Be an advocate for him while he is in the hospital.
Mukluk, jingles for your husband. That is different. Spouse is always welcome, as are goodies.
[QUOTE=grayarabpony;8100822]
Be an advocate for him while he is in the hospital.[/QUOTE]
This. My DH was there to help track what was going on. He’s not a big talker, but just having him nearby comforted me. If I needed anything - water, tissue, anything - it was right there.
I had a few visitors. I was glad to see them. One told very short stories that made me laugh. The other told longer stories with lots of detail. Much harder to follow.
When I got dumped off my greenie two years ago and broke my leg, I ended up in the hospital for a week (surgery the first night and a second surgery three days later). Physically I felt completely normal except for the fact that I had hardware sticking out of my leg. My dad brought me my cell phone and my laptop, which were a godsend because I was bored stiff (hospital TV doesn’t give you many options of things to watch). I was happy to have visitors, as long as they didn’t mind my stinky, unshowered self, but I was pretty well pain-free and felt fine, I just couldn’t go anywhere. My brother and SIL brought me a book and a coloring book and some crayons, which made me laugh but I did enjoy them. Anything to pass the time was welcome (COTH, facebook and candy crush were a big help to keep me occupied). One of my brothers and my dad were waiting during my second surgery and came up to my room afterward and I would have KILLED for one of them to have brought me decent food and a can of pop - I hadn’t been allowed anything to eat all day because of the surgery and the cafeteria was already closed. I had nasty dry mouth from the anesthetic and all the nurses had to give me was a dry ham sandwich (bread, a slice of ham and a slab of cheese) and water. I went to sleep dreaming of Portillo’s italian beef and a chocolate shake.
Yeah, I’m another one who only wanted to see my spouse, with a few exceptions. After I got flipped on last summer, my trainer did swing by the ER with a close friend to give my husband a break. The ER had me in there for a good 9 hours. My husband has always been worried about my safety, but the reality that you can REALLY get hurt didn’t quite sink in until that day. It was nice because he was content to chill, or explain the accident to the various nurses/doctors so I wouldn’t have to keep going over and over it. I needed to hear the horse was ok, my husband needed time to go pee and get food, and my trainer/friend needed to see that I was ok (I’m the first one he’s had to call an ambulance for). I purposefully didn’t let anyone else know because I didn’t want a long list of people coming in the ER to visit. I was tired, I hurt, I had arena sand in my underwear/bra… I do appreciate that my trainer asked before swinging by, and that my husband was very willing to advocate for me when I got overwhelmed by everything.
Other hospitalizations? I loathed having people other than my spouse around. This incident was the ONE where I was ok with other people.
The visiter my husband would most like to see is his trusty dog Jake- a saint of a labrador. But I am pretty sure dogs aren’t allowed in the hospital. Only thing I can think of is if someone can wheel him outside and then Jake can say “Hi.” I know that would put a great big smile on his face.
[QUOTE=IFG;8100834]
Mukluk, jingles for your husband. That is different. Spouse is always welcome, as are goodies.[/QUOTE]
Thanks. It’s an L5-S1 fusion. Getting it done at UCSF by an excellent surgeon so that makes us feel good about it.
Visitors generally - If you are the not-immediate-family visitor (regardless if you are family or friend), and see the patient and/or immediate family is disengaging even a tiny bit, cheerfully say goodby & leave. Remember they are making an effort, so a minor disconnect probably indicates a major need to be alone.
And even better: get the other visitors to leave with you! “I think it’s time to let Joe rest, so we’ll ALL say good-by now!” 
Then pretend you are a border collie gently maneuvering even those trying to linger out of the room. Use position and body language. 
THAT is a blessing for the patient and immediate family! 
[QUOTE=Mukluk;8101072]
The visiter my husband would most like to see is his trusty dog Jake- a saint of a labrador. But I am pretty sure dogs aren’t allowed in the hospital. Only thing I can think of is if someone can wheel him outside and then Jake can say “Hi.” I know that would put a great big smile on his face.[/QUOTE]
Actually, ASK. I was totally surprised but a couple of places my mom has been allowed family dogs to visit as long as they were clean, fully vaccinated, well behaved, and you understood that if you were asked to leave with said pooch, you left promptly.
You can frame it as wondering if it’s possible to pop your husband outside for a visit and see what they say - that is how we found out the first time. (My mom was in for a while and really missed the dogs so my dad and I went by with the dogs in the car to see if she could come out the front for a quick hello, and the nurse he asked was all “oh, you can bring them in for a short visit!”)
Apparently where it is allowed the nurses quite like it when well behaved dogs visit. It doesn’t just perk up the patient who owns the dog, the medical staff and other patients often enjoy it also. (We took the dogs right to my mom’s room, but of course other patients may be in the hallway or have their doors open and see the dogs.) Or so claimed one of the nurses, anyway.
But yeah, ask once he is settled in on whichever ward he will be in. As long as you are polite about it, they aren’t likely to be upset even if they can’t organize anything and the dog isn’t allowed on the ward. (Neither of the places where it was allowed advertised that it was okay - but they had proper official forms to be filled in about the dogs having had their vaccinations and everything, so it was clearly not a single nurse making an exception. There was Policy, y’know? And there is plenty of research on how pets are good for us, so it isn’t really a completely off the wall idea that pet visits would help people recover if managed well.)
If you are a significant other…
then the rules change. Healthcare is very fragmented. The bedside nurse tends to know whats going on but each specialty (surgery, internist, respiratory, pulmonary, PT/OT, etc.) has their own viewpoint. A practitioner may prescribe a medication or therapy that is contraindicated to other therapies that are in place. The family members really have to be on top on everything that is going on.
[QUOTE=bingbingbing;8099034]
Send a card or maybe flowers. I’ve been in the hospital a few times and was happy not to have visitors but family.[/QUOTE]
Pass this one on to friends & coworkers. I wasn’t in the hospital, but stuck at home for weeks after surgery. I got 1 stinking card; that kind of sucked. The downside to working with mostly all guys.
Ask if they’re allowed to have food and if they are, do they want something. My father’s doctors actually had a low opinion of the food in the cardiology ward, and when I was in with anaemia being transfused a fresh salad was the nicest thing anyone brought. Hospital food is awful.
Books if he’s up to reading. The worst was my first night I was admitted and had nothing with me, but couldn’t sleep more than forty-five minutes at a stretch because they had to come in and check the transfusion. It was late so I could have a small light but I couldn’t have the television on and I was bored senseless. The very nice NA found me some magazines in a waiting area. A hospital room is a staggeringly boring place and no matter how tired you are you can only sleep so much.
Huh. I’m a very introverted person, and even I liked having people visit in the hospital if I was there more than a day or two. People from the barn visited me when I broke my femur in a riding accident, and it was quite nice. I was in the hospital 2 weeks. Friends, professors, etc. visited when I had a spontaneous pneumothorax (collapsed lung) and surgery to fix it. I was in the hospital 10 days.
I wouldn’t have wanted people to hang around all day, but it was nice to have visitors to break up the boredom.
[QUOTE=deacon’s mom;8101264]
then the rules change. Healthcare is very fragmented. The bedside nurse tends to know whats going on but each specialty (surgery, internist, respiratory, pulmonary, PT/OT, etc.) has their own viewpoint. A practitioner may prescribe a medication or therapy that is contraindicated to other therapies that are in place. The family members really have to be on top on everything that is going on.[/QUOTE]
Very, very true.
What a great thread! Mr. mbd had emergency surgery last year and was in hospital a few days. They let me stay in the room with him which saved both his sanity and the health of the hospital staff … let’s just say he’s not a good patient.
Friends and family texted me to see if we wanted company – um, no. He was miserable, hurting and I wasn’t getting any sleep either. Our sons were way far away and although I kept them posted regularly, there was no reason for them to come and Mr. mbd wasn’t feeling sociable when he was awake.
I was grateful for the folks who took care of the homestead while I was taking care of him and those who understood what we needed was to know those things were taken care of. When we got home and all was on the mend, a big bbq was held so everyone could get together and catch up.
I was in hospital a year ago for scheduled surgery and wanted no visitors but Mr. mbd. I had fore-warned all my friends and family so no surprises. Let me be and let me heal; I’ll contact you when I’m ready.
YMMV.
[QUOTE=deacon’s mom;8101264]
then the rules change. Healthcare is very fragmented. The bedside nurse tends to know whats going on but each specialty (surgery, internist, respiratory, pulmonary, PT/OT, etc.) has their own viewpoint. A practitioner may prescribe a medication or therapy that is contraindicated to other therapies that are in place. The family members really have to be on top on everything that is going on.[/QUOTE]
Quoting for accuracy. If this isn’t your thing, then a trusted friend also works if they are willing to take on the job. But when you’re in the hospital yourself you may not be sleeping well or otherwise not 100% and it makes it quite difficult to keep on top of things. With my mom, either my dad does this, or since I have some issues with hospitals, if I’m not up to it then one of my best friends who has some medical background has offered to step in if my dad can’t be available for some reason.
Just a visitor but have had lots of friends in hospital.
Take flowers.
Take money since you can buy things in the gift shop if the patient wants them.
Take more money as the muffin shop and the cafeteria and the drink and candy machines will be necessary to buy things for patient to eat.
Be cheerful. Don’t tell patient anything negative about anything.
Take magazines and newspapers. Yes the patient will have computer and TV and cell, but sometimes reading is what the patient wants to do.
Take books in subjects that patient likes.
Be aware of what the patient wants. Some want short visits, and some are lonely and want long visits. Do whichever the patient wants.
I liked having my friend just be there in the room with me. She took me in for my surgery since I had no family local and she stayed with me and read a book until they decided not to release me that day. Then she went home and came back the next day and I was released. It was nice to have just one quiet person there with me. I felt safer.
With longer stays I think relieving the caregivers is important but always ask first. I think it also depends on how the patient feels. Good luck on Wednesday.
As far as people bringing their whole families including kids that is very common in some cultures more than others. Most hospitals limit the numbers as much as they can.
[QUOTE=Mukluk;8101074]
Thanks. It’s an L5-S1 fusion. Getting it done at UCSF by an excellent surgeon so that makes us feel good about it.[/QUOTE]
He’ll do great. I wouldn’t think he’ll be in there for long.
Having been in the hospital more times than I would like and for more days than I would like, my suggestions are (1) - don’t go the first day (especially if surgery is involved); (2) just be up front and call and ask either the patient or their family members if they are up for visitors; and (3) take cues from the patient as to how much they are up for. If they are getting tired, time to go, if they are up and chatting, stay. Just be mindful of how they are feeling! And yes, cards and flowers are always a very welcome surprise and make the patient feel happy and loved during a pretty miserable time.
