So for those of you who have been in the hospital for multiple days for surgery & post surgery can you offer advice on how to be a good visiter- anything you want your visiter to bring? Thanks in advance.
I’ve been in the hospital multiple times: surgery (lung biopsy), dehydration, anemia & nutropedia from chemo. I didn’t want visitors. I was sick and miserable and just wanted to sleep or read my book to escape. You are already constantly woke up/interrupted for vitals from the nurses. People came by anyway, even when I asked them not to. The good visitors stopped in for a few minutes just to say hello, offer support and leave a magazine. The annoying ones (love them in spite) stayed for hours, chit chatting while I tried to keep my eyes open and they made me more tired. I finally had to ask them to leave. So it is a very personal thing, some people never want to be left alone, then there are people like me. Just ask them what they want/need and do what you can.
I was just in the hospital for a broken leg/surgical repair. I was pretty gross, unwashed, and miserable. I really didn’t want to see anyone but my family. That said, a visit from a really close friend might have been fun. Unfortunately, they all live far away. Bringing some decent food might be fun, but ask what they want. It is really nice you want to visit, but take cues from your friend as to how long to stay, etc.
If someone is with them bring that person a Coke or coffee and then tell them to take a walk. Just five minutes out of the room can save the caretakers sanity.
hospital visitors
Please don’t visit. Few hospitalized people look good nor do they feel well yet they end up entertaining well-wishers to the point of exhaustion. If you are truly a very close friend or family member who can offer relief to someone literally sitting day in and day out at the bedside, that’s great but otherwise, please stay away. Visitors tend to cause patients great angst. Plan a visit when they are feeling better and are at home.
I was in shock trauma for 4 days after a jumping crash last year, and then in rehab for two weeks. I do not remember the shock trauma time (I was not in a coma, just amnesia) Several barnmates decided to visit me in the hospital literally the SAME night I was brought in. My husband had to deal with all the tests and doctors AND a group of barn people. I don’t remember it. The barn folks have actually told me things I was saying and doing which I don’t remember, and find very disturbing. Hearing things like that tend to make the patient worry. They should have been calling or texting my husband, but being at the hospital wasnt needed. Or, stay in the emergency room and wait for my husband to come out. Dont ask to see me. My coach rode in the ambulance with me and then returned to care for my horse. that was the right thing for her to do.
Now, once I was in rehab, I got more barn mate visitors. THOSE were the best visits because at that point we knew that I would be ok and seeing them was lovely. They shared how my horse was and told me a few funny barn stories and left. NOTHING TOO HEAVY. Keep the conversation light and warm and don’t stay too long, as we in rehab tend to sleep a lot.
I guess that’s my advice.
Oh, and about what to bring. I recommend not bring anything to eat, as the medications people are on often have strict diets that rehab is already providing. The best thing anyone brought me was an IPhone shot of my gelding grazing in the field that morning. 
I had a friend in the hospital for a few weeks and I wished I hadn’t visited in the beginning. Like the posters above she felt like crap and was exhausted. We only stayed a few minutes and left. Later on the visit was great. She was feeling better and we could go with her outside to the garden and chat. By that point she was bored and it was nice to spend time with her. I brought some books and magazines for her to read.
I had a friend in the hospital for a few weeks and I wished I hadn’t visited in the beginning. Like the posters above she felt like crap and was exhausted. We only stayed a few minutes and left. Later on the visit was great. She was feeling better and we could go with her outside to the garden and chat. By that point she was bored and it was nice to spend time with her. I brought some books and magazines for her to read.
I am glad I am not the only one who just wanted to be left alone! I think that is the old days, people were in the hospital way longer, and were often happy to have visitors. In the days of sicker and quicker discharge, you have to be really sick to stay in the hospital, so you are less likely to be in the mood to see people–as lovely as it is for them to want to visit you.
Send a card or maybe flowers. I’ve been in the hospital a few times and was happy not to have visitors but family.
Don’t visit unless you know you are welcome company. Call first and ask if the person is up for visitors or if they need anything. There is nothing worse than a visitor who overstays esp when you are really really ill.
Why is it that people think that you want visitors while in the hospital…even the spouse who needs to be there is tired dirty and probably miserable. Tho the spouse may need comforting if the person has had severe trauma…
Ask how I know…my FIL was in and out of the hospital in his last years. family visits where miserable on him and my MIL…Their children who lived local would stop and see for a cpl minutes and see if the in laws needed anything…my out of town SIL would come and hang out while Pops was “incarcerated” but not visit when he was home. Which was when the in laws really wanted to see her.
Play it by ear…see how long the person in in, if its a lengthy stay it might be OK. Keep aware of the whole situation and use your head…
I would definitely send a card! People love to know that you care, but they may not be up for hosting you. If you do visit, bring something you know will make them smile & plan to stay for five minutes so they don’t feel “obligated” to entertain you.
I’m really glad I read this. Much interesting information
I’m really glad I read this. Much interesting information.
This absolutely. When I was in the hospital, I was in ICU for almost 2 weeks and then in rehab for 3 months. For a good portion of this time, I was virtually laid out, couldn’t raise the bed up more than 30 degrees, and had a stiff neck brace so unless someone was standing essentially at the end of my bed, I couldn’t see them. In the first couple days, I had a couple visitors, which was nice, because at that point I didn’t know how serious my condition was going to end up being. It was nice to see some barn friends, and they stayed less than an hour and came all at once, so I didn’t feel like I necessarily had to carry the conversation.
When I was in rehab, I was tired all the time, and on pain meds, and the only person I really wanted to visit for an extended period of time was my boyfriend. Some other friends came by, but I tried my best to politely discourage it, because I was unhappy, stir crazy, dirty, and generally coming to terms with what was going on. The worst was when friends of my parents, who I didn’t even know, would insist on coming by, when my parents weren’t there! I’m not a terribly social person to begin with, so this was very uncomfortable for me.
So, please make sure you are a welcome visitor. If they don’t sound like they really want you to come, don’t push it. There were plenty of times that I told people I was tired or not feeling well, or I had to see what my schedule was like, trying to deter them from coming.
Okay, I’m going to disagree a little - some people DO want visitors. But for sure call first and ask, and be very clear you will not be offended if they say no. (They may well need visitors once they’re back home, too, since they’ll get booted out of the hospital long before they’re fully healed.)
If you are welcome, take something quiet to do. (A book, knitting, a magazine, etc.) This serves two purposes - first, often in the hospital a patient will be whisked away for a test or scan with no warning, so if the person you are going to visit isn’t there, or is taken away right away, you’ll have something to do while you wait. (They can usually tell you a ballpark of how long the person will be away from the room - minutes or hours.)
Second, sometimes people don’t want to be ‘on’ and feel like they have to be entertaining or engage in conversation, but still like having company just THERE. If you have something you can do, then there is less pressure for the patient to keep you occupied. (My mom is like this - she feels much more secure and better able to rest if there is someone else with her, but quite often she is just as happy to quietly watch TV together or do her thing while you do yours as to actually sit and talk.)
As far as taking things - that’s another time when you should just ask. As mentioned, people can be on restricted diets and so on, so if you take something in they may not be able to eat it. However, there may be something specific they’d like that IS allowed, but that they can’t get at the hospital because they like a certain brand or flavor, etc.
The one thing I do try to take when I visit someone in the hospital is a card or a note. It doesn’t have to be fancy, but my mother (who is in and out of the hospital a lot due to cancer) likes to put them up on the wall (there’s usually a suitable pin board of some type, or an area you can tape things to safely) because that way when she’s feeling down and lonely in the middle of the night, she can look and see all the people who have visited or otherwise let her know they’re thinking of her.
(She also quite likes phone calls sometimes, so if the patient doesn’t want a visit in person, you can offer to chat on the phone sometime instead. That lets the patient get some enjoyable socialization without worrying that they look awful. )
Essentially - it depends, I think. Your best bet is to call and make the offer and see what the patient wants you to do. Just be sure to be clear if you’re willing to do something other than visiting if that is what they would prefer.
ETA: And for sure, try not to overstay your welcome. I usually flat out say “just let me know when you’d like me to leave, I know hospitals can be tiring” but also keep an eye on the time. (Also, don’t forget that many people will find it awkward to kick you out of the room so they can use the facilities, but will also feel horribly uncomfortable having to use a bedpan in front of you, or try to get out of bed without flashing you because of hospital gown construction. So even if the visit is going swimmingly and the patient is obviously enjoying having you there, it can be helpful to give a polite ‘out’ partway through the visit - perhaps go and get a drink or similar - so the patient can use that time to do what they need to do.)
I work in a hospital and when I was an admitting clerk we had a question on our forms about whether the patient wanted visitors or phone calls. If the patient said no, then we enforced that. Tell your nurses - they can’t screen all the time because they have other patients, but they are a great resource here and don’t mind being the meanie that tells the intrusive ones go away.
If you must visit, keep it brief. If you bring a magazine, something with lots of pictures is nice - nobody wants to strain their brain when they feel ill. A cute scarf or funny hat to cover dirty hair is nice. Those face wipes in boxes are good, too. I wanted my kitties when I was hospitalized but I settled for my teddy bear. Nice pjs that are easy to get in and out of might be good. Or an extra blanket. No plants or food, please. The card for the bulletin board is a great one.
Oh and please dear god don’t bring your kids. Unless, of course, patient specifically asks to see them.
If you are told not to visit, don’t visit. Respect that even if it’s really hard for you or you don’t understand why.
Be quiet when you visit.
When my dad was in the hospital he ended up in telemetry for a while. He had pneumonia, blood clots, a brain bleed, had just had brain surgery and was completely out of his gourd from the surgery and drugs.
While he had a private room, it was like a $*()#$#KLS PARTY in that wing. For some stupid reason 2 patients’ whole families (individually) thought it was acceptable to bring 15+ people (including very young children) and just hang out.
They were loud. Really loud. They were perfectly nice, but had NO concept of how loud and invasive they were. They couldn’t all fit in the rooms so they’d hang out in the hallway like it was Sunday after church. They’d be told to keep it down, and they’d try to oblige, but they had 1) no concept and 2) that many people, even whispering, are loud. And that many little kids under the age of 8?
This is something we encountered in everything but neuro ICU: people who just have no idea how LOUD they are.
Thanks all. I should clarify- it is Mr. Mukluk who is undergoing surgery. I think I will be the only visiter and I am well aware that he will be in a groggy stupor. Surgery is Wednesday. Will stay at hospital during surgery and then possibly stop by very briefly after he is conscious. I will consult with the medical staff re his schedule. I am planning to make a photo of his dog and horse so they can keep him company bedside.
