You guys, you’re amazing. Really.
Ok, so I have a few confessions to make - to myself and to you.
My pain doctor did not leave me completely without options. In fact, I think he gave me some pretty good ones, I was just so mad and angry and in denial that I didn’t want them. OHSU has a pretty comprehensive pain management center and a great physical therapy program. He referred me to a pain management psychologist and to physical therapy and he wants me to see him again after the initial consultations/evaluations. Yeah, his bedside manner lacks tact and he is very blunt, but maybe for someone like me, that’s what I need.
So after a very long day I drove out to see my mare - the one solid rock in my life who is always there for me. I sat in the stall next to her while she was munching away and I just cried. I was so scared. Every once in a while she would nuzzle my head like “Mom, you’re kind of weird, but you feed me so I love you.” I realized when I was sitting there, after bemoaning how damned hard it is to actually live my life, that if I want to take care of her (and I do - I love her more than I can express. She’s been the only constant, good thing in my life for the past 7 years. She has saved my life on more than one occasion) I have to get better. I can’t be everything she needs me to be when I’m such a mess. I hugged her and I promised her (again, like I’ve done so many times) that I would never leave her and I would do whatever it takes to give her the best life I possibly can. After all she’s done for me, she deserves nothing less.
When I came home, my two kitties were waiting for me, like they always are. My little one flopped over and demanded tummy rubs and the not-so-bright one just curled up on my lap and started purring like there was no tomorrow. I love those kitties almost as much as I love my mare. I want to be healthy for them too.
It was a long, pretty sleepless night. I was up just thinking about everything and what I need to do. Just before I finally fell asleep I decided that I am going to pursue the treatment options my doctor gave me. Maybe the first visit didn’t go so well, but maybe he was having a bad day. But I think it would be kind of foolish to just throw it all out the window without even trying. So I will. I asked one of my very dearest friends to go with me, because I am going to need some support I think and I’m ready to do this on my own - by that I mean doing it without my mom. She’s been to every appointment with me since the accident and she is kind of controlling my healthcare, let alone my life. It’s like she wants to be the mom she never was. But I’m almost 23 years old, I’m independent as hell (something she taught me in a twisted way to be), and I need to take back that independence and control I lost after the TBI. Besides, she doesn’t want me to pursue this treatment option - she wants me to see the ortho dr - but I do. I have to do SOMETHING to make the pain go away. Why not start here?
And as far as the mental health goes. I’ve already said I want to get better, but I’ve wanted that for a long time. The old standby method “of deny and ignore until it fixes itself” is clearly not working here, but I was still in denial. But when I was up last night trying to study to take my mind off things, I thought about everything I want to do with my life: become a great physician to help people like me who have gone through brain injuries and orthopedic injuries and rehabilitation and all those things…things that no one who actually treats people like that knows how it feels to BE a person like that. How I want to ride and become the best rider I can be, how I want to become the best endurance athlete I can be, and how someday I want to have a solid, stable family and be the best mother I can be to however many children I am blessed with. As I was thinking about that, I said “no matter what…” and just as I said that I looked up to the wall where all my myriad of show ribbons and road race numbers are pinned to my wall, and just above all of those is a wall sticker with the quote from Thoreau that says " Go confidently in the direction of your dreams." I realized that’s what I’m going to do. No matter what, I’m going to go confidently in the direction of my dreams. And then I looked over to the framed collage my mom made me of photos from the horse trials my mare and I did after she was hit by a car and fought her way back to me. It has some of my favorite pictures of us put together and a quote that says “Courage is the ability to overcome obstacles along the course.” This whole thing - the TBI, epilepsy, the mental health battle - everything is just another obstacle along my course. I seem to have a few more obstacles than a lot of people, but also a hell of a lot less than some of the most courageous people I know. If they can do it, so can I.
When I woke up this morning and an unholy early hour, the only thing I wanted to do was stay in my bed for the rest of my life. It was warm and safe there and I wouldn’t have to face anything. But I said no. I got up and I did something I haven’t done in weeks. I went running. No watch, no music, no heart rate monitor, no GPS. Just me and my heart and my lungs and my legs carrying me to somewhere I need to go. I only ran about 2.5 miles (holy cow am I ever out of shape) and I didn’t look at the time, I didn’t try to track my pace, I didn’t let the endurance athlete take over my run. I made ME take over my run. It was like I was taking control of my life again. I was saying “Pain, you no longer control me. Ef you. Brain injury, seizures, you guys are here to stay, so let’s be friends.” So many thoughts were going through my head, but I was able to sort some of them out. I’m ready to take control again.
I don’t know if I have bipolar disorder. I don’t know if I have PTSD. I do know that I have been diagnosed on more than one occasion with anxiety disorder and clinical depression, and ADHD when I was very young. I do know that I need help to sort this whole thing out. My psychologist at school has been so amazing at helping me sort through the TBI and epilepsy, but I’ve also been holding back a lot of things from him. I don’t want to do that anymore. He asked for a copy of the neuropsychological assessment I did in January, and I’m dropping off a copy for him today. On that report he’ll see something that I’ve denied him access to and that I’ve denied myself: my “clinically significant” mania score and the “at-risk” scores for sense of inadequacy, somatization, and attention from the Behavior Assessment System. We are going to go over the full report together because there is a lot of psychology jargon that I don’t really understand, and we’ll talk about it then. I’ll talk to the pain management psychologist too, and I will try my hardest to disclose everything that could be important.
I don’t know what the true issue is that’s going on here, and I know none of you know exactly what it is nor should you try to tell me. But the advice and support you’ve given me just over the last 18 hours reminds me of why I come here so often. Because we’re a group of people that struggle and fight together to take back what has been taken from us.
I’m ready to do that. I’m ready to try anything. Medication, psychotherapy, physical therapy, alternative treatments…anything that has the possibility of helping me out of this mess.
But right now I have an immediate obstacle to overcome: it’s dead week and finals week is sneaking up with all the grace of an elephant on amphetamines. I’m taking 19 credits this term and three of my classes are going ridiculously well, as is my year-long research project (who knew collecting forage samples could be so much fun?! People look at you weird when they open your freezer and it’s full of ziplock bags of pasture grass!), but my biochemistry grade could use some help. It’s completely salvageable at this point, but not if I procrastinate anymore. So this week - until next Tuesday at 9:30 am - is going to be a biochemistry study marathon (throw in some MCAT prep stuff to…the time doth speedily come for that as well :/). I study best by myself, but I’ve got a lot of friends in that class who can help me when I need them. I’m going to be ready for this final. I’m gonna own it and I’m going to have a killer GPA this term, the next term, and every term after so that when medical schools look at my application they’ll say “Hey, this kid is killer. She is going to be a great physician.”
The obstacles ahead of me are going to be pretty damn tough. But I think I’m ready.
