How to help DH accept loss of first dog

[Demerara_Stables]

Hey COTH - I’m struggling with how to help my DH come to terms with the loss of our (his) first dog. I’ve lost many dogs and a few horses, and I’m sure the first few were really hard, now I accept it as the circle of life. Certainly it’s tragic, especially if sudden, but it comes for all of us. DH thinks (although not too strongly, because we just adopted another dog) that this is so painful that we just shouldn’t have pets at all.

Any tips for how to help him through this? It brings him to tears anytime we talk of Victor and I feel awful for him.

[Foxglove]

If you think DH is open to do so, you might suggest sending $ to the local shelter in the Dog’s name. I have done that for friends who have lost pets. Usually the shelter sends a lovely card thanking the person for the donation in their pet’s name –

When my beloved dog died, my sister suggested a garden in his name --I dug up an old road-side garden (it looked pretty dreadful) and replanted only plants that were “related” to him. His name was “Woody” and he was brindle striped, so all the plants were variegated or had “wood” in the plant name. In the center of the garden was (and still is) a weeping fig with a rock with his name under it. We call it the “Woody Garden.”

In the pasture we have a small fenced area in the center where three horses are buried when they crossed the rainbow bridge. The fenced area protects a willow tree that shades the three --horses will eat small trees, so we made a fence to protect that one. The kids put their toy horses along the fence. I tried planting roses there but no luck --it’s just the pretty willow tree in the middle of a green pasture with six plastic horses on the fence (attached).

[steelerino]

It’s going to take time. The new dog will probably help. I brought a dog into my current relationship that my now husband ADORES. My older dog passed 2 yrs ago and I am happy I had this second dog to soften the blow. I need to get serious about bringing in a new dog now, while the current dog is still young so he can build a bond with it. Hopefully it will help a little. Men are tough when it comes to feelings.

[S1969]

@Demerara_Stables

DH thinks (although not too strongly, because we just adopted another dog) that this is so painful that we just shouldn’t have pets at all.

This sentiment seems so strange to me, but I’ve heard it a lot.

Of course it hurts - because if it didn’t, it would mean we didn’t love them as much. The more we love, the more we grieve. But I wouldn’t trade the many years of love for the pain of grief. Which is significant, but doesn’t last for years.

We lost my favorite old man at 15.5 a month ago. As my kids and I hugged and cried after the vet left (used the at home vet), I said “you know what Dumbledore would say…” and we all laughed. But it’s true. If you’re a HP fan, this is the full quote:

He had learned control at last, learned to shut his mind to Voldemort, the very thing Dumbledore had wanted him to learn from Snape. Just as Voldemort had not been able to possess Harry while Harry was consumed with grief for Sirius, so his thoughts could not penetrate Harry now, while he mourned Dobby. Grief, it seemed, drove Voldemort out . . . though Dumbledore, of course, would have said that it was love.

[Dr_Doolittle]

That’s beautiful, thank you for that post.

Best of luck with the new dog @Demerara_Stables - it really does help heal a broken heart. And be glad you have a DH who is able express his feelings so openly.

Hugs to you both.

[Maythehorsebewithme]

Time. Just time. Personally, for me, about 6 months before I can even speak about the loss without bawling. A couple of times I completely embarrassed myself at work by busting out with tears in front of non-animal people who I believe just thought that I was unstable. And I did not care.

[MunchingonHay]

Therapy. Seriously. When I lost my first dog (and we all know that first one is the most special), I went to therapy. After DH and I got married and we lost his “first dog” I sent him to therapy.

And time. And understanding and support from you.

I have had all of my pets cremated and recently, one by one, I have been having them turned into glass orbs. This way I get to have them on display and they are with me. I use Spirit Pieces and they do a wonderful job.

[Lizrd]

My guy is the best. dog. dad. It hurts him so much when we lose one. He has a tough exterior, works in a very masculine field, and was brought up in an emotionally immature household. And expressing grief when one of our pets passes has taken him some time. He did not grow up with cherised pets. His were an afterthought as a child. He has now learned how to cherish pets and how to include them as one of the family. I am not sure I have suggestions other than to let him process and heal. Everyone is on a different timeline.

One thing that I think about often is something my guy shared with me that gave me tremendous insight and understanding. When we lost a particularly special dog he shared with me how that pup “was always the one to greet me when I was out on a call in the middle of the night.” Him explaning this to me helped to deeply recognize that he had a very unique relationship with each dog, that I didn’t have in common with him. We love them all and we have a lot in common about our feelings but him talking me through that made me realize that the dad/dog relationship was unique from the mom/dog relationship. I was somehow trying to relate or equate his loss with my loss and that epiphany helped me to see that he experienced the dogs differently than I did. They are buddies in a unique way.

We also have an agreement that anytime one passes we have the mutual opportunity to talk about it as much or as little as we want to on any given day. These boundaries help us have empathy for each other while we are both sad and grieving independently and together.

[Annie10]

I’m so sorry… I have nothing to add, other than I lost my best boy at 16 in 2012. And I still can’t talk about him without crying. Sometimes it’s just like that…
I have had dogs before and since but he was special.

[Zevida]

Grief is hard.

Two things that have helped me on my journey, if your husband is open to it:

The podcast All There Is by Anderson Cooper. He explores grief through the recent death of his mother, and the deaths of his brother and father in the past.

The book The Wild Edge of Sorrow by Francis Weller. I found this book through the podcast and it’s been tremendously valuable in helping me understand the power and importance of experiencing and honoring my grief.

My grief says that I dared to love, that I allowed another to enter the very core of my being and find a home in my heart. Grief is akin to praise; it is how the soul recounts the depth to which someone has touched our lives. To love is to accept the rites of grief.

― Francis Weller, The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief