Last winter/spring, I had my horse going better than ever. I was renting a dry stall at a small property with only one other horse. But the ring was tiny, I wasn’t taking lessons, horse wasn’t getting pro rides, and I felt we were ready for the next chapter.
I had visions of group lessons and schooling shows, finding a “barn family,” and progressing as a rider while my horse progressed in the program of a good pro.
I thought I found that. Took a couple lessons to feel the place out. Then, last spring, I made the jump.
Almost right away, it became obvious the environment wasn’t what I bargained for. I could get into it, but it would be a long story. Suffice it to say, it was a year of a slow and then rapid decline in my horse’s behavior and wellbeing, to the point where I was actually considering euthanizing the horse for dangerous behavior and even raised it with the vet and multiple trainers.
Despite all that, I refused to entertain the idea of leaving. I didn’t want to be a barn hopper. I blamed myself and my quirky horse for any friction at the barn. I didn’t think it could be better anywhere else. But finally, the situation got so desperate, I really did not have a choice. It was move or euthanize the horse. Horse was visibly miserable and unsafe to handle. Had to be aced daily. I arranged a move on a trial basis, telling the trainer at the new barn that the horse might be a lost cause. She said to give her 30 days and she’d let me know if she thought that was the right decision.
I was not optimistic. And moving this horse… you cannot imagine what a PITA it was. Truly an ordeal. But I am not kidding when I say that within 24 hours, the horse was visibly different. Within a week, unrecognizable, almost back to normal. Trainer started working with her. Within 3 weeks, she was going back undersaddle. Now it’s been 3 months and I feel like I miraculously have my horse back.
The only problem? I’m 8 months pregnant. I am pretty sure the pregnancy was the precipitating factor for the decline at the previous barn going from “slow” to “rapid,” because I had to stop riding and overall became less consistent. Now, the horse is in a much better headspace and, if I weren’t pregnant, I could theoretically be taking lessons and regaining all the ground we lost. But I can’t ride and don’t see myself riding until fall at the very earliest.
I have been struggling with the fact that things could have been SO different, if I had just moved to this new barn last year instead of the one I chose. I don’t know why I was so stubbornly in denial that things at the previous barn weren’t working. Not only was my horse not happy and not getting the training support we needed, there weren’t really other boarders to have a community with (the clientele were mainly lesson students and leasers).
If I had moved here first—and spent all of last year here—I could have had an awesome year of progress with my horse before getting pregnant. She might even have been at a point in her training where someone could have leased her from me. I could have had an actual barn family and local horse friends to stay connected with through my pregnancy, which would have been a big support through some of the pregnancy’s low points.
Instead, I feel like I failed my horse, like I took a major setback in confidence that I’m not sure I can bounce back from, and like I’m not sure what the path forward looks like from here. I still go to the barn to hand graze and walk around. I started volunteering at a therapeutic riding center, so I feel like I’m doing something with horses even while I can’t ride. I am thinking I’ll start taking lessons this winter, keep mine in training, and maybe venture to ride her next spring. But I can’t let go of the regret, or the feeling that there’s an alternate timeline out there in a parallel universe where I made better choices and created a much better situation for myself and my horse 
.
I don’t know if I’ll ever reach the level as a rider that I dreamed I would… if I’ll ever be that confident —or that fit or skinny— ever again in my life. And I guess it just bums me out to think I set myself up for such a rough comeback, when a different choice of barn could have put me (and my horse) in a much better position to navigate a big life change like this.
) so you’ve got plenty of time. And, I’ve never been pregnant, but maybe you’re suffering from pregnancy hormones?
So I’m also trying to keep that in mind.
. Feels like I’ve had such an uphill battle to having horses in my life. First it was money, then it was location, then it was being overhorsed. I do appreciate that I learned a lot of aspects of horsemanship that I never would have bothered to learn if I hadn’t had to. But I wish I were a better rider and had used my time more wisely. Feels like I missed a very narrow 3-year window where I could have grown a lot as a rider, built a community and found good mentorship, and learned in a gradual, safe, sustainable way. Instead I spent a LOT of time alone with my horse trying really, really hard and not having anything to show for it.
I’d call myself a realist/skeptic most of the time with most things.
