I have the same experience. I certainly could not have “had it all at the same time” if my DH had been someone else. He was and still is a true partner in all things. He wanted kids more than I did, so…Yes I am lucky, yes I probably am in the minority, but that is my experience, and I am by no means someone extraordinary.
We had (and still have) no family in the US, but we have a small circle of really, really good friends. And jobs that allowed flexibility (Some days, I would drop off my baby and all her “stuff” at my DH’s office while I went to work, and she would be loved on and passed around at his office until I got back. Made for a very social baby!) And I am so grateful for that. My daughters are adults now, late 20ies/early 30ies and they have both said how lucky they were to be raised the way they did. They are not perfect by any means, who is? but they’re happy.
It’s a great theoretical question, and I’m not sure to be honest. Most likely I would still embrace motherhood, but would stop at 2 kiddos (vs right now we’re planning to have another 1-2).
But it would give me pause as I realize (as mentioned in my post) that I am in an very privileged position, although that privilege was also crafted with considerable intentionality. My husband being very “domestic” was a major attraction point and I invested heavily in my early career and was strategic in my career “forks in the road”. Doesn’t negate the systemic privileges that boosted me and opened doors for me – but there has been nearly 10-15 years of strategic planning to set life up this way as I knew making horses + family work where I live would be very costly.
To acknowledge your privilege demonstrates grace and gratitude.
That is so cool! I worked with an entire team of gay men who had no exposure to babies. It was fun watching them with my kid. I was very close with my co-workers, and they pretty much took my offspring in stride.
My “baby” is 30, nearly 31. I’m happy with the woman she has become. I attribute a lot of that to nature more than nurture. I am, however, proud to say that we didn’t interfere with her natural talents and personality. She is a very kind person, which is huge given the way the world is going these days.
Rebecca
@ASBJumper your post resonated so much with me! Thank you for sharing.
I had my daughter at 41 and she was a complete and total surprise. I was not 100% on board with it but I found out I was pregnant at 27 weeks. I love my daughter with every ounce of my being but being a mother is not for the faint of heart and not exactly my favorite thing. It is an every day juggling act and challenge, with soul-sucking guilt sprinkled on top. But the arms around the neck, with the little voice saying, “I love you Mommy” makes most if it easier to handle.
I will also refer to another poster (I apologize, I cannot remember who) that mentioned having a child is like getting a tattoo on your face. It’s a commitment you have to embrace.
That was me, glad it resonated 
You’ve gotten a lot of great advice here already, but I wanted to chime in as someone who went through IVF (at age 36, now 39), because it is not the same as a “normal” pregnancy.
IVF is extremely consuming, both in terms of money, time, and emotions. If you’re lucky enough to have some insurance coverage (and most states/insurances don’t), there will still be limits and things they don’t cover. It’s also likely you may need more than one cycle. You may need to consider pausing on showing/cutting back on horse expenses just to afford the cost. I did ride throughout the IVF process, with the exception of right before/after the egg retrieval (took about a week or so off) - you need to do this to avoid the risk of ovarian torsion. However I rode at a very light level during this time - the hormones make you tired, bloated, and just not feeling 100% yourself. It was however a great outlet for me during the stress of the process.
Once I got pregnant, after the thousands of dollars and emotional stress I went through, the risk of riding just didn’t appeal to me. My doctor’s discouraged it and it just wasn’t worth it to me. Your experience may differ, but just something to be aware of. I did start riding again about 8 weeks after my son was born, but my mare is older now and I don’t compete anymore. Riding was just my outlet/therapy but it took a solid 6 months for me to feel like “myself” in the saddle.
Mare is now 26 and essentially retired as I am pregnant with #2 and my son is almost 2 years old. I still enjoy going to the barn, and my son enjoys coming with me which is fun.
I think you would benefit a lot from thinking about if you will regret not having a child - if that answer is yes, then you will need to pursue that now, as unfortunately time is not on your side. If the answer is no, then you probably should have that conversation with your husband sooner than later. There are no wrong answers, but you need to be honest with yourself. IVF is a hard road, and if you don’t truly want it, then it could really wreak havoc on your marriage.
You asked if you can have it all - and I truly believe the answer is no, not all at once. You will need to do some soul searching to determine what is most important to you right now - family or horses, and act accordingly.
I wish you the best of luck moving forward, whatever you decide!
