I did it!

[Vegas_Sky]

I did a lot of things, actually…But mainly I finished finals!! For a few days there, I did NOT think I was going to make it all the way through, but I did. So far only two grades have been posted, but I’m very, very confident that out of 19 credits, 16 of those will be A’s. The only class I’m unsure of is biochemistry, but I know I passed it - the question is how well I passed it. Still holding out a little hope for a B, but we’ll see. Either way I’m pretty happy with the way this term went.

Dead Week and Finals Week were absolutely insane. Just plain nuts. I slept about four hours per night and on the two days leading up to the biochemistry final, I didn’t sleep at all. 51 hours awake is just too much for me. WAY too much stress. It’s not worth it. Getting just one more A is not worth killing myself - I’m pretty sure that with all the caffeine, sugar, and stress I was mainlining to keep myself up and focused, I took a good two years off my life. Now I’m just waiting for the inevitable post-finals-cold-from-hell.

So I changed a few things around in my life and decided to postpone graduation another year - there’s no loss there because I was going to do a post-bacc year anyway, so no additional time will be added. But what I will be able to do is complete another option on my major and finish a chemistry minor and an exercise and sport science minor, rather than graduate with just one option on my major and start a post-bacc degree and never finish it before med school. Just seems like a better plan, because next term I will only be taking 14 credits rather than 18 since I’m not gunning for graduation. I’ll have to take some classes over the summer while I’m doing my med school applications and doing my final prep for the MCAT (the MCAT terrifies me), but I can do it. I’m not going for my B rating for Pony Club and I’m only going to do a couple horse trials and a few schooling shows as time allows - I’m just going to take this summer for me, to do the classes I want (anatomy and physiology YAY :D) and do all my med school stuff and just take a bit of a break to fix myself. Learn to ride again, get back in shape, and learn how to live my life. Seems like it will be an okay plan.

So far as major life crises go, things have calmed down a bit. I know I still have a lot of issues to work through, but my psychologist and I are going to do that when classes start again on the 28th. I’ll bring up the problems I’m having and we’ll go from there. Medication, other therapies, things like that - we’ll see what the best options are for me. I still don’t know what the true problem is: depression, anxiety, bipolar, PTSD, or all of the above. But I want to know and I want to be proactive about finding solutions. I want to fix my life and learn to be happy and balanced again. I need that now more than ever.

My next appointment with my neurologist is on the fifth and hopefully I can get my medication adjusted since I seem to be building a tolerance to Lamictal. Not so good - a few too many seizures during finals when I was uber stressed. And I’m going to ask about a stimulant/ADHD drug, because I have been having a LOT of issues with that over the past few months - not just related to stress, although that does make it worse. Luckily, my neurologist is nothing but amazing. She is the kind of physician I want to be!

I talked things over with my parents, and after going through no fewer than 30 different treatment options, we finally settled on a plan: I’m not going to see the pain management doctor again, because I just can’t work with someone with that type of personality, no matter how great of a doctor they are. I am, however, going to see my original ortho doctor at OHSU because I really respect him and his opinions and he is an amazing physician. I just want a second opinion about what kind of things I can do to treat the pain, what activities I should avoid, and what the long-term (like 5 or 10 or + years) is going to be. He is also an osteopathic physician and does a lot of manipulation, and I am totally in to that as a first-line treatment rather than injections or ablations or anything like that. I’ve also scheduled some physical therapy again with my first PT, because I feel like in all the hullabaloo that has been my life for the past 6 weeks, I made some premature judgments and unwise decisions. Now that we’re armed with some more information about exactly what’s wrong, rather than “this hurts” or “I can’t do this right”, I think I’ll get some better results. I’ve been using my TENS unit, which helps a lot, and I got rid of all my narcotics. I don’t want them. I don’t like what they do to me and I don’t like who I am when I’m on them. I can get by with NSAIDS and TENS until I see my ortho.

Another thing that I’ve added to my daily life and want to continue to learn is yoga. I find the stretching and strengthening to be very helpful and it is also mentally relaxing and focusing. I’m going to continue taking classes and practicing every day.

The main thing I’ve found over the past week is that my life was out of control. Not that I was failing my classes or that I was slacking on my responsibilities, but that I was doing SO much of just those things that I lost myself along the way. I was so ridiculously up the walls that I frequently found myself just tweaking around in my apartment because I didn’t know whether I should do the dishes or the laundry first, or because if I did either of those things I would lose fifteen minutes of study time. If people normally carry a coffee cup of stress, I was packing a 100 gallon stock tank of stress. And what’s the point? Why? Why am I doing that to myself? I can’t think of a single good reason. When I can’t sleep or eat or do anything for myself because I am so worried about other people and my future self, that’s when bad things happen. I’m not going to do that any more. I’m done with that.

I’m going to live a balanced life with goals that are quite high and on the over-achieving side of things, but still very obtainable. After all, being an over-achiever is just who I am But I’m not going to over-achieve myself. So my four current goals are 1) to prepare for the MCAT and score in the 38-40 range, a score my tutor and I both think is appropriate for me; 2) go through spring term successfully and learn everything I need to and get a good but not necessarily perfect GPA; 3) prepare myself and my mare for the Pony Club dressage rally in mid-may, a very important goal for me, since I have wanted to do a freestyle my entire riding career and now I get the chance, and I will get a gradual re-introduction to riding fitness and it is at a level that we both are very comfortable at, so it is very attainable; 4) to learn throughout this term and summer term, while I am doing all my med school stuff, how to live a balanced life that is healthy and gives the right amount of time to the right things and that allows me to recover fully - physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Right now, not everything is in order, but it’s in order to get in order, if that makes any sense. Life is not necessarily happy right now, but it’s peaceful and it’s unwinding, and I kind of like that feeling. I haven’t felt this way in a long time. I like where it’s going. I think everything is going to be okay

[HorseLuvr]

Glad to hear you are doing better!!! You seem like a VERY busy girl and it is helpful to remember to enjoy life sometimes and give yourself a chance to relax! You deserve it!! Also, I would be careful about taking a stimulant/ADHD drug. I bought many of them in college off of people around campus and pulled easy 24 to 48 hour study sessions. While it does help you focus and concentrate, it made my heart race and my blood pressure go up. It also made me very easily irritable and sorta anti social. Just be careful taking then especially since you already suffer from anxiety.

Glad you are doing yoga, it is so good for the body and mind! I wish you the best and keep us updated, I enjoy reading your posts!

[stryder]

I am happy for you. You’ve made great strides since your injury, and you’re making good choices. All the people in your camp can say, “hey, slow down” and it won’t do one bit of good until you see it for yourself, and decide to do it. Slowing down isn’t stopping. It’s getting a more realistic look at what’s ahead, figuring out how much gas is in your tank and what you REALLY want to accomplish, because you can’t/don’t need to do everything. And then making a realistic plan to accomplish the goals you’ve set for yourself.

good work.

[red_mares]

Glad it was you doing the biochem final, not me.

Me, I refused, flat out refused, to do biochem back in my chem major days, so much that I did quantum mechanics (Pchem III) instead:).

Good luck with the PT.

[AKB]

Good job. I am glad you made it through the semester successfully, and that you are formulating a plan.

The one thing that bothered me is the 48 hours without sleep. You need to find a good shrink who really understands bipolar disorder. I think he or she would say you are putting yourself at risk for a full blown manic episode when you don’t sleep for 48 hours. This is certainly not my area of expertise, but it does make the red flags come up in my mind. A good shrink should be able to teach you the warning signs that you are letting things get out of control. He or she should also help you make a plan so that when the warning signs start to accumulate, you do something to keep things under control. I hope you got the B in biochemistry. It is very hard to concentrate and take an exam after 48 hours without sleep. Talk with your neurologist and your psychologist and see if there is a good psychiatrist with a particular expertise in bipolar disorder who you can see. You can explain to the shrink that you aren’t looking for treatment, but are looking for education about bipolar disorder so you can prevent trouble.

You have done a lot of good work in the past few weeks. Getting off the narcotics was a big accomplishment. Narcotics don’t usually do good things for grades and concentration abilities. The good grades for the semester are also a very big accomplishment. MCATs and med school applications are the next big hurdle.

Keep up the good work. You should be proud of your accomplishments. The road to full adulthood is not an easy road. Keep plugging along. You are headed in the right direction.

[Vegas_Sky]

Biochemistry…I have a love/hate relationship with biochemistry. I love learning about the physiological processes down to the molecular level, but I could do without lipid metabolism…most o metabolism, actually. And I hate how absolutely in-depth I have to learn it (even though I know it’s necessary) and how much it takes over your life just to do so. It’s a three credit class at OSU, but I think it should be a five credit class because it takes up so much time! But NO way would I want to do Pchem on ANY level! That’s one of those things I’m happy learning about on Discovery Channel! The sad thing is that at our school biochem is in a different department than chemistry, so it doesn’t count toward the chem minor. But I only have to do one more chem class, and I can either do quantitative and analytical chemistry or environmental chemistry. I think I’ll do the latter.

And AKB, it’s not that I wanted to stay up that long - in fact, most of the time I wanted nothing else than to go to bed. But I had so much to do that there was no way I would have passed without cramming in as much study time as possible. I was paying the piper for a few bad decisions earlier in the term. I know it’s still not good, and the fact that I was able to do it in the first place when most people would have crashed after the first day…I don’t really like that and like you said, I think it’s setting me up for some bigger problems. So that’s one of the things I’m not going to do anymore. I’ll plan and study so I don’t have to do that again. I definitely am going to look for more help on the mental health side of things.

I’m already loving spring break. I got a lot done yesterday for MCAT, I’m doing more work for my research today, and Thursday a friend and I are taking a train to Seattle for the day, just because we can and it will be a nice break away. Yesterday I rode my pony, and I get to do it again today. It’s a good day.

[Equsrider]

Good Work! You should be very proud of yourself, you have worked hard, accomplished goals and set a plan in motion= success!!! Keep it up!

[DressageGeek_Ribbon]

Yoga is terrific. So happy that things are resolving for yous o well!

[AKB]

Enjoy your spring break. The trip to Seattle sounds fun. Taking the train to the West Coast is on my list of trips I would eventually like to do. Years ago, we took the train to New Mexico with a group of pony club families, and had great trip. Trains can be so much fun.