How to leave a barn - please help!

[MistyMorning_009]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. @findeight I’m worried that because I was “working” at this barn and am fairly close to this trainer she’ll make it much more difficult for me to make a clean getaway. She also had me sell my perfectly good saddle to buy a different saddle because she insisted I needed a new saddle. But she never lets me use my own saddle… She had been letting me lesson on a more challenging horse (not a schoolie) for a good while and I was in a semi-private with another woman on a very nice show animal. Until a few weeks ago she took me off the non-schoolie and told me I needed to ride in a different semi-private group because I was holding back the other adult from progressing since school horses can’t do what her horse was needing to work on. So now I’m in a group of the other adults who toodle around and get yelled at.

However, I have contacted another barn and trainer at the advice of a woman who left my barn about a year ago. She said leaving the barn was harder than her divorce… yikes!!! I actually found out that two other riders at this barn have moved to the same place. I’m going for a trial lesson this Saturday! And I’m supposed to lesson at my current barn on Sunday… I’m thinking if it goes poorly again, I will have to suck it up and tell her I’m done. On the bright side, I’m out of town every weekend until mid-november so I think I actually will be able to make a clean break.

[findeight]

While I dont think you owe them any notice you are discontinuing lessons as none of my barns have expected any notice weekly school horse lesson clientele were discontinuing their lessons, and when I was in that position and gave notice, I got a “whatever” response and no follow up. They didn’t care, I was a nobody.

You should keep your mouth shut about what you didn’t like. Tell new trainer where you were and if they ask why you left, just say it wasn’t working out. New trainer probably won’t ask anyway but take the high road if they do. They know if that barn has a crap reputation anyway, stay classy.

[MistyMorning_009]

@findeight

Tell new trainer where you were and if they ask why you left, just say it wasn’t working out. New trainer probably won’t ask anyway but take the high road if they do. They know if that barn has a crap reputation anyway, stay classy.

Good suggestion, this new barn has a few people who have moved from my current barn so it’s safe to say the trainer is aware of the problems.

[annairb]

Yikes! This sounds almost exactly what I went through about two years ago.

You obviously aren’t in an easy situation to be in and I’m sorry that you’re in it in the first place.

I rode at a barn near me where the trainer was contradicting herself every other day, the horses were somewhat borderline abused (punched in the teeth and kicked in the ribs and joints after wanting to pee in the crossties AFTER they had been left there for 30+ minutes, for just one example), she complained about everything I did unless I did it her way exactly (I understand trainers are there for a reason, but they don’t always know everything and some of them need to realize it), she would tell me to fix something but not how or why, and the overall atmosphere of the barn was condescending and clique-ish (high school all over again, GROSS)!

There aren’t hardly any barns that are a decent distance from my house. But I kept looking and looking, and I eventually found one down the road from her’s (it was a barn just starting up, didn’t even know about it until a friend told me that she had a friend that rode there). After being there for 2 years or so, it’s okay looking at it now. It isn’t the best place, the trainer isn’t very knowledgeable and doesn’t have much experience. The horses are treated better but definitely not great (at least they aren’t being used as punching bags, but they hardly get any pasture time, maybe twice a week average).

I still am not happy with the place, I’m considering moving again but it is not as much of a priority. I own my own horse (actually, three, but one is about to be leased and the other retired) but I have decided to not do lessons anymore. I am out there for the horse, not the misery of working under a trainer. I realize with my experience that I honestly do not need one, and it isn’t worth the drama and headaches of the inconsistency of being under a trainer (maybe one day I’ll find a trainer that doesn’t contradict herself all the time… one day).

My advice? Keep looking, expand your horizons. If you aren’t happy, don’t do it. It’s more worth it, in my opinion, to ride less times per week at a barn further away than more times at one closer when you don’t enjoy this one and you may enjoy another one.

I really hope you can find a good solution that works for you, it really hurts me to see someone go through the same thing that I went through. It’s not an easy decision, but (like a bad marriage or relationship) once you’re gone, you’ll probably realize it was worse than you thought and will be even more satisfied that you left.

Good luck and hang in there! :lol:

[skydy]

@HonestCheater

You’re in Chicago? There’s aren’t really any options other than Glen Grove and Freedom Woods as far as convenience. And after my crummy experience at GG and what I know of Freedom Woods I wouldn’t stay/go to either of those barns. I second Lockemeadows, try other barns out and see what fits! If riding isn’t fun you have to find somewhere else, or maybe quit for a while until you can afford to achieve your goals. It’s like riding a bike, you won’t really forget anything.

Not knowing any of these people/barns I looked at the web sites. One is incredibly uninformative, the other has so many errors in grammar and sentence structure that it is painful to read. The latter lists the trainer as being the marketing and social media expert. Neither make a good impression.

OP, life is short. Don’t continue paying to be unhappy! Explore the options and I’m sure you’ll find a much better situation.

[PonyPenny]

It is a service industry and you are paying for the service. This means trainer is working for you during your lesson. Put on your big girl panties and go to another barn if you are not happy. Trainer does not need any explanation. People change trainers or instructors all the time. Just do it.

[findeight]

@MistyMorning_009

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. @findeight I’m worried that because I was “working” at this barn and am fairly close to this trainer she’ll make it much more difficult for me to make a clean getaway. She also had me sell my perfectly good saddle to buy a different saddle because she insisted I needed a new saddle. But she never lets me use my own saddle… She had been letting me lesson on a more challenging horse (not a schoolie) for a good while and I was in a semi-private with another woman on a very nice show animal. Until a few weeks ago she took me off the non-schoolie and told me I needed to ride in a different semi-private group because I was holding back the other adult from progressing since school horses can’t do what her horse was needing to work on. So now I’m in a group of the other adults who toodle around and get yelled at.

However, I have contacted another barn and trainer at the advice of a woman who left my barn about a year ago. She said leaving the barn was harder than her divorce… yikes!!! I actually found out that two other riders at this barn have moved to the same place. I’m going for a trial lesson this Saturday! And I’m supposed to lesson at my current barn on Sunday… I’m thinking if it goes poorly again, I will have to suck it up and tell her I’m done. On the bright side, I’m out of town every weekend until mid-november so I think I actually will be able to make a clean break.

Let me translate what yeller trainer is trying to tell you by her recent actions, pulling you off the non school horses, saying YOU were responsible for holding back the group lesson, making you feel worthless…that’s borderline verbal abuse BTW. If she said anything like that to you in front of anybody else, it crosses the line.

After doing you some favors for 5 years, it’s dawned on her you are NOT GOING TO BUY A HORSE. Her actions say she doesn’t want you there anymore. She nursed you along thinking you would generate more income for her. Its a business. You are a somewhat of a non performing asset. She wants you gone.

Ummmm, I don’t think it’s necessary for a young adult to initiate a conversation with an older adult that has manipulated, intimidated, insulted and/or verbally abused them thinking they owe that older person many thanks for all they’ve done for her and an explanation as a courtesy. That’s nuts, Like I said earlier, don’t poke the bear, she’s more likely to create a scene and resort to more intimidation and insults even if she really does not want you there anymore. Just stop coming.

Good for you to already have taken that difficult first step to a new barn where you have a support system already in place.

Once upon a time as a 20 something, I was in a similar situation with an intimidating, insulting bully of a general yeller, though as an owner. I had sent the horse and all my stuff ahead to a local show with a friend, already planned to just go to new barn from show. Went into the office to give notice, pay the 30days in lieu of notice and do them the courtesy of thanking them for all they had done for me (and they had, not all bad). Mistake. Trainer called me every name in the book, tore up the 30 day check and threw it with some object on the desk at me. I was shaking for days and that’s why I sometimes advise people to just go and not feel they owe somebody who demeans them any courtesy exit interview. No, they never tried to collect that 30 day check they threw at me with the other object.

Just go.

[MistyMorning_009]

@findeight

Just go.

I wish I could meet you in person to thank you for the pep-talk and advice! You certainly do have an understanding of this trainers mind, I agree that she knows I’m not worth anymore of her time since I am not interested in making a purchase. She isn’t even the barn owner, she makes no extra money for clients bringing horses in. It’s just a weird situation. I do feel like I’m too old to feel this way - at 29 I’d say I definitely need to suck it up and move on. I’ve never liked how the horses were treated at this place and that should have been my red flag ages ago. I will report back on how my trial lesson at the new barn goes on Saturday!

[findeight]

Glad my mistakes can help somebody else. I think you are good to go now, you’ve made the decision in your mind and can now see things more objectively since you’ve severed the emotional ties.

I don’t think we ever get too old to make a mistake in selecting the wrong people to associate with then be made to think it’s our fault. It’s all good, least you didn’t marry them or go into a business partnership.

[over60]

TAKE YOUR SADDLE HOME WITH YOU NOW!!

[findeight]

@over60

TAKE YOUR SADDLE HOME WITH YOU NOW!!

That too. Least you can sell it and replace it with one you want…but get it and anything else you have stored out of there before you take that lesson this weekend. Most of the time, you don’t need to tell them you are going anyway, they know, lots of little sparrows out there eager to tattle.

[Scribbler]

@over60

TAKE YOUR SADDLE HOME WITH YOU NOW!!

Oh yes! I was just going to say this. Also anything else, gloves, helmet, hairnets, any gear at all. Take it out quietly. If anyone asks you are going to clean it up good! Just disappear everything, and then leave.

The trainer will of course notice the saddle is gone when she goes to put it on her own horse but cross that bridge when you come to it.

Your message should just be, I’m thinking of taking a break, I’ll get back to you if and when I want to start up. Thank you so much for everything you have taught me!

[MoonMountain]

@Scribbler

Your message should just be, I’m thinking of taking a break, I’ll get back to you if and when I want to start up. Thank you so much for everything you have taught me!

This.

OP you sound just like me – I tend to worry and overthink things and would also be stressing if I were you (although there is no need to stress!). Just remember it’s highly unlikely that your trainer is giving you a second thought when you’re not there in your lessons. The above is perfect – short, sweet, to the point. Send it in a text or e-mail if you get nervous in person. If trainer has any follow-up questions, you can go from there, but I think that gets the point across.

It’s always difficult to leave a trainer/coach/instructor/teacher, even a job, that you’ve worked closely with and probably developed some sort of working relationship with, but it sounds like this arrangement has run its course and it’s time to move on.