No advice, but sending jingles and hugs. Take care of yourself; you are carrying a heavy burden.
And anyone who thinks they are completely immune from losing it all is delusional. Divorce, disability, illness, job loss all happen and “there but for the grace of God go I”. Thinking of you.
Prayers, jingles and hugs to you and your daughter, hundredacres. You’re being rational, compassionate and smart in the face of an awful situation.
Tough times don’t last, but tough people do.
[QUOTE=wendy;7226199]
well, I still don’t get it- I’m not stupid enough to let myself or my animals become financially dependent on some man. I’ve had one man walk out on me, and I walked out on one man, and I kept the animals, of course. If you had children, would you put them to death because some man walked out? of course not. Why would you set yourself up for mass killing of your dependents because your man walked out? it’s very predictable- more than 50% of relationships fail, and men are notorious for failing to provide for dependents. You plan for the worst. If you can’t support the animal on your own, sans SO, you don’t accept it’s care in the first place.
You’re an adult. Accept responsibility. Killing or dumping your dependents is the height of irresponsibility.
As is becoming financially dependent on other people. That’s what children do. Not adults. If you can’t stand on your own feet, you have no business acquiring or birthing dependents.[/QUOTE]
HundredAcres- all of my hugs, thoughts, positive energy, and love is heading your way; and will continue to do so.
And Wendy [edit]; you’re an incredibly judgmental, close minded, hateful individual.
Having a different opinion is fine.
Having a different opinion and expressing it in a way you know is going to hurt someone while they’re already down is NOT FINE.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself. And if you’re not by now- Karma has a way of bringing things back around. So when you’re done screeching from your self-built soapbox, I hope you take some time for deep personal reflection. Your lack of empathy and compassion (and common sense) is disturbing. To put it clearly: you disgust me.
At any rate, I’ll be staying tuned, OP. PM me if you need any other ears or shoulders. I’ve got 2 of each and would be happy to lend them.
Oh, and {{{{{HUGS}}}}}}
OP, just want to give you a cyber hug. Hopefully your soon -to -be- ex will want to keep things civilized. Just remember that the law will not allow one spouse to impoverish another in life or in death but it does allow an attorney to impoverish both. (I’m not suggesting that you just play nice and let yourself be walked over but if you and he can be civilized and reasonable, you will both come out with a lot more than if you have a knock-down, drag-out.)
I haven’t read all the posts, but imo, though it is very hard, likely the best and most ethical decision is to euthanize the at risk horses. You are not an ogre, you took them on and gave them more years than they would have had otherwise. Now your situation has changed. Euthing them is a better choice because rescues are over full and CL and this board and everywhere we turn there are free horses offered and not enough homes for them.
As for your daughter, concentrate with her on enjoying the horses that are able to keep and emphasize the extra years the other horses had and that they went very peacefully, and the decision was made because you were afraid what would happen to them etc.
Imo kids can accept and understand things explained in a kind manner and she will trust you because she knows you wont’ lie to her.
OP, hus and jingles.
Wendy, what I have to say about you would get me banned.
HUGS, not hus. But you know what I meant.
A problem I can see is the expense of the horses and how the divorce plays out for cause. 7 (?) horses is a lot of horses, even moreso when a lot aren’t rideable…will this enter into the divorce proceedings? I sure can see it being an issue brought up, can’t you? “Your honour, my client worked hard and his wife over time became an animal hoarder, collecting all sorts of crippled horses…these animals became a contention that she wouldn’t give up”. If you put them to sleep, you would give credence to that sort of claim. “She only wanted these horses as long as he was paying for them.” A problem.
Just one thing to consider…remember, we don’t know the facts (none of our business)…but don’t make any changes right now…who knows what’ll happen when the dust settles and the lawyers talk. Always be honest with your lawyer.
Even I thought Wendy was being tough…but I think she’s just making comments that apply to so many of the COTH womenfolk, who when a divorce hits, they’re all whingeing about not being able to afford their horses on their own earnings…and saying don’t be a prisoner to another’s earnings to support yourself.
[QUOTE=Trakehner;7228731]
Even I thought Wendy was being tough…but I think she’s just making comments that apply to so many of the COTH womenfolk, who when a divorce hits, they’re all whingeing about not being able to afford their horses on their own earnings…and saying don’t be a prisoner to another’s earnings to support yourself.[/QUOTE]
Like you said, it’s none of our business what the OP’s exact financial situation is.
But IN GENERAL, it’s perfectly possible to be supporting your (the general “your”) horses on 100% your own income if you’re only responsible for HALF of all the household bills.
When that changes, and all of a sudden you’re responsible for 100% of the bills, then yeah, the horses can be hard to afford.
It’s not fair to assume that anyone having to sell horses due to divorce is selling them because hubby is no longer paying. They could have very well been paying for them the whole time out of their own income, while also pulling their share of the marriage bills.
[QUOTE=Trakehner;7228731]
think she’s just making comments that apply to so many of the COTH womenfolk, who when a divorce hits, they’re all whingeing about not being able to afford their horses on their own earnings…and saying don’t be a prisoner to another’s earnings to support yourself.[/QUOTE]
I agree with this entirely, with the caveat that when children are involved, as is the case here, often parents make the (good) decision that one is to give up outside work entirely or else take a lesser job in order to be more available for the children, and often that’s what kicks women in the teeth when divorce rolls around. They’ve lost years of rising income and promotions at work in order to do what’s best for their family. The right choice which is now hurting them.
Not saying that’s the case here, but it’s certainly very common.
From looking around - and reading COH - there are indeed “so many of the COTH womenfolk, who when a divorce hits, they’re all whingeing about not being able to afford their horses on their own earnings…”
We’re not talking about illness or job loss here, or having given up earnings in order to raise children, but the fact that far too many women are entirely dependent on earnings not their own.
Jingles for the OP.
Glad you found yourself a good lawyer.
Also glad you are ignoring Wendy. Oh my talk about hitting someone when they are down.
Well if it helps any-grant I read fast–but I think you would be justified without guilt in euthing a few of the horses right now regardless of the divorce (e.g. the pasture lame haffy and real real oldster- as the oldsters can go wrong so fast).
The only iffy one is the 20 year old-perhaps a well placed lease so you have some control over her end?
But I think this same discussion could be happening even if she were in good solid financial state-it is a problem we all face–when to let disabled and/or old horses that we have lovingly provided for go.
I had a husband who made a great living as a contractor. I had a great government job, the kind that never goes bad. We built a beautiful farm, had several nice horses, lots of dogs. A happy life. And then I lost my job and my husband began having an issue keeping his jeans on where other women were concerned, and developed a love affair with alcohol, and my life was in jepopardy every day. From feast to famine if you will. I was forced to rehome several large dogs who COULD NOT move to town in my rental cotage with me. i had to give away a very nice dressage horse to a friend. I had to let my boarders find other places. All because of circumstance beyond my control. I was lucky that seven of the dogs are under 6 pounds and my greyhound is sly enough to live indoors where the landlord doesn’t ever see her. My remaining three horses went by the GRACE OF GOD to my friend’s farm where two are leased in the barn and I am able to keep my personal horse in luxury, free of charge because my friend loves me and knows what it would do to me to lose him.
We cannot see the future and can only do the best with today. So (wendy)don’t be so quick to judge. There but for the grace of God, karma, and all that.
[QUOTE=GoForAGallop;7228840]
But IN GENERAL, it’s perfectly possible to be supporting your (the general “your”) horses on 100% your own income if you’re only responsible for HALF of all the household bills. When that changes, and all of a sudden you’re responsible for 100% of the bills, then yeah, the horses can be hard to afford.
It’s not fair to assume that anyone having to sell horses due to divorce is selling them because hubby is no longer paying. They could have very well been paying for them the whole time out of their own income, while also pulling their share of the marriage bills.[/QUOTE]
I didn’t say it was the truth, I said it was something that could be used in divorce proceedings by the lawyers to show he was carrying an unreasonable expense and some was guessing what Wendy was getting at in a rough way…truth has nothing to do with emotional attacks and justifications for a defense. A problem with horses is…they’re expensive. Multiple horses can be a fortune…there’s not a lot of sympathy for horse owners and their expenses…some is class envy and some is jealousy…divorces bring out emotions and both parties are fighting for their future.
I wish the Op good luck…just expect to hear about your horses in the discovery questions.
Hugs and jingles to you. I am glad you got a better lawyer.
[QUOTE=wendy;7225658]
I’ve never understood why people feel the need to get rid of animals just because their SO walked out? do people get rid of their kids when the SO walks out? hardly ever. So why the animals?[/QUOTE]
Adding someone else to my “blocked” list. :mad:
OP - I am so sorry you are going through this, but you are obviously very intelligent and are thinking through all your options. I just wanted you to know that it certainly sounds like whatever you decide will be in the best interests of you, your daughter and your dear animals. :sadsmile:
Again, my thanks to all of you. Many good points have been brought up to ponder. I’ve received a lot of PM’s and I may not get to each one…so thank you all so much for taking the time out to share your stories and offer your support. Wow, it’s overwhelming.
Edited details out. I shouldn’t feel defensive :(.
It doesn’t matter at all whose name is on what - everything is divided. For anyone who thinks that you can remain independent and be married, keeping finances separate, I recommend that you don’t get married in the state of Indiana. What belongs to each of us, belongs to this marriage. That is the law.
hundredacres, you don’t need to share details. Wishing you all the best, and I know whereof I speak. I lost two superb horses themselves, plus the showing, training, and lots of other things, in my divorce, because we’d agreed that I - who never thought I’d EVER “stay at home with the kids” - did just that, and suddenly was alone with no alimony, no child support (eventually got some court ordered, but it wasn’t enough to board a dog with, let alone raise children), and having to pick up your pre-schoolers at daycare no later than 6pm knocks out a lot of high-end jobs.
Anyway, we all made it through GREAT but it was a horrible number of years.
Thank you Anne.
OP - having been in the divorce situation, the only advice I can give you is to get yourself squared away financially ASAP. I commend your decision and even recommend selling the farm if feasible. I had some pretty scary times financially, but was fortunately able to sell my horse before the expenses did me in. You are doing a humane thing for your horses. Can you speak with a counselor or your daughter’s pediatrician on how to talk to her? ((((hugs))))
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