Horses & Motherhood

[Virginia_Horse_Mom]

I have kids and horses and a farm and a wonderful husband.

But… it’s been a work in progress for years, and I had a several year break from horses when my kids were infants and toddlers. I didn’t get back on a horse until my second was 4 years old, and then got back into it with a lot of passion. But it has been challenging.

I didn’t/don’t have a great support system for help with the kids, as we don’t have extended family close by, or who helps with anything really. But I do have a wonderful husband. I have found it easier to keep my horse/horses in partial or full training at various times over the years though, just to keep them going, while family life took priority. You can’t outsource many aspects of parenting, but you definitely can outsource training and exercising a horse.

My kids are teens now and much more self sufficient, and I am much more free to enjoy horses. But… I’m also a stay at home mom, so I have time during the day when kids are at school. If I worked full time and had 2 kids and wanted to ride in the evenings? That would be VERY hard, logistically speaking. There just wouldn’t be enough time or energy in the day for me personally. I’m fortunate as well that my youngest rides too now. It’s nice to do barn time together.

I do know some people who have juggled everything - kids, full time job, and riding competitively. They seem to have more family support which helps in terms of watching kids though, or a nanny, and also have a housekeeper, landscaping service, eat out a lot, etc etc etc. Which is great - good for them. Just make sure when looking at examples of people who are “doing it all” you are realistic about what that means for them, vs what it might mean for you to try and pull off the same thing.

Anyway… realistically, kids change your life. I love mine dearly - they are the best thing that ever happened to me. But being a parent means being present for your kids first… before any other consideration. That’s just my take on it. As others said… be 100% sure that is something you and the DH are prepared for.

[pony_grandma]

A whole other perspective - for me with having 3 kids - horses turned into a family lifestyle because my 2nd and 3rd turned into horse girls. The whole family going to pick hay in the field and pack the barn loft. So my 40’s and 50’s was focused with their rapid learning. We at times had a nice collection of horses, both english and western. I got to spend hours doing extreme rail riding with the 2 of them. We’d pack up lunches and be out on all day rides. the 3 of us traveled for clinics and competing. I had a blast staying one step ahead of them to learn each discipline to be able to teach them and train the horses here at home. I learned so much more teaching them the care and maintenance, the real horsemanship. And we did 4 foals. Raising and starting, learning that whole process.

The horses were here at home and they came to know them in ways you can’t just visiting them. It all turned into the biggest gift that I could ever do - giving them the confidences and the joy, the sharing we did of moments that made lifelong bonds.

Sometimes you just take the leaps in life and see where they go!

[alpine1]

@PeachesandCream

Yes, there are sacrifices that have to be made, but when your baby looks up at you with adoring eyes or your little one puts their arms around their neck and tells you how much they love you, there is no feeling like it in the world.

…but be prepared for a child who can’t do that. Moms and dads need to be OK with the fact that they might have a child who does not hug them and say “I love you”, ever. 1 in 36 American kids is autistic, and while there are cuddly autistic individuals, most are not this way. Many will never have purposeful language. If you have four typically-developing kids, you are living a totally different life from a mom with just one child who is autistic. And this is why there’s no way to advise the OP on how much time she’ll have for horses if she has a baby. Anything can happen!

[K_VanOlst]

@sami-joe

Mothers who are doing 99 percent of the emotional labor of running a household and mothering are not here with us talking or thinking about horses. They’re just now getting home from work, then parent teacher meetings, doing dishes and laundry before falling into bed.

I think that’s easy to forget in these threads when people ask about how to balance riding and kids (I’ve seen a number of threads on the topic over the years). You’re only asking people who made it work in some way (that’s why they’re on an equine bulletin board), not those who had to stop entirely. Those folks aren’t here. Personally among my friends who used to ride and then had kids, I’d estimate that 90%+ had to quit horses entirely. Hopefully they’ll get to pick it back up at some point, but who knows.

[AllTheCarrots]

You can have it all. You just can’t have it all at once. Make your peace with the idea that things will shift from year to year, and even day to day. (And minute to minute when kids are under 2.)

I sometimes think horse people make excellent parents because we have considerable experience with what the universe likes to do with our carefully calibrated plans, and the mental flexibility to shift to Plan B-ZZ+ when Plan A needs to be scrapped. Plus we are not afraid of all the fascinating substances a body can produce.

That being said, I think you should have a child because you want one, not because someone else thinks you should want one. They are rather like Shetland ponies, in that they leave a trail of destruction in their wake, and that sometimes their irresistible cuteness is the only reason we do not sell them to the circus.

Edited because I can’t spell worth a damn today.

[Virginia_Horse_Mom]

I don’t know. I’m here. I quit while the kids were little. And then returned to riding a few years later, and now have time to post on COTH, ride, and still do most of the emotional support aspects of family life in my household, etc, as DH travels a ton.

But it’s much more manageable now that my kids are older. And… they are healthy teens without challenges. My family is very fortunate. When they were tiny though, both the kids and I had serious health issues, and it was all I could do to get all the humans in my household through each day.

Each situation is super individual, for many many reasons. And situations change over time. What is impossible for some people in one phase of family life might be easily manageable in a different phase for any number of reasons.

[TheHotSensitiveType]

Here is my perspective:

I only have one (no idea how people with multiple kids do it!) and yes it greatly affected a lot of things for me.

Working fulltime and being responsible for so many things at home, adding a child was a lot especially since we had no help. I did not ride after the first trimester as the baby is well protected per my doctor. The risk wasn’t worth it to me. Where I was able to haul out and lesson occasionally, another student lost her pregnancy at the beginning of the 2nd trimester after coming off of a nasty spook. It isn’t the riding, it is the falling…

I was in my early 30s, and my body has never been the same. Not being one of those people that bounced back to the way they were before a baby really, really sucks. I was talking with a friend whose friend is 40 and pregnant, and she is having a really rough time physically. No thank you as I had a bad enough time at my age!

Now to the actual horse part! I was able to ride my horse 3x a week most weeks however so many tears from the little one whenever Mom went to the barn (I wasn’t there that long!!!) which ruined the mood even though I still went, fights with spouse over time at barn, and still resentful if you hadn’t guessed since I was the one working and having to manage most of the household and do dinner and evening/night baby care…

I am not competitive. I had to be happy with improvements over time and as kiddo got older was able to take advantage of extra riding opportunities that came my way which were always green horses. My skills have vastly improved with the extra opportunities!

[K_VanOlst]

@Virginia_Horse_Mom

I don’t know. I’m here. I quit while the kids were little. And then returned to riding a few years later, and now have time to post on COTH, ride, and still do most of the emotional support aspects of family life in my household, etc, as DH travels a ton.

You sound like superwoman

But the reality is not everyone can make it work. My only point was that the answers OP is going to get here are going to naturally skew towards people who made it work.

And like others have mentioned, “my spouse wants to have kids” and “we would make great parents” are very different than “I want to have kids”, full stop.

[Virginia_Horse_Mom]

@K_VanOlst

You sound like superwoman

But the reality is not everyone can make it work. My only point was that the answers OP is going to get here are going to naturally skew towards people who made it work.

Oh - I couldn’t and didn’t do it all. My career is long gone. And I feed my children lots of McDonald’s when necessary. They like it, and drive throughs are so convenient.

@K_VanOlst

And like others have mentioned, “my spouse wants to have kids” and “we would make great parents” are very different than “I want to have kids”, full stop.

Agreed. It’s all so individual though. I don’t know. I do know that once the baby is here… the baby needs their mother. Every second of every day in the early years. It’s grueling. I had mine when I was 29 and 32. And I was more physically exhausted during those first few years than at any time before or since in my life.

[EventingMaff]

I’m still figuring this Motherhood + Horses thing out…it’s a work in progress, but we are making progress.

I have 2 kiddos - preschool & infant. I have a 9 year old mare I bought as a 3 yr old. I have the following privileges and supports to make balancing these two very demanding elements of my life some-what possible:

• “Easy” temperament kiddos
• Very responsible and hands-on husband that needs ZERO guidance from me on childcare or running the house
• Full board barn ~5 minutes from my house with a barn manager I trust fully
• Financial freedom to afford full-time childcare, house cleaner, and supplementary childcare like teenage babysitters to watch kiddo at the barn while I ride
• Considerable amount of energy and I did physically “bounce back” after each kiddo
• Generally I have a partial leaser and shoot to ride ~3 days a week

It’s still hard. I sent my mare out on lease when I did IVF for my second child and she’s only just coming back to me now (1.5+ years later). It was the right choice for me as riding during pregnancy destroyed my body the first time round and I learned my lesson for the second.

My husband takes on more of the house-running load (groceries, cooking, laundry) and tends to be the one to accommodate kiddo sickness and early pick-ups. My job is demanding and less flexible, so what little flex I have I keep for horses. He’s the major breadwinner but also works fewer hours (tech life…it’s the dream).

I’m exploring dropping down to 60-80% in my job, something I’m fortunate to have as an option. But there just aren’t enough hours in the day. I’m always tired, but you get used to it.

As a PP said - motherhood is the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done, and my kiddos bring me joy more than any horse, dog, man, or material item has in my life. But they also sap every ounce of energy I have and push me to my limits on a frequent basis. I am a better person because of them, but it has come at the cost of feeling like I’m pulled in every direction all the time and nobody ever gets “enough” of me (my employer, my kids, my dog, my horse, my husband, my family, my friends…)

ETA: Knowing everything that I know now - including the fatigue, the sacrifice, the stepping away from my horse for nearly 2 years…I would RUN toward motherhood again. Everything I describe above, I am still the happiest I’ve been in my life (and I’ve had a great life) and it’s all because of the love and joy I get from my kids.

[Rackonteur]

@alishaarrr

we’d be awesome parents

Why do you say this?

[GoodTimes]

You really need to be prepared to accept the absolute worst case scenario whatever that may be. YOU need to want kids above all else. Being ready and actually wanting you’re own children are completely different.

A couple in their late 30’s that we know wanted kids, went through IVF to get two little girls. She’s a nurse, he was a contractor. No grandparents in the picture, though her sister is available to help sometimes. Last fall, days before the oldest child was supposed to start kindergarten the father went to Nashville for a bachelor party. By all accounts it was pretty tame, no drugs, minimal drinking. Unfortunately he had a massive heart attack through the night and never woke up. She is now a single mom in her early forties with two young kids and very little support.

I work with cardiac patients. I see a lot of families with adult children who will never be able to live on their own. Cardiac issues are common with many chromosomal abnormalities such as Down Syndrome. Tough listening to the struggle of the families. Add in that many had to go through multiple surgeries as kids. I’m sure you already know that you’re at higher risk.

To answer your question. I don’t have kids by choice. Maybe it’s selfish but I’m not willing to make those sacrifices. We don’t have family close by, we both work full time, we both have time consuming hobbies.
Several posters have said that it’ll be easier once the kids are a little older. That really depends on your kids. If your kids want to do multiple extra curriculars can you accommodate that? Are you willing to tell little Susie that she can’t play rep soccer because you want to go to the barn? I’m not saying either is right or wrong, just something to consider.

Of my barn friends who have kids and still ride, one works part time and one lives with her in-laws. The others sold their horses and got out of it completely.

[risuenaVT]

I’m not a parent, so can’t really weigh in on that. But I can say that my barn friends who are mothers and get out to the barn the most are the ones who live close to the barn and have jobs with flexible schedules. I think they also for the most part have good support networks. All of which make it a lot easier have it all.

But for the most part, we’re all fairly casual riders who go to the occasional local schooling show. They’re also all re-riders or started riding as adults, so weren’t trying to juggle riding with pregnancy or newborns.

[FjordBCRF]

My friends with kids seem to fall off the radar when the babies are born/first few years, then it seems to level a bit until the kids get a little older and are doing multiple activities a week and establishing their friends groups. It seems like there’s a good chunk of years where my mom friends are playing chauffeur like its a part time job until the kids can drive. When I hosted my exchange student, the amount of running her around did not suit my lifestyle in any capacity LOL. With that said, money and family/network can help mitigate disruption on this end.

In my real life world, out of all the horse women doing horses in their adulthood I know, it’s the very small minority of them that have any kids.

I do think its a different consideration process when your’e having a kid in your 20’s (though that seems to be on the out) vs in your 40’s. In your 20’s, if you’re lucky, you’re kid will be off figuring out their own lives to some degree by the time you’re in your 40’s, vs in your 60’s. It’s generally a lot easier to bounce back to something physical when you’re younger if you aren’t able to keep up with it.

[Bogie]

@AllTheCarrots

You can have it all. You just can’t have it all at once. Make your peace with the idea that things will shift from year to year, and even day to day. (And minute to minute when kids are under 2.)

Absolutely! I had my kids at 34 and 38. My OBGYN told me that if I wanted another child to do it immediately as I was entering the high risk phase of being pregnant.

I am so glad I had children. They have added so my joy to my life! It is more difficult to juggle everything, but in my case, absolutely worth it.

I rode during both pregnancies. For the first one, I had a very steady Eddy type of horse and I rode until about 2 weeks before my son was born. Rode is a very generous description because at that point I was mostly only walking and since I had to pee every 30 minutes, no ride was long. To keep safer, I rode only in the arena. I also stopped jumping after my first trimester and, after my trainer’s horse fell while I was riding him (I was about 10 weeks pregnant), I rode only my own horse. I had no complications from the fall and the DR explained that during the early stages, the embryo is well protected. I had a vaginal birth and felt well enough to ride again about 6-7 weeks later.

With my daughter, I had a less reliable horse, and stopped riding at 5 months. At that point I also felt like my balance had changed and I was uncomfortable with the risk. While I enjoyed riding, I think the second time around I was generally more cautious (I had two miscarriages in between) and had come to the conclusion that a few months off the horse was worth it. If I’d wanted a third child, I think I might have stopped riding after my first trimester. She was a c-section and I started riding after a month, although only gently.

During both pregnancies I did a lot of in-hand and long-lining to keep my horses going. While pregnant with my daughter, I paid a young pro to keep my horse tuned up.

In terms of mother-work-horse balance, I started my own business before my son was born so I had a lot of flexibility in terms of my hours. I also had a full-time nanny until the kids went to nursery school. It would not have been possible without that support as I had no nearby family. Showing was even more complicated. I had a young woman who would come with me as groom and babysitter, but it required a lot of planning.

My kids are grown now but there were many years where it felt like a struggle. I traded eventing for foxhunting as it was something I could do in a shorter time period and without as much prep and it was less expensive. Plus my horse loved it.

For a couple of years I half-leased my horse, which helped keep him going when I had less time. As others have said, you need to be a lot more flexible in your goals and expectations and your priorities will likely shift from year to year.

[K_VanOlst]

@Virginia_Horse_Mom

I do know that once the baby is here… the baby needs their mother. Every second of every day in the early years. It’s grueling.

This is why I’d be much more inclined to have kids if I were a man

All joking aside, you sound like a wonderful mother. Your kids are lucky

[Showbizz]

Between the ages of 30 and 35, I had 3 kids.

I’m a trainer, and I rode most of my pregnancies. For the first two, I worked onsite, so I had to figure out schedules and then juggle riding with childcare. That was ideal. For the 3rd, I downsized quite a bit, trained in the evenings when DH was home and gave lessons on the weekends.

My oldest is about to graduate from high school. All 3 kids ride and show (along with other hobbies) and in the 2023 show season did 18 shows. I train and teach lessons full time. Sometimes I wish I’d have scaled back a bit more to spend more time at home, but it’s been a good life and they are good kids having been raised in the horse world.

Having kids changed me as a person. I feel I’m a better trainer and teacher for it.

[ASBJumper]

As a 43-yr old AA owner who is also a mother to one daughter (she’s 9.5 yrs old), I will give you the words of wisdom/caution I wish someone had given me before I got pregnant:

If you are “ambivalent” about having a kid - DO.NOT.HAVE.ONE. Please. I am begging you. Don’t do it.

Parenting is the single hardest thing anyone will ever do. And with this messed up new digital/social media world they’re growing up in, it’s getting harder every year. Exponentially harder.
You assume everything will be fine as long as you do everything right and have all the $$ and support in the world - but that is not what usually happens. Learning disabilities, illness, mental health, peer pressure, bullying, job loss, family struggles, etc etc etc - there are a million things that can swoop in and mess with your ability to raise a healthy, happy kid. It takes everything you have - your entire soul, all of your being, all of your mental faculties, everything affects your kid - EVERYTHING.

You have.to.want.it. You have to be willing to give everything up if needed and put your child first.

And it’s so easy to think “oh well of course my kid will come first, obviously, that’s the way it should be”. But man… i cannot begin to express how easily that leads to frustration, exhaustion and resentment.
… and how quickly that bleeds into how you parent. It’s a blurted out comment here, a roll of the eyes here. Micro-traumas that deeply affect your kid waaaaaay more than you realize.

No, you cannot have it all. And those parents who say you can were either extremely lucky and in the 0.5% minority, or their kids will actually end up with hidden traumas/attachment issues that will only come to light when they’re grown and attempt to establish their own connections and start their own families.

I am lucky in that my horse is a mare, and I always intended for her to be a broodmare so if i have to slack off riding her for a while while my child struggles (and believe you me - she has struggled BIG time since the pandemic, both emotionally and academically), i can simply stop going out to the barn for a while and know she’ll be in good hands - maybe a little bored, but no worse for wear.

I came to the realization with the help of my own therapist that while I love my child with every fibre of my being, i do not love being a mom. It’s exhausting - people SAY that, but it’s impossible to convey just how emotionally, mentally, physically taxing it is. You have to want it, you have to be 10000% sure it’s what you want and wouldn’t have it any other way.

My 2 cents. Good luck with whatever path you choose.

[PeachesandCream]

Actually, my oldest son is autistic. So no, my life as a mom is not completely normal and being his mother has been different from what I could ever have imagined. However, I still feel very blessed to be his mother as well as being a mom to my other kids. I was not trying to tell OP specifically how much time she will have for horses if she has children, I was simply sharing from my experience that children and horses together can be doable.

[steelerino]

My mom told me she loves me to death but if she had to do it again she wouldn’t lol. No insult to me but I wavered about whether or not to have kids and because I wasn’t 100% certain, I didn’t have any. I also never wanted to be a single mom and I lost a boyfriend when I was in my 30’s so don’t say it could never happen to you.