I'm the dreaded horse mom

[Lunabear1988]

This is more a laugh with me or at me thread than looking for advice. Awhile back there was a thread about the parent who gets too involved in their kid’s lessons. I was cracking up because that’s SO me right now.

I’ve been riding for over 20 years, owned plenty, lived on a farm, was a working student, worked at a feed store, worked for a vet. And I’m a Dressage rider so you get the picture. I’m basically obsessed and have been since I was 7 years old.

I’ve actually really not pushed my daughter into horses because for one thing, I think it’s a really hard sport. I’ve had plenty of heart ache, physical injuries and I just take it too seriously. And I think kids should do their own. I don’t care if it’s dancing or art. Everyone should find things they enjoy.

But she’s increasingly showing interest in riding these days. I am fully supportive because we all know there are great things to be learned at the barn. She’s blooming with confidence that she doesn’t have always in other areas of life. It’s great for her.

But oh my gosh, I’m having to make myself go get coffee or something during her lessons. I can’t not step in and help. The instructor claims she enjoys having me there but I would be annoyed. To be fair, this instructor is just starting out and finding her way in her teaching. So I think that’s part of it. I just want to help everyone ha ha.

I’m stepping away so she can have her lesson time with only one instructor (not a side instructor from her mom!!)

Sometimes you just have to let them learn and struggle a bit to find their own way. It’s so hard to do for some reason but I know its best if I shut my mouth…

So for the instructor who posted that other thread, I fully apologize for parents like me! I fully recognize how rediculous it can be.

[OverandOnward]

Lots of parents are better off to distance themselves from their child’s athletics. Be the cheerleader and logistics coordinator, and hands off from there.

Think of how proud you will be later, when she is accomplishing things, and you know that it is truly from her own work, not yours.

If I were her instructor, I’d provide you with a place on the other side of the barn to relax and catch up on things. Or suggest that this is a good time to do some errands.

[anon6003733]

del

[Lunabear1988]

@OverandOnward yes! It’s one those things that you think “that would never be me!” And here I am… Lol

I am very encouraging too (she really does a great job) but she is also a perfectionist type and stuff that she does and I don’t want to add to that pressure.

The instructor just laughs it off. She does sometimes ask for my help (I’ll hold the horse or go get forgotten tack, clean up manure or put poles away.) Although I am sure it has to be a bittersweet thing. Sure it’s helpful sometimes, but annoying other times. I don’t want to make her feel like she’s not doing a good enough job on her own.

So yes, I’m stepping away from the lessons. Thankfully there is a new coffee shop around the corner and I can at least run to go get coffee, and set my car or the lounge and read a book! Sometimes I tune up some horses for boarders when she’s riding too and I try to go to a separate arena.

[Lunabear1988]

@anon6003733 glad I’m not alone! Yes I want her to feel supportive but heck, right now I’m driving the bus. It’s her journey and I’m definitely interjecting my own too much on her. She likes to talk about her ride afterwards but she does tell me “Okay that’s enough, let’s talk about something else.”

She told me yesterday that she wants me to back off. She said even though I have a lot of good tips that almost always work, she wants this to be on her own. I have to respect that.

[moonlitoaksranch]

I tried teaching our son to ride, and it went well, for the most part. His Shetland was a better teacher, lol. I was trying to refine his riding posture a little, and it didn’t really work. Sent him to a week long summer horse day camp, and he did great! I watched the lessons, but had no trouble with hands off because I had already tried. He learned much more riding other horses and came out of it with a feel for his own abilities because he rode around other kids.

If your daughter has individual lessons, that’s great for her, but if you see her fizzle in motivation, maybe group lessons or camp might help?

[candyappy]

@Lunabear1988

I’m stepping away so she can have her lesson time with only one instructor (not a side instructor from her mom!!)

This is the best thing you can do to keep a good relationship with your daughter and her instructor.

I was (still am) a horse crazy person and I was so happy that my parents left me all to myself when I showed( teens into my 20’s). I never did lessons but I would have hated having my parent( s) draped over the rail and butting in. My friends at the stable who showed weren’t so lucky.

[shiloh]

And good for you for listening and respecting her wishes. I have seen too many that can’t. The poor child has to be perfect in everything so winds up enjoying nothing because of overbearing parent(s). And the kids only learn that mommy will pick up after them and they never get to grow or learn life lessons that are so needed later on. Like: you can’t always have your way, every word that falls out of your mouth is not gold and no, the world does not revolve around you.

But having said that I would rather have people like you around rather than the negative nellies that squash everything the child is interested in.

[Lunabear1988]

@moonlitoaksranch yes it’s so hard not try and perfect their position! Lol for me it’s because I know it will be easier once that’s solid. But, she wants to hear it from someone else

She really is enjoying private lessons right now but I think in the future group lessons will be good. Sometimes she is shy in groups but maybe riding will help that. She did a camp last night but brought a friend with her.

She wants to jump eventually so I’m sure lots of group lessons will be in our future!

[Lunabear1988]

@candyappy yes I would have hated it too so I know it must be done. Even if my intentions are good!

[Lunabear1988]

@shiloh yes! I don’t want to be that parent. My daughter is already overachieving at school. Honestly I’m very laid back and kind of disorganized, I’m not sure why she’s so great in school BUT I don’t want to add to any pressure or anything. She naturally does that herself and always has been kind of a perfectionist that wants to figure things out on her own.

And I agree so much of the great lessons in horsemanship need to be learned without mom helping. The slight struggle and hard work is a very important part and I’m grateful for what it taught me! Now it’s her turn!

[Momateur]

I know exactly what you mean! My 12 year old daughter rides (and I’ve been riding 30 years…yikes). It drives me absolutely bananas when I see something wrong that the trainer doesn’t correct. But I’m really working on keeping my mouth shut. I try to ride during her lessons so I can sorta watch, but I stay busy flatting my own horse. It’s harder for me to be know-it-all Mom when Dobbin is dragging me around the ring.

[S1969]

If you otherwise trust the instruction, then I agree - go get a coffee or bring a book and go sit in your car. If you find that you want to step in and correct the instructor - sometimes you have to listen to your gut. My daughter rode somewhere that I thought had dangerous practices and I had to change barns. Nothing happened, but I kept asking myself “if she got hurt now, would I regret letting her ride here…” and I kept answering “yes” to myself.

The next barn was not as “fun” but I never felt like I had to step in at all. It was a nice relief to actually be able to NOT watch.

[Mango20]

I’ve watched most of my son’s lessons, but have always been able to keep my mouth shut during them. I have been guilty of giving him my opinions on the way home, though.

[moonlitoaksranch]

Hey, you know what, I am not that innocent. I will correct safety issues. No matter how sweet, and old, and trusted your school horse is, let my kid do something unsafe twice and it’s a habit that will follow him back to our barn.

[Lunabear1988]

@Momateur yes! I unfortunately had to put my horse down this summer but I guess that’s why it wasn’t a problem before. I was always doing something. Now I’m standing around and wanting to help!

I can exercise some other horses or get a book next time.

[Lunabear1988]

@S1969 you know, everything is fine safety wise. It’s more that I feel the instructor isn’t doing enough or not in the order I would.

Not sure if I’m being too picky or if that means there needs to be a new program in our future.

Things like not catching that her heels are up or not putting her on the lunge line to work on things. But in some ways, letting my daughter struggle a little isn’t such a bad thing. I’m just not sure it’s the most effective for actual progression.

Either way my daughter wants to jump so I was planning on finding a new program by this summer.

[Momateur]

Those things are the exact things that annoy me. When DD’s toe is down and her foot is 3/4 into the stirrup, I can barely control myself. The trainer TELLS her, but doesn’t do anything to correct it. I can think of five different exercises that would help, but because I’m mom and not trainer, mouth stays shut. Maybe we’re in the same boat with needing to find new programs. But it really is so hard.

[Lunabear1988]

Well at least I’m not alone in my feelings lol!!

I just want to get her on a lunge line again ha ha. Not for the ENTIRE lesson but occasionally would do wonders I think. It’s so hard to steer and work on your position, especially when they are so small!

[Momateur]

100% absolutely!! Heck, I could probably stand a lunge line lesson!