It's not you, it's me. Knowing it's time to quit horses

[katenreno]

Yes, I’m back. Not quite a year ago, I wrote a post about quitting eventing and resigning myself (happily) to relaxing on the trail. Since retiring my longtime partner 2 1/2 years ago, I’ve had a run of bad luck and bad decisions on my part when it comes to equine partners. My first mare had to be euthanized after an injury deemed her unsound and dangerous to handle, another mare had severe kissing spine and is also retired, and a mare I leased needed more work and training than I had time to invest in. I realized that horses and riding and going to the barn were a constant source of stress for me. I wanted a horse that I could just hang out with, ride on the trails when I felt like it, and have no pressure. I ended up buying a sweet, goofy 6 year old arab gelding who decided that endurance was way too strenuous for him. He was a blast when I tried him out, and I had a great time riding him for the first couple months when I brought him home. He was a bit pushy on the ground- did the “nose punch” quite a bit, but we were working on boundaries and respect and making progress.

I’ll back up just a tad for a moment. The first mare I had after my retiree- the one I ended up euthanizing- terrified me. I have always been a confident rider and handler. But she was a big girl, and when hand walking her she would suddenly and explosively lash out, either rearing and striking, or running past you and kicking out. She did this to everyone, and we knew that once she was rehabbed, it was going to be a significant training issue. Unfortunately we never got the chance. However, I think it affected me quite a bit more than I realized. I am much more tentative on the ground with any horse now.

Back to my new gelding. He wasn’t quite as dead trail broke as I had wanted, but was pretty quiet and easy, and I had no regrets. I’ve ridden since I was 5, so 25 years, and felt confident in my abilities with him. Then life happened. My husband suffered an injury that required 24/7 care for a few months. Shortly after, my father was diagnosed with cancer, and then suffered a heart attack. This gelding absolutely took a backseat to everything. He was still getting daily turnout, and my old eventing trainer even came out a few times a week to lunge or hack him around just to get him some exercise. But I went for a few weeks at a time without seeing him. Things slowly calmed down, and my schedule freed up, and I realized that even though I had time to go to the barn, I didn’t really want to. I attributed a fair deal to a friend/fellow boarder who gave me grief about not being there. But I know that wasn’t all of it. I ended up moving my horse a couple months ago to a barn that’s farther away, but where he has about 10x the space to run around. I thought he’d appreciate more space to play.

I really love the new ranch he’s at. Everyone has been incredibly warm and welcoming, which is unlike any place I’ve been in SoCal. It’s up in the mountains, so it’s cooler, and as a result he’s been a little frisky. That combined with his complete lack of work or a job for the past few months I guess. The arena is a little bit isolated from the main stable area, which means that you can’t directly see any horses from it. He gets very insecure up there. Balks on the way up, runs like a fool when I turn him out, and then throws his shoulder into me and is disrespectful when I am trying to lead him back to the tie area. He’s been spookier. He even set back on the tie for no apparent reason, which he has never done before. I realized that in addition to his lack of work and increased energy, I’m not giving him the confidence or leadership he needs. Until a couple weeks ago, I hadn’t even ridden him since summer when he was at his old ranch. I confided in my old eventing training that I was afraid to, and that I didn’t know why because he’d never given me a good reason to. She came with me to help, and agreed that he was different at this ranch. She wanted us both to be set up for success, so in order to just get me back in the saddle, she just gave me a walk-trot lesson in the round pen near his stall. He was perfect; his typical lazy self. I’d been confident enough to ride him in the round pen on my own for a couple weeks.

I’ve been taking him to a different part of the ranch to do ground work, with the help and advice of another boarder there, because clearly he needs to work on respect and staying out of my space. He’d been doing well. I went to take him down there today, and he started acting up. Before I had time to react, he reared and shoulder-checked me, knocking me over, and got loose. He didn’t get far, as his lead rope snagged on a tree, so I caught him. But I had a hell of a time getting him back to his stall. He even tried to double-barrel the ranch manager’s golf cart as she drove by him, which just floored me.

I was terrified, heartbroken, mortified… you name it. I really can’t explain where my confidence went, but it was bad enough that I was scared to ride my own horse. Now I’m going to be afraid to take him out of his stall. I drove home thinking “how could I have bought the wrong horse AGAIN?” and then it dawned on me. I didn’t buy the wrong horse. I made him that way. He is smart as hell, and he’s got my number now, and he knows it. Whatever effed up confidence issues I have smoldering from that first horse are just going to continue to bubble up over and over no matter which horse I have, because it literally has nothing to do with the horse. It’s all in MY head. I broke down as I realized that as much as I want it to be, this just isn’t the hobby for me anymore. I’ve spent my childhood and young adult years doing it, and I love it. I feel like it’s what defines me. But now I’m scared of it, to the point where I sit at home on my computer perusing horse forums and videos and articles and planning out my rides or groundwork sessions, and everything is fine until I pull into the driveway at the barn and then I get anxiety. I still love horses and want to ride, but apparently I just can’t. I have the time, I have the money, but I don’t have the spine, and that’s sad. I used to be fearless with my older horse, and that was just 3 years ago. It’s hard to fathom how it all changed so fast, but it did.

So I think I’ll likely be putting the horse in training with my old trainer and having her find him a home. He’s a great horse. I’m not painting him in the best light in this post. But these behaviors are all new and all my fault. With someone confident who he respects, he will make a fantastic partner. I’m sorry it wasn’t me.

I guess what I’m looking for are maybe some supportive words. I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m actually looking for. If you think I’m an idiot or overly-dramatic, you can say it, but say it nicely please. I’m fragile right now… Thanks COTH peeps.

[RPM]

I don’t know if it’s time for you to quit horses, but it may be time for you to start working with a good trainer at a good barn. Instead of spending good money on horses, spend some on some good lessons with a trainer who has good lesson horses, and who, when she agrees you’re ready, will know of a good horse that is suitable for you.

I’m assuming you worked with a trainer back when you were eventing.

[Glyphica]

I think you are right to sell this one – the damage has been done.

I think you need to take a break from horses. When you start to get the itch again, start back with some super safe school horses until you get your confidence back. It may take a while, but don’t rush things.

[KBC]

If you are still planning your rides and your ground work sessions, then you may not be ready to quit, just yet.

YES, I totally understand the realization that the horse you have is one you have created, and it is a wake up call, BUT the horse you bought is still there, and you can rebuild, but you may need some help, no you WILL need help. If the addiction is still there you can overcome the fear, with the right horse and rider…

Four years ago I was wondering if I should quit or carry on, now I am REALLY enjoying things again…

[Stacie]

You’ve had it rough lately and I bet your general level of anxiety is probably higher than baseline, just from all your personal stuff. That make’s it tougher. I’m sorry it’s been so hard.
There are horses out there that can sit for months and be just as kind, friendly and tractable as a horse that is ridden every day. A horse that rears and double barrels at people has some serious holes in his training, or possibly a screw loose, which you would not have known about (until now). There’s a huge difference between a horse that is getting pushy and a horse that looses his temper like yours did. Personally, I wouldn’t own a horse that tries that crap. Life is too short. I want a horse that is on my side.
It also sounds like there is something about the new ranch that is not good for him. It happens and you may never figure out what it is about THAT place that turned him into a lunatic. The food, hay, planes, cars, the lights being on all night. Who knows.
There are some breeds and some lines within breeds that are known for the qualities that you want and need in a horse. Don’t give up. They’re out there.

[Magicboy]

Sounds like you’ve been through a lot. Be kind to yourself and take a break.

[oldernewbie]

Before you beat yourself up any further… do a double check on what they are feeding him. Arabs don’t need a lot of grain and will get crazy on too much or too sweet. Same for high octane hay. They are also prone to ulcers and will act out if they are in pain. It’s suspicious to me that all this bad behavior started after the move.

This is not to say that you might be ready to take a break, but give yourself and the horse the benefit of the doubt. Something is bothering him…

[DancingArabian]

Maybe you might be happier just taking lots of lessons for a while. You’ll be in a controlled environment, with supervision, on (presumably) safe, reliable horses. Or even just on your horse.

I had similar issues when I first got my Arabian. Riding out solo and working out of sight of the herd is something you shouldn’t just do - especially if the horse hasn’t been in regular work with you and you don’t have a relationship with him. That’s something you have to work up to. I don’t think the current boarding situation is the best fit for the both of you right now, and that could be all the difference in the world.

[cutter99]

Find a good trainer who takes both of you back to basics. And I second what oldernewbie said about checking on what your horse is being fed as well as ulcers. A feed high in non-structual carbohydrates (NSC) can definitely contribute to a horse acting up. High NSC can also contribute to ulcers. Your horse has just had some major changes in his world, such as new owner and new living arrangements, and those things can contribute to ulcers as well.

If this horse had been used for endurance riding, he was used to being in a regular work schedule, as well as being ridden for miles a day. Some horses just need regular work more than others, and getting both of you back into some kind of work might be what both of you need,

[JLR1]

I’m so sorry something that once gave you happiness is a source of anxiety now. In your horse’s defense I can tell you most Arabians thrive when on a regular riding schedule and regular interaction with “their human”. My feeling is your horse is reacting to and acting out about the lack of work schedule and continuity of people in his life. What I love so much about the breed is that they are so people oriented. They will try their hearts out when they have a bond and trust in their owner. Until a relationship or leadership position is formed…they are smart enough to test everyone who rides them. Generally speaking they “don’t suffer fools gladly” as the old saying goes. Whether or not this is the horse for you will depend on if you can give him a regular work schedule and daily interaction. Don’t feel bad or punish yourself if this isn’t the right breed or fit for you.

[bitranchy]

So sorry to hear about how things have gone for you, in life and with the horses.

Fear can be very real and dictate how you respond to and how you perceive things. I would agree that I don’t think you’re ready to give up horses just yet. I would think someone who’s moved past having horses in their life wouldn’t be coming up with plans for when they’re at the barn, or seeking advice on horse forums. Perhaps you are ready to move on from this horse specifically, though. Sometimes relationships aren’t redeemable, with people or with animals. As other users suggested, investigate what he’s being fed. But if you so choose, have your trainer out to work with him and look into finding him a new home. Perhaps along the way, you’ll get back the horse you once had. Or perhaps he’ll find a new owner. Don’t feel guilty about it, whatever the outcome, as it appears you’re still trying to do right by the horse regardless.

If and when he sells, maybe then look into a lesson program. If your trainer that you’ve used previously has a packer type available, maybe you could try some lessons there. If not, maybe she could recommend a barn that has a lesson string and someone who can work on your confidence issues. You may start to feel less barn-related anxiety when you’re not feeling as though you’ve left your horse to his own devices and no one will be guilting you about being scarce.

[sophie]

Well, there’s nothing wrong with taking a break.
Or selling your current horse if he doesn’t suit you. Once they “get your number” it’s really hard to go back to how things were. It happened to a friend of mine, with her big WB mare. She ended up selling that mare and did much better with her next horse.
If you really want to stay in horses, why not take regular lessons or half lease a lesson horse? A lot of good riders / horse people do just that at my barn. They don’t own a horse, but they ride regularly, and most importantly, they have fun.

I am taking a break myself because my dad has advanced cancer, my mom is almost blind, and I chose to go and spend a couple months with them. In the mean time, my Tb mare is turned out every day but not in work. And that is fine. We’ll pick things up when I get back. She currently is not my priority.

[DQ_Foxhunter]

A friend of mine had a lovelyTB mare that she fo hunted and showed in the jumpers.
The mare was also very good on the trails.
About a year and a half ago my friend’s husband started having health issues that took up a lot of her mental and physical time.
My friend stopped foxhunting,she also stopped jumping and taking lessons.
All she had time to do was trail ride once or twice a week, well her lovely mare turned into a spooky jigging nightmare.
She did everything, checked saddle fit, ulcers etc.,nothing worked.
A friend of hers started riding the mare and she was fine.
My friend is an excellent rider but the anxiety of her life was being transmitted to her mare and making her anxious.
Our farrier found my friend a cute little buckskin former ranch horse for her to trail ride, and her other friend is riding her Tb.
What I am trying to say is that like my friend you have stress in your life you cannot control and it may be affecting your horse.
Arabians are sensitive and cued into thier riders, so maybe you could find another horse to lease or borrow that is less sensitive,and see if that is the problem.
I hope you figure it out, good luck.

[cloudy18]

I’m sorry. You’ve had a lot happen in a relatively short time. It might not hurt to take a break and let your head clear a bit. That could take a month to a year, maybe more…but you sound like you aren’t ready to give it up totally. You do have options.

​​​​​​Do you think your confidence in this horse is completely destroyed? If so, selling might be the best option. When you’re mentally in a better place, try taking some lessons, as someone suggested, and let your instructor help you find a solid horse if you decide you want your own at some point. Don’t pressure yourself to make a decision though.

Are you willing to put in the time with the current horse? Besides the other suggestions to check his feed, etc., I think this horse doesn’t so much “have your number” as he is trying to tell you that you aren’t giving him the leadership he needs. He is sensing that you are not confident, are insecure, and he is not a horse right now that can deal with that. I’m sure you have the ability to work with a trainer and do the things necessary to get past these issues. But if you just can’t handle the thought of it, that’s okay. Everyone has deal breaker issues in horses, and if it’s just too much right now, that’s fine.

You could send him to a trainer for awhile and have them work out the worst of it, and take a break while he’s doing that. Reevaluate if and when the trainer thinks he might be what you need. You could take some lessons on him, do groundwork, start small. You can still sell him if you try this and decide it’s just not going to work. And maybe you will decide you don’t even want to try, after a month or three of training…that’s fine too.

I also think you are letting people get inside your head. Don’t let anyone pressure you into going to the barn when you don’t want to. It’s not their business. Do what you need to do to enjoy horses, if you decide to stick with it. I also think you’re getting bad advice from the boarder. Your horse is not ready to be worked in a different spot. The eventing trainer had it right, doing the lesson in a familiar place.

​​​​​​​Don’t beat yourself up over this. Don’t listen to too much “advice”. Everyone likes to give their opinions, and I know that’s what this thread is all about, but you know what I mean…there are those people whose opinions are stated more as facts…like, “this is what you need to do”. You don’t need to do anything. Take the pressure off yourself, which is easier said than done. But push those voices out that aren’t helpful.
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[Jackie_Cochran]

I had an Arab stud colt. I did all his training. I was boarding him and the BO decided to change to this super, super charged up feed, with REALLY high protein (15%? 17%? Or it may have been higher).

He started rearing on me.

I insisted to the barn owner that he change my horse’s ration to the low protein (10%) sweet feed.

That stud colt NEVER reared again.

Arabs and part Arabs can get really wild when they are overfed, with problems appearing almost overnight. Once off the rocket fuel they can regain their sanity quickly. I would also check for ulcers.

[Mistral]

I’ve been in this situation before as well. Realized I was looking for reasons for things to be wrong. Doing things I normally would have been more careful doing, etc. Finally, found a trainer to come help us. I needed someone to tell me “now do this. No, don’t stop, just turn.” He would ride my horse when I felt strange, then help me do the same. I had the skills, I just wasn’t applying them. He did make it fun again, and now I’m so happy with my “sometimes” trail horse. If I’m worried it’s been to long, I have trainer come out and ride him.
Maybe a part lease on your current horse is something to think about? Someone to come ride him so it’s not all on you?

[DJohn]

Can you have someone ride him for free a bunch of times a week? It sounds like he is very herd-bound and just needs to get to work!

I feel you with the anxiety, OP! I have some serious anxiety when it comes to my horse spooking, which in turn makes him spook a lot worse. I subconsciously hold my breath, or tense my shoulders etc. Well, I have been through a lot with this horse and it all started because he nearly died from an infection years ago. Since then, I worry if he trips, shudders, turns his head a weird way etc. Everything he does makes me worry if he is OK. But I brave through it and I find ways that work for us. Recently, I have been having great rides and my confidence is going up quickly which directly translates to my horse! He is so much calmer, it’s unbelievable.

Also, check the grain! My horse goes nuts on Trimax/Elite which he is fine on all summer, but is super calm on Simplici-T for the cold months.

[Heinz_57]

I wouldn’t say it’s all your fault, and I wouldn’t say you should get out of horses altogether. It sounds like your heart is still in it. I would say that selling current horse sounds like a good idea to resolve your current stress and anxiety. If all you really want to do is trail ride, there ARE horses out there that are dead broke, 100% reliable trail masters that can go anywhere and do anything without blinking and will be the same whether you ride 5 days a week or 5 times a month. Something that is mature enough to not forget it’s manners and that you could just have your trainer friend do a “tune up” ride here and there to keep things fresh.

There ARE horses that will suit you out there, if you want one. Even the really good, well behaved, laid back horses DO need to be reminded of their manners once in a while, though - and its totally OK if you do not have the confidence or the desire to be the person to do that any more. Just make sure you have the help of a decent trainer that can get on at regular intervals (whether it’s once a week or once a month) to keep things fresh - preferably BEFORE bad behavior crops up.

It’s also totally OK for you to stop riding and quit horses altogether, if that’s what will make you happiest. No judgment from me!

[Bluey]

I was thinking, could you maybe lease an old school horse that needs a break for a bit and make your peace to enjoy a lighter pace now, take it easy, just enjoy the horse, no other goals of perfection in mind?

Once you get more settled back to riding and enjoying it all, without being worried about the horse itself, however long that takes, then you can make tentative plans to start moving on to more riding and horse, if you still want that, now more confident.

To be overhorsed, no matter why, is never good all around and a possible cause of mishaps, better get out of that situation.

[candyappy]

I don’t think this means you are done with horses at all. A 6 year old Arab can be a lot of horse in a small package. Some horses just need the daily work to maintain the proper attitude and respect for their handler.

There are so many horses out there that can fit the requirements you desire. What you need to do is find one that is right now doing what you desire to do and maybe one who is a little older and of a breed that isn’t so " hot blooded" as an Arab.

Any breed has it’s risks as temperament is an individual thing, and how they are for the current owner doesn’t mean they will be the same for you, but I think it is a risk worth taking when you love horses and riding.

I encourage you to keep trying.