How to forgive myself

[friedmas]

This is going to be a harder post to write, and I kindly ask from the beginning that I do not get torn apart, I’ve done enough of that myself.

So to preface, about 5 months ago my green horse started having loading issues. One day I decided I was going to go out and really sit down and work through them, but in my head I meant “get him on the trailer.” I tried being patient for about an hour and once he almost hurt both me and my mom (who was standing by Incase I needed help) I lost it a little. I yanked him around with a chain and I smacked his chest. I backed him up extremely harshly and yelled and tried to drive him into the ground because for some reason I was dead set on getting him in that trailer. I didn’t.

All that came from that day was a sweaty and nervous horse who was no where closer to getting on the trailer

This post isn’t about trailering at all. It’s about forgiving myself. To this day I still whole heartedly regret my actions and I cry when I think about it. I reacted completely out of anger and fear which I know was horribly wrong.

I’ve learned from my mistakes and we no longer have loading issues as I have slowly worked through them with patience and an open heart.

My horse has forgiven me, and I don’t think he was ever truly upset about my behavior. He never showed any signs of discomfort when I’m around, even later that day.

How do I forgive myself and stop living in this cloud of guilt? Logically I know that I need to move on seeing my sweet boy loves me the same.

Thank you

[atr]

I suspect that everyone reading this, if they are honest, has lost their temper or done something they regret at some point in their horse career.

The learning experience is to understand what you did and why and not repeat it.

Horses are pretty forgiving, and frankly can also be deeply infuriating. He’s not traumatized for life and you have the sensitivity and inteligence to have learned from the experience. So move in with that knowledge and a greater understanding of when you are out of your depth and need to back off from a situation.

Horses teach us patience.

[Equisis]

Anger and mistakes are human. You were frustrated, and perhaps fearful for your safety, and you lost your temper. Not good- but it sounds like you know that, and horses are forgiving creatures. Dwelling on the past and beating yourself up won’t change what happened, and doesn’t do you or your horse any favors.

My advice would be to think about what happened before you lost your temper, so you can identify that feeling in the future. Sometimes the best thing to do when you feel yourself getting impatient or frustrated is to take a step back, evaluate whether you should continue or whether it’s best to take a break and regroup. If you’re having a tough day or you’re already stressed, pick something simple and easy to do. I think the confidence that you won’t lose your temper in the future will help you let go of your guilt.

Whenever I feel myself start to get frustrated, I remind myself to be on my horse’s side. For some reason, framing it like that helps me avoid getting impatient, and “grounds” me.

[Applecore]

“If you don’t have regrets you didn’t learn a thing”

I tell myself that a lot when I get mad at myself for things I did in the past. It’s a way of reframing the experience. It sounds like, while the horse may not have learned to go on the trailer that day, you learned some important horse handling and training lessons that will benefit you for years to come. Focus on what you will do differently in the future, and remember that we all need to make mistakes to learn!

[Chall]

I once apologized, verbally to my cat for 15 minutes. For real.
I kept on explaining to her what happened (IIRC, I stepped on her in the dark)
and why (I can’t see in the dark)
and that I was sorry.
She kept glaring at me and I kept on apologizing until she finally stopped staring at me in anger.
So, why not apologize to your horse?
At the least, you’ll have addressed it so you will feel better.

[S1969]

Everyone loses their temper. With horses, at work, with the kids, with stupid things. It’s normal.

Usually we can see in retrospect where we went wrong (trying for a shortcut, trying to hurry, trying to make a point). In your case it is clear you worked too long with the horse. Some days you have to know when to call it quits and start fresh.

I think if you did an anonymous poll you would find huge numbers of people that have smacked their horses or lost their temper. I have been known to throw snowballs at one of mine and tell her I hate her. (More than once.)

[KBC]

@Applecore

“If you don’t have regrets you didn’t learn a thing”

I tell myself that a lot when I get mad at myself for things I did in the past. It’s a way of reframing the experience. It sounds like, while the horse may not have learned to go on the trailer that day, you learned some important horse handling and training lessons that will benefit you for years to come. Focus on what you will do differently in the future, and remember that we all need to make mistakes to learn!

Read the first line here, again and again, and let it sink in.

Now realize that while confessions, like this are good for the soul, and Many of us have experienced similar things, and we know that the only way to truly apologize is to learn, and promise o to do better next time.

[carman_liz]

Im in a crappy mood so ill echo everyone here but also add in “sh!t happens”. We have bad days so do horses. We know they didnt mean it, and they move on, perform better, don’t kick or bit or refuse thw jump and look at you on the other side of the pole going why are you on the ground mom??? And we forgive them and move on, your horse has already forgiven you it sounds like, so it is time to forgive yourself hun.

Ok…Also bc I am a mom, I will add, learning from your mistakes is part of life and the fact that you have learned from it makes you a better person and I think we all will say we are proud of you for realizing your mistake, internally understanding it was a wrong reaction, and learning from it and growing as a horse person. ♡♡

[endlessclimb]

If he was behaving in a way that was going to injure you, your mom, or both, giving a yank on a chain and smacking him in the chest, and abruptly getting him out of your space is nothing. Depending on the situation, it may have been warranted. (my opinion - I have zero tolerance for ground behavior issues, even in high stress situations such as trailer loading - they’re not lap dogs)

I think your guilt is from taking the training session too long or pushing him too fast, and losing sight of what the actual goal was - relaxed trailer loading.

It’s normal when you’re learning and he’s learning. We’ve all tried to take too big of a bite of the pie and ended up in a bad spot - be it trying to get deeper lateral work too soon, a crisper transition on a horse who isn’t muscled for it, etc. Everyone is guilty of it at some point - of not quitting at “pretty good” and setting the bar too high for themselves or the animal.

Take a deep breath. Give him a hug and a cookie, and promise him you’ll do everything you can to ensure it doesn’t happen again. Take “pretty good” and quit for the day. There’s other hills to die on.

Also, don’t be scared to abruptly correct issues, particularly if it’s safety related. I’d rather deliver discipline cold and calculated for .5 of a second, than nag for ever and ever and ever and ever. It makes the “absolutely NOT, don’t EVER try that again” message very clear, which is what your horse looks to you as a leader for - look at how the top dog in the pasture conducts themselves. Just be sure at the end of the .5 second of discipline, that you return to a clean slate and allow him to make the right choice - no holding grudges or grinding on him.

[anon38350891]

It sounds like you might be bringing some other life issues to this one-time unpleasant interaction with your horse. Horses are innocent and forgiving creatures. They don’t hold complicated grudges. They do have indelible memories. But humans can make horses into complicated psychological problems.

Ask yourself what else is going on with you? Why are you kicking yourself over this thing that happened half a year ago and that your horse has clearly moved beyond? Why do you need forgiveness, and what for? Maybe there’s something, and maybe there’s nothing, but this is about you and your life that is wider than just the horse.

[carman_liz]

@endlessclimb , other hills to die on…lol sorry I found the two ironically connected haha. But she has a point!!! Saying please do not do this… please do this…only works for so long. And safety related issues need a sharp and immediate correction!! I inherited a senior Sunday, hes old, sway backed, and normally crickety and content, but again, ironically since I just posted on this before I went to feed n turnout, he wanted to try to run me thru the door to get outside!!! Did I feel bad about yanking his nose chain, (which he has bc he can be a pushy old man) and doing my best deep voiced " HEY! NO!! BACK!!!" And making him back up a couple feet and stand calmly before being turned out?? Nope, not one bit. Being hurt is where I draw the line. Horses are like sourpatch kids, first they’re sweet, then they’re sour, they need love, affection, and discipline!!!

[Huntin_Pony]

Agreeing with most of the posts above and offering this:

Was it a mistake? Yes.

Was it also a learning opportunity for you? Yes.

I’d say that since you clearly recognize that you did something counter-productive, you can now focus on maximizing the learning you take away. Then you can congratulate yourself instead of beating yourself up further.

There are good suggestions in earlier posts about things to consider about the events and also about safety.

Move on, with humility.

[xQHDQ]

My favorite quote is from Maya Angelou: [h=1]“I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better"[/h] The flip side of this is that you can’t do better than you know how to do. The only thing you should beat yourself over is if you repeat what you did now that you learned not to do that.

(I totally get it… I have 3 major regrets regarding what I did with my horses that when I think about them make me feel very guilty and they happened >20 years ago!)

[WildLittleWren]

I think we all have (if we are completely honest with ourselves), lost our temper or done something we regret with our horses (and in every other facet of our lives…significant others, children, friends). The good news is you learned from it. And you won’t repeat it. Hugs. Your horse has long since forgotten this. While you may not forget it, forgive yourself, so you can move forward and work on it. Don’t beat yourself up too bad.

[Sweetums_Mom]

Been there, done that… Since then, I have consciously made huge efforts at patience in ALL situations.

[Jackie_Cochran]

Even 49 years later I still feel some guilt over what I put my first horse through.

So I thank the Universe (God would do too) for letting me have the most angelic horse ever. Practically every day I do this, thanking the Universe for Hat Tricks.

Horses are forgiving if the abuse does not continue. They have bad days, we have bad days, and in time we come to understand each other and forgive past mistakes, if these past mistakes do not continue.

My proudest accomplishment as a horse-person/rider is that I did not ruin Hat Tricks. He was the most wonderful horse!

[Guilherme]

@friedmas

This is going to be a harder post to write, and I kindly ask from the beginning that I do not get torn apart, I’ve done enough of that myself.

So to preface, about 5 months ago my green horse started having loading issues. One day I decided I was going to go out and really sit down and work through them, but in my head I meant “get him on the trailer.” I tried being patient for about an hour and once he almost hurt both me and my mom (who was standing by Incase I needed help) I lost it a little. I yanked him around with a chain and I smacked his chest. I backed him up extremely harshly and yelled and tried to drive him into the ground because for some reason I was dead set on getting him in that trailer. I didn’t.

All that came from that day was a sweaty and nervous horse who was no where closer to getting on the trailer

This post isn’t about trailering at all. It’s about forgiving myself. To this day I still whole heartedly regret my actions and I cry when I think about it. I reacted completely out of anger and fear which I know was horribly wrong.

I’ve learned from my mistakes and we no longer have loading issues as I have slowly worked through them with patience and an open heart.

My horse has forgiven me, and I don’t think he was ever truly upset about my behavior. He never showed any signs of discomfort when I’m around, even later that day.

How do I forgive myself and stop living in this cloud of guilt? Logically I know that I need to move on seeing my sweet boy loves me the same.

Thank you

This was 5 months ago? Isn’t that an AWFUL lot of “water over the dam?”

You made a mistake. You fixed it. No harm no foul. Don’t do that again.

If you just HAVE to DO something to make “amends” write a nice check to your favorite charity and take any Christmas gift you might receive and donate them to some worthy enterprise. What you DON’T want to do is engage in “self flagellation” over an event that happened five months ago and had no significant, negative consequences.

Life goes on; go with it.

And have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

G.

[PaddockWood]

I was raised around men who became angry when horses didn’t do what they thought they should. Maybe that’s why I used to have a short fuse for many a reason around my horses. Later in life I started feeling guilt after getting angry - that inner feeling knowing it just wasn’t right.

THEN, I saw Frederic Pignon and Magali Delgado - the original team of Cavalia and got their book. The relationship they had with their horses was something I’d never experienced before. The book is Gallop To Freedom and they lay out their golden training rules which of course include NEVER getting angry.

From that moment forward I made a commitment to be the best trainer possible and it took making more mistakes but I’m proud to report it’s been years (oops except one trailer loading moment I do remember smacking my horse hard with the lead rope). Not getting angry has changed my relationship with my horses. They spook less for example.

I used to be HAUNTED and SLEEPLESS after getting mad once I knew better. You feeling such guilt is your evolution to knowing what’s right and maybe that will be your last mistake ever with getting angry.

And, our horses forgive us. They know your inner intentions. Your horse knows how much you care and that you feel remorse.

[moonlitoaksranch]

Forgiveness is also called reconciliation. Repairing what was broken. Reconnecting. The best thing you can give a green horse is your time. Do low stress, fun, things with him. Go for walks (in hand is fine). Build his trust in you and become a team. Not only does he want reconciliation with you, he NEEDS it. Horses are social animals and he desires a leader and a friend. Get back on that horse and ride (figuratively and literally, if he is saddle broke). Oh, and he will pi** you off again. But you get to decide what to do about it. There is nothing wrong with tying him up to something sturdy and walking away to regain composure. Whatever works for you. Have a plan for the next time your temper rises.

For yourself, since you still feel badly, I hope this thread is therapeutic for you. If you are religious, talk to your pastor or priest (or other religious leader). Prayer helps. That’s why a lot of people’s grandmas talked to the ceiling a lot when they were frustrated. Mine used to not only call on God for help, but she requested the help of the entire Holy Family (Jesus, Mary, and Joseph). It worked. My father made it to adulthood.