Helping a client after the loss of her horse

[CHT]

A long time client had to unexpectedly put her horse down on Monday. Older horse that she was planning to more or less retire next year. She’s been a client for about 14 years, but she has a unique job that has her often living out of town for long stretches, so I was using her horse in lessons (very lightly, he was an old boy) when she was away. She paid board, and then used the credit for his lesson use towards her lessons, and his additional care (farrier, supplements and such). She has an overall credit right now (mid three figures). She was an older lady, who I think was planning to stop riding when she retired this horse (as she will be moving out of town 100%).

In a few months she will be moving to a different city. her plan had been to commute here to ride/lesson with me a few times a month, but with the loss of her horse I don’t know.

I do have a horse here that I think she would feel safe on, at least walk trot.

questions: 1) How long until I offer her riding on the different horse? She doesn’t really know this horse. I don’t want her to feel like I am trying to replace her very sweet gelding, but I also don’t want her to feel her riding days are over. 2) Should I “refund” her the credit now, or wait to see if she wants to lesson? I don’t want to refund her and feel we are cutting her off. She does still have tack here, but I told her there is no hurry to move it.

Not sure it matters, but she does have a second horse, but that horse is unrideable and already in the city she will be moving to.

[libgrrl]

Were I in her shoes, I would love the offer of another one to ride. I have two unrideables myself, and I genuinely miss riding.

[CHT]

But how soon after would you want that offer? Should I reach out now or give her a bit? She is really wrecked over his death - it’s on top of some other tragic events in her life.

[libgrrl]

Something to the effect of (after offering much sympathy) – “you know, if you ever want to ride, I have Dobbin – and my door is always open.”

[GraceLikeRain]

Sometimes a soft middle ground offer is helpful. Too open ended and it can be hard to initiate outreach but riding lessons might feel too soon.

I wonder about a “when are you next in town? If you have time I’d love to grab coffee or lunch. Perhaps after we could groom New horse together if you’re up for a little horse time”. Especially if she’s less confident, having an opportunity to spend time with the other horse could be helpful and in general therapeutic.

When I suffered a traumatic loss someone extended a similar offer and I really appreciated it. In the months that followed sometimes people would reach out asking if I could “do them a favor” of hopping on someone or giving someone a spa day. I knew it was for me but felt touched that they were thinking about me and wanted to extend an opportunity for me to be around a horse if I wanted.

There’s no wrong answer and hopefully after 14 years any approach you take will be appreciated and understood in the context of your relationship.

[risuenaVT]

Similarly, I was thinking a "I am so sorry for the loss of Dobbin, he was a great horse and a credit to my program and I am pretty sure I actually owe you $x for his use. When you are ready to ride again you are welcome to lessons here. But I also understand if you’re not ready to ride any time soon and would find a refund more useful.

Please do not feel any pressure to respond because I know it’s a difficult time. I’ll reach back out by [x] date if I do not hear from you.

Not necessarily the language I would recommend because I am sure it could be more polished, but expressing honest sorrow, telling them they’re still welcome at the barn, letting them know that you owe them money but are flexible on squaring it up, but also, letting them know that there’s no immediate pressure to make a decision.

I would say that if they don’t respond by the stated date (my instinct is to give them a couple of months - so like if I sent that today, I’d probably say “By the end of August”), my follow up email would try to follow a similar framework but this time say something along the lines of “If I don’t hear from you by [date], I will refund you. You are welcome anytime you want to ride or visit and you have been a treasured member of our community and will continue to be in whatever capacity you are comfortable with.”

Basically, I think offer sympathy, reiterate that they’re always welcome and you understand if it might be a while. But also giving them an opportunity to avoid, if they’re not ready. And give concrete steps to follow-up, just in case they can’t bear to respond themselves.

[Demerara_Stables]

I think 2 weeks would be an appropriate amount of time to follow any of the good suggestions above.

[Grey623]

I like @GraceLikeRain’s approach. I wouldn’t bring up anything to do with money/credit just yet, she’s probably not even thinking about that and just needs sympathy. Plenty of time in a few weeks, when you’ve talked to her again, to make sure she knows you want to keep a relationship going and offer an open door and encouragement to stay involved with horses.

Grey

[trubandloki]

Offering up that you care about this person and you do have an available horse if they still want to ride is not ever insensitive.
Insisting they come ride your horse is insensitive (not saying you are doing that at all, just giving the other side of the coin).

Reach out, offer condolences and like @GraceLikeRain said above, express how much you would love to still see this person when they are in your area. Offer a short list of things you are thinking - dinner, coffee, riding.
A cute story of how much you loved Dobbin is never wrong either.

[axl]

Dear long-term client,

We are all so sorry about Dobbin. He was such a sweet boy and a pleasure to see every day. M, S, and C who often rode him in lessons also want to express their condolences and let you know he will be greatly missed.

One of my favorite memories of him (insert memory)

Please do let me know the next time you will be in town. I would really like to spend some time together and reminisce. Coffee or dinner would be wonderful if you don’t feel up to coming to the barn.

Please know our (or the) barn doors will always be open for you, and I/we do hope to see you there whether you want to ride or just need some horse time.

[trubandloki]

@axl’s post is perfect!

Very well said.

[axl]

I would also say this is slightly complicated by the open credit on her account, but here’s my .02:

If she does come out and just wants to sit on a horse and wander around some, I would not charge/deduct that from her credit. If she ASKS for a real lesson, that I would use against her balance.

[Ajierene]

I don’t think there is a “best” waiting period as everyone is different. Make the offers, as suggested above, do it now and back off if she says she’s not ready. Do it again in a month or two and back off if she’s not ready.

Some people will want to get on right away, some will have trouble going to that same barn where their horse no longer is, some just want time to grieve.

You may want to phrase it like, “hey, I would love if you would join me for a trail ride/hack” or something if you don’t want it to seem like a lesson but also, if you do that, I would not suggest then charging her as per her credit.

If your offer means she is using her credit, just be clear on that upfront but there is also nothing wrong with saying at anytime, “hey, you have this credit and I have this horse but don’t worry, the credit doesn’t expire so no rush”.

That may actually push her to ride if she feels like she wants to “not waste” the credit and may help her with the grieving process. It also gives her a guilt-free way out if she doesn’t want to ride right away.

[Jo]

Assuming there are vet bills for the euthanasia and burial or cremation bills, I don’t think offering a refund of the credit is out of line. She may appreciate those dollars for the bills.

[CHT]

I spoke to her today after she reached out with a memory. I mentioned I had a horse she might like riding if she wanted. At first she didn’t think she wanted to ride, but by the end she decided to keep one of her saddles for now just in case (and asked me to sell the other one). A lot of people at my barn had at some point ridden her horse: I think she appreciates the outpouring of emotions for her horse.

For her credit, she brought up that she considered us “even”, but I mentioned we had no problem e-transfering the credit - she opted instead for us to donate it to a kitty rescue in her horse’s honour (we are both cat people), so I will do that.

I think once the grief is lessened, she will come and visit some of her barn friends and go through her tack to see what she wants to keep vs have me sell.

Thank you for all the thoughts and advice.

[axl]

@CHT

I mentioned we had no problem e-transfering the credit - she opted instead for us to donate it to a kitty rescue in her horse’s honour (we are both cat people), so I will do that.

This is lovely. I very much hope she will come and ride with you again.

[2DogsFarm]

What @axl said.
Maybe let her know she has COTH Aunties sending condolences & Hope for the future

[findeight]

And do take her for coffee or lunch when she visits. You say she has had other recent turmoil in her life, folks facing struggles like these often say after the initial reaction to tragic events, they feel very alone after it wears off and everybody else goes back to normal. Take her for lunch and talk about her.

[2DogsFarm]

TRUE!
BTDT & the friends who didn’t pull back are still my closest…barring geography.