Giving up as a riding instructor to focus on riding - career question/vent

[hdahlia]

So I’ve been a long time lurker and think I had an account at some point but forgot it, whoops! I’m currently debating on changing my life to pursue a new career, go back to school, and most importantly start enjoying my horse again. I’m not really looking for people to tell me what to do, just interested to see if other people have been in or are currently in this situation and what you ended up doing.

I’ve been in the horse world since I was kid and worked at different types of stables and showed local circuits and occasionally at bigger shows. I took some time off from riding and later, when I moved in with my current boyfriend, (this was a few years ago) I couldn’t find a job in the new area I was living in and ended up working part time at a barn. Apparently when the horse bug come back it hits hard! Next thing I knew I found a job that paid enough to allow me to buy my own horse. Now, my boyfriend makes good money, at this time he was almost done with paying off his school loans and suddenly my future was changing. We started talking about him saving up for a house, we could get married, etc. One of the things we had to overcome was me going back to school, I had talked about getting my BA and we realized that if I get it before we’re married I would get a lot of financial aid vs after and I’d have to pay for almost everything. So that was the plan, I was about to sign up for classes when I got a call from the “head trainer” at my barn about how she needed to meet with me pronto. Uh oh…

The barn I boarded my horse at was a big camp/summer program/trail barn. I had worked there and later leased a horse boarded there and now had my own so everyone there knows me well and knows my work history with horses. They also knew that I had taught lessons in the past. The head trainer was leaving in June (it was May) and wanted to know (more like begged me) if I would be interested in being head trainer. Now, I don’t do anything without consulting my boyfriend - poor guy gets to basically support me, play as therapist, financial advisor, career advisor, and sometimes when he’s lucky boyfriend. He knew how much I wanted the job, and even though I wouldn’t make much money I would get free board (and MORE financial aid because I would be making below poverty level) I’d also obviously have crazy long hours, hardly any days off but I could easily do homework between lessons or during the gap before after school lessons started. I was so excited! The next three years were planned out, I put off school as I didn’t want to start school AND a new job AND be in the busy season all at once.

Wonder if anyone can guess what happened next? Apparently the rules of getting free board changed a month after I started… so 8 months later I’m broke, owe my boyfriend 4K (yes, you read that right) because he continually covered my horses expenses (which we agreed when I bought her would not be his responsibility) and I’m miserable. No, we’re both miserable… the 4K was money he could put towards buying us a house, or towards an engagement ring (marriage might be postponed but we wanted to at least get engaged), he doesn’t bring it up but it’s killing me to see that number… I also never got enrolled in school because I’m so stressed out all the time about money that I just sleep and watch tv when I have any time off.

About a month ago my boyfriend told me if he’s going to have to keep giving me money he’d rather just pay all my expenses for the next couple months while I get enrolled in school and find a new job. He even made it clear he wouldn’t make me pay him back any of this extra money, he just wants me out of there and happy. So I gave my two weeks as a stable hand but told them I’d continue teaching under the table (take the money off of board) with the intention of continuing that once I’ve found a job and am enrolled in school because I really DO like teaching, just need money to pay for the darn horse. Except, I started to realize I hated my barn, the care is terrible and suddenly I remembered that I was actually looking to move my horse when they offered me the job. Once I wouldn’t be the one feeding am grain and checking waters before turnout, making sure my horse had bedding, etc, I realized the price of the board was ridiculous and I couldn’t believe I was paying it!

Two days ago I moved my horse to a different, much nicer barn that (I couldn’t believe this) is actually less expensive (and closer!). I’ve contacted my school again to get enrolled in accounting AND I found a paid internship that I’m going to apply for once I have proof of enrollment. It isn’t a sure thing but I’m extremely excited, I’m back where I was 8 months ago! (Although in a lot more debt…)

My question, if you’ve made it this far, should I quit teaching? The barn I’ve moved to is private so I can’t teach there. Another big lesson barn switched to private so now there are a lot more instructors in the area than barns, none have any openings at the moment (and I’m talking me bringing my students, they just don’t have the arena space/lesson horses to add more) so I would have to continue teaching at the same barn. This barn is 30 minutes from my house and further from my new barn. I do enjoy teaching and I feel bad about quitting but I also feel that the cons outweigh any pros I have. My license needs to be renewed and I NEED to get insurance (BM told me I didn’t need any because the barn is covered, yeah… that’s sketchy) so I feel like maybe I shouldn’t renew it. Plus a part of why I didn’t teach before was because i wanted to start competing and I would like to try A/O jumpers with my horse.

I feel like I know what to do, I just don’t want to do it and perhaps what I’m really wondering is, am I bad person for putting myself first? I feel so selfish and that’s not me, I also hate disappointing people. A few of my students freaked out when I moved my horse, one was even considering buying a horse (adult beginner who can’t reliably post yet) so I could teach him there which frankly was kind of creepy. Another person, when she heard from another employee I was cutting back my hours yelled at ME because she was angry her daughter has had 3 different instructors since the summer started. It’s not my fault the barn doesn’t pay well and abuses their instructors… but then there are the little 4 and 6 year old kids that love being there. I feel like I’ll miss teaching them so much! Any input is welcome. I actually feel better now that I’ve written everything out, it’s kind of obvious what I need to do, huh?

[trubandloki]

Why would you want to continue working at a barn that you do not agree with their horsemanship? Do you want your name associated with the reputation of this facility?

Everyone (OK, almost everyone) hates change. Of course your students freaked out. A new instructor will be scary.

[Bluey]

I would move on with your life and leave that one bad place behind.
It is about time to do so, no matter what else you do.

Always remember, owning a horse is a money pit and takes many sacrifices.
I would reconsider if that also fits in your life as it is now, or maybe is something that could wait until later?

Get your life sorted out first, horses will be there for you later, in any way you may want to go back to horses.

The horse world is always about the same, with all your experience in it, a few years off, if you later want to get back into it, you can do so any time later.

The question here is, it is not just you, but another person now in the mix and that deserves, as you are doing, very serious consideration over what we would do if unencumbered.

Best of luck, sounds like you already have a good head on your shoulders and will find your way and do good, just keep thinking this thru and then make yourself happy with what you decide.

[Hej]

It’s tough to stop doing something that you like and are good at, so NO you shouldn’t beat yourself up about feeling bad.

However, you’re looking at improving your life here! Get your degree - accounting is a great field for a horsewoman! you may even want to have your own business some day and handle accounts in the industry.

In the mean time, you can also focus on your own horse and riding, and that can also help build your resume in the horse world in the event that you’d like to do some teaching in the future. Looks like a win-win for you!

Your BF sounds like a wonderful man, by the way.

[findeight]

Ummmm…maybe this is if those times you need to step away from horses entirely? You can always step back in. They’ll be there. You should definately acquire additional skills and education and leave the crappy, low paying barn job with no benefits. Perhaps it’s time to find a really nice home for your horse until you are more secure in your own life?

It is a concern you and your horse will be solely dependent on your boyfriend for support and you admit you already owe him 4K, as in you agreed it’s a loan.

He walks, your horse is in more trouble then you are and can be seized and sold for back board. I know, that will never happen, your situation is different, he’d never do that to you, never need that 4K repaid… yadda yadda. But that’s exactly how horses end up in those low end auctions.

You need to really think this one out. BTW husbands walk too so it’s always good to have a way to support yourself before you take on support of a horse.

I stepped away a few times due to life circumstances, it really was the best decision to rehome the horses and come back to it later. For myself and particularly for those horses who got soft landings instead of the auction lot for back board.

[NC001]

take a break from teaching for now, get everything else back in place and then in a year revisit the idea.

[ThreeFigs]

Your Boyfriend is a keeper! Move on bravely into your new life. That barn is/was a bad place and you were being abused. Marry that man and hold onto him with both hands!

[furlong47]

Go to school, get that degree, so you can get a better job that can support your horse and also pay back your boyfriend/contribute to the household. Take the paid internship, or if you don’t get that, find another non-barn job to help with your horse/life expenses while you’re back in school. Even better if it’s a job that will look good/related on your resume. I would not continue teaching at the barn that doesn’t meet your standards, doesn’t pay well, stresses you out, and is shady in other areas (insurance and not sticking with the board deal you made - in the future always get everything in writing).

[SuzieQNutter]

You can not learn when you are tired.

Take the time teaching to ride your own horse.

Even though he said the opposite, pay back the 4k as that is what a person with integrity would do. You choose what type of person you are.

[Scribbler]

Speaking as a college prof: give up the teaching, get a BA in an employable field, keep your horse at a low cost facility or pasture board if you can afford it, put it out on free lease if you cannot.

The lower end of the horse business (which you are in) is dead end career wise, and involves a lot of hard manual labor. Most people age out of it fairly early, unless they have the luck to go further up the ladder or have the cash and luck to start their own facility.

Clear the decks for school, put your energy into that. If you need to work part time, realize that work will cut into your time and energy for school work. So,if you have a choice, pick the job that pays (a) the highest hourly rate and (b) has the sanest hours or the least exhausting labor. Sometimes it’s a tradeoff. Bar waitresses can make a lot in tips, but might have to be up until midnight, and are run off their feet. But definitely don’t pick something that is (a) very low pay and (b) very heavy physical work and © long hours, which pretty much defines barn work.

Teaching riding might or might not make sense, if (a) you are being paid fairly, (b) it doesn’t involve a lot of other barn chores, and © you employers are honest and reliable. In general, the people who are more highly paid are those who give individual lessons to more experienced riders, who are self-employed, and who only need to pay ring fees or the equivalent to the barn where they work. In general, IME, teaching for a lesson string where most of the income goes to the barn is not usually well paid.

So do you have the experience that individual adult ammies would want you to come to their barn for $50 an hour private lessons, with maybe a $10 ring fee to the barn? If so, that is a nice part time job for a student. Or does teaching mean beginner group lessons where the kids pay $50 an hour, and you get paid $10 by the barn?

You can always return to teaching later.

[Bluey]

@ThreeFigs

Your Boyfriend is a keeper! Move on bravely into your new life. That barn is/was a bad place and you were being abused. Marry that man and hold onto him with both hands!

That too, plus whoever said hold your end and start paying the $4000 loan to him, a bit at the time if you have to, because it is the right thing to do, to hold your end of any you agree to, if it is big or little, to family or strangers.

Sounds like you and your BF are both very good people.
It is worth working on that relationship now.
That will provide for that life to go smoothly for both of you.
Now, start working for that degree, then later, once you are secure and able, without horses being a sacrifice, get back into them, on your terms.

You already seem to know how to manage horses and lessons, that is not something you need to keep learning.
If your goal is to advance in your riding, then that you can do now once you get sorted out with your studying, or catch up to that later.

[RedHorses]

This barn screwed you once with the disappearing free board. Why would you think they will pay you fairly under the table! for teaching lessons?

[meupatdoes]

The barn changed the rules on free board and you stayed 8 more months?
And now wonder if you should continue to teach there?

…?

This sounds like a completely dead end lesson barn where all you do is teach kids who ride once a week and no one ever improves past the very beginner level. I would rather sit on the sofa with my dogs.

[hdahlia]

Thanks so much to everyone who read this, I really appreciate it! I was actually writing because I wanted to break down everything that’s happened so I could see how bad the situation was. I’ve started to equate it to a toxic relationship, it was the first barn that I felt comfortable at (the area in general doesn’t seem very welcoming to new people) and I almost feel like it’s my family but if your family prevents you from reaching your goals and makes you feel terrible, then it’s time to get away. Unfortunately I have a lot of experience in that area. Besides, you nailed it about the barn being a dead end lesson barn. Even if the atmosphere was better, there will never be the opportunity for me to improve as a trainer. Just weekly lesson kids who don’t care about anything but how high they jump and entitled.

As for selling the horse… that’s something I’ve considered. I’ve always felt people shouldn’t have animals if they can’t properly care for them and here I am, but I do have some money saved in case of emergency and I’m still paying for her and my own bills. We just know that I only have a limited time left before I need more money. My boyfriend doesn’t want me selling her until I’m ready (she’s a project horse so I always planned on selling her eventually) and while I have debated on selling her anyway, I know my boyfriend wouldn’t be happy about me going behind his back. So that’s not an option yet, but I think when the stress of starting school and finding a job is over it’ll be discussed more rationally.

And yes, I will definitely be paying every cent of that money back. I know how fleeting relationships can be and understand 20 happys years of marriage can end without any notice. Part of why my boyfriend is so supportive of me going back to school is because we both realized how dependent I was on him. Whether it’s a bad break up, divorce, death, or something entirely different he doesn’t want me being forced to move back home, be homeless, petless, etc, as much as I don’t want that to happen. We aren’t terribly romantic but sometimes I think that’s why it works!

[ThreeFigs]

Honey, romance is overrated! He sounds like a real peach, and you’re smart to value him as he values you. What a supportive guy! Remember that old saying – Kissin’ don’t last – cookin’ do! It’s the practical, everyday things that make a relationship work.

[red_mares]

Your boyfriend sounds great but…

You need to look at your financial picture, and to an outsider it doesn’t look good. If BF gets tired of you playing this game you are SOL. Seriously SOL.

Teaching up-downers is nice, as is owning a horse. Right now it reads like you need to start being an adult and making adult decisions.

[Trot_On]

OP, I have given my notice as an instructor at my barn and am counting down the days until my last day. My job changed from when I started (the offer of free board magically disappeared when I finally bought a horse) but being chained to weekends is a big factor in me leaving. I want to enjoy my horse, go places with my husband and enjoy my new grandchild .My students are beginners, but I love correctly starting a rider, overcoming confidence issues and seeing the breakthroughs in riding or personal growth. I will miss teaching, but I know my family is more important and I deserve to have some personal growth of my own. Word has begun to trickle down and I am getting lots of sad puppy faces and even some tears from my students. I have started writing notes to give them, small highlights on accomplishments and what to work on.

We both owe it to ourselves to leave, even if it might be like pulling off a bandaid. Now that you have moved your horse and no longer work in the barn, it will be easy to keep tweeking your hours, pay and soon you will be “taking one for the team” on a regular basis. There is a very good chance that things will go down hill even further because your “value” is now perceived to be lower as you are not a team player because you had the audacity to stand up for yourself and your horse. You are not being selfish, I would wonder more about you if you never took the chance to gain an education and a decent job. It sounds like you have the stuff of a very good relationship with your BF, you owe it to both of you to give it the best chance.

I have started practicing my cheery goodbyes and have my fingers crossed that my bitch pants don’t have to come out. With any luck we can walk on to bigger and better things. We will worry about “our kids”, its what makes us good instructors, but we have our own people to take care of and lots to do.

Good luck

[RPM]

@ThreeFigs

Your Boyfriend is a keeper! Move on bravely into your new life. That barn is/was a bad place and you were being abused. Marry that man and hold onto him with both hands!

This.

I will just add that you can be engaged without any ring at all, certainly without one costing more than $4,000! I mean, where would you go that you would wear that kind of money on your finger?

Your life sounds like the sort of life I dreamed of living when I was your age and younger. But when it starts to turn into a bad dream, time to get out before it becomes a nightmare.

And definitely hold onto that man – he’s a keeper for sure!