Ghosted… Is this normal?

No one’s following my journey, or even asked about this, but again I needed to vent to people who get it (aka I need friends…. horse friends….)

Had two appointments lined up today to look at two boarding situations. The first one I really liked the BO and we connected super well, but ultimately it was not the place that I felt like would be the best situation for my goals. Most of the riders trail ride, are retired and that’s about it, but I have aspirations of competing (probably unrated) but overall to utilize facilities, such as arenas and trainers, both of which they did not have.

The second appointment I was STOKED for. I’d already spoken to the Barn Manager this past week on the phone and I liked what I heard. In my budget, HIGHLY rated lesson program, good reviews and super close to my house (<20 min!!). I set the time up Friday to meet the BM today (Sunday) at 1230. Today I give her a 45 min warning to when I’d be there, no response but whatever. BMs are working humans. Lord knows I am a terrible texter.

I get there at 1230 and as I’m pulling in, I see a (presumably) young horse loading a trailer, spooking, carrying on so I stopped, tried calling her (no answer) then texted and asked if I should park up front since a horse is loading to the side. No answer but again, whatever, maybe she’s trying to load.

I walk to the barn and I walk up to the couple with the horse and ask for the BM and said that I was here to get a tour of the place. They told me that she was still at her house but that she was probably just running late. No worries, I went to my car and hung out.

After 30 minutes with no response to my call + 2 texts (on my way and i’ve arrived), I shot her a third text and asked if she was still coming, then finally, at the 45 min mark I apologized and told her that I needed to leave.

Still haven’t heard from her (we were supposed to meet 2 hours ago) and I’m just curious…. is this normal?? I’ve only been to 3 barns but the others were always punctual, as was I. It just really sucks that this barn was the one that I was the most excited for - it checks all of the boxes at face value that I’d like to see. Just needed to see it for myself and then get some specific answers to some questions.

Wild. Anyways.

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I would be confused and disappointed too, but wouldn’t jump to conclusions just yet. There could have been an emergency or something.

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I would have knocked at the house.

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definitely not jumping to any conclusions yet, and if/when she does respond, i still would like to go back and see the place because of how well it aligns with what I was looking for. definitely a little odd though!

that said, god forbid anything did happen, i hope she’s alright.

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So the first barn, couldn’t you eliminate it in advance as having no arena?

Second barn, who knows? Everyone has emergencies. Wait and see if they get back to you.

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No pictures on the website and didn’t say anything about not having one. I emailed and asked a couple of questions (that being one of them) and the BO’s response was “nice to meet you when can you come out?” with no actual answers to my questions… So I tried :woman_shrugging:

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OK that makes sense!

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After the wonderful picture you painted, it is disappointing to be ghosted.

But that’s the reality of this barn and will be your ongoing reality if you move in. And your horse’s reality.

Some people are very good a presenting well verbally. They build a picture that people can readily want to join. But that isn’t their reality. Based just on the way you were ghosted, I’d be doubtful that the reviews paint a complete picture.

That’s just my life experience. If people show you who they are, and all of that.

If you wanted to pursue this at least a bit, you can network with people with long experience of this barn and get their feedback. I’ll bet it is interesting. Personally I would not go further without more direct and unfiltered feedback. I’ve become quick to just move on because people who play games can waste your time egregiously, drag out questionable situations endlessly – if you let them.

A further note that yes, you can withhold judgment and see what excuse this BM comes up with (if they ever bother to do that at this point). But – again just my own life experience – it’s not worth waiting for. If they were truly responsible and reasonable, even if an urgent matter interfered with the appointment and communications, they would have made sure you got some sort of message by now – before you were motivated to post to COTH. This manipulative big-sell followed by a ghosting is who they are. With some people it’s almost as if they know they can’t meet the big expectations they have set up, so they duck the whole situation before it can develop and become uncomfortable for them. Weird, but some people do that. By their actions you shall know them.

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super interesting perspective. honestly this one was the worst case scenario in my mind, which is what prompted me to post if we’re being honest. i’m hoping that maybe today was just her day off and she was off doing something and forgot? idk what i want to hear to be honest. obviously hope nothing is wrong.

Given your description of the barn and the program, this is what I would be hoping as well.

That’s what they count on. That we will provide the excuse. Because we do that better than they do! We think up several backstories to explain their unacceptable behavior, with no true affirmation that that’s what happened.

We do that because there is something that we want that is of value to us and hard to find elsewhere. So we enable, hoping to reach that thing that is valuable to us … but likely to find out that it was never really there to begin with. It’s classic. They hold out the desirable but somewhat scarce thing and let us do the rest.

Once you’ve been around the maypole with a few like this, you start to recognize the pattern – hopefully. I’ll bet this BM is engaging to talk to, seems like someone we’d really like to have in our world, dresses well for the setting (the barn program) and has cute sunglasses and cap. That’s how it works. Of course other quite nice people also have that going for them, but in their case, their behavior and empathy show that it is real. While this person shows something else.

I would network to find out more about what the BM is like as a BM, and what the ‘customer experience’ is like, as it were. Let the BM be the one to reel you back in – not you reel her in. If she doesn’t, let it go, would be my advice. That can be hard, but we just remind ourselves that what we thought was there isn’t really there. The shelf is empty, the product isn’t there.

Sometimes we find out that other people on the staff are actually making everything go well and we can kind of ignore the BM (or whatever the title is) because their behavior won’t matter. But know that if the people who really run the place (from the bottom) ever leave, the management is going to fall apart. Maybe that will be a long time from now. And/or maybe there will be good options at that time.

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Is text her preferred method of communication? For some people it is (REALLY is), for others it is not. I’d settle that question first before making any judgements.

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It is! It’s worth mentioning that this is a “barn phone” that is specifically and only for barn stuff and clients and is separate from her personal line.

I had a trainer do this to me, she blamed Google calendar which I felt was lame buuuut… Possible. I made the appt for a lesson about a 5 weeks out, never did the annoying “checking we are still good for X day?” thing, sent her a text when I left with an eta and when I arrived. Waited about 30 min for her to get back to me, she apologized. Life man, I get it.

A Sunday? I know most people want to do this on weekends because of M-F jobs but chances are Sunday is her day off and she brainfarted, or you made the appt a bit ago and didnt blow her up asking if it was still on like my situation. Give it a another chance :slight_smile:

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that is what I was thinking also, I rarely if Ever have my cell phone with me and might notice a missed called from two days ago around midnight

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Maybe she misplaced it or had it turned off

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If she has good reviews and a good reputation with her lesson program, odds are she is capable of reliably showing up and following through. I’d give her another chance.

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I went through something similar this past month, and my only advice - give her a day or two to respond (maybe follow up today if you haven’t already to reschedule). If she doesn’t, run! Quickly!! She’s showing you red flags that you may not have seen until it was too late.

Unfortunately in my situation, I didn’t see the red flags until I had already given a months’ notice. Met with the BO/trainer a year earlier, we agreed Oct '22 would be a good time. Barn was in a great location, great price, exactly what I was looking for, BO seemed cool - I was SO excited, just like you!
Messaged the BO Aug '22, was told “probably Oct 1st” for a stall, signed the boarding agreement 3rd week of Aug, and gave notice. Reached out numerous times from Sept 1st - 3rd week of Sept (even had my current trainer reach out) and NEVER heard back… had to pivot real quick to find something else the weekend before Oct 1st. I kept making excuses as to why I’d forgive him if he did eventually get back to me, but it became unacceptable at a point. The place I’m at now is not 100% I’m looking for as far as location and facilities, but I think I actually scored on the trainer and ‘barn community’.

I did then hear horror stories of the BO I was supposed to go to being… unresponsive, to put it lightly, previously. I guess no one wanted to tell me because I was super excited to move there.
If she’s doing it to you now, she’s done it to other people, possibly in much more serious situations than yours. You don’t want to find out how bad it is the hard way. I literally had NO idea that professionals ghost people… it’s been unheard of to me until recently.
We shouldn’t have to chase down people to give money to. Fingers crossed it was a one off for you, though!

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Yes! The word-of-mouth reputation is what counts. First-hand experience, some time in the program. Directly, verbally, from that person. I place a lot of weight on that, and I do want to hear from at least two or three people. Sometimes one person has a one-off experience (good or bad) that isn’t shared by others. So I want to hear from others as well.

More and more, reviews mean less and less. Reviews are so easily manipulated. Providers push for 5* reviews only and don’t want anything less, so sometimes people who could give reviews don’t post unless they are comfortable giving 5*'s. And there is no knowing if the reviewer is just a shill who never had any experience with the thing at all.

I would look at the dates of the reviews. Only reviews from the last year or two count with me. If there are 5 or 6 posted in the same 3-month period, I wouldn’t count them at all as they might be shills. They have learned to post shill reviews gradually, not all on the same day.

This. 100%.

They need to show they respect having our business. If they don’t – well, they don’t, and they will continue to lack respect from then on.

The standard is that people show their best selves on first introduction, especially while working for new business. If they are not showing something you can live with, be prepared for less once you are committed.

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@TinFoilHat, have you heard back yet?

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Echoing this! Many review sites will “hide” negative reviews for various reasons, including being paid off; Yelp sticks reviews in a “don’t recommend” section but doesn’t say why any particular review is there. In that section, I’ve seen a BO leave a review of their own barn without disclosing that. The same section had a very critical review that seemed valid but was marked “don’t recommend” for some reason.

I’ve read the reviews for two of the barns I’ve been at (lessons and training barns). For one, most of the reviews are glowing but I also know that a lot of the people reviewing don’t know a lot about horses. The other had several 5* reviews BUT those reviews were all posted by the barn’s then-current clients in response to a former-client leaving a particularly nasty review.

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