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Horse ownership disagreement - join in!

i wonder if that man’s strip club analogy is in his mind the same erotic stim as horseback riding is to his wife? I know that some people seem to think women ride horses because it feels good in ‘that’ way. Strange how some men’s dirty little minds work, but i think maybe that was where he was going with that.

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To me what stands out is is refusal to sit down and have the conversation about horse ownership. Threatening to go to a strip club is his way of saying I think your hobby is dumb and I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I don’t think anyone would have a problem if the husband said I have some major concerns with how this might impact our finances or time as a family can we talk about and see what we can work out. To me this has less to do with the horses and more to do with the control he wants over his family .

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This right here. He is angry because it’s something you and your daughter do together without his involvement. It’s all about him. I’d tell him to go ahead, go to the strip club if that’s what you want to do.

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The minute he tried to control me- uh bye, bye. Just a big nope. I don’t care if there’s underlying reasons oh poor baby grew up poor.

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Yeah, this is an odd one. Granted we are only hearing one short side of the story but definitely sounds like there is some sort of communication breakdown or even jealously or resentment going on there?

At least from my perspective I can’t imagine being that pissy about something that brings my SO joy unless there is some underlying issue. @OverandOnward I think you are pretty spot on.

@tabula_rashah I agree, even if there are “underlying issues” those are the kinds of things you’re responsible for working through in a relationship for the betterment of both parties. Not using it as an excuse to be a sh*t partner.

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I was dating a guy before/during/after the time I bought my guy. He definitely had jealousy/resentment of my time at the barn and feelings towards my horse. It wasn’t a serious relationship; we didn’t live together and there was no financial planning together for anything. He didn’t like that I was frugal about spending money on food/alcohol and things I didn’t need for myself (he was the opposite) but when it came to the horse I spent what I needed and wasn’t bothered by it. Being frugal elsewhere in my life allowed me to do this. The couple times he came to the barn, he wouldn’t even pet fjordboy and was really standoffish to the friends I made.

Anyways. He didn’t last long after that and I made ZERO apologies about things.

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Had almost the same experience in college. Except that guy kind of made an effort to stand close to me and the horse and smile inanely. I think he thought that if he made a show of making an effort, good things would come his way, or something.

Even while I was longeing the horse. That was awkward and complicated. He didn’t seem to get the mechanics of a long line going around me in circles.

On the surface he was a nice guy. But it was pretty clear that he thought the horse would fade into the background and become less important to me. So yeah, that one didn’t last long, either.

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Loma Prieta earthquake, San Francisco. I drove straight to the stables to see-to my mare, and then go for a ride. Came back home early evening…and SO was furious. Said i should have come home, or at least called (which never occurred to me, no cell phones then, but there was a pay phone at the stable). Needless to say …we didn’t last. “We” (my-mare-and-i) did however!

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Well, I’m not sure that I would be willing to be offended at a spouse who wanted to know I was safe in a natural disaster. That’s a little different than someone getting offended that you spend too much time with the horse. I’m pretty sure I’d be peeved with my husband if I didn’t know He was safe and he didn’t make any effort to confirm if I was, either. I don’t think that has much to do with the horse.

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i wasn’t offended.
i thought maybe it was obvious, but i’ll spell it out:
My concern was only for my horse …SO was not important to me. We didn’t last because i just wasn’t that into him.

Right, I’m saying, you are comparing that to these other people who are saying they dumped people because they didn’t get on with the horses…you dumped someone who was worried about you in a natural disaster as if that’s a character flaw.

If my spouse did the same, I’d be pissed at him. It doesn’t have anything to do with horses, but sure, it definitely does show a major defect in the relationship.

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no, i’m not comparing myself to anyone.
I did not dump him because he was worried about me.

We did not last as a couple because i just was not that into him. And my horse example was just exemplifying that, my horse… that’s all that was on my mind. Not him at all. He wasn’t even on my radar.

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That wasn’t the only reason, there were far worse ones with this person :crazy_face: I don’t need a partner to share my interest per se, but respecting it and being able to share some joy I find in it, is important.

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A former client just got separated, and I am sure some of it was the time she spent with her horse. Her SO approved of the horse, but got tired of coming home to an empty house and having to make dinner/look after more household chores so she could ride five days a week and come home late. I can see that side of it, particularly if you have kids. Owning a horse is a big time commitment, and if you have a small child AND a full day job AND a potentially long drive to the barn, that likely does dump a lot of responsibility on your SO, reduce time together, and probably is something the SO will feel left out on. A part lease sounds like a better compromise until the kid is older.

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I know someone whose LONG DISTANCE partner asked her to stop riding. And it wasn’t a scenario where she was spending so much on the horses that she couldn’t go visit him or something. Totally about control. Don’t think they lasted much longer after that.

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I work from home so am alone with the dogs and two of my horses all day long so when I go to the barn after work, I like to spend time socializing with the other boarders just to get out of the house and talk to adults about something other than permitting (my work). So spend a couple of hours there come home and DH says, “nice of you to drop in.” :roll_eyes: Pardon me for wanting to spend some time out of the house after being cooped up all day.
.

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This one I have always had difficulty with. People who don’t work from home don’t get that the only thing you want to do when you are done is not be there.

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As I said recently about a couple who are having issues… it’s one thing to have separate interests. It’s another to ignore each other completely. If you and your SO avoid each other all the time, that’s no longer a relationship. That’s only a roommate agreement with stronger legal implications.

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That is so brilliantly phrased! :slightly_smiling_face:

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So true! My SO has multiple black belts in a certain style of karate. He is actually one of the top three ranked black belts in something in the nation. Before covid he went to Okinawa once a year to train for two weeks and actually almost got caught there; he got home ~ week before Okinawa closed its figurative doors to travel. He also goes to other places for training, but locally he goes once sometimes twice a week after work to the dojo and spends every Saturday morning at the dojo training and teaching. I try to follow but not only is it a sport I don’t know, but it’s also entirely in a different language. But I support it and I know the names of some weapons and I know what a kata is, so there’s that. I don’t do karate and he doesn’t try to ask me, though he’s also a force instructor so we will practice some “approved” skills. I’m a scrapper but nothing like the gracefulness he has.

He’s leery of horses and allergic to my whole farm. But he has learned too and he always asks every night while I’m doing chores if the horses are all tucked in, or happy, or angry that I was late, etc. The other day he sent me a real estate ad for this huge house, like 6200 sq ft, and we were chatting back and forth about it and I said it was too huge. He said we could just “rotate” through the house for the seasons like paddocks :rofl:.

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