Is your trainer a bad communicator?

[BayMareRd]

I’ve been at my barn for over a year now, and I love the facility, care and instruction. But the trainers’ behavior is sometimes baffling to me.

My main trainer will leave texts and emails unanswered when I have a question or need something scheduled (like horse bodywork appts), and will often duck out of the barn after teaching seemingly in an attempt to avoid talking to any clients (like quickly get in her car, which she parked next to the ring instead of the parking lot, and drive away).

One of the other trainers will sometimes pointedly look away from clients if she’s riding/walking by. Not even a friendly wave?

My main trainer will answer questions when I’m standing in front of her, but it sometimes feels like I’m cornering her, after the unanswered messages and seeing her duck away. So then I feel uncomfortable. But I wouldn’t have to chase her down at the barn if she’d just answer my text!

I am not a client that asks a million questions every day or even every week, but this behavior is so weird to me. Even just a thumbs up response to “can you schedule my horse for chiropractic” would be great. I just get radio silence some months. I recently leased out one of my horses and she took a week to send me back the signed lease contract. I thought this was too long to forward along a simple email?

I have heard parents comment that they see the back of the trainer as they’re walking away from them more than they see their face. Which is kind of funny… but also… I can’t help but take this personally. I’m not sure what I did?

I understand these are people who probably prefer animals to people. But I consider myself a good client who pays on time every month and shows up for all my scheduled lessons. I even go to shows! And I often feel like I’m ignored. What gives.

[OverandOnward]

Obviously not comfortable with people and hasn’t overcome that in the interests of their career … and probably won’t change.

There is an adage that managers tend to hire people that are at least somewhat like themselves. So while your main trainer may find a space for someone who is more friendly (maybe consciously trying to dilute their own distant demeanor), it should be no surprise that most of their staff are likely to also not be great communicators.

I wouldn’t take it personally.

Can you make personal contact with the chiro and other providers and schedule your horse yourself? Is it considered ok to do things like the contracts directly, does the trainer have to be the go-between? A lot of your delays and roadblocks could be resolved if you can deal directly without upsetting any apple carts. That is what I have done to know when the farrier is coming more than an hour in advance, or no advance notice at all.

[BayMareRd]

Thanks for your reply. It does put things in perspective. Especially about how managers tend to hire people like them. And I suppose I am more observant/sensitive to how people act around me than others.

This was the first time I leased out one of my horses with this barn so I was trying to go through what I thought were the “correct” avenues because I didn’t want to appear like I was cutting anyone out of anything, over-stepping or passive-aggressively suggesting that I don’t think they’re capable. But I think in the future I will send my horse back to the sale/lease barn I used prior and had a good experience with.

I am not sure if I can contact the chiro myself, because the main trainer handles everything in her book (or is supposed to. things often get mixed up).

[Willesdon]

My trainer is a weathercock: her moods can swing round unexpectedly and I never know if it will be friendly person, grumpy person or don’t even know you person that I will meet of a day. However, I have 200% faith that she is fully capable of communicating effectively and whenever necessary about horse care and riding. Many horsepeople tend to prefer the horses to the people.

[Impractical_Horsewoman]

noting here that I am not a people person

I’ve had trainers who were brutally, uncomfortably blunt and not great with paperwork. But what you’ve described sounds like someone who is managing a busy training operation and doesn’t have an administrative assistant trainer to handle stuff like email, paperwork, and other things like that. “Just one quick text or email” may sound like nothing, but if you have 10+ boarders all texting you, all the time, all day, you end up bracketing specific days rather than hours to catch up. Or even just one day a week.

Also, you might not be “the boarder” who texts and emails absolute nonsense, but there might be one client who IS or she may have one client who was, and carefully budgets her energy as a result. Ditto the employees.

Re: saying, “hi,” yes, it can be off-putting when someone looks away, but it can also be there are some boarders or clients who would use that as an opportunity to “pounce,” either to make requests or just get into needless chatter.

Socially, I think you need to accept a trainer’s personal style, as long as the trainer isn’t outright rude. If the lack of promptness with scheduling is impacting your horse’s care and your stress levels, you might want to schedule a short meeting with her.

[Lusoluv]

If the pros of staying outweigh the cons of the trainer’s behavior, stay. If not, leave. Sounds like the social skills and biz management side of the trainer are very poor. It’s NOT going to change for you or anyone else, whether you meet with them or not, so dealing with it comes with the territory. One of the trainers/owners of my barn lacks basic social skills and I used to take it personally, until I saw them behaving this way with everyone over time. Luckily I do not work with this trainer, nor would I. They’ve never had many students longer and I don’t know why they have any. But we are in a HCOL area with limited barns, so…

[endlessclimb]

I will say that getting trapped in 30 minutes of conversation after a late “lesson” is one of the most aggravating things that happens to me on a regular basis. I gotta go, people, it’s 8:30pm.

I sympathize with the “dart to the car and leave”, though it should come with a “hey, nice ride, I gotta run. Talk to you later!” … though some people would still take offense at even that!

[OverandOnward]

SMILING, holding up a hand half-way, taking one step back, while interrupting forever-talker: “I am really, really sorry, I have to go right now, I’m late! Let’s talk about this later, we’ll catch up!” Interrupt. Talk over them. That emphasizes that you seriously cannot talk now.

And even if they keep talking, start walking away sideways, so you don’t turn your back on them. Keep smiling, wave and call out over increasing distance “I’m so sorry, we’ll talk later! I’m late!” Dive into car and drop your eyes to the dashboard and get busy leaving.

Drive away while smiling and waving again to show that you think they are great people and you so wish you could talk. Implies that it isn’t you cutting them off, there is some other reason they aren’t getting the talk-time.

Offering a “later” usually mollifies people. Even if it’s a lie. You aren’t refusing, you are deflecting & delaying.

If someone is offended over that, that’s on them. They won’t change, either. Let if happen the way it happens.

If people try to stop you while you are walking by them and it’s not welcome, you have to develop some leadership posture and eye-contact techniques and KEEP WALKING even if they start talking. Smiling helps deflect. You can call out “Talk later!”

And consider that if you do schedule and communicate appropriately, this interruption/ambush behavior may stop or greatly diminish. Most people behave that way only because they think it’s the only way they can get something they need. You can time-manage communications, but you do have to communicate to maintain business and relationships.

Pro-actively communicating will cut down on the massive inflow of text & email because they don’t have to ask so often.

A few people behave that way for attention, but most only do it when they are a bit desperate for information. If they know that they will get what they need in a timely fashion and when they will get it, they are satisfied with that.

I have had to deal with some world-class dominating talkers who just don’t quit talking. About whatever, it isn’t always even relevant. You do have to take a stand, but you can do it in a nice way and not damage the relationship. You will not be the first to manage their talking!

[OverandOnward]

There is one person on my agenda right now who does not send critical info before an appointment until I send 3 desperate reminder texts in the 4 hours right before the appointment.

Those texts interrupt her day and are a distraction to what she is doing. But if she would pass the info along to me as soon as she knew it, she wouldn’t get those three+ annoying texts.

I’ve mentioned this, and so have others having the same experience. She acknowledges the situation and agrees she should be pro-active. But she doesn’t follow through.

So she continues to set herself up to be bombarded with insistent texts throughout her day because she doesn’t communicate at the best time for her own schedule.

I’ve also had times when I was sending out information later than ideal, and it was coming back on me. Making changes on my side improved things considerably. And others recognized the change and appreciated it.

It’s worth considering if we are the root cause of some of our own problems. If we change, maybe things will get better.

[endlessclimb]

I’ll try to be more aggressive, as stopping a conversation is not something I typically have problems with. But these guys go on and on and on and on and on. They’re super duper nice people, I just don’t want to hang around the barn until 9pm unless necessary.

[BayMareRd]

Oh wow… see I don’t know if I could deal with giant moodswings like that. I think it would affect my overall experience at the barn. I go there to get away from work/relax and have something else to concentrate on besides work. I guess my trainer is at least consistent with her… inconsistency with administrative things and ducking out of the ring.

[BayMareRd]

That all makes sense. My main trainer has about 30 horses on her board so I know she is juggling a lot. She’s never been outright mean or rude, she is always friendly when I am in her office, at a show and even in a lesson. I like her teaching style. I think it’s just a little jarring and confusing to go from having her be friendly in person to her completely ghosting texts and emails and then running out of the ring at the end of a lesson. But I will keep this perspective in mind- thank you!

[BayMareRd]

See even if she waved and said “see you tomorrow!” on her way to the car I would COMPLETELY take the hint and let her go. Although maybe she thinks I or other boarders are going to be like, “WAIT! You’re leaving?! I needed to ask you something!” Lol.

To be fair, I have seen clients at other show barns corner their trainers for a literal hour at a show to talk about (seemingly) nothing important. So I know this happens. I just want to know if my horses are down for chiro this month and if that person who tried one of them is interested in leasing.

But as people have said, this is unlikely to change so, I should just roll with it as long as my horses are cared for.

[punchy]

Trainers riding horses are working, so they don’t say hi or wave or greet people who wander in the ring while they’re working. Kills me when someone thinks trainer is in a bad mood because they didn’t say hi when they’re riding.

[Impractical_Horsewoman]

Not smiling or being outwardly friendly is an interpersonal style, and I think you have to let that “go,” even if you don’t personally like it, as long as it doesn’t impact your horse’s care. I’ve known a number of trainers like that (who are successful, have good relationships with clients, but always look slightly unhappy).

Is the lack of timeliness hurting your horse’s care or just stressing you out? It’s one thing to take a long time to respond to texts and emails, and to schedule things at the last minute. It’s another to just not do stuff (like schedule a needed appointment or email a document to a vet) until it’s too late.

You could ask to do some of the scheduling, but from a trainer’s perspective, that can become even more of a logistical nightmare, because then the trainer still needs to check with the horse owner appointments and such were made at all, and at a convenient time for the barn.

Knowing how to prioritize urgency with written communication is a skill with a big learning curve for some people. But even as someone with a desk job, I’m sympathetic to your trainer. For example, I’ve had some clients demand immediate, extensive phone conferences to discuss relatively minor edits to a (frankly) easy, short blog post I was writing up that I was under-charging them for, just because it was “only a few minutes of my time.” If every person wants regular 15-20 minute conferences on a regular basis, that adds up, in addition to the tasks themselves.

[OverandOnward]

Had a phone meeting this morning that reminded me that there are two ways to time-manage certain communications.

A) - Frequent & short. One or two topics with a quick answer.

B) - Occasional and longer. Discuss the whole list, make decisions, and only do this once a month or whatever the period is.

Different styles work for different situations. A) is for people who are working together, interactively, and need to be aware of each other’s activities. B) is for people who are working independently and don’t have to be constantly aware of what the other is doing.

For the most part. Maybe A) is the barn work, and B) is the training & show schedules. Something like that.

With so many people in someone’s life, if communications aren’t actively managed, they can definitely become overwhelming. And even sometimes a negative. Millions of people realize this at some point during their life, but if feels like it is ‘just me’ to every one of us.

Maybe there needs to be some organized education, seminars maybe, about communications management for self-employed people? Might help a lot of us!

[joiedevie99]

Yes, very much so! I’ve worked with three trainers in the last few years, and two of them have downright miserable people skills. But they are amazing trainers, and amazing riders, so I deal.

[2bayboys]

Have you tried scheduling your conversations into your lessons? If you take regular private lessons, can you ask to take five minutes at the beginning or end of the lesson to have these discussions? Especially if it’s a simple scheduling question, working in into her busy day may mean you need to sacrifice a little ride time.