Grieving sudden death of my young cat

[BigAnon]

I’m not sure why I’m even writing this as it can’t bring her back, but I think I need to get it all out for therapeutic purposes as I haven’t been able to express all my feelings to anyone in “real life” and it’s killing me inside. I don’t know how to keep moving forward.

Yesterday my mom found my 3-yo female cat laying on the floor of my bedroom. She was already gone. I was at work but received the call & rushed home to see her myself. I don’t know why. I couldn’t have done anything.

There were no signs of any issue. No injuries or illnesses. No toxic plants in my room. No chemicals she could have gotten into. We suspect it may have been a UTI that went untreated (we noticed very minor changes in her behavior but she’s always been a little odd so I didn’t think much of it.)

I feel empty inside.

She was my baby. Forgive me for humanizing her, but I’d never met another cat who was so outgoing and so sweet. She was everyone’s friend. She was the snuggliest little orange fuzzball. She stumbled into my life unexpected- I had a cat at the time and wasn’t looking for a second, but I happened to see her at PetSmart from a shelter and knew she was mine. I just knew she was supposed to come home with me.

I kept waking up last night thinking I heard her meow- she had a distinct chirp/squeak that made my heart melt. Had to keep reminding myself that she was gone.

I dropped her off to have a necropsy done this morning. I’ll get the preliminary results Monday.

She was only 3. We were supposed to have so many more years together. She deserved better. I know on some level it’s not my fault- even if I could go back in time, I wouldn’t know to do anything different. But if it was a UTI, why didn’t I take her odd behavior more seriously? If she was in pain, she hid it. Almost zero symptoms except for sleeping in weird places and one urinary accident in the house the day prior.

Why didn’t I pay more attention? If I had watched her more closely, if I had noticed something earlier this week & taken her to the vet, she could still be here. I keep expecting her to pop out from behind the couches, chirping in her little way.

I just miss her. She slept with me every night, resting her little head on my legs. I can’t imagine getting over this. It was so shocking and sudden and honestly feels so traumatic. My poor baby. She deserved so many more years. We weren’t supposed to say goodbye so soon.

I just don’t know what to do. I’m trying to act normal on the outside- my family knows I’m in pain though I don’t like showing it, so I’ve been trying to keep my mind off her.

But it’s bedtime. She should be here in bed with me, purring away, and she’s gone, and even though it wasn’t my fault I can’t stop blaming myself. I miss her so badly.

[shiloh]

What a face - she’s adorable. I’m so sorry about your loss. But please please do not beat yourself up. I had a vet ask me once when I was doing the same thing over one of my cats “are you a vet?” I said no then she said “Oh, then are you a god?” No…“then how could you know what was going on with this cat?” Oh.

You gave her a happy life - she knew she was loved. And that is really all we can do.

[Callista17]

Very sorry, and hopefully Monday you will get some answers.

I have found out, cats can have congenital problems you’ll never know about until it’s too late sometimes. We had a very handsome lovely cat when I lived at my parents. Always would hang around us, “talk” to us when we were in the shower…
One day, I was passing him in the hallway, and I thought I heard him quietly breathing weird. He was calm, didn’t show any signs, but sure enough- rushed him to the vet. Cardiomyopathy. He had his lungs drained because they were full of fluid. We did our best but…his life ended too early, imo.

Also- cats specifically are CHAMPS at hiding problems. They are. Many cats you only know something’s wrong when things have progressed far along.

It’s always sad, and sorry for your loss. She knew your love.

[Sannois]

I am so very sorry for your loss.
I have no words only Know that it is not your fault, These things happen in life,
She was loved and looked very happy and sweet. I know the hurt, believe me.
Sending you hugs and hopes that the vet will have some answers. Kim

[Marshfield]

I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that cardiomyopathy is a frequent culprit for unexpected feline deaths. And there’s seldom any warning signs

[She_s_Pure_Gold]

So sorry for your loss I know how it feels to lose one so young, it’s hard.

Several years ago DH and I adopted 2 cats for our barn that were deemed ‘unadoptable’ at a no-kill shelter, as no one wanted them (1 was aggressive and 1 was playful/trouble and had been a stray). After many months of earning her trust, the aggressive one, Rosie, became my little snuggle bug and lap kitty. She still had random, unprovoked bouts of aggression that we never could figure out (she would literally be on your lap happy as could be, purring and rubbing on you and the next thing you knew she had all claws and teeth on your hand/arm for no reason). But these aggressions were becoming less frequent. They had become indoor/outdoor cats (Rosie LOVED the fireplace in the winter). One day before work, either I or my husband let them both outside- completely normal. That evening I got home from work and my husband had to tell me the horrible news that Rosie was dead, likely hit by a car. I was devastated. I felt like I had failed her, had failed the rescue. Like yours, she was only 3, we had not even had them for 2 years yet. Worse, she hated the snow, and just 2 days later we started having frequent blizzards and snow that lasted for 2 months. I kept beating myself up, if only we hadn’t let her out that day, she might have mostly stayed inside the rest of the winter and maybe she wouldn’t have gotten hit…But in time, you realize you couldn’t have stopped it. She would not have been happy as an indoor only cat, she loved to hunt and play outside. So I take comfort that while the first half of her life was pretty miserable between being unwanted in a home and then getting surrendered to a shelter only to spend months in a cage…at our home she was loved, spoiled, and had a rather idealic life eventually. So at least we were able to give her that.

So mourn your loss, both the present and future, but do not blame yourself. There is nothing to gain from the coulda/woulda/shoulda game. Give yourself time, and when it feels right, try to open your heart up to another cat who will likely have a great home and life with you. I now have another cat, Gracie. I did adopt her as mostly an indoor cat (she goes out for a couple hours when we’re home during nice weather), as I couldn’t bear to lose another to the road. She’s very different from my Rose but no less loved. I hope another finds itself with you.

[maybedog]

So sorry for your loss. It is hard losing any of them at any age. Ginger kitties are the best. She will send you another. {{HUGS}}

[CanadianTrotter]

Yes, ginger cats are the best…sorry for your loss.

[BellaLuna]

I am also so sorry for your sudden loss.

I had the same experience - my cat was 4. She and her sister had been romping and playing 5 minutes earlier. Found her on the floor, just gone. It was so hard. I still miss her.

Please be kind to yourself. This was not your fault.

[clint]

I’m so sorry for your loss. It wasn’t your fault, although I know I have never lost an animal that I didn’t spend a lot of beating myself up for something I might have missed. The poster who said she will send you another is right; she will.

[Callista17]

Did you hear anything from the necropsy? Did it answer some questions for you?

[beowulf]

@shiloh

What a face - she’s adorable. I’m so sorry about your loss. But please please do not beat yourself up. I had a vet ask me once when I was doing the same thing over one of my cats “are you a vet?” I said no then she said “Oh, then are you a god?” No…“then how could you know what was going on with this cat?” Oh.

You gave her a happy life - she knew she was loved. And that is really all we can do.

love this vet’s insight… hoping for closure for you OP. so, so sorry. i know what it is like to lose something you love very much young & unexpectedly; lots of hugs for you. in the end it is their time to go and there is so very little we can do to stop it.

[BigAnon]

Hi all, thank you for your kind words. It’s been a numb week.

Official necropsy results haven’t come in yet, but my vet talked to the pathologist and apparently there was suspicious fluid in her lungs, along with a little blood. They’re thinking it was a heart/lung issue. Her bladder looked fine- that’s what I was worried about, and undiagnosed UTI, but that wasn’t the issue.

Since hearing that, I’ve been able to breathe a little easier. While we don’t have final results yet, she showed no symptoms of ANY lung or heart issues which relieves some of my guilt. There was simply no way we could have known. If it was a congenital issue, her days may have been numbered since the day she was born.

I was reflecting back on her short little life and was comforted by how everything seemed to fit into place while she was alive. I got her when she was 6 months old from a rescue- I wasn’t even looking for another cat, and yet I knew she was supposed to be mine. It was a feeling so strong and so powerful, I can’t even explain it.

Twice in her life she escaped from our house (being a relatively skittish indoor cat), and both times against so many odds she came back to us. The first time she wandered back on her own the same night- New Year’s Eve, with fireworks probably scaring her half to death, but she somehow was brave enough when I called her name in the middle of the night to come right up to me.

The second time was this past March. She was missing for 6 days. I finally found her peeking out of a drain pipe in a neighbor’s yard. If she hadn’t poked her head out… I never would have thought to look in there.

I don’t know if you believe in fate or a universal destiny or whatever, but given the circumstances, she was meant to be mine from the beginning. Twice I thought she was gone forever and twice she was returned to me. She passed away in my bedroom, a place she would follow me to like a little puppy, surrounded by my scent.

I still miss her deeply. I can’t bear to look at pictures of her on my phone. She was so happy, so chirpy, so silly. I always joke that orange cats have an extra gene for spunk. There’s just something about them.

A few days ago I wouldn’t have been able to consider getting another cat, and I’m definitely not at that point yet, but since having some peace in this situation, I could see myself opening up my home to another eventually. Right now I’m content to snuggle my other cat and appreciate him.

Sorry for the ramble, I didn’t even realize I was writing so much.
TLDR: It’s been hard but it’s getting better.

[Callista17]

I am sorry, and glad you are feeling a little better. Cardiomypathy and blood clots they can get fluid in their lungs, and those there isn’t many signs.

I am.glad you were able to get her back twice, and she was at home. She knew you loved her.

[Feliz]

What gorgeous eyes! She was lucky to have you and you were there at all the right times for her

[Rudy1]

So very sorry you are going through this. It is never easy to lose a furry family member, especially when it is unexpected, I can tell you the vast majority of these in young cats are cardiac in origin. If she was fine at one time and then not the next then the passing is often pretty quick. Dont be hard on yourself…

[BigAnon]

Hi friends, I finally got the necropsy report back. It’s mostly vet-speak and I can’t understand parts of it, but the final diagnosis is:

[B]Heart: Mild to Moderate Multifocal Myocardial Interstitial Fibrosis
Lungs: Pulmonary Congestion and Edema
Mild Pericardial Effusion
Liver: Mild Periacinar Congestion

Although a specific cause of death was not able to be determined, the gross and histological features of the heart, lung and liver suggest acute cardiorespiratory arrest. Based upon the mild fibrosis and other histological features observed in the heart, a fatal arrhythmia is considered likely… the fibrosis suggests subclinical heart disease. Although the weight of the heart was not considered to be strongly indicative of hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, the fibrosis observed may suggest prior injury or infection.[/B]

From my (very limited) understanding, it sounds like an irregular heartbeat that eventually led to a heart attack?

I’m still scared that I did something wrong. I know cardiac issues are tricky in cats and she showed ZERO symptoms, but is there anything I could have done to prevent this?

Thank you guys for your support, I know you “get it” more than the average person. Still grieving, though the pain has been a bit easier to bear.

[Callista17]

No. From what I know and understand, no one would have been able to know and cure her. I’m sorry, but she is at peace, and knew she was loved.

[vxf111]

This was very likely congenital with no signs you could have opened to detect. I am sorry for your loss. Please don’t beat yourself up.

[glitterless]

I’m so sorry for your loss. As others have said, please don’t blame yourself. You adopted kitty and gave her a wonderful 3 years. Hugs to you.