It's not you, it's me. Knowing it's time to quit horses

[SendenHorse]

I can see why this went badly, it’s just a bad match.

Take a year off, then ride in lessons. If you get back mojo then LEASE. No buying best of luck to you and your family

[NorthernHunter]

Be kind to yourself and be safe! I think you’ve received plenty of good advice, I’m just posting to say I hope things get better for you and that you can enjoy spending time with horses again in the future.

[cutter99]

@cloudy18

I’m sorry. You’ve had a lot happen in a relatively short time. It might not hurt to take a break and let your head clear a bit. That could take a month to a year, maybe more…but you sound like you aren’t ready to give it up totally. You do have options.

​​​​​​Do you think your confidence in this horse is completely destroyed? If so, selling might be the best option. When you’re mentally in a better place, try taking some lessons, as someone suggested, and let your instructor help you find a solid horse if you decide you want your own at some point. Don’t pressure yourself to make a decision though.

Are you willing to put in the time with the current horse? Besides the other suggestions to check his feed, etc., I think this horse doesn’t so much “have your number” as he is trying to tell you that you aren’t giving him the leadership he needs. He is sensing that you are not confident, are insecure, and he is not a horse right now that can deal with that. I’m sure you have the ability to work with a trainer and do the things necessary to get past these issues. But if you just can’t handle the thought of it, that’s okay. Everyone has deal breaker issues in horses, and if it’s just too much right now, that’s fine.

You could send him to a trainer for awhile and have them work out the worst of it, and take a break while he’s doing that. Reevaluate if and when the trainer thinks he might be what you need. You could take some lessons on him, do groundwork, start small. You can still sell him if you try this and decide it’s just not going to work. And maybe you will decide you don’t even want to try, after a month or three of training…that’s fine too.

I also think you are letting people get inside your head. Don’t let anyone pressure you into going to the barn when you don’t want to. It’s not their business. Do what you need to do to enjoy horses, if you decide to stick with it. I also think you’re getting bad advice from the boarder. Your horse is not ready to be worked in a different spot. The eventing trainer had it right, doing the lesson in a familiar place.

Don’t beat yourself up over this. Don’t listen to too much “advice”. Everyone likes to give their opinions, and I know that’s what this thread is all about, but you know what I mean…there are those people whose opinions are stated more as facts…like, “this is what you need to do”. You don’t need to do anything. Take the pressure off yourself, which is easier said than done. But push those voices out that aren’t helpful.
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Excellent post!!!

[katenreno]

@cloudy18

I’m sorry. You’ve had a lot happen in a relatively short time. It might not hurt to take a break and let your head clear a bit. That could take a month to a year, maybe more…but you sound like you aren’t ready to give it up totally. You do have options.

​​​​​​Do you think your confidence in this horse is completely destroyed? If so, selling might be the best option. When you’re mentally in a better place, try taking some lessons, as someone suggested, and let your instructor help you find a solid horse if you decide you want your own at some point. Don’t pressure yourself to make a decision though.

Are you willing to put in the time with the current horse? Besides the other suggestions to check his feed, etc., I think this horse doesn’t so much “have your number” as he is trying to tell you that you aren’t giving him the leadership he needs. He is sensing that you are not confident, are insecure, and he is not a horse right now that can deal with that. I’m sure you have the ability to work with a trainer and do the things necessary to get past these issues. But if you just can’t handle the thought of it, that’s okay. Everyone has deal breaker issues in horses, and if it’s just too much right now, that’s fine.

You could send him to a trainer for awhile and have them work out the worst of it, and take a break while he’s doing that. Reevaluate if and when the trainer thinks he might be what you need. You could take some lessons on him, do groundwork, start small. You can still sell him if you try this and decide it’s just not going to work. And maybe you will decide you don’t even want to try, after a month or three of training…that’s fine too.

I also think you are letting people get inside your head. Don’t let anyone pressure you into going to the barn when you don’t want to. It’s not their business. Do what you need to do to enjoy horses, if you decide to stick with it. I also think you’re getting bad advice from the boarder. Your horse is not ready to be worked in a different spot. The eventing trainer had it right, doing the lesson in a familiar place.

Don’t beat yourself up over this. Don’t listen to too much “advice”. Everyone likes to give their opinions, and I know that’s what this thread is all about, but you know what I mean…there are those people whose opinions are stated more as facts…like, “this is what you need to do”. You don’t need to do anything. Take the pressure off yourself, which is easier said than done. But push those voices out that aren’t helpful.
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Thank you for this. I’ve gotten some really helpful and kind words here, and your post really struck a chord.

After speaking at length with my former eventing trainer, she believes she is not the right person to take him on, and I agree and respect that. However, I have had someone recommended to me who does quite a bit of work with BLM mustangs. I went and met her yesterday and saw her facility. I really liked her and her training philosophy, and I think she will be a good fit. She’s going to take him for 60 days to start. The first 30 will be primarily her working with him, and she said I can be as present or as absent as I want. Then we can start incorporating me back into the program with him. She has a couple of horses that are extremely broke that I can ride with her to start, and then we will switch and I will ride him. She also mentioned that if at any point she feels he is not the right horse for me, she will tell me, and we can switch our focus towards finding him a home and finding me the trail horse that I actually want. She promised me that there ARE horses out there who are fine only being ridden 2 or 3 times a week and that they don’t all cost $10k.

After he leaves training, assuming I do keep him, I’m going to move him back to my old ranch. I liked it, it was significantly closer to my house, and he seemed much happier there. I moved him because I wanted him to have more space and be happier. Clearly if he isn’t happier, there is no reason to be there.
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In the meantime, my old eventing trainer is going to give me lessons on one of her clients’ horses. It’s an 18 year old Fjord that is used as a children’s therapy horse. My trainer feels strongly that I need to just be around horses and be on them and feel like it’s okay. She worries the longer I go the worse it will get. She said I can get as anxious as I want on this horse and he will still be perfectly fine. I feel like that’s a really good place to start, because she’s right. At this point, the only horse I can handle confidently is my 23 year old retiree. But being around her is like having an extension of myself. It feels so natural. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever have that again.

[Bluey]

@katenreno

Thank you for this. I’ve gotten some really helpful and kind words here, and your post really struck a chord.

After speaking at length with my former eventing trainer, she believes she is not the right person to take him on, and I agree and respect that. However, I have had someone recommended to me who does quite a bit of work with BLM mustangs. I went and met her yesterday and saw her facility. I really liked her and her training philosophy, and I think she will be a good fit. She’s going to take him for 60 days to start. The first 30 will be primarily her working with him, and she said I can be as present or as absent as I want. Then we can start incorporating me back into the program with him. She has a couple of horses that are extremely broke that I can ride with her to start, and then we will switch and I will ride him. She also mentioned that if at any point she feels he is not the right horse for me, she will tell me, and we can switch our focus towards finding him a home and finding me the trail horse that I actually want. She promised me that there ARE horses out there who are fine only being ridden 2 or 3 times a week and that they don’t all cost $10k.

After he leaves training, assuming I do keep him, I’m going to move him back to my old ranch. I liked it, it was significantly closer to my house, and he seemed much happier there. I moved him because I wanted him to have more space and be happier. Clearly if he isn’t happier, there is no reason to be there.

In the meantime, my old eventing trainer is going to give me lessons on one of her clients’ horses. It’s an 18 year old Fjord that is used as a children’s therapy horse. My trainer feels strongly that I need to just be around horses and be on them and feel like it’s okay. She worries the longer I go the worse it will get. She said I can get as anxious as I want on this horse and he will still be perfectly fine. I feel like that’s a really good place to start, because she’s right. At this point, the only horse I can handle confidently is my 23 year old retiree. But being around her is like having an extension of myself. It feels so natural. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever have that again.

Sounds like a good plan.

Don’t worry about feeling for another horse like you do the one you have you do feel so strongly for.
Each horse comes to us in different ways and we appreciate them for all their ways, no matter what and eventually, the keepers, just because they are themselves.
Most times that includes our comfort around them, as you have with your old horse.

Just keep trying, as long as you want to try.
That is the only way to answer your question.
No one knows what the future may bring.

[Kwill]

I think as older horsewomen, who have done brave things in the past but find ourselves a certain stressful times in our lives, that we can be very hard on ourselves. But I used to be able to do this! And before, I could do that! And we try to handle the horses liked we used to, when we were stronger emotionally and maybe even physically, and it all goes to crap. Then, we beat ourselves up more for not being able to accomplish our goals and being afraid. My advice is to step back, look where you are, and go from there. It’s not the time to work a young, frisky and intelligent horse that you can’t see consistently — and now it sounds like you have solved that problem. It’s ok not to want a challenge. Riding a safe horse that doesn’t want to take advantage will bring you joy and that’s what it’s all about. Sounds like you have found an opportunity for that. Do it for a while, then re-evaluate how you feel. You bought your current Arab using your prior attitude as a yardstick, but you may not be there now. For me, admitting that I am not in the riding space I was years ago is helpful and removes the pressure to perform at a some preconceived level I make for myself. All the best – it will work out for you, I am sure.