I’ve definitely been guilty of mixed signals! I think I’m like you in that if I’m feeling iffy about something, my instinct is to be honest about that, especially when asked. Working on keeping those feelings to myself would probably go a long way here!
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BE CLEAR
You have already set a precedent so I don’t think that gracious backpedaling/mixed messages/subtle hints are really gonna get you anywhere.
Something along the lines of “hey thank you for your help thus far, now I really need time one on one with my horse to establish a connection. I will let you know when and if I would like more help from you.”
Find the time to tell her this when nobody is around listening, so you don’t embarrass her. Personally I would be proactive, and have this short discussion at a time that she is not in the middle of butting in. That would make it more awkward. Time to put on your big girl panties.
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Congratulations on the new horse.
It sounds like you are boarding at a busy barn.
For a bit, no matter what you do, you will be the center of attention because a new horse is always the center of attention. That is just how it is. (I mean, think about it, new cuteness to swoon over.)
I would probably be a little kinder than some of the posts. Not because there is anything wrong with a short answer. But, being the new person it seems that to me that it might work better to give a very valid reason instead of just say no.
When trainer offers to lend a hand simply say “I really do appreciate all the kind people here trying to help me, but right now I am really wanting to work thru some things on my own (with the help from the trainer I have been working with). Thank you again for sharing your knowledge and time, I will let you know if I need some assistance”.
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I’m with @trubandloki here. There’s no reason to be rude. You want to be welcomed into the barn community and being discourteous will inhibit that.
You’re new to horse owning and just because you’ve been a WS or riding for years, doesn’t mean you’re not unintentionally letting your horse learn bad habits or putting yourself in unsafe situations.
This isn’t a fellow boarder that’s giving unsolicited advice. It’s a trainer. And while anyone can hang a shingle on the barn door, theoretically, this person is educated and experienced, and is seeing something going on that makes her want to step in and help you.
So, instead of rudely ignoring the advice, or saying something ill-mannered, maybe consider the advice. If it’s something you’ve not considered before, maybe decide if it’s worth trying? If not, then don’t. You are an adult who can make your own decisions. If what she suggests makes sense, perhaps give it a try. If not, then don’t. You can ask ‘why’ she’s recommending what she is, or you can politely respond with something like “that’s not the way my trainer wants me to do it, but thanks”.
She’s most likely coming from a place of kindness, and just wants to help you out. Nothing will make that behavior stop more effectively (without being offensive) than systematically ignoring what she says. Again, smile and “that’s not what my trainer wants me to do, but thank you”. She’ll soon learn that you’re not looking for help. That being said, make sure your pride or insecurity is not making you resent what would actually be good advice for you and your new horse.
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I agree with Element Farm. Horses learn much faster than their rider. It is easier to not let a horse get bad habits in the beginning, which is where ammies fall down. The horse simply does not learn bad habits with good trainers and then do not need to be retrained which is harder.
You say the horse behaved perfectly on the lunge for her but not for you. Open your mind and learn why. What was she doing beforehand?
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Id tread softly here. She may be seeing you as an accident waiting to happen and honestly be trying to help you out. Were you stepping into the horse while lunging or backing away? Was the horse disrespecting your space? Were you not giving clear directions to the horse?
I know, if I saw a new boarder/horse owner lunging in what I consider an unsafe manner, I might say ‘hey, do you mind if I give you some unsolicited advice/show you a couple of things?’. Not trying to gain you as a client but rather trying to avoid losing you to injury - or anyone else in the indoor at the same time.
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Replying to you as well as @SuzieQNutter and @dotneko, since your comments are along the same vein— I’m definitely not going to say anything rude! That’s not really who I am, and I do like this barn as a whole and don’t want to jeopardize my place there by causing trouble (and it’s much more pleasant to be at a barn where folks get along anyway).
My mare wasn’t doing anything dangerous. I’m hesitant to do a blow-by-blow because I don’t want to turn this into a discussion of how to improve my longeing technique—I know what I should have done differently at the start to avoid the (minor, not dangerous) mixed signals issue I was having and I did actually learn something else as well from this instructor when she stepped in that I will keep in mind going forward.
That said, I also know it is a lot harder for me to concentrate on figuring things out when I a) know someone is watching me struggle and b) feel at all like I can just give up and let someone else take over. And while her advice would certainly be appreciated when asked for and/or later down the line when I feel more confident in my relationship with my horse, right now it feels like by adding her input and judgment where I haven’t asked for it, she’s piling on to all the challenges that come with getting a horse for the first time—adding stress, not alleviating it.
That’s why this is more a “how can I make some space for myself to figure things out” question, rather than a “how do I longe” or “how do I ask an instructor to give me a lesson” question, even though I do acknowledge she has plenty of years in the biz and I’m sure has lots to offer and I also know I have plenty to work on in my own life.
Not sure this makes sense, but hopefully it adds some context to what’s going through my head!
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I don’t think you need to listen to random trainers advice. Even if she’s experienced it may not be right for you. I usually just go with a “I’m good, thanks!”. I’m with you, I would rather figure things out on my own and not have interference. I remember a trainer at a barn I was at while I was in school who kept making comments to me about literally everything. I didn’t need the help. I was riding my 12 year old horse who was a homebred that I had started myself and trained to that point. She was giving me advice on everything “don’t hand feed him he will learn to bite” “you need to change your bit” blah blah blah. My favourite was when I asked (not to her in particular) “is there a stool somewhere I could use” and she burst over like “why? what do you need it for?” and I was like “oh I’m just trying on this saddle” and she grabbed it from me, suck it on my horses back and was like “nope doesn’t fit, I don’t like this brand anyway” and then I was like “cool, well I’m actually just looking at panel shape because the saddle tree can be adjusted” and she went on a monologue about how saddle fit is important. Cool. A very well known and experienced saddle fitter then adjusted it and it’s been a great saddle for the past decade or so.
So OP, I get it. Just ignore her, brush it off, and enjoy your new pony!
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I think it’s probably one of two things. First, the person is likely just trying to be helpful. I not a trainer, but if I see someone struggling, and it’s something I am really good with, I will usually offer to help as long as the person is giving off vibes that they want or would welcome help. My current BO struggled all last year with her badly behaved gelding, and was very open about wishing someone could help her fix him. At one point he did something unacceptable, and I asked to step in to help. I think the BO was just so relieved someone else was dealing with the situation and she could actually sit back. I genuinely couldn’t stand to watch her struggle any longer and worried about her getting hurt, and it was something I was very confident I could work with. I’m not a pro, so there was no worry about me trying to get her to pay me or anything etc.
I have also seen this happen when trainers want to scoop up new clients. It’s really common actually in the area where I ride. I hate seeing it, and it looks super awkward in my eyes, but I think a lot of people have no idea what’s going on and get sucked in. I can’t say that’s what is happening, but it is something to definitely consider. Especially if the trainer travels around. Unfortunately, with the cases I have witnessed, the owners usually do have to get to the point of being very direct with the trainer that they are already working with someone else, or that they prefer to figure things out on their own. These aggressive types of trainers typically don’t back down easily, in my experience.
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This is one of the better suggestions. There is no point at all to burning bridges when the person almost certainly meant well. You can be perfectly nice while being clear about what you need. Be sure to communicate gratitude sincerely. Then say, I’m finding I need alone time with my new horse as we get to know each other. Then follow up with more thanking.
If she persists, just smile and say thanks and repeat the thing about alone time. As often as it takes.
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Every barn I’ve been at has at least one of this personality type. It’s so unfortunate because while yes, their advice is always sound and comes from years of experience, their delivery and inability to pick up on social cues put the babe in the woods in such a negative headspace as to cancel out their intended good will. This person might always put you in a mental place of being not good enough or unskilled. This type is a confidence killer – and something that your new horse is picking up on. Say something fast. Holding your ground with this trainer will help you become a stronger leader to your new horse.
And remember this is supposed to be fun! It’s too expensive and time consuming not to be. Don’t let anyone make it anything but.
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Whe I was boarding, I would just take my grooming box into the stall, close the door, and hang out with my horse. Even tacked up in the stall. That was my horse-bonding time. If I had any questions, I’d come out and ask.
I installed screw eyes in the stall for temporary cross ties when needed. It also served the purpose of getting the horse comfortable having things done in the stall, which paid dividends when we were off eventing and the stall at the venue was the only place to do a lot of preparation without feeling rushed.
We also worked on fence tying for grooming and tacking up in the pasture when the horse was turned out. It also helped avoid being snared into the barn gossip circle.
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Fantastic. I love it. How I wish I had dreamed rhis up at my old place. And what a fun way to expand horsey’s comfort levels and your own.
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I’m an (over) thinker so I totally understand where you’re coming from! I think, however, rather than confronting, 9 times out of 10, it’s best not to “feed the fire,” and people who like to give advice will usually stop if you just sort of noncommittedly say, “I’ll think about it.” Or something vague. For example:
“I like to lunge my horse every time I get on him in winter! He looks spicy, I think you should get him out on that lunge! Want me to show you how?”
“Right now, we’re just trying an extra-long warmup with lots of walk-trot transitions under saddle, but I’ll consider lunging if he feels unsafe, thanks, and it’s nice to know you’ll help me out…”
Don’t say the person is “wrong,” just acknowledge the advice is valid, say what you are trying, and don’t alter your behavior. Eventually, giving advice to someone who doesn’t give you anything positive or negative to work with is like playing tennis without a partner or a wall.
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Maybe try the approach I’d use.
I am a Physical Learner.
I need to do the thing, not watch it being done, or have it explained.
IIWM, after trainer displayed her correction to longeing, I’d have asked her to talk me through doing the same.
That said, if she continues to step in & do things, I’d start to feel like she was looking for me to drink the Koolaid & get on her client list.
Unless that appeals to you, make it clear her help, every time it’s offered, is a One Of.
She may continue to help (when asked), or she may step back & give up on you as an income addition.
OR: if you are learning from her, offer to pay for a groundwork lesson.
That way you have some control over when her help is wanted.
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Number one is to stop letting people cross your threshold. That means stopping the following behavior:
Asking care or training questions of barn mates
Saying anything beyond “great ride” when people ask how your ride went
Communicating at all with the peanut gallery
Working in high traffic times when you risk getting in the way of lessons or beginners
Any self depreciating comment’s
But do communicate with your real trainer. Tell her what’s happening. Ask her if she sees holes in your horse handling skills.
I’ve seen both sides of the picture. I’ve seen folks especially newbies get swamped with inappropriate advice and resent it. And I’ve seen folks making huge basic mistakes in things like longeing that are difficult to watch and difficult to ride around. Actually you shouldn’t be longeing when someone is riding anyhow. And I’ve seen obnoxious know it all coaches who are trolling for clients.
Since I haven’t watched your particular dynamic I suspect a bit of all three. Choosing to work on basics at a quieter time is a wise choice for anyone with a green horse.
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And to add to what Scribbler said a horse MUST not go backwards on the lunge, especially in side reins. What happened on the lunge beforehand was not said, or if side reins were involved, however figuring it out on your own if the horse is going backwards in side reins you may not get another chance.
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Yes, and I’ve also watched people continually fail to “send” a horse because they are stepping backwards or too tentative. The fact that the busybody coach could get the horse going easily suggests operator error that is indeed hard to stand by and watch. That doesn’t excuse rude pushy bystanders. But it does suggest OP has some skills and training holes they should get eyes on from their own coach.
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I call this the horse lunging the rider! It happens a lot with Beginners!
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I was with you until I read the part of “she gently took over longeing my horse for me (who of course then behaved perfectly)”.
She sounds much more skilled than you.
