BTDT & I was an adult in my 40s when I learned this lesson.
No details needed, but I too saw the hidden side of someone I had trusted for years with my riding progress.
As hard & painful as it is to deal with this now, be glad you can take the knowledge forward with you.
Best of Luck with your future in horses!
Two things stand out at me:
That trainer has something seriously wrong with her. You do NOT treat a minor like that. She sounds majorly unhinged, between what was essentially slave labor and her over the top reaction to your reasons for leaving. Who the heck screams at a kid that wants to focus on school before college? Or tells them they donât need to eat?
You sound like a smart, mature young woman whoâs willing to work hard and is passionate. It might take some time, but you WILL find a great place that appreciates you and will help you with your goals. I can tell you that my barn would be THRILLED to have someone like you. You could always go to local shows and offer grooming, catch rides, etc while also letting trainers know you are looking for a place to learn at. Watch the trainers there, see how they instruct their students and handle their horses. See how they treat those working for them. If you get an offer at a place, ask if you can observe a lesson first and really pay attention to how things are done there. Maybe talk to any working students or employees. If the trainers ask, tell them you had a bad WS situation before. Any trainer worth their salt would understand and be more than happy to show you around and let you talk to others. If they donât, run.
Good luck, Iâm rooting for you!
@juniordilemma WOW, that âtrainerâ. So sorry you had to go thru this so early in your life.
Try to look at it this way: there are many lessons to be learned in life; youâve just learned a lot of hard ones early on. Youâll be able to use your experiences to help many others as your life continues.
Iâm 65 and still getting life lessons, which I keep asking the universe why now, I have no one to pass this on to.
It sucks you couldnât say good-bye to your horse and friends. Iâm sure youâll go far in life and have many wonderful horses.
You are zero percent responsible for this situation. You have parents, and you were 12 when you started there. If they arenât horsey, they probably had no clue at least at the beginning, but as time went on they should have addressed this. Youâre now old and mature enough to recognize that she was taking advantage of you and you did. And then you took control of the situation. Anything before now is 100% her fault and you should not feel any blame or guilt around this. When you were younger, your parents should have done something- you donât decide to leave a trainer when you are 13. At least not without a lot of urging.
Iâve not read all the responses here and I too highly commend the OP for having a wonderful work ethic, responsible and maturity level. But hereâs when I get miffed. Where are her parents in this. She is a minor, while very mature, she cannot and should not be expected to handle this, while I donât necessarily think ârunning to mommyâ is always the best, when it comes to having a trainer rail against a minor because school/college is a priority, the parent needs to step in on their childâs behalf to call this trainer out. It amazes me what parents let trainers get away with. Iâve witnessed some horrible I mean horrible outbursts by trainers to their Jr. Clients and the parents remain silent. - no they complain to other parents or clients, but never directly to the trainer. Why do we feel that we canât say " hey this is in appropriate, donât ever speak to my child like that again".
For parents that is also a skill in need to be learned.
Hi â Iâm late reading and replying to this, but just read your update from the 9th.
I just want to say this: none of this is âon youâ because you werenât assertive enough. Yes, in the future, youâll hopefully be able to recognize when you need to stand up for yourself and set boundaries, but you are and were a child, and she is an adult. There is a power imbalance there and you are NOT to blame for how she treated you or how you reacted to any of it. You did NOT âput yourself in that situationâ. You found yourself there, and it is really unfortunate that you did.
There is always an ideal way to handle things, which is very easy to see in hindsight, but very few of us take the ideal course in the moment â even as adults with more life experience than you had at the time. And that goes for parents, too. Becoming a parent unfortunately doesnât mean you magically gain the ability to handle a situation like this, even though itâs really easy to say âwhere are the parentsâ when we are reading what you are saying. I hope they are fully supporting and helping you now. It would have been great if you didnât have to face your trainer alone, but again, none of us is perfect and itâs easy to say what I would have done now, with hindsight.
If I was your parent, I would be so proud of the person you are and how you are handling yourself. You are learning lessons and skills that a lot of much older adults have yet to learn. But donât take any of the blame for this on yourself.
I was only slightly older than you are when I got out of 100% exactly the same position. I could have written this myself. At some points, I had to remember that I didnât.
Itâs very difficult to leave these situations (itâs honestly scarily like Stockholm Syndrome) so I feel for you. Itâs a confusing time and youâre handling this with immense maturity as a 16 year old. It may not seem like it right this moment but youâre going to be very grateful you had the guts to leave down the road. Riding can be FUN and these people like your trainer inhibit that without you even knowing it.
The horses will always be there for you and there are so many wonderful people in this sport. Itâs a waste of time to spend it with soul-sucking users like this past trainer. I promise, things will look up. On the bright side, your work ethic is going to be make you extremely marketable in the job world in a few years.
As a side note, Iâm not sure what SafeSport looks like nowadays for these situations (my time at this was long before this was implemented) but I oftentimes think if I would have brought this to light. Iâve come to the conclusion that if I went through today what I did then, I would absolutely contact SafeSport so this would never happen to anyone else. Itâs difficult, Iâm sure, but these creeps need to be exposed and stop running their business with the abuses of what is essentially fearful brainwashing tactics and free child labor.
Parents are probably somewhat like mine were: well meaning, but on the one hand âproud of how mature their daughter isâ so that they donât have to get involved. Having un-involved parents makes a child an easy target, as usually those kids try to fit in/earn attention (because they donât feel worthy of attention for just being who they are).
This was me, and I have seen it in students (when I taught kids). I get parents have other obligations, but it is bothersome.
OP, if this is the case with your parents (which it might not be), please try to get them somehow involved in aspects of your life, whether it be horses, or helping you decide what to do in college. If you donât nurture and environment where you can talk to your parents about YOUR stuff, you may grow into an adult that doesnât really feel the need to talk to your parents at all.
I hope you are feeling better about your decision now, and I hope you get back in the saddle soon, in a better environment. Please do consider talking to someone about the abuse/manipulation you fell victim to under this trainer, so you arenât manipulated in the same way again. it is very hard to break out of cycles of behaviour.
CHT- great post. For years Iâve seen where coaches/teachers (all sports/school) had this âwe only text to studentsâ I get where they want to encourage responsibility but also see it leading to bad situations. No person let alone a minor should have to be in a situation like this OP. Parents should and need to be there as an advocate for their child. If a teen is hired on as a WS parents should require that the trainer give them what the expected job requirements are and then have the parents sign on off those requirements. Trainers need to realize that school comes first no matter what. You, trainer are ultimately responsible for your clientâs horses, not the middle or high school aged WS.
How are you doing, nearly a month later?
Hi again everyone.
Thank you for the well wishes, I really do appreciate all of the support and advice more than you know.
I donât blame my parents for anything that went on, though I do know that they blame themselves. We have had many, many thorough conversations about exactly what went wrong, and where the breaks in communication stemmed from. I have always been fairly independent, which they saw as a good thing, and this resulted in them allowing me an aspect of responsibility that I should not have had, as a minor. This caused a huge break in communication, where I was the only one communicating with my trainer at all times, with my parents pretty much only interacting with her if they both happened to be at shows. In this way, I was able to control and manipulate the flow of information to them. If I claimed that everything was fine at the barn, they had no way to know otherwise. Currently, and in the future, they are going to take a much more active role in my riding and any other activities I may do. I am also going to be much more transparent with them about the experiences from my end.
If there is any positive coming from this experience, it is that I have realized what a supportive group of people I have around me. So many people stepped up to advocate for me or to provide any assistance they could. This list includes friends at other barns, former trainers, and many of the clients that I braid for. I do not have the words to describe how my community helped me and is continuing to help me. Friends offered to let me ride their horses if I couldnât find saddle time, former trainers gave me excellent contacts for beginner riding programs to recommend to my former lesson students, and several of my braiding clients at very well regarded competition barns made introductions for me with their trainers or offered to let me come out to visit.
Iâve met some really amazing people, and gotten to ride some very cool horses. And yes, as many of you guessed, I heard quite a few horror stories about my former trainer. After hearing what I have, I know that leaving was 1000% the right decision.
While some bad habits in my riding have definitely come to light and I know thereâs a long road of improvement ahead, the feedback I have heard from several trainers has been very encouraging. Former trainer hammered it into my head that while I was the best at her barn, I wasnât really truly a âgreatâ rider without her. She convinced me that I owed her literally everything for my riding progress and that I would never be as successful or move up in the sport with any other trainer.
I am highly motivated and a very hard worker, which I think has been evident to the trainers I have been fortunate enough to ride with. I very much so have the mindset that I will ride anything and everything that they want to put me on and am dedicated enough to really want to improve and break my personal bad habits.
Currently, I have found a wonderful place with a trainer who has a stellar reputation at a barn some people I have braided for ride at. I am hacking any horses that need to be kept in more consistent work due to their ownerâs busy schedules, getting the opportunity to lesson on one of the trainerâs slightly older personal horses, and she has told me that there is definitely opportunity in the future to compete on any appropriate sales horses she gets in. My parents are highly involved, we have all the specifics of the situation solidified in writing, and I now feel like I finally have time to actually be a teenager. School feels so much easier with more free time, and while I am still working, the job is much more riding-based than manual labor so itâs not as hard on my body.
For the first time in months, I am looking forward to going out to the barn. I am enjoying the people I am spending time with. I have the time to focus on homework and study for all my tests. I feel like I am appreciated for the work I do, and that I am learning valuable aspects of riding and horsemanship that werenât as much of a priority to my trainer before. Not to be overdramatic, but it does feel like there is a weight off my chest.
Not to say that everything is all butterflies and rainbows, but I really am happy with where I am currently, and immensely hopeful for the future. I am so grateful for all the support and for my friends, both in real life and online, that have done anything and everything to help me out and introduce me to others that will do the same.
Thank you again to everyone on here!
So happy to hear this!!
So happy to read this update. I know this means hardly anything coming from an internet stranger, but Iâm really impressed with how youâve handled this terrible situation. You are an amazing person OP and have shown far more grace and maturity than many adults I know. I hope things continue to go well for you!
OMG this is a huge HOORAY for you and for your network.
Go forward with courage
I did â not nicely and just as loudly as the abuse was being screamed at my daughter, âdonât ever speak to my child like that again.â I got an apology the next day. 30 years later even though we all three dislike each other we are friendly and polite and he never again said a mean word to my daughter. Her saying something would not have had any impact, it probably would have brought more abuse. Sometimes the parent has to put the foot down but I will say I had to witness the abuse in person to get mad enough to fight back.
OP - Good for you and it sounds like you had to go through hell but came out on the other side with greater clarity and wisdom. Iâm so so sorry you had to go through what is an ALL TOO COMMON situation in the horse world. Maybe this is just the way of all expensive sports, but it really seems to me that the horse world has so so many of these stories.
I myself have gone through two different iterations of this, once as a kid and once as an adult client. While I did have some dicey situations as a pro where I felt taken advantage of, I was able to leave on civil terms with my employer each time.
What really strikes me about this situation is how determined we still all seem to be to keep these dangerous trainers anonymous.
We go out of our way not to put in ANY information that could potentially be linked to any specific person. Shouldnât we be trying to get this all out in the open to save people the drama from interacting with this woman? I mean beyond placing the onus on only the victims to step up and report to SafeSport. I mean shouldnât we not be afraid to call out abusive trainers and practices so that we save others from falling into the same situation?
I guarantee that right now, that trainer is selecting out and grooming another kid to take advantage of. Weâve already heard that this isnât the only working student at the barn - what about all of those kids now in danger of also being exploited?
Even me - I am part of this problem. I am an ammy now, and I still wouldnât call out by name the folks Iâve come across that, in private, I would tell people to run as far away from as possible.
How can we overcome this industry veil of secrecy? Where do we think it came from in the first place?
Fear of reprisal. The horse world is a small, closely-connected place.
I see what youâre trying to say, but it shouldnât be on victims to put themselves through that sort of trauma all over again. Those of us that have experienced trainer abuse (as well as other types of abuse) already lost so much so we donât owe anyone anything and to say we do removes our agency all over again.
I havenât named my abusive trainer but I do make a point to keep talking about this subject and share my story anonymously where I can. Iâm also quick to talk to someone when I see a red flag in their situation. Ultimately I think itâs not on victims to make this change but itâs on everyone else.
If your barn doesnât hire staff and relies on child slave labor, donât board there. If your trainer treats you fine but treats their working student like trash, donât train with them. If youâre at a horse show and you witness a trainer abusing a teenager, file a report and get ahold of that childâs parents and explain to them what you witnessed.
We also have to stop glorifying abusive and unhealthy working conditions. I worked my ass off as a kid but thatâs not something Iâm proud of today. I see people all the time act like they should get a gold medal for their work ethic and sure, thatâs great and all but we need to stop having this attitude of âsee you just have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps!â
Donât think about what OP could be doing differently to fix this, think about what you could be doing differently to fix this.
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