Thank you everyone for your wonderful advice. It has helped me through this difficult time. I was able to talk to my husband calmly and resolve it with no further fighting. The dog will be put to rest soon. I’m not sure how to delete my post otherwise I would have done that instead.
I’m so sorry for both you and your husband. The dog needs to be put down. Dogs don’t like to soil their beds and be falling down.
You probaby should have appealed to him using the dog’s quality of life rather than being tired of the mess. Being tired of the mess is understandable but not what dh needed to hear.
You still might google some articles about “how to know when it’s time to euthanize. Generally, most articles address quality of life, and use “find 3 things the dog used to love to do, and when they can no longer do them, then it’s time.” Or someone variation of that. Some people feel it’s when the animal no longer has the dignity they normally have. That goes back to sleeping in their filth… Dogs wouldn’t normally choose that.
I’d spend some time googlng and printing out articles. Maybe call the vet and ask if he could talk to your dh and let him know that is is time, and he’s doing the right thing. And apologize to dh for wording it in a harsh manner, but that seeing the dog existing rather that living and no longer getting enjoyment out of life ( ie” poor buddy used to love to fetch, and go for walks, but he can’t anymore…it breaks my heart seeing him like this." And that a kind death is the last gift we can give our pets who rely on us to keep them from suffering.)
I’m afraid if you don’t take some of these steps, so he is more in agreement with the reason to euth, he may indeed start to resent you.
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Although, it probably is time, there were MUCH nicer ways of handling this. I think the damage is done, and I know if I was him, I’d completely blame you!
I think that decision is very, very, very difficult. When you GENTLY point out quality of life, give people a chance to process it, witness the animal while they think about it, they come to the realization on their own, rather than given ultimatums.
I think they only thing you can do now is be quiet, supportive, a card and memento. (Maybe you could secretly get a pawprint?). Support whatever their decision is with the remains, and hope over time they forgive you.
This dog came before you.
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I’m sorry you are facing this. I had to do something similar with my DH with our (both of us) first dog together. I had been caring for our dog for over a year with him not doing well. Not eating well, could not leave him alone because of extreme separation anxiety. It finally reached a head when he woke us up at 5 in the morning having a seizure and I put my foot down with my DH at that time. For me, it was more that I did not want to watch our dog to decline anymore. Since I was the primary care giver to the dog (as well as having a toddler son) I felt I had the biggest say in the issue. Thankfully DH never resented my pushing the decision.
If I were you, could you explain to your husband how upsetting it is for you to see the dog in such a place? Not just the care you are giving but how the dog is not living with a quality of life. AVMA does have guidelines for euthanasia: https://www.avma.org/KB/Policies/Pages/Euthanasia-Guidelines.aspx might help you.
Hugs, you are doing the right thing for the dog I hope your DH can see that.
Husband sounds like a selfish jerk. Selfish in how he has treated his dog for years now, and selfish to blame you for it. Immature manchild is another word that comes to mind.
I’m sorry you are in this situation. You are the master of your own happiness. He’s never ever going to come around just because you wish it and nothing YOU do is going to make him see the light since he hasn’t already. You’re a convenient outlet to allow him to continue to be in denial. Your fault, not his–justifies, he. Don’t let this drag you down–as we women so often do. We take all the grief and pain and blame and saddle ourselves with it in order to shield our loved ones from any of it.
Much as you took on responsibility for this poor, pathetic old dog. The poor creature. He likes that, it suits his needs. No reason to change this arrangement.
What is done is done, and you did what so many of us would have done in your shoes–you took on the care of this poor old dog because it’s “dad” didn’t. Try to focus on how husband neglected this poor animal in it’s time of need. That is not love–for either old dog OR you.
No, directing this focus will not help your marriage, but husband sure as heck is not doing a damn thing right here. Seems he has a history of shirking his responsibility onto those he “loves”. You can continue to saddle yourself with the blame and responsibility or you can woman up and stop being a punching bag for manchild’s emotional tantrums.
Draw the line in the sand. You seem the only one acting like an adult for what sounds like some time now.
Poor dog suffers while husband turns a blind eye and blames you and lets you deal with it for him. You try to fix it all. He will continue to blame you while you prostrate and weep and beg him to grow up.
I am really so sorry, you have no idea.
It’s not your fault. You haven’t done a damn thing wrong. Not one thing. Arm yourself with that and go forward with confidence and stop letting manchild dump all over you.
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I don’t think you’re wrong about making sure the dog is finally relieved of his suffering, which has gone on for way too long.
I do think you were wrong for enabling your husband and letting the dog suffer for so long.
I also think you’re wrong for hating the dog when he was forced by your husband and allowed by you to suffer for so long.
I hope he has a very peaceful passing.
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Just want to say: resenting the dog is totally normal human behavior. It’s not “right” but we are all flawed human beings. It’s a normal response of a single caregiver with no support, ie the OP. Just one more tragedy here. OP is just another victim of husband’s selfishness.
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I think your husband has put you in a very unfair situation. You’ve been very kindly caring for his dog for a long time now, and an animal pretty much destroying a house is a hard thing to deal with. Particularly when he wasn’t your dog initially. I love all animals, but I would have a hard time with this, too.
Is it too late to change the decision? Your husband needs to spend a month caring exclusively for the dog and cleaning up after him every single day, and he will likely change his mind and see that the dog is suffering and that this is no way for any of you to live. I’d also consider confining the dog to a kitchen where he can’t soil the rugs (assuming this is even possible).
I personally would rather have my husband hate me than make the dog suffer longer. Your idea would make the dog suffer longer.
The OP might not have addressed the situation in the easiest way for her husband to handle but in the end the right thing is happening.
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That’s a good point, and one I hadn’t considered. The situation sucks all the way around.
As others have noted it sounds like the dog should be put down because it has no quality of life. While this would ideally have been the focus of your efforts to have him euthanized, it sounds like your pent up frustration got the most of you in the moment. With that said, if your husband let the dog get to this state I am not sure the gentle approach would have worked.
He is not a hapless victim here - he passed the buck not doing what should have been done a while ago. You enabled it by keeping the dog going. What’s done is done. I would apologize for the outburst, explain that you were frustrated for caring for the dog, and stressed that his quality of life had declined so much to cause all the work and mess. He is either going to forgive you or he isn’t. I do hope it works out.
Have you talked to the vet who treats the dog?
And who cleaned up behind the dog before you got married?
This is your first post on Coth and I’m a little skeptical.
There are diapers for male and female dogs.
I want to hear from the vet and husband before I give advice. Has the dog progressively gotten worse or has he been in the same shape for year(s)? I know people who have blind dogs and cats that maneuver around furniture OK, and the dogs go into the yard to whiz and defecate.
Something is missing here.
They also make wheelchairs for handicapped dogs that would keep this one from falling over.
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