Honestly I have found all green horses will barge into you if distracted, even ones that respect other horses. And any horse can run you over if they are frightened of something.
I’m comfortable with my horses but still aware that if a tree falls on the barn or a train derails and explodes up the road or a piece of space junk lands in the paddock, all bets are off.
i’ve not had it happen, ever. And i have had a LOT of horses. This particular oaf is just…oafish and raised poorly. I’ll tell you one thing though, a mustang would never bump me. Now…one might intentionally knock kick or strike, but they are super aware of where they end and others begin. This guy, it’s like his eyes do not see me. i’m rather pissed at the moment…(i don’t get scared, i get mad!)
edit: three things
~my error was to not be aware that he came in there
~my error that i was paying too much attention to my little bird
~my error that knowing that there were those two geldings (the good ones) i didn’t stay near the wall, and got myself in the middle of a small space with too many horses.
As others have said, be kind to yourself. Back in 2019 I had a tumble from one of the barn horses. Sweet boy but hot and opinionated. I fell when he did a fast spin at a full gallop: he’s got a big barrel belly and 5’0 me doesn’t have much leg on him lol. Mid spin I lost my balance and went splat. Luckily no broken bones just soft tissue damage that took forever to heal. I was terrified to ride him and for a while I didn’t until circumstances and he was the only ine available for me to ride. So I got back in his saddle, ready to poop my pants. And it was fine. Though even now I will only gallop him in a straight line. I did have the bad habit for a while of want ing to grab the saddle horn. Like that was somehow gonna keep me safe in the saddle LOL 
In 2009, I had a situation much like yours - and all my fault. I was blanketing my old mare, had fastened one leg strap, and stepped behind her - and ended up 10’ away on the ground with a busted knee. I wasn’t aware that another horse had come up behind us. I was hurrying.
Though it didn’t stop me from handling horses, it DID ingrain in me the need to be hyper-aware around back legs! And it sounds like you know where you went wrong, and what not to do in the future. That’s a great first step.
Next time you go to the barn, take a friend. Just sit, if you can, in an unobtrusive spot and watch everything. Smell the horses and grass and hay. Breathe deep. If you feel like it, go into the barn, or see your mare in her paddock.
I second some therapy, too. You might need a sports psychologist, who understands traumatic experiences and panic attacks, to really get to the heart of it.
Besides taking baby steps, it might be helpful to go to a different barn for a few times. The inner lizard brain is confusing and sometimes it relates the fear from the accident onto something somewhat unrelated. I’ve seen riders have irrational fears of everything from a certain color of horse to certain showgrounds.
Sometimes taking a different approach to feeling comfortable again can help.
My rock solid mare stands like a post for mounting. Project horse spooked at the mounting block in the indoor arena and I landed on my back uninjured. Nevertheless a faint anxiety colors me mounting solid mare at that block now. Anxiety is insidious.
That is exactly the sort of kick that I got years ago (did some ugly things to my pelvis). I got double barreled by my horse, who I trusted. He was eating in his stall, corner feeder, I walked into the stall between him and wall. I think I kicked something, I’m really not sure. But I spooked him and ended up with both hind feet (with shoes, with studs) slamming me into the wall. The wall probably did more damage actually. Because he was simply trying to get away. This is a horse I owned for 25 years, he never, ever kicked, never bit. But I scared him that day and he reacted.
Ever since then, I talk, I sing, I make noise. And I hate talking! You don’t need to make sense while chatting, recite the weather report! Really, I knew someone who did that. But, it can help calm you down and has the added advantage of letting the horse know you are there.
OP give it time and as many positive efforts as you can do; the therapy, progressive steps, etc. I appreciated the “rewriting history” method that was mentioned since I need to do some of that after a fairly significant wreck this summer. I still haven’t been back on a horse but I’m considering it now, at least.
I’ve been kicked badly before too. In the back country, probably 20 miles from anything, in the days before cell phones, not that one would have worked there. It was a friend’s horse that we knew well, standing parallel with my own horse that I was wiping down with fly spray and talking to, apparently in a very peaceful manner. I went around to the back of my horse and while still behind him, reached over to ask Taco to move over so I could get the other side of my horse. He woke up enough to turn into me then kicked me twice, in each shin, with new shoes my husband had just put on him the day before. I was still behind my horse and I’m glad he didn’t end up kicking my horse and breaking his legs like he almost did mine. That was a long time ago and I’m still wary behind horses. I can still hear that CRACKCRACK*
You’re not alone!
I had about the same thing happen with an old pony I had. I came up behind him and I think grabbed a fly wrap on his leg. He kicked me but not as hard as your horse. So I was not hurt that bad but I was really mad at myself for doing something that stupid. This pony was at the bottom of the totem pole and I am sure he thought another horse came up to him to bite him. I never gave him any warning that I was there and I am sure it was a startle response on his end. So I learned a lesson the hard way - don’t sneak up on your horses from behind.
If you had not felt anxious after you got hurt that would be bad. Your mind is telling you to be careful. I would take it slow getting over it. I used to have a real phobia about driving over a certain bridge on the interstate. Something about water being underneath the bridge and it rising up over the horizon. Driving over it would get me sweaty palmed and almost in a panic attack. Which is not good when you are the driver. So I would find a radio station and rock out as I was driving over. Then I would focus on the car in front of me and I didn’t get so anxious. Then I found if I focused on the water and not look at the bridge I was even less anxious. Now it doesn’t freak me out like before. Maybe focus on different things and find which ones make you less anxious and try to think about them when you are around your horse.
You’ve had a lot of good information and advice above.
I just want to add that, in addition to being kind to yourself, treat yourself to buying a protective vest. Then wear it in the barn, even if you’re not going to ride, for as long as it takes for you to lose your anxiety. I have found that wearing a close-fitting protective vest is a kind of confidence booster (perhaps somewhat irrationally).
You are totally normal and far from alone. My horse related anxiety ranges from barely noticeable to couldn’t even sit on my horse for months, even with somebody leading me on a lead line.
You’ve been given excellent advice. I will only add a couple of things:
#1. Keep showing up. Don’t disappear from the barn because the longer you do, the harder it gets to go back. Make your only goal that you will walk into the barn, greet your horse at its stall door and pat it / give it a treat. When you do that, you’ve been successful. Mission accomplished.
Now, if you feel like staying and doing more like cleaning tack, watching lessons, grooming, lingering, hand walking, or riding, that’s gravy. But don’t put any pressure on yourself that you HAVE to do any of those things, because you already achieved your goal.
When doing just that enough times makes you stop dreading going to the barn, make a new goal. And again it can be baby steps, depending on your comfort. Maybe it’s bringing your horse out into the cross ties. You decide what the next tiny step is. You are in control of that, which is important to remember when we have an accident or situation we couldn’t control.
#2 definitely try a few sessions with a counsellor or psychologist experienced in PTSD or trauma related anxiety, because that’s pretty much what you’re going through. Don’t minimize how traumatic the incident felt to you just because you weren’t physically badly hurt. That doesn’t make your feelings any less valid because the trauma and fear are real. The risk is real and you’ve uncovered a real vulnerability. That can be terrifying to recognize, especially if you have other people who depend on you.
You’ll get through this, I’m sure, but professional help really does help! Please keep us posted on your progress.
Tons and tons of great advice here. I support going to the barn to chill, observe, totally low pressure at a distance (if needed) stuff. Maybe take a thermos of hot cocoa and watch a lesson or two from the sidelines.
I seem to get hurt more on the ground than in the saddle. It is the nature of horses, and ultimately we should never let our guard down, especially with a horse who has never hurt us and whom we’ve known for decades. I love the suggestion of singing/talking when working around horses as a way to inform them of your whereabouts. Even with the steady, half asleep schoolies at the barn, I still keep a hand on them at all times when picking feet/moving around them for any reason. That was a lesson instilled in me as a child that I’ve never been able to shake (rightly so).
Sometimes accidents still happen despite every precaution. They are big creatures with a deep-running instinct for self preservation. Be gentle with yourself.
You’ve received some wonderful advice from other posters above. Just think baby steps—if all you can do is go to the barn and sit in your car for a few minutes, then that’s fine. Next time, maybe you can get out of your car and walk around a little bit. Don’t push yourself over threshold.
I had a similar (although much less serious) incident with my mare a few weeks ago, who is normally a saint and would normally never offer to kick anyone. The barn dog trots under her, chickens walk under her, you could probably crawl under her—she’s great. But she has a case of scratches and I pull off scabs, which she’s also normally great about.
I came back after being in the tack room and my mare had her head leaned into an (empty) stall eating hay off the floor (the ties are in front of the stalls), so her head was behind a solid board wall and she couldn’t see me—she didn’t realize I’d come back. Like a fool, I, without saying anything, squatted down next to her back legs and pulled off a scab without touching her anywhere else first. Understandably, she startled and flailed with her back leg, accidentally kicking me in the knee and knocking me onto my butt. She looked horrified when she realized it was me that she kicked. I was lucky and walked away with just a bruised knee.
Knowing what happened helped me to move on easily and I’m now comfortable squatting down next to her back legs again… although she definitely doesn’t move a muscle when I’m squatting next to her rear end now.
Hopefully understanding the situation will make it easier for you to get over. Your mare didn’t actually kick at YOU, she kicked at something that showed up out of nowhere and surprised her. Nothing in her personality has changed from what you thought you knew about her. She would have reacted so quickly that she didn’t even think about it before she kicked.
She’s still the same sweet mare, but you have just learnt to talk to her as you approach her, and to be especially careful if you are walking out from behind something or from around a corner. The only lesson to take from this should be not to “sneak up on her” (or any other horse), and the easiest way to get around this is to just make it a habit to always talk to her when you approach her. If you do it every single time, even when she’s clearly looking at you, then it will become second nature to you.
Many years ago I was opening a stall door to feed my horse. At that precise moment, someone outside the barn turned on a chain saw. My normally calm horse freaked out, pushed out the door, which hit me hard in the ribs and sent me flying. My horse proceeded to jump over my prone body. As I lay there, looking for my glasses which had gone flying, the pain was intense. A trip to the ER revealed two cracked ribs. I’m grateful that he didn’t step on me. It could have been worse. The point being, horses are reactive. I didn’t hold it against him, but I have been much more careful handling all horses going forward.
I do think it’s important to remember that your horse wasn’t trying to hurt YOU. It was an instinctive reaction based on being a prey animal. I’ve worked around horses that intentionally tried to hurt people, and that would scare me far more than the horse that inadvertently hurt me because it reacted to an external stimulus.
I was hit in the face by a friend! She didn’t mean to (at least not that time) She is a naturally nervous person and she was standing reading something intently. I walked up from behind and stood next to her and touched her on the shoulder. She jumped and flailed her arms and one hit me square across my face! 
Anything or anyone can be startled and react physically.
That’s a good point. The rational portion of our brains tries to, well, rationalize the lizard brain’s neon DANGER!! signals by trying to assign associations to them. The problem bases on the research I’ve explored regarding this phenomenon as it relates to financial habits? The rational brain makes inaccurate associations more often than not.
OP, if it hasn’t already been suggested, meditation could potentially help. The goal is to recognize the first signs of the fear response and eventually train yourself to replace the fear with new, healthier thought patterns & behaviors. Example: in Mind Over Money, financial psychologists Ted & Brad Klontz give exercises for identifying, confronting, and replacing dysfunctional money behaviors. A big one is to when a financial situation arises that triggers your lizard brain reaction is to imagine how a person who is already [insert healthy financial pattern here] would handle this.
Applying this same technique to the situation with your horse, then, possible solutions might look something like asking a trusted wing(wo)man to be present & exploring ahead of time exactly what you might need from them. Stand between you and the horse? Hold the horse’s back feet while you pick them? Handle all the grooming of the back half? Make a step by step mental plan for if you get overwhelmed & need to make a quick exit.
I have episodes of severe, non-specific anxiety centered on riding. Something that helps me personally when I’m going through an episode is to remind myself that behind those big eyes is an intelligent, sentient being, who has his or her own anxieties about our relationship. That being also operates by their own system of logic, yet to fit into their place in my (human) world often modifies their behavior to override what is rational by their system of logic. And sometimes, they slip up a bit (like what happened here).
Totally normal! A decade ago, my horse slipped on wet grass, went over and I came out of it with a pretty badly broken elbow, months of physio and two surgeries etc. To this day, I get nervous on anything, not just horses, when it tilts to the side. Can’t use a ride on mower across more than a gently slope, could never ride a motorbike etc.
Back in June, my young horse spooked while I was leading her, knocked me over and resulted in 3 fractures in one foot. Totally unpredictable, nothing that I did wrong, nothing the horse did wrong, just an unfortunate accident. I’m not nervous of her, although I do keep my wits about me a bit more on the ground with her. I am nervous about the foot potentially being re-injured, I don’t do well as an invalid!
I have anxiety in general, and it can definitely be debilitating. If it’s so bad that it prevents you from going anywhere near your horse, seeing a professional may assist with developing some techniques that help you to manage and work through it. I find recognising the anxiety for what it is to be very helpful for me. Start back small with the horse, doing what you can tolerate. If that means only going to watch, and staying well away from the animal to begin, well so be it!
I too have mounting anxiety. I find it particularly hard to dissuade as the one moment you’re truly truly off balance between the ground and the horse.
OP, personally, I’d just step away from the situation. Your mare is fine being taken care of by the barn (it sounds like you are not directly responsible for her care). You can simply take a break. If any nosy barnmates ask, you can tell them you weren’t feeling well after the accident, maybe you were sore.
I think, as horse people, eventually our desire to be around them outweighs the anxiety you have about how scary they can be sometimes. There’s no one on this board who can say they’ve never been scared around a horse before.
Reiterating what everyone has said, be kind to yourself. Sometimes accidents are inevitable.
Years ago I was loading a bombproof, been all over the east coast, easy peasy, trustworthy lesson pony on the trailer. As I was latching the gate, a group of trespassers on their dirtbikes flew by and kicked rocks up on the trailer. I don’t remember what happened after that, but I do remember waking up to the jaws of life cutting myself and the two other horses out of the trailer. The horses weren’t at fault. I wasn’t at fault. It was just a freak accident.
I’m very cautious when I load. Escape doors are my friend and they make me more comfortable. I’m not afraid to ask anyone I’m with to be efficient. It’s probably borderline annoying, but when I explain why they understand.
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