Horses & Motherhood

[alishaarrr]

Thanks for indulging me in this personal topic … appreciate the experiences and wisdom of this group.

FIRST, LET’S TALK ABOUT ME.

I am a 40-year-old AA. After leasing for a long time, I finally made the leap to horse ownership about four years ago. After some ups and downs not finding the right partner, in November I bought a new horse (7yo OTTB) and he’s an absolute dream. I am super smitten with him and excited to have some adventures together.

He has great basics and a lovely disposition for us to learn and grow together as he advances in what he can do and I continue strengthening my good riding fundamentals. In addition to building up our capabilities in dressage and jumping, I’m eager to make him a solid hacker and all-around steady/confident partner. All the ability is there, we just need time, effort, and miles. Lots of my mental energy and time are going into establishing our partnership right now.

That said … my husband (45) really wants a kid. I have always been fairly ambivalent about having kids, but we’d be awesome parents and I think it would be a great adventure. We are fortunate to have solid financial means, a good support network of parents/friends, and jobs that generally support a good parenthood experience (flexibility/hours/benefits). We haven’t been able to conceive naturally, so it’s time to do IVF or admit defeat.

At the same time, in addition to, you know, the usual fears about being a terrible mother, I have reservations about where and how horses will factor in my life once I become a parent. My husband and I have had plenty of conversations about this – he really values how good riding is for my mental and physical health and how much happiness it brings me. He is supportive of me continuing to ride and own a horse if we have a child, and has said he’ll pull his weight and make sure I have time to ride. However, I’m presently so focused on trying to get a bit more established with my new horse that I really wish I could continue to delay the whole kids thing. But we’re old enough that it’s really not wise to wait any longer, so I need to do it now or never. And something in me is going, “NO NO NO NO NO.” And I know that something is mainly horses.

I know I can keep riding into pregnancy (my mom did until she was seven months pregnant with me!), and in the later stages and post-partum are great times to work on groundwork (which I love), build confidence hacking from the ground, or just do good conditioning at the walk. I would probably take on a leaser to keep him fit and busy, and ideally find someone with some skills who could continue advancing his training. But I am just super afraid that I’ll fall off the parenthood cliff and it will take years and years to pick up where I am with my riding and training now.

So … NOW LET’S TALK ABOUT YOU.

I would love to hear how feasible it was for you to ride during pregnancy. I would love to know how you fared post-partum, physically and otherwise. I would love to hear how you made it work to keep riding part of your life with a newborn, a baby, a toddler. I would love to know how you balanced the demands of motherhood on your time and energy, with your need to invest time and energy into horses.

Is it ridiculous to expect that I can stay somewhat consistent with riding and training my lovely horse? Can I actually have it all here? What should I know and think about?

[endlessclimb]

I can’t speak to the horses and motherhood part of things.

I will tell you what my very good friend told me, when asked “how old is too old for your first child, if you’re trying to avoid problems (genetic/autism/etc)?” Her answer without hesitation was “34.” She is a life-long NICU nurse, and has seen some crazy and sad things in her career.

I’m sure there are lots of people who have had no complications. I’m sure there’s lots of tests and things that go along with IVF to help prevent issues. But the risks are definitely greater.

Just another facet to consider.

[pony_grandma]

34?? I all TOO easily had kids at 33, 35 and 38 … I wasn’t even trying

[endlessclimb]

I’m just telling you what my NICU nurse friend told me, when I asked her the question.

This is also supported in the scientific community as a whole - the risk of complications and/or genetic issues goes up quite a bit.

[Words_of_Wisdom]

@alishaarrr PM me if you want, happy to share my experiences with horses/work/life/etc. as a new mother.

[alishaarrr]

@endlessclimb

I can’t speak to the horses and motherhood part of things.

I will tell you what my very good friend told me, when asked “how old is too old for your first child, if you’re trying to avoid problems (genetic/autism/etc)?” Her answer without hesitation was “34.” She is a life-long NICU nurse, and has seen some crazy and sad things in her career.

I’m sure there are lots of people who have had no complications. I’m sure there’s lots of tests and things that go along with IVF to help prevent issues. But the risks are definitely greater.

Just another facet to consider.

Thanks for the reply – this definitely factors into the decision calculus. I’m a public health specialist by profession and training, specializing in sexual-reproductive health, so well aware of all that having a “geriatric pregnancy” entails and am comfortable becoming a mother at my “advanced maternal age” (which is increasingly common these days, btw).

Would really be glad if this thread doesn’t turn into a debate about appropriate ages in which to have children.

[alpine1]

A pregnancy where the mom will be 35+ at delivery is considered a “geriatric pregnancy” or an “advanced maternal age” pregnancy. These moms are advised to meet with a geneticist and have amniocentesis.

As for the OP’s “great adventure” of having kids, like any adventure, you never know what’s going to happen. A pregnancy can be complicated and you can be put on bedrest for months. Having an infant is exhausting, you don’t get much sleep for at least six months. If you are working full time too…it’s rough. Most parents don’t plan for a child with physical limitations or a developmental disability like autism, and these can seriously impact everything from your income to your ability to have free time to ride your horse. Being very, very financially secure helps a lot. If you have the means to hire a nanny, for example, you’ll have more time to ride your horse. So if you really want kids, go for it, but be prepared for your life to change drastically in every way. It’s like having a very demanding houseguest that never leaves

[endlessclimb]

Not my intention at all. Best of luck to you in your life’s journey!

[alar24]

nothing to add, but at 27 I’ve worried about this as well (even though kids are a whiles away!) Interested to hear what people say

[Texarkana]

My son was born in 2020, on my 38th birthday. (Start of the pandemic too… fun times)

I don’t think it’s ridiculous to think you will stay riding, but no one can tell you how you and your life will change. I know it sounds trite, but things are different after you have a child in ways that are hard to articulate and don’t look the same for everyone.

I didn’t get to keep riding beyond my first trimester while pregnant; my horse injured herself and by the time she was sound again, I had gotten pretty wobbly and didn’t want to be legging up a horse after time off.

It took me awhile to get back into the swing of riding, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that will be true for you. I had 5 horses at home then plus was working full time, so with or without a baby saddle time was a precious commodity. Plus, I had some unexpected health problems after delivery (a strep equi infection in my uterus… that’s an equine specific bacteria ).

My kid is almost 4 now and I still don’t get to ride as much as I’d like, but that’s my journey. Who is to say yours will be the same.

[NoSuchPerson]

@alishaarrr

Is it ridiculous to expect that I can stay somewhat consistent with riding and training my lovely horse?

Yeah, it probably is ridiculous.

@alishaarrr

Can I actually have it all here?

Probably not.

@alishaarrr

What should I know and think about?

You have no idea how easy or difficult your pregnancy is going to be. I had two kids and got both extremes.

You have no idea how easy or difficult your labor and delivery will be and how quickly you will recover.

You have no idea how you will be affected mentally by post-partum hormones and the changes in your body and your life. I was a real mess after my first, my second was barely a blip in my daily routine.

You have no idea what kind of baby you’re going to get. Some babies are easy. They just show up and get with the program, meshing seamlessly into your life. Some are not. Some show up screaming, disrupting every second of your routine and turning your life upside down - like the mayhem guy in the insurance commercials. I had one of each.

I’m not trying to discourage you. It sounds like you have a great support system and a husband who will be involved and supportive, which will be invaluable. I’m just saying that there is a lot about pregnancy, childbirth, and babies that you can’t predict and can’t control, so don’t go into it believing that it’s going to be any particular way. And you won’t know how your horse is going to fit into your post-partum life until you get there.

[exvet]

I was almost 30 and then 32 when I decided to have kids. So older than many but still in good shape and very healthy. I rode up until 2 weeks of delivery with my first born. I sent my horses to a trainer for a month (2 weeks prior to delivery and the 2 weeks after) to keep things going and then after an episiotomy was back in the saddle 2 weeks post partum. I didn’t have any significant issues with riding other than juggling my schedule because I worked full-time and now had a baby. I figured out a way to steal time to ride, keep my job and show by late summer (first child born in May). I had to stop riding at almost 7 months with my second pregnancy because of being too heavy and off balance to feel comfortable to ride. I had been showing my horses up to my third month of the 2nd pregnancy and continued to ride until I felt I had to stop. I had a friend come ride my horses at least once a week until 2 weeks post delivery. Again, I was back in the saddle without too much issue. I exercised and did my best to stay fit throughout both pregnancies. My OB/GYN said I was built to have children, lol, whatever that means. For perspective, I’m 5’2" and back then non pregnancy weight was 102 lbs. My first born was a civilized 6 lbs at birth. My second born was 10 lbs due to going past my due date.

I continued to juggle career, kids and horses and still do today at age 60 (though the kids are now grown and on their own). Arena lights are a godsend. Spouse comfortable watching the kids certainly helps. Once my kids hit school-age my parents were a huge help. My kids got used to play pens set in the middle of the arena or corner depending on time of day and what I planned to work on. They also got used riding in a back pack when I had to hold horses for farriers, etc. They went to shows with me once they were old enough to listen and follow instructions well. Both ended up getting into horses so I got very lucky. My parents and the children’s’ father as well as I took turns taking the kids to their various activities, social events and school stuff. I chose jobs that I would be able to wrangle the time needed to ride and show. During my 30s, 40s and well into my 50s I burned the candle at both ends and really didn’t sleep much. I developed a breeding program and campaigned my stallion (s) and youngstock. Was it worth it? You damn well better believe it was.

Now, for the sort of down side - my marriage ended but that had less to do with the horses and career and more to do with other issues that developed. As a result of the divorce I had to retire my breeding program. At 60, I do not regret for one moment having children and am grateful for their contributions. I also am so glad I kept riding. I still back and start young stock and compete. Though I’ve downsized significantly in horse numbers and horse shows (just go to 3-4 recognized shows a year now), I fear if I stop I won’t be able to get back into it no matter how hard I try; so, I will continue as long as I am physically able. My kids (adults) still come to help me at the horse shows when they can. They still join me for an occasional trail ride when their schedules allow. I can honestly say I have very, very few regrets; but, to be totally transparent, I’ve never known life without a horse. I also was raised by a father who geared me towards the belief that I could ‘have it all.’

[clanter]

either adoption or getting a dog might be better

We got rid of the horses until our youngest child was three, even so often this young girl would go missing only to find her training her horse either in a stall or in a paddock Her horse was a saint.

[sophie]

Of course individual factors play a huge role, so it’s hard to answer your questions.

But I can share my own experience.

I had 2 kids, when I was 28 and then 31 years old.
And in my mind, there was no way having kids would prevent me from riding my horse.

I was lucky, because I never really stopped riding at all. I did stop competing (combined training, i.e dressage + jumping) when I was 3 months pregnant, mostly because I started showing, then, and other people thought I was crazy and irresponsible (Yeah, they were right lol).

I was lucky to have a very good support system AND a job that allowed me a lot of free time.
For my first pregnancy, I rode until I was 8 months pregnant, and was back on my horse 2 weeks after delivery.

Luckily- my (somewhat hot, Morgan) mare was a gem, and I was never, never fearful on her. I knew she was not going to buck or rear or spook. If anything, she became much more “mellow” during my pregnancy, standing stock still, for instance, while I was piling buckets to get on her!
I don’t know that I would have felt the same on my next horse (Ottb mare)…so there’s that.
And yes, your balance will make riding feel quite different! Not to mention your encroaching belly, haha!

Luckily - my 1st baby was also a gem - slept through the night, then I could count on her to sleep 2 hours in the AM and 2 hours in the afternoon, like clockwork. (2nd baby, OMG! Never slept more than 30 min at a time, it seems, including at night! Hahaha!) 1st baby was also very content to stay in her playpen, busy with all sorts of toys, by the outdoor arena while I was riding.
And I repeat - I have a WONDERFUL husband who didn’t mind watching the kids while I was riding/competing.

But. Every situation is different! Having kids is definitely an adventure. Best of luck to you!

[Posting_Trot]

I had my first and only child at age 41. (My mother was 46 when I was born). The only complication I had was that my baby was so big, he caused a pretty significant UTI by pressing on one of my kidneys, bladder, etc. He was over 11 lbs when he was born, by Caesarian section.

I didn’t ride while I was pregnant. I did other forms of exercise, but not riding. And I didn’t start riding again until he was 18 months old or so. I didn’t own a horse at the time, so exercising the horse or worrying about paying for a horse that I wasn’t riding wasn’t an issue.

I started taking lessons again when he was 18 months, and bought a horse when he was three, and have owned one since.

I think the biggest issue for me was that I was much more risk averse after he was born. I also had less time, generally, so haven’t showed much at all. Ultimately I decided I didn’t miss showing, so it didn’t feel like a sacrifice.

[FjordBCRF]

@alishaarrr

Can I actually have it all here?

I am 40, and childfree by choice so take my comments as you will. I have a lot of friends now that have had kids and the kids are grown, and friends that have youngsters. Of the mother’s…NONE of them “have it all” and even with supportive husbands and good outside of the house support systems, their hobbies (among other things) have taken a backseat and for some of them permanently.

[NichtNixen]

46, and CFC. I think there is a version of having it all, if you have the time and money for the support you need, but it probably won’t be easy.

Friends I know who did IVF spent boatloads of money, had physical issues, the trauma of failed procedures, and then were anxious throughout - I doubt an IVF doctor is likely to okay a high risk activity during a high risk pregnancy.

But really, what I want to know is if deep down, in your heart of hearts, you want to be pregnant and raise a child, or if the pressure from your partner and social expectations that “you’d be good at it” are creeping in. Make the choice to be a parent, with all the inherent sacrifices because it is your desire - not anyone else’s.

[FjordBCRF]

@NichtNixen

Friends I know who did IVF spent boatloads of money, had physical issues, the trauma of failed procedures, and then were anxious throughout - I doubt an IVF doctor is likely to okay a high risk activity during a high risk pregnancy.

I recently ran into a friend from high school, my age. He and his wife wanted one more kid, went through IVF, implanted 3 “just in case” and now have triplets. He is very unhappy with life, I have never heard a parent talk so candidly about things like that. I felt so bad for all involved.

[Lusoluv]

I never had the same burning desire to have children as I did to ride/train horses. My husband knew this before we got married and was ok with that, although he would have preferred to have children. In my mid-30s I seriously considered having children for about a year. After much consideration/discussions/research, I kept coming back to my feelings of doubt. In the end I didn’t have children because if I kept wondering how much he/she would “interfere with my riding passion”, then I wouldn’t be giving a child all my love and attention. Since I grew up in a household where I didn’t feel #1 most of the time, I certainly wasn’t going to repeat that. Some might see that a selfish decision, but I knew it was an honest one.

[K_VanOlst]

@NichtNixen

But really, what I want to know is if deep down, in your heart of hearts, you want to be pregnant and raise a child, or if the pressure from your partner and social expectations that “you’d be good at it” are creeping in. Make the choice to be a parent, with all the inherent sacrifices because it is your desire - not anyone else’s.

I had someone tell me having kids is like getting a face tattoo - you need to want it more than anything in the world, because it will change your life and you can’t undo it. You need to be 100% committed.