Horses & Motherhood

[alpine1]

@FjordBCRF

I recently ran into a friend from high school, my age. He and his wife wanted one more kid, went through IVF, implanted 3 “just in case” and now have triplets. He is very unhappy with life, I have never heard a parent talk so candidly about things like that. I felt so bad for all involved.

Yep, this is a “you never know what’s going to happen” situation, which is what makes it so hard to predict what you will and won’t be able to do after getting pregnant. You have to be prepared and willing to accept anything and everything, including not having time to ride. Again, money is a major factor. If you are wealthy and able to hire a nanny, you will have time to ride even if you have triplets with special needs or something like that. If your baby will have two sets of grandparents nearby, and those grandparents are happy to watch the child regularly for a couple hours a day, you’ll be in a good situation for riding. If you’re working full time, child is in daycare, husband is working full time…not sure there’s that much time to ride during the week. And this goes on for many years, well beyond the baby stage.

Having said all that, a mom with a happy hobby is a happy mommy, so don’t give up riding after having a child unless you absolutely 100% have no choice.

[moonlitoaksranch]

I didn’t ride when I was pregnant. I was in my 30s, but I didn’t want to take any chances. The horse beasts had lots of turnout, grooming sessions, walks, treat training, etc… I still cleaned their stalls, did my runs, and drove the tractor. I looked forward to introducing them to our baby. I was all in when I found out I was pregnant. Don’t worry too much now about all your trepidations and fears. That’s natural. Most women just buckle down and do their best for their baby.

I think the best of all worlds is to have your horses at home on turnout when you start a family. The bonus is that your family includes the horses and the child grows up around them. Our son doesn’t have allergy issues. I sure part of that is because he was in a baby carrier strapped to me while I flung hay and pet soft noses. Watching the horses react to the baby was the neatest experience. Even the cows reacted well. It felt like a natural addition to our family.

The biggest thing to decide is if you are willing to put your showing on hold and prioritize the baby’s needs. You don’t have to, but it will make it much easier to meet the needs of a child. Your body WILL change after a baby. I don’t think it was a bad change, but my hips were looser and I felt like I could wrap my legs around the horse better. Give it a couple of years and you’ll be back with an adorable pony and youngster in a lead line class.

[Words_of_Wisdom]

Having just been through this-- all of my doctors (IVF specialist, OB, MFM) all were ok with me flatting my horses during my high-risk geriatric pregnancy.

I don’t think that I “have it all” but I feel pretty darn close-- it’s a balancing act, just like anything else in life.

And if you don’t want to significantly increase the risk of multiples, don’t transfer multiple embryos. Many doctors will not do that anymore for a litany of reasons.

[HorseLover65]

You have already received a lot of good responses, but thought I would chime in anyway about the concept of having it all. There are three factors outside of yourself - your spouse, the demands of your work and the amount of family support. I had my one and only child at 30. Easy pregnancy and mostly easy baby. I worked full time + and earned more money than my husband. We had no local family to pitch in. I wasn’t riding at the time, but if I had been, it would have suffered greatly. Working motherhood is no joke, especially without support. My husband still had his hobbies, but I had work and being a Mom. I loved being a Mom, but man was it exhausting. And the guilt is ridiculous even if you are just juggling work and home. Be really sure. Communicate exactly what you expect from your partner. Changing diapers and midnight feedings is the easy part.

Good Luck with your decision

[GraceLikeRain]

@alishaarrr

That said … my husband (45) really wants a kid. I have always been fairly ambivalent about having kids, but we’d be awesome parents and I think it would be a great adventure.

COTH parents typically kept it all more than most, that’s why they are connected on an online forum about horses. Within my network there are several people I know that permanently left horses because the needs of their child are such that they will never be independent and the emotional and financial needs preclude having a hobby this intense. Some have found peace but others really struggle with the loss of identity and community.

Personally, I decided that I would rather live with the sense of “what if we had” than risk losing everything we had for the concept of a dream child and dream life that was in no way guaranteed. The only way we were excited was if we planned on things that we have zero control over such as a child launching and living independently one day and the only fair way to go into it is being at peace that truly nothing is under your control.

[Bonnie2]

Horses will still be around in 10 years. The opportunity to be a mom will not.

[punchy]

Just popping in to say that there is also adoption, especially if the actual pregnancy part is a factor in your decision. Two people close to me have adopted lovely children.

[FjordBCRF]

This crossed my mind too though Im guessing OP is aware of the option. I have friends that began their adoption journey in 2017. It wasn’t until fall of 2023 they were selected and had 24 hours notice! Now, I don’t know how “picky” they we in what they were looking for, but that also took a lot more time than they had hoped. I know others that have adopted seemingly in much faster timeframes, but I couldn’t tell you what the differences were. Nothing on that end is guaranteed to fit into an ideal timeline either.

[Horsegirl_s_Mom]

@alishaarrr

we’d be awesome parents and I think it would be a great adventure.

I don’t want to read too much into a single line in your post, so take this with a grain of salt.

I feel like viewing kids through the prism of, “What will having kids do for me?” is the wrong way to look at it.

The essence of having kids is sacrificing your own desires and “adventures” to the needs of dependent beings. It’s a many-decades long project of care-taking. Your own autonomy is severely curtailed. That doesn’t mean there aren’t rewards–kids will make you laugh on a daily basis, and there will be plenty of new adventures through the eyes of your children.

I personally have found motherhood to be the most rewarding thing is my life–nothing else comes close. So I’m not trying to discourage you. Just trying to articulate the paradigm-shift one has to be ready for with parenthood.

[alpine1]

@Horsegirl_s_Mom

I don’t want to read too much into a single line in your post, so take this with a grain of salt.

I feel like viewing kids through the prism of, “What will having kids do for me?” is the wrong way to look at it.

The essence of having kids is sacrificing your own desires and “adventures” to the needs of dependent beings. It’s a many-decades long project of care-taking. Your own autonomy is severely curtailed. That doesn’t mean there aren’t rewards–kids will make you laugh on a daily basis, and there will be plenty of new adventures through the eyes of your children.

I personally have found motherhood to be the most rewarding thing is my life–nothing else comes close. So I’m not trying to discourage you. Just trying to articulate the paradigm-shift one has to be ready for with parenthood.

[candyappy]

Having your first pregnancy at 40 or 41 would most likely put you in a high risk category. I doubt you would want to do much riding unless it was on a “steady eddie” type of mount.

Everything changes after the child arrives. Not only for your life but your energy, and likely your priorities as well as how much time you have. Having a child is a huge blessing and one I would never change but despite my desire to ride ( horses were right here at home) it took a backseat to the needs of my 3 for several years.

Once the youngest was about 4 ( all were 2 yrs apart) I managed to ride and work with at least 1 horse most days. A far cry to my pre children days! Once they were a bit older we were back to normal.

[Texarkana]

@HorseLover65

Working motherhood is no joke, especially without support.

Amen to this. I never thought I’d want to be a stay-at-home mom. I assumed working was very doable: most moms work. My mom worked. How hard can it be? Ha!

If I had a time machine, the one thing I would do is save up to take off at least that first year. I was inadvertently blessed by the pandemic and “work from home,” which extended my maternity leave from a paltry 6 weeks (criminal, do not let anyone tell you that is “enough” like my colleagues did at my small workplace exempt from federal laws) to 5 months. But even still, it wasn’t easy.

[luvmyhackney]

@Horsegirl_s_Mom

I don’t want to read too much into a single line in your post, so take this with a grain of salt.

I feel like viewing kids through the prism of, “What will having kids do for me?” is the wrong way to look at it.

The essence of having kids is sacrificing your own desires and “adventures” to the needs of dependent beings. It’s a many-decades long project of care-taking. Your own autonomy is severely curtailed. That doesn’t mean there aren’t rewards–kids will make you laugh on a daily basis, and there will be plenty of new adventures through the eyes of your children.

I personally have found motherhood to be the most rewarding thing is my life–nothing else comes close. So I’m not trying to discourage you. Just trying to articulate the paradigm-shift one has to be ready for with parenthood.

This deserves another read.

I have three kids, I had them younger and a mediocre support system. My husband and I both worked and building careers, somehow he managed to have a bunch of hobbies but I was too deep into the motherhood thing to continue mine. I took lessons occasionally, but took a break from owning.

If you have the funds to pay for the things that free up your time to balance kids and horses, go for it. It helps tremendously, but be aware that even if your husband “wants” kids, you will be the one sacrificing the most in the process, so do it because you want kids not because of him. Things could change and you could end up a single parent. If that were to happen, would you still want to have a child?

Not saying don’t, I love my soul sucking comical little monsters with all my soul, but they aren’t like having a new pet.

[Against_All_Odds2]

I rode and had my first horse throughout pregnancy but did sell her when my daughter was about 3. I was not able to WFH and had a pretty chaotic work schedule at the time. Things actually settled down a bit for me during the pandemic and I bought a horse, sold the horse, bought a new horse AND my original 1st horse was sold back to me. I now have the 2 (1 semi-retired and 1 active show horse). I think my daughter was 5 at that time of the pandemic. Fast forward 4 years and I can absolutely attest to having it all. It’s doable.

*In my situation the horse I sold when kiddo was 3 basically became a free-lease. If I had a do-over I would have absolutely half leased or fully leased her. So looking into that type of situation while you are TTC might be beneficial for you.

• My husband and I only ever wanted one child and we still stand by this. It is much easier on us than our friends with several children. We planned it this way and are thriving in our little “tripod”

[lenapesadie]

My sister has an adorable 2 yo boy. Her husband is a high earner and my sister does not work. They hire out a few domestic chores; cleaning and yard work etc. Extended family willing and able locally to help with child care and such.

My sister doesn’t have the time or energy to do anything but survive right now and it’s been like that since before birth. Nephew is one of those “extra” kiddos and by all measures it’s hard.

IIWM, I’d need to want kids enough that walking away from horses was worth it.

[PeachesandCream]

I’m probably a bit of an outlier here, but I have four kids (8,5,3, and 5 months.) I have managed to continue riding pretty consistently 3-4 days per week since becoming a parent. I do keep my horses at home which really helps as far as getting horse time in, although I did board when my first was an infant. Fortunately, my husband is very supportive and is willing to help with the kids so that I can ride.

I will say that parenthood has required me to make some concessions as far as horses go: I don’t show, I wouldn’t really have time for it at this point, and it has changed the type of horses I am willing to ride. I’m not looking for thrills and spills at this point, so I stick to something pretty safe that I can still have fun with.

I rode until 20 weeks with my first pregnancy, 25 weeks with my second, and 19 weeks with my third. I didn’t ride at all past ~5-6 weeks with my fourth because I didn’t feel safe riding the horse I had at the time while pregnant. For me, stopping about mid-pregnancy was about right because I felt like my belly was starting to affect my balance at that point. However, I continued to enjoy my horses on the ground, doing lots of groundwork, getting in to horse agility, and handwalking. Honestly, the time goes by so quickly and you’ll have the baby and be ready to get back in the saddle again before you know it! I rode for the first time between 1-2 weeks postpartum with all four.

I would encourage you to have or adopt a child if you want one. They are 110% worth it in my opinion. Yes, there are sacrifices that have to be made, but when your baby looks up at you with adoring eyes or your little one puts their arms around their neck and tells you how much they love you, there is no feeling like it in the world. It is totally possible to keep riding and be a mom; you can have both!

[K_VanOlst]

@PeachesandCream

my husband is very supportive and is willing to help with the kids so that I can ride.

I’m not trying to pick on your post specifically but I see this a lot from women who try to balance both kids and horses - your husband is not a babysitter. THEY’RE HIS CHILDREN TOO. I hate seeing it framed as “helping” and men being fawned over for it - it shouldn’t even be a consideration, they should be doing at minimum half the work. Of course we all know that’s rarely how it goes so they end up being celebrated for doing the bare minimum

[RMJacobs]

I worked in a high stress and long hours job when I had my only kid at 35. It was a strain even with my husband staying home the first year. I was always torn over giving my job the energy it demanded and finding time with my baby. I often came home after she was asleep and only saw her for a short time in the morning before work. Weekends got sucked into work way more than I wanted.

We decided to move from Pasadena, CA to what was then a small town in Colorado when our baby was eleven months old. We both worked until she was about six, decided we had no life that way, and DH stayed home again, that time permanently. Having him home was a huge weight off my mind, but I still ended up working long hours and always struggled with finding enough time for my family.

Around the time that DH quit working, I got back into horses and started our daughter in lessons. I was riding occasionally on nose to tail trail rides, some of which she also did. We got horses (kept at home) when she was ten. It was supposed to be something all three of us did together, but it soon became apparent that I was the only one with a passion for horses. So it became one more thing to pull me away from doing things with my family. I never showed, just drove my ponies around the neighborhood, but it still all takes time. The only reason it worked at all was because DH did all the horse, home and child care.

So the thing to think about is whether you want a child enough to deal with being pulled in so many directions. It would have been pretty guilt inducing if I hadn’t wanted the time with the family enough to have everything but my job take a back seat. It helped that she participated in my other passion, cycling, from riding on a tandem attachment with me when she was too young to ride a bike, to doing rides with me on her own bike as she got older.

Just make sure you want that child for itself, not just because you think you would be good parents and can afford to do so. I was sensing some ambivalence in your post (maybe I’m misreading it), and while no one is ever totally sure about having a child, you still need to want that extra being in your life.

Rebecca

[Training_Cupid]

I was lucky to have an easy pregnancy (age 36 with my first and only), and I was able to ride and show throughout. I rode my horse 2 days before my baby was born, and I was back on him 2 days later. My husband was able to support me so i could continue riding and showing throughout my child’s infancy. The first few years were actually relatively easy - aside from a brief period in 2020 when my daycare was shut down. Now my son is 5 and it’s gotten a bit more difficult since my son has a lot more opinions about how we should spend our time. To some extent I feel guilty choosing riding over spending time with him, so for the first time in my life I’ve generally o ly been going to the barn one weekend day instead of both. Sometimes I bring my son with me, some days he wants to ride and other days he just gives the horse way too many carrots.

[sami-joe]

This is why, when my younger rider friends talk with me about horses and children, I say, if you want horses, pick horses. Period.

It is the unicorn, a partner who is already picking stalls, can handle all household duties on his own, has demonstrated he knows how to nurture a child, and maybe can tell the difference between an abscess and a bow, who will participate fully with either horses, children, or both.

While there appear to be women on this board who have both children and horses, their very existence here selects for those who have far more support than those who will end up as re-riders after soccer practice and school concerts are over. Mothers who are doing 99 percent of the emotional labor of running a household and mothering are not here with us talking or thinking about horses. They’re just now getting home from work, then parent teacher meetings, doing dishes and laundry before falling into bed.

Unless she really has a unicorn, depending on how many children the OP has, she may not fully get back to her dreamy OTTB for a decade or more. While that’s not the worst thing, it doesn’t really sound like what she wants.