How to leave a barn - please help!

[MistyMorning_009]

I know this has been talked about before but I feel my situation is somewhat unique… But I really need some nonpartisan advice about what I should do.

First off, in my high school days I had a OTTB who was mostly made when I got him. We started at 2’ and ended up competitive in the 3’3’’ and often schooled at 3’6’’+. When I got him he was under muscled and like riding a 2x4 and I worked my butt off getting him in shape. Maybe I’ll post a before and after of my glory day work.

Through college I didn’t ride much. Maybe once every two months and over the summers in between internships. I also worked at a hippotherapy barn and LOVED it. After graduation I rode at my old barn back home for a few months before my job moved me to Chicago.

I moved in 2012 and I’ve been at the same barn ever since. I’ve had good times at this barn; I sometimes feel like my riding has improved; some of my bad habits have gone away and I love the barn gals I’ve met. I don’t jump as big as I used to but I’ve been OK with it since I don’t have big riding goals. School horses don’t need to be jumping big anyway. I even leased a horse so I could jump “real” jumps again. Ultimately the cost of leasing was not worth it to get only one extra ride a week.

The past year has been a real bummer. I broke my tailbone last December and it was slow to recover. Truthfully I really enjoyed the riding break. I guess that speaks volumes… This trainer makes me feel like an idiot: I ride school horses in flat old saddles that don’t fit me OR the horse(s). She makes me get off to “fix” my tack which makes me feel even stupider (and the horse(s) gets rubs anyway). She’ll tell me one thing one week and change it the next. She’ll tell me I’m doing something wrong but doesn’t tell me how to fix it. It’s not always bad, I do have good lessons when she’s in a good mood and I ride great. But… the horse I leased was drugged before I rode it, as are many others. I have no confidence anymore and feel like I’ve become a “talent-less fearful ammy”. However, I shadowed a large animal vet in high school and have a decent amount of horse sense and knowledge.

If you made it this far I need some advice. This barn is convenient to get to, and my riding goals are to ride correctly and maintain a certain level of skill. And I just want to enjoy horses. It’s not always bad here, but when it is, it’s miserable. I could either suck it up and deal with these problems at this barn or find somewhere else to ride. In a perfect world I’d have a project horse but I just can’t afford it and truthfully I wouldn’t want to own a horse at this barn. As someone with such minimal goals, would you stay and “toodle around” on school horses to log saddle time or find somewhere else? I don’t even know what else is out there and with my job I can’t go far. I feel so dumb, this is such a minuscule and foolish thing to be upset over considering all the horrible things going on in this world. I’d feel so bad leaving this trainer as I’ve seen how upset she gets when those before me have left, but I’m just not sure if it’s worth it… Stay and toodle where it’s convenient or find somewhere else and go through with a “trainer divorce”?

[LockeMeadows]

Go take some lessons at some other local barns. Talk to your horsey friends and see who they like/don’t like and don’t be afraid to ask why they feel like that. Be careful not to burn bridges. You’ll never know when you want to come back.

[HonestCheater]

You’re in Chicago? There’s aren’t really any options other than Glen Grove and Freedom Woods as far as convenience. And after my crummy experience at GG and what I know of Freedom Woods I wouldn’t stay/go to either of those barns. I second Lockemeadows, try other barns out and see what fits! If riding isn’t fun you have to find somewhere else, or maybe quit for a while until you can afford to achieve your goals. It’s like riding a bike, you won’t really forget anything.

[mmeqcenter]

Convenience is never good enough for a “sometimes not miserable” barn experience, IMO.
I’d bow out of this barn and find somewhere else to ride. Simply be as polite and professional as possible, but understand you can’t control her reaction. I’d expect it to be pretty bad, with bad mouthing, based on your description of her. You just have to ignore it and do what’s best for you.

[Groom_amp_Taxi]

Might be a good time to explore another discipline - eventing? straight dressage? Gives you a good excuse to leave and doesn’t mean you can’t come back to h/j at some point in the future when you find a barn you like better. Sounds like you’ve probably had doubts about the current barn for quite some time, definitely sounds like time to move on.

[vxf111]

You sound unhappy, I’d explore other options. Not being a boarder makes it easier. Especially if you explore other disciplines (dressage? A more low key poke around barn?)

[Libby416]

A good friend of mine is kind of dealing with the same issues right now, so I’ll tell you exactly what I told her. This sport is way too expensive to not have more happy rides than miserable ones. If you are not having fun, that means there is something wrong. And something needs to change, because “putting up” with whatever is going on is going to burn you out and possibly make you want to quit all together.

Something I don’t understand about our HJ world is the fact that many of us forget that the trainer WORKS FOR US! You should not have to feel stupid every time you go out, that is not normal. The last trainer I was with was starting to be like that, berating me in front of other riders/trainers because of some minuscule thing I didn’t know. And wouldn’t you know, I haven’t taken a lesson with her since. That’s not ever okay, and you don’t need to put up with that.

Saying that you’ll put up with things because it’s convenient isn’t a good enough reason. I would much rather have to drive an hour to have a fabulous, well spent lesson, than to drive ten minutes to a barn where I dread the lessons more times than not. And it obviously sounds like the horses aren’t thought of much either at this place, so what I heard from you was:

• The lessons/trainer aren’t always good
• You have to hope and pray the trainer is in a good mood
• The horses care is secondary to money making, since they use tack that doesn’t fit, and horses have sores

All of that says no go to me.

As someone above suggested, ask around. See what other barns are available and don’t limit yourself to a certain area. You may have to think outside the box for right now (farther away, different discipline). You CAN find a good fit!! I promise! It may take some time, and it may not be what you expected, but the right place for you is out there! Good luck!!

[kirbydog]

There are a ton of places in the Chicago area you could ride at, that have quality lesson programs. If you don’t mind driving a bit, you’ve got options. Give us a clue what/where would be convenient for you: North Side, Lake Forest, Libertyville, South burbs, Far West?
FWIW, we have a client who lives in Chicago, one who was in Lake Forest and we are Far West. The toll roads can take you anywhere you want to go!

[findeight]

Since OP is just a lesson client, not in a regular training program, not a boarder or leaser or show client? And trainer doesn’t particularly teach her anything and maybe rides her a little, puts her in ill fitting, worn out tack and doesn’t provide much instruction?

Just don’t schedule any more lessons, if she calls or e mails and asks you why you aren’t coming out, tell her you are taking at least a short break and not sure what you are going to do… I’m betting she’ll never even notice OP is gone. Not an important enough client. And sounds like that’s a really good thing here.

Just don’t sign up for any more lessons. Answer only if she asks, don’t volunteer anything. Easy peasy, no drama. No opportunity for any drama to start.

So often I hear from those who were worrying about leaving a lesson program who were sad to learn trainer really didn’t care whether they came or not and never called to ask why they stopped coming… So…don’t poke the bear, just stop scheduling lessons.

[Scribbler]

I would move on. You might never get back to your old level of jumping, but you might find new things to explore, new disciplines. I wonder if your relationship with the trainer has flatlined because you aren’t going to ramp up your participation and she is no longer giving you her full attention? Also it is hard to ride school horses in school tack. Perhaps at another barn you can do a half-lease with a privately owned horse whose overall care is better and whose owner shares more of your philosophy.

As a returning rider, I can say that when you go back to a lesson program there is a great deal you have to over look. First there is the memory that you used to be much better than this! Then there is the memory of riding your own horse as a teen when you were a seamless pair. Then there is the memory of how you looked after that horse, which is bound to be better than what most lesson horses receive. Lesson programs are designed for people who haven’t yet gone through horse ownership, haven’t had a horse in the peak of health and happiness, haven’t had tack that fits them beautifully, and haven’t yet had full autonomy with their horse. If you’ve had all that, there’s a lot you have to bite your tongue about and not mention.

Such a lesson program is a great thing when you are first coming back to riding, but after a while you will start to chafe at its limits. It sounds like you are ready to move on to a different situation. And going to a new barn might be a nice change, since you can shed the adult beginner persona from the first barn and arrive as someone who is already riding quite well, thank you.

[lmlacross]

I agree that this doesn’t need to be dramatic unless either party makes it so. A weekly or twice-weekly lesson client won’t make or break a business. Call trainer, explain that you really appreciate the help over the years, and let her know that you’re going to be taking some time to explore other riding options and maybe other disciplines. Make sure you’re all paid up, express your thanks, and go.

If you’re willing to spend 40 minutes in the car and can plan your riding times to account for traffic patterns, you have plenty of options available to you in Chicagoland. I was horseless here for a long time and had great lesson experiences at three separate barns, each of which I rode with for a series of months. All were different, but all were great places to ride in different ways.

[MistyMorning_009]

Thank you all so so much, I can’t believe there are so many people who are willing to read all my baggage and give some advice…

@Libby416

Something I don’t understand about our HJ world is the fact that many of us forget that the trainer WORKS FOR US!

I think about that all the time! My old trainer was tough, but fair. If you couldn’t get it together that day she’d excuse you to go hack in the field. And lessons were included in board… This trainer just yells until you feel small and incompetent.

@kirbydog I’m in Humboldt Park, so going north or west is typically easier. I normally work too late to get out on weekdays but sometimes I make it work. I’m willing to drive at an hour, and at this point I think that’s the shortest I can get.

@Scribbler you’re absolutely right. I think I’ve made my bed in the eyes of this trainer as an incompetent adult. Sometimes the way she speaks to me makes me think she believes I actually have learning disabilities. It’s truly awful and I’m not the only one she speaks down to. We have a rotating staff of trainers that come and go through this barn.

I actually did try dressage for a summer while home from school while I was temp barn managing at another barn in my hometown and enjoyed how much it taught me about proper carriage, but I think I’d miss jumping too much to go sole dressage.

[kirbydog]

@MistyMorning_009 , I pm’d you

[Condor]

Everything @Libby416 said. If you feel like you want to be more independent and ride outside of a structured lesson, you might search around your area for partial lease horses that are available. Some of the freedom of having your own horse but with a set monthly cost. Would also give you a decent excuse for leaving your current barn (if trainer even asks).

[TheHotSensitiveType]

@MistyMorning_009

This trainer just yells until you feel small and incompetent.

Over the years, I have found this to be the go to for people who do not know how to help you anymore but are not mature enough to tell you that you have improved beyond their lesson/training program.

Depending on how often you lesson, you can just not set up lessons anymore and let it end that way. I doubt she would be interested in finding out the reason you are leaving anyway. If you need closure, you can stop by, tell her thank you, give her something small to show ‘appreciation’, and be done with her. There may be drama with this approach though… any contact with this instructor is likely to result in drama.

I hope you find a barn you love!

[poltroon]

Go somewhere else.

Some ideas for you:

• Another discipline. Find the best horseman you can and ride with that person whatever that person does. There is so much to learn.
• Find someone who has a horse and not enough time. You can ride so you might find someone who would love to have someone come hack for free. Friend of mine found a group of endurance riders who really needed another body to help condition the horses, super fun for her.
• There are probably half leases for a capable rider around in various places, not advertised, if you’ll go to the owner’s barn.
• volunteer with a therapeutic riding group. You’ll be around horses and maybe you’ll meet people who can help you on your next steps.
• save your money and instead of using it for weekly lessons, use it for horse vacations where you can ride intensively for a bit.

[findeight]

General yellers are typically miserable people who are not where they think they should be and taking out their frustration on any handy target. You shouldn’t pay to be the target of their discontent with their life.

General yellers are different from specific yellers frustrated with your failure to listen, follow direction or inability to make a new mistake instead of the same one over and over. The specific yeller is trying to get something across to you, I get that. They do care.

The general yeller just yells to vent their misery. They don’t care if you learn or not and do nothing to teach you. Except yell. Don’t offer any positive guidence, just yell if they don’t think you did it right despite unclear direction.

Never been in a barn that required or expected any type notice from those just taking 1 or 2 lessons a week on schoolies unless there was a pre paid package. Just expected them to show up if they had scheduled a lesson or cancel in plenty of time. Can’t see OP owes this unhelpful general yeller who makes her feel like an adult with a learning disability any specific “exit interview” any more then she owes a mediocre, uncaring hairdresser who makes her feel like a nuisance an explanation if she changes salons to find a better one.

Just be sure you are paid up and fulfill anything you scheduled and stop coming. You won’t be missed.

[Scribbler]

I would tell the barn that I was taking a break from lessons due to work and other considerations, and that I would be in touch if I feel like starting up again. Then just look for another barn. You haven’t burnt any bridges, and a once or twice a week lesson student won’t be deeply missed. But its worth letting them k now so they won’t be mentally keeping a time slot for you in the lesson program. Probably more if you were in private lessons, not in group lessons.

[Scribbler]

You will of course run into all these folks at some point, maybe a show in a few years, so worth keeping it mild yet polite.

[DoubleTwistedWire]

@MistyMorning_009

I actually did try dressage for a summer while home from school while I was temp barn managing at another barn in my hometown and enjoyed how much it taught me about proper carriage, but I think I’d miss jumping too much to go sole dressage.

You’ll get more out of doing 6 months or a year with a pleasant and good straight dressage trainer than you will continuing to do lessons with a miserable yeller who is ruining your enjoyment of the sport. Explore that as an opportunity, too. As was said above, this sport is too expensive to spend time being miserable at it.