eventually I did regain my confidence although I was never a bold rider. But did get to the point I could walk, trot and eventually canter without significant fear.

Maybe have someone walk your horse or ride on the lunge so you can regain some confidence while also have additional ‘control’ of your horse as your confidence comes back.

Your health care team is okay with your riding again at 85%? Just checking

[kande04]

There’s a bit of a contradiction in your acc’t, y’know? First you say you don’t care if you get back to where you were and that you’re not eager to ride, but then you say it makes you cry to say that. So that makes me think you do care about getting back to where you were even though you’re afraid of to ride right now? Is that right?

The reason I ask is because I’m older, and I really don’t care if I get back to where I was, and it doesn’t make me sad to say that because I really don’t care.

Soooo, my advice to you is that if you don’t want to ride then don’t ride, because there are plenty of fun things to do with horses that don’t involve riding.

But if you do want to get back to riding there are sensible ways to accomplish that, and they don’t necessarily happen overnight.

IOW, don’t try to rush your recovery. Relax. Spend time with your horse on the ground, as you both likely need that time to heal. Play with your horse, do things that are comfortable for both of you, and don’t move on until you’re ready to move on.

Horses are supposed to be fun, riding’s supposed to be fun, and when it isn’t that’s most often because we’re trying to rush things instead of finding ways to enjoy our horses in ways that are comfortable for both of us.

[Zu_Zu]

Be kind to yourself ~ step by step ~

Ride a lesson horse for awhile ~ everywhere ! = inside & outside ~ in the ring, on the trail while building up your muscles, seat and emotional strength ~

Watch your trainer ride your horse ~ wet your appetite as you rebuild your life’s confidence ~

You’ve got this ~ just can’t live it yet ~ you’ll get there ~

Good Luck ~ Jingles & AO for a grand summer of riding !

[Sue_B]

You aren’t ready to ride a spooky horse yet. You may not even be ready to ride an old plug, but if it were me, I would use a very quiet “been-there-done-that” horse first, until that was boring, and then try a slightly livelier mount. Try to be patient with yourself and do the things with your horse that do not require riding so that you can reconnect. Those of us who’ve ridden a long time have all been down a similar road at one time or another, some of us quit riding all together, but most of us eventually find the fun in riding again. No worries…you will find your way.

[CHT]

Post Concussion Syndrome can result in changes to how you process emotions and stress. This time it was riding, next time it might be a careless driver on the road.

If you feel that your concussion may be why your brain went quickly to a meltdown, do not take it lightly. Post concussion syndrome if not addressed can lead to physical symptoms (Auto-immune, GI, Cardiovascular) . You need to address this with a medical professional such as a psychologist before it starts impacting your day to day life.

Alternatively of course, it could just be your brain protecting yourself because you were previously injured when riding…in which case, I agree with finding a steady eddy to ride, with the guidance of a compassionate coach.

[hunterrider33]

Thanks All! I have been going out to just groom and brush my horse the past few days and have enjoyed that.
I’ll ask my trainer if there’s a steady eddy I can start riding in the meantime - typically this is my horse but since he’s rehabbing it’s a different story (expectedly).

I have been seeing seeing a neuropsychologist and he cleared me to ride - but I’m seeing my neurologist next Wednesday and will make sure I’m on the right track.

its been a long road with this concussion! I’ve been told many times that next time i hit my head it’ll take even less for the concussion symptoms to appear - which also makes me nervous!
I’m investing in the new Charles Owen MIPS Helmet and can’t wait for it to get here!

[Where_sMyWhite]

OP, good news. Good idea to do a checkpoint with the neuropsychologist. Make sure you talk about your ‘meltdown’ symptoms’.

As I said, for me, no shame in sitting on my mare, terrified, while my trainer led her around (and she was pretty dang laid back for a TB ). Baby steps. If sitting on a steady eddie and being led around is what it takes, do it. For me, I just wanted to be confident enough to ride my horse walk/trot and maybe even canter but not to be terrified to do it.

I’m not a brave person by nature so I had to work with what I had…

:encouragement:

[RodeoHunter]

It will get better!! Just keep doing the minimum amount of riding that keeps you calm, even if it’s just walking serpentines for a month (but yes on a safe horse). I have had PCS since last summer so I get it…it feels like you will never be the same again.
Your sympathetic nervous system is probably also ramped up which will increase the panic feeling and make everything feel life threatening. I’m not sure if your doctors have ever mentioned concussion meds (ie. Amitryptilene); I refused for months and finally gave in and took the lowest dose possible. It was night and day for me, not just headaches but vision, mood, anxiety, etc. I’m back jumping courses when I actually thought I would never ride again. Good luck, concussions suck!! But are not forever

[stressgirl37]

OP- check out Jane Pike, Confident Rider(Equestrian Mindset Coaching): She deals with anxiety related to equestrians and has many options. This link gives a synopsis of what she does. https://confidentrider.online/

[coloredhorse]

What CHT said is so true! And post-concussion syndrome can last far longer than you might think. It’s frustrating to have panic attacks over what you think should be “no big deal” based on how you used to process horsey silliness. The first step is to cut yourself some slack on that one. Just grooming and enjoying your horse the next visit or two is a good idea.

Then move to the second step that I’ve found very helpful. It’s the “How Bored Can I Make Myself” game. When you feel ready, you’re going to groom and love on your horse as usual. Then you’re going to tack up. If your anxiety is low, you might even walk to the mounting block. DO NOT GET ON. Don’t even get on the mounting block. Give your horse a sugar, go back to the barn, untack. Next time you might stand on the mounting block, and the time after that you might actually get on. And so on and so on.

The thing is you don’t do the next thing until you (a) have zero anxiety and (b) are screamingly bored with the newest thing. It can help to have a good friend or trainer there to whom you report your anxiety level. You can use a scale of 0-5, 1-10, or whatevere works for you. As long as you take your time and allow your brain enough time and positive experiences to re-set itself, you will be fine.

[kande04]

@coloredhorse

The thing is you don’t do the next thing until you (a) have zero anxiety and (b) are screamingly bored with the newest thing.

That’s exactly what I tell fearful riders–and they almost never listen because they want to just get it done.

In some cases I also think there’s an element of “I don’t want anyone to see me going around in circles, or going out and coming back a hundred times, because they might think I’m scared”.

So they do it their way and it almost never works out for them, because the reason they got hurt in the first place was because they were trying to do way too much way too soon.

I think when they make up their minds that they’re going to stay in their comfort zone, no matter how small, until they’re bored and want to do more, that’s what gives them enough time to acquire the skills they need to do more.

[PalominoGirl]

Have you read the book “Riding Fear Free”? It’s awesome. It really helped one of my riders after a very horrific, multiple broken bone accident. It’s a process and can be a really empowering one to take the fear that confines you and turn it into something else.

[Room_for_a_Pony]

Late to the discussion, but I second the recommendation to check out Jane Pike. She has a membership group called JoyRide, but also has started a series of podcasts and other things that do not have a fee. She does a lot on Facebook. I hope things are going better for you.

[alibi_18]

@hunterrider33

(…) typically this is my horse but since he’s rehabbing it’s a different story (expectedly).

Don’t put yourself into situation you can prevent.

It was certainly not the greatest idea to get on your rehabbing horse, knowing that rehabbing horses do not act like themselves. Have someone else go through the (little) crazy for you…
You were most probably trying to pretend you were ok, trying to prove it to yourself, but you were not.

We’ve all been there.

You are smart and should know better (now).
What’s the urge?
You have your whole lifetime to ride.
You wouldn’t want this to end now?
Take your time and it will go faster.
Take care of you.

[Willesdon]

85% right is not 100%. Don’t push yourself, take notice of what your body is telling you. Would you work a horse that was 85% fit or would you worry about that 15% deficit?

Head injuries take a lot of time and your symptoms and reactions will be totally individual and unique. You possibly/probably will not recognise your physical, mental and emotional responses as they are at present: they may return to how you were before the injury or the changes may be permanent. Rest, quietness, is the best treatment, even now that you are 85% better. On the other hand, if you are feeling antsy and wanting to get on with life again, that is a good sign, if somewhat difficult to live with!

My last concussion took me to a McTimony Chiro who sorted me out very quickly. The one before had me dizzy for 6 months and I didn’t feel up to riding at all.

[Willesdon]

P.S. one of the signs of head injury is poor judgement. Get some one else to ride your horse!

[hunterrider33]

Thanks all! This was 3 months ago and I’m happy to report that I’m back to riding my horse! He’s back to himself and I’m back to 100%!
Longest recovery ever, and if anyone ever goes through it I’m here to say it WILL get better - even when you feel like it never will.

I took some advice from this put my horse in training board while I continued to recover and rode a few a school horses to get my strength back. It was definitely the right choice!

[ITDIVA2020]

I have experienced the same thing. I am an older rider and after 5 years still experience anxiety. I did take another fall off my 17.2 “pony” and it was a much softer but still painful then the one that gave me the concussion.That fall reassured me that not every fall was going to leave you with head injury.

[viperblood]

My son also experienced this before. He’s not really into riding one day he was just so interested. Fast forward he did fall and was too scared to try again. What I did is every morning he would walk the horse and we did this for 2 months. He would spend time with the horse just to make him feel safe again. So I guess try spending some time with yours and for sure you would recover soon.