How to stop getting "help"?

[katmarcra]

I just bought a horse. Yay! And she’s boarding at a barn that I like. Double yay! The downside: I seem to have said “yes”–or at least didn’t say “no”–to one too many pieces helpful advice from one of the instructors who teaches at the barn, and now she always wants to look out for me and “help” me out.

I know that I’m probably just being insecure and wildly overreacting and I should be grateful for the advice, but I also want it to stop until I feel more secure in my relationship with my horse. I’m also ok with things taking longer as I figure them out in a way that works for me and the horse–that was part of why I bought one! I’ve been riding for years, I was a working student for a year, I have a trainer offsite that I take lessons with who is happy to answer questions for me and I’m perfectly capable of identifying when I actually need help and asking for it then–I’m not at a point where a ton of unsolicited advice is necessary.

My current plan is to just come to the barn a bit later in the evening and hopefully avoid this instructor (and frankly, all the kids, parents, and other riders milling around–aka the super helpful peanut gallery) for the time being–but is this something worth having a conversation about? Has anyone had a successful confrontation in which they have asked to just be left alone to figure things out?

Argh! All I want is to hang out with my new pony

[ZuzusPetals]

Congratulations on the horsey. Try this:

“Hey, thanks for welcoming me here. Listen, I’m the type of learner who likes to figure out new horses very slowly, and on my own, with my trainer’s guidance. Right now I have a lot going on in my life and when I’m here I really need to concentrate on the job at hand. It’s what I need to do for myself to decompress. Just yesterday I asked my husband and friends to save the calls and text messages for when I get home so I can have this “me” time. So tell you what: If I need a hand, I’ll ask, but otherwise I’m OK.”

[goodhors]

Headphones, earplugs, in a very bright color in your ears. If people talk, wave, smile, ignore, to do your own thing. If they actually STOP YOU, just gush a few words about the music you love listening too, can’t talk now! Continue to move forward to your horse or tack, then get horse prepared without an actual conversation or removing the ear covering.

Takes some being pushy, not politely stopping, but you can do it! Redirect any conversation to how you love being with the horse, how your Trainer said to do it this way, over their trying to give you information. Do NOT remove headphones, ear buds, so any apparent rudeness is because you can’t hear them.

Good luck, stiffen your resolve, and take control of the setting. DO pay attention to your surroundings, look out for others to prevent collisions, things your horse could object to so no one gets hurt by your “deafness.”

[fivestrideline]

Tbh if you can go later without inconveniencing yourself, I’d start with that. Easier to focus and relax with a new horse when it’s quieter. However, you don’t need to rearrange your life to avoid this. As long as you know you’re following the barn rules, being safe, and not getting in the way (doing groundwork in the aisle/ring during busy times, or something), it’s time for an adult conversation. “Hey I really appreciate the advice! But, my trainer and I have been working on confidence and stuff so I really want try to apply what we’ve talked about before asking for help. I will definitely come ask if I get stuck, though! By the way, I love those socks where did you get them?”

Be concise and polite, no need for long anecdotes about whatever. Offering a change of subject at the end can diffuse any awkwardness. Make sure to be nice and not tiptoe around in an attempt to “avoid” this person after, and become a pro at steering conversation to more neutral topics vs training/issues/advice. It’s a skill that will serve you quite well in all areas of horse life!

[2DogsFarm]

I may be a bit cynical (okay, I am), but maybe this instructor sees you as a potential add to her income.
Free advice becomes a Lesson Client = $$

I’d use the last part of @ZuzusPetals advice, just smile, say thanks & advise you’ll ask if you need help.

Congrats on your new horse!

[Fiesta01]

Congratulations! Very exciting. Lots of good advice above. Was just hoping for a picture of the new horse if you care to share. We love seeing everyone’s new "significant others."

[Obsidian_Fire]

My social skills are never the best even at the best of moments, so here goes: Speak plainly. Use whatever words feel best to you, to say “leave me alone”.
Reading your post, makes me feel very overwhelmed just sitting here at my keyboard! Gosh I can imagine how you must feel.
I think I might start with direct eye contact and “will you please stop. I need to think things thru on my own.” Period end of discussion. Turn your back and continue on.
Plus, imagine how your horse feels when you go from relaxed to “omg here comes the peanut gallery”.
I think you need a really good RBF. Give off a whole lot of “don’t touch me” vibes. LOL.
I suppose people mean well, but not everybody works well in the sort of situation you describe.

[katmarcra]

I really appreciate that! I left the barn last night wondering if I was being unreasonable, and it’s validating to hear it’s not just me. Well-meaning people are great but also the worst sometimes!

[katmarcra]

Picture coming as soon as I figure out how to send it

[Jealoushe]

There was a recent thread about this that had a lot of good input. Ill try and remember the name.

[luvmyhackney]

“I already have a trainer” is a complete sentence, but say it with a smile.

Or just ignore them, wear headphones, but I’d be a little blunt about it.

[katmarcra]

Yeah, I think coming later is going to be the best way to handle this, at least for the time being. Or coming later plus a stubborn unwillingness to let the conversation go toward how my saddle fits, my longeing ability, the need for blankets, etc.

She seems like a nice person but it was kind of a slippery slope until last night she gently took over longeing my horse for me (who of course then behaved perfectly), at which point I went “oh s*** I let this go too far”!

[moonlitoaksranch]

Congratulations!

During busy times at boarding stables, it’s really hard to focus. I would find a quieter time to work with your new horse without distractions. This trainer might feel the pressure to show off in front of her students. You might need to talk to her if she keeps it up, but if you’re working your horse at a quieter time, she’ll likely move on anyway. Maybe just trying to drum up business for herself.

[katmarcra]

Great script! And that was one of the big draws of having my own horse—I feel confident in saying I’m not going to produce a dangerous horse, and I wanted to be able to work some things out on my own time (and get some things wrong!) without worrying so much about making the horse’s owner unhappy with the results.

[Djones]

On the kinder side of thinking, she means well and is oblivious in her overstepping.

A smile and a “I’m fine, thanks.” Is a good place to start. Rinse and repeat. Say what you mean “I am fine, I will let you know if I would like some help.” And don’t waver. Stay in that mindset. She will be confused, but don’t let her confusion be your problem.

Stay cool, stay positive, and stay firm.

[sorrelfilly721]

I find the statement “Everyone has their own opinions and I have mine” usually stops them. If it doesn’t, something like “I’m really not in the market for advice. Thanks.”

[ZuzusPetals]

Workplace and barn situations require me to use vastly different approaches. At work I’m paid to be blunt and firm and frankly, at times, intimidating. If I tried at the barn what I do at work, I’d be (rightfully!) shunned. I figured this out the hard way years ago, unfortunately. So as I pull up to the new place I repeat in my head, “This is not that.”

Also, years ago I was using [controversial schooling aid] at a new place, under my new-to-the-barn coach’s supervision. I realized that it was the root of super-mean gossip, but chose to ignore the nastiness, and that provoked only further high school-level antics until finally I left, heartbroken. I didn’t return to horses until more than 20 years later. Now I wouldn’t put up with that for one moment, but I’d approach it with: “You seem to have some criticisms of me. May I ask why?” (Fortunately the owner of my new place is the queen bee, in the best way, and is always present. She sets a very good tone.)

I’m eager to hear how you address the issue, as it may be instructive for when others run into the same situation.

[SharonA1]

I would say, “Oh, that’s helpful! I guess I’d better go get to work on it. Just quickly, though, how are things going with your horse?”

I would avoid getting into anything longer than that. Longer explanations always make people sound like basket cases. Keep it short and sweet, without making the well-meaning barnmates feel badly.

[MapleBreeze]

She wants you as a student. Ear buds and move on and ignore.

[danhelm441]

I’ve been there! I’m still there sometimes even 1.5 years into horse ownership.

My $0.02, before any confrontation, make sure you aren’t sending mixed signals first. Be mindful how you answer questions/talk about your horse, because people can see any observations or complaints from you as an invitation to give their input. For example, if anyone asks how your ride went, keep it vague. Every ride is just “good, thanks for asking!” even if it was a disaster. This was tricky for me to learn because I tend to speak without much forethought, and would say exactly what I was thinking/planning without considering how the other person might interpret my response. I actually didn’t mind some advice, it just got overwhelming past a certain point.

Anyway, this is not to say you are doing the above, and the instructor in question might just be way out of line. But if you do have a polite confrontation about wanting to figure things out on your own, it will go much smoother if the other person doesn’t feel you were sending mixed signals and soliciting their advice.