Junior Rider Seeking Advice With Trainer Drama

[juniordilemma]

Hey all! First time posting and made a separate account, just to make personal details private. Advice is highly appreciated!

I am a junior who has been riding and serving as a working student for my current trainer for around four years. I do not have the means to afford a horse at the level that I would like to compete at and have felt incredibly lucky to have found a trainer that is willing to make my dreams a reality. As her working student, she has allowed me an unofficial free lease on one of her former project horses for about three years. Said horse was out of work for about a year before I started riding him, and had an unsuccessful prior career in his former discipline. Through my schooling rides and instruction in lessons, the horse is now competing and winning on the local A circuit.

I more than work off all of my rides, and spent several summers working at her barn 8 am-5 pm, five or six days a week. While in school I work five days, from 4 pm to around 9 on weekdays, and the full day on Saturday. I also teach one beginner lesson on Saturdays. Said trainer has a side business that I also assist with. When working I do not receive breaks and do not have time to eat lunch when working full days. If I come for a lesson and expect to leave after, my trainer acts annoyed by the fact that I will not do more work, even though my ride is fully paid for.

For a while, I have been wary of this situation, and try to limit the number of hours I work to a reasonable amount. This is a complicated situation, however, as the trainer does not have any employees, and mostly relies on her working students to do all of the labor for the barn. I feel obligated to work and help out, or else the barn work will not get done.

I have also recently started bringing two more horses back into work for her, one former upper-level dressage horse, and a Grand Prix jumping prospect who was rehabbing from an injury. She does not have time to ride these horses herself, and I am, quite frankly, the most advanced rider at the barn. She hopes to lease these horses out once they are back in shape. However, she has recently been complaining that I am not working off my schooling rides on these horses, even though I am furthering their training and bringing them back into work to benefit her.

This is not to say that I am not incredibly grateful for my trainer, because I am. She has brought me further in a year than I have progressed in four years at another barn. She is a highly accomplished equestrian and is remarkably intelligent and perceptive– her knowledge or expertise is not the issue here.

I have also had further conflicts with her when I attempted to discuss my work schedule. When I expressed concern at my hours she took the liberty of contacting my mother herself and spreading the claim that all I do is sit around and talk to clients when I am supposed to be working (obviously not true, and my mom was well aware of that). All of this put together would make me want to leave, except for several factors. The first is that I don’t think that I would be able to compete at the same level that I am now, or ever progress without the horse that I am riding now. I would not be able to go to another barn and lease or buy a horse to take into training with me. Secondly, she really is an incredible trainer, and I don’t know if I could find someone with the same level of expertise in the area. I also have my lesson students to think about, who I would not want to leave behind in that kind of environment. Finally, I have a lot of close friends at my current barn, and I know I wouldn’t be able to come back and see them if I ever left.

The fact of the matter is, if I leave my current barn, I will be completely burning a bridge. My trainer is the kind of person who will see it as a highly personal attack, and be horribly angry. If I had to guess, she would probably end up making things up about the reason I left and would give others a bad impression of me. Leaving would be no small feat, and I almost want to stay solely for the reason that I wouldn’t have to deal with the drama.

I recently had a disastrous experience at a larger A-rated show, that solidified my plans to look into other barns. My trainer didn’t show up to the show grounds until my division had already started, and left immediately after, leaving me to fully take care of her horse. I had some not-great rounds, due to the fact that she informed me I wasn’t allowed to jump until she was on site, yet she didn’t show up until minutes before I had to enter the arena. The next day she proceeded to scream at me because I had forgotten to bring his supplements into the stall area from where they were kept in the trailer, and she had to go get them herself.

Today I went out to visit an ammy friend of mine that used to ride with my current trainer. She now keeps her horse at a smaller boarding barn that I really enjoyed visiting. It was such a relaxed environment, which I was not at all used to, and the property was in much better condition than that of my current trainer. I was able to tour the facility and hop on my friend’s horse for a little bit.

She recently developed some health issues, so it doesn’t look like she will ever be riding her horse much past the trot again (which she is perfectly content with). He is an incredibly talented and impeccably bred dutch warmblood, who has jumped some bigger tracks in the past. Since his workload is going to be greatly reduced with her in the future, she offered me the opportunity to ride and compete with him, so that he is able to perform to his full potential. I have ridden him before, and my ride on him today was exceptional. He is such a talented horse, who I definitely click with, and I know he could be one to allow me to reach my competitive goals.

I am really tempted honestly, but don’t know if I should just stick it out at my current barn. I would be leaving a lot behind and making so many people angry with me if I left. But on the other hand, I haven’t felt like I did while riding today in a very long time. I loved the vibe of her barn, everyone I met was lovely, and the atmosphere didn’t have me constantly one step from a panic attack. But is it lazy of me to give up the working student position for the other barn? Is it just a necessary evil to get myself where I want to go? I am so so so conflicted, and honestly very anxious about the whole thing. I was hoping someone here on this forum would have some advice or insight, maybe having been in a similar situation themselves.

Sorry if I made any mistakes in posting, haven’t done this before!

[Calvincrowe]

I think if you read back over what you just wrote, you’ll realize that you’ve gotten all you can from that trainer. Despite her skills, she is using you and now, frankly, abusing you based on what you’ve shared of her actions and your duties. I think it is time to find a new situation.

I would solidify the free-lease situation with the friend-- terms of the lease, how often you’ll show, who pays for what at the show, etc. Make sure your parents are part of this discussion. Get it all out of the table-- leave nothing to chance or you might get unplanned surprises.

Ask yourself some hard questions:
Could you get a part time job to help defray costs if there are any in this lease situation. It seems like you’ve been working a full time job and not getting much more than saddle time.
Can you afford to show? Was the trainer footing your show costs? If so, you’ll need to do some math to figure this out.
Do you have the skills to continue riding without her instruction and bring this horse along? Are there training opportunities at this friend’s barn? An instructor?

I think you have written a good post and will get lots of different advice, but at the end of the day, you have to decide if you can either live with what looks like a deteriorating situation or take a chance on a massive change.

[Scribbler]

This is a very common scenario. WS works hard for a trainer and at a certain point realizes they are being taken advantage of and have no power in the situation.

If you know that trainer will trash you if you step away, even to “focus on school this year” rather than jump ship to a competitor, then you know it is a toxic situation.

Walk away. Your mental health and self esteem is more important than riding in a few shows.

[173north]

If you are constantly “one step from a panic attack” at your current barn, it is time to head to greener pastures. There will be other horses and opportunities, it’s not worth sacrificing your mental health for a trainer who is treating you poorly. You have learned what you can from this trainer, and how to gracefully depart a barn when other parties are not acting very gracious is going to be the final part of that.

[BrendaJane]

Pro tip:
Track your hours and afix a $$ amount to it.
$7.25 being federal minimum, add to that social security deductions (which will be credited to you later in life, every penny counts)

And ask yourself the question: How much money should she pay you for what you do
And how much would you have to pay her for what you get.

From what I garnered (and I got exhausted half way through) she owes you a lot more than the other way around, and once peole start to spread falsehood about you and your work ethic, it is time to part ways.
That is the stuff that sticks and hurts you long term.

Compare (minust the horse time) how working for her or working for a burger joint balances out cold hard cash wise.

You are not her endentured servant.
You need to set your boundaries, a skill that will serve you well later in life.

Advance your own $$$ base now, so later you can do the horse dream on your own terms.

[Tini_Sea_Soldier1]

It is hard to leave trainers… even when they treat you like dirt and crap. When I was younger, I was definitely part of the slave labor trend of our barn. It was fine because I was mostly working with friends I’d known since my early teens, and when it was miserable, we all shared the misery. However, once I left there, I promised that I’d never go back to that type of yelling and verbal abuse.
BUT you fall back into it… I found myself in a similar type of environment but as an owner/ammy, not as a worker. It took me awhile to step away, but once I brought trusted peers to observe the way I was being treated, it was obvious that I was falling back into old patterns and needed to go. It was scary, but once I was out, it was a total relief.
Follow your instincts. It’s ok to move on. You will find alternative ways to ride and make a living. People do it all the time and it’s a great time to get job… everyone is hiring!

[Ceffyl_Dwr]

If you were to leave your trainer I wouldn’t be surprised if people don’t come out of the woodwork to share their own horror stories of working with your current trainer. And truly, I’ve never once been mad at someone for leaving a position. If I thought that way I’d still be scooping ice cream at Baskin-Robbins like my 16 year old self. Never turn down an opportunity, especially one that brings you happiness.

[Midge]

How old are you? What divisions do you show in?

[clanter]

President Abraham Lincoln issued the Emancipation Proclamation on January 1, 1863 “that all persons held as slaves are, and henceforward shall be free.”

[Equkelly]

Do you know why she has no employees at her barn? It’s because she doesn’t need to pay people when she can manipulate teenagers and their parents into child slave labor.

OP first of all I’m sorry, you’re dealing with this. Trainers like this always have such a way of taking advantage of young people and then manipulating them into thinking they should be grateful for the opportunity to get abused like this daily. You do not deserve this.

I grew up in this same situation and like you, I kind of knew it was unfair but loved the horses and wouldn’t have had the same opportunities so I dealt with the abuse. (I also had an even more abusive home life so was really trapped because abuse at the barn was still better than abuse at home.) Now I’m an adult, and I have a job, I own my own horse and pay my own board and looking back I completely regret all of the years I spent with that trainer. Honestly, if I had spent my teenage years working at the local frozen yogurt shop and spending my money on lessons once a week with a different trainer, I’d be a much better rider.

The thing is, abuse like this stunts your growth. You will never truly improve when all your energy is spent walking on eggshells. It’s not healthy. I know you might have to step down a level and I know you might not be able to compete but I promise… riding isn’t going anywhere. It will always be here for you and you’re not less of a rider for stepping down to protect your mental health. You have your whole life to reach your competitive goals.

I’m telling you, I grew up with this, I was you, but I’m on the other side and I can honestly say it’s not worth it. I was also the best rider at my barn, I also worked my butt off 7 days a week all day long and never had break.

Do you know what I have to show for it? I have panic attacks at the local fun shows. I’m terrified of finding a new trainer. I have intense anxiety issues and complex post traumatic stress disorder from being constantly exposed to stressful environments. I have an eating disorder from never taking lunch breaks. I also have a ton of bad habits that I am still catching myself doing that I got from that trainer. And the best part? I’m not even that great of a rider. I mean I’m good, but I have friends that also had limited funds and they ride just as well as me and didn’t have to endure abuse like I did to ride.

So please, please, please protect your mental health. Don’t worry about the backlash, once your on the other side you’ll be relieved and chances are there are others that see through that trainer too.

[trubandloki]

I do think it is time to move on.

And yes, I think this trainer sounds difficult.

I just want to say one thing though - a horse that can win at A shows has a lease value. So saddle time on a horse that wins at A shows is lots of hours of work at minimum wage rates.

That does not mean I don’t think the OP should stay there.

[Impractical_Horsewoman]

Wow, what an eloquent post! I think you’ve explained your situation very clearly.

My first thought is that while your current trainer may be a great rider and trainer in the ring, it’s not professional or ethical to run a business solely relying upon unpaid labor. Not only is it unfair, but it’s also open to abuse, because, as you’ve seen yourself, your workday and duties infinitely expand, based upon her needs, not based upon any formal job specifications.

One way to think about the concerns about burning a bridge is that people like Toxic Trainer set up bridges to be burnt. She’s just waiting for a reason to blame you for something going wrong so she can claim more time from you and bleed you dry.

If you’re looking to go to college, you need time and energy to focus on your studies (which I’m sure your parents support). I agree with others who have said to get a clearly defined agreement with the new horse owner and the more low-key barn, regarding riding and showing. Even if you enter the horse industry, a good performance on this horse and a good relationship with this owner will count for a great deal. Toxic trainer will NEVER give you a good reference for anything or anyone.

[S1969]

@Equkelly

The thing is, abuse like this stunts your growth. You will never truly improve when all your energy is spent walking on eggshells.

Agree - and from the OP’s own post…she’s already the most advanced rider in the barn. As a junior. And the OP is riding and furthering the training of two of the upper level horses.

The trainer herself may be a highly accomplished equestrian…but, can she actually train others? Is she even that accomplished? It may be hard for the OP to know for sure, because who can you compare the trainer to if you’ve never ridden elsewhere.

On top of that, the bottom line is that any barn without employees is exploiting their working students/juniors and/or others. Even I hire help and I have 3 horses and 2 minis in my backyard who don’t even get ridden.

The story about the trainer not showing up in time to support her most advanced rider at a larger A-show is sad and telling.

OP - move on. What else do you need to hear?

I agree that you should do it carefully, and thoughtfully. Your friend’s horse is a great option but get that sorted out in detail, include your parents, etc. Will you have access to any trainer, or no trainer at all?

How old are you - when will you go off to college?

[hoopoe]

I agree with everyone here. The relationship is broken and exceedingly one-sided.

It is time to tuck this experience away and learn from it. It ,or variations of it, will be with you all your working life. Many of the stories could be told in other areas of work-life. Learn from it and find your strength.

Focus on your studies for college. Consider a conventional part time job, perhaps one that is leaning towards your career path. Work out the generous situation with the one horse. Time to become a slightly more diverse person.

You obviously have much talent and intelligence, as shown through your well considered original post. Focus on you, your talents and your need to step forward as best you can in this challenging world. Don’t forget your parents are your allies, which I think you know.

If you know this trainer will create drama via lies, other people know it as well. The horse world is small and I would not be surprised to know people talk behind their hands about this trainer. There is a whiff of Safe Sport violation here as well. If you have not done so, review safe sport sections on bullying and withholding favor.

Look out for you. From what you post, I suspect you are the better person. Trust in yourself and learn from this. You have value and deserve a whole life. Go forward with grace and the truth will show through your actions. Local folks likely know you and will see through any bad-mouthing that may happen.

[Equkelly]

@trubandloki

I just want to say one thing though - a horse that can win at A shows has a lease value. So saddle time on a horse that wins at A shows is lots of hours of work at minimum wage rates.

Oh just stop.

The trainer supposedly has multiple horses that can go win A shows but she cannot afford one employee? Yea BS. Either the horses aren’t that nice or the trainer isn’t that good or both. Trainers like this have a way of making vulnerable kids feel like they’re getting the golden ticket and I’m sick of everyone in our sport normalizing shit like this.

[Night_Flight]

This is not an uncommon situation, particularly if the trainer came up through this working student-type situation herself and feels that everyone who comes after her needs to “do their time” accordingly. Just because one person was taken advantage of does not mean that the pattern should be continued (and of course there are some great working student opportunities out there where the relationship is more balanced).

I had similar experiences back in my working student days. In exchange for lessons/training at shows, I worked as the only groom for a barn ranging from 10 to 15 horses. The days were insanely long, I didn’t get to stop to eat lunch, and I paid board and showing costs. The only thing I was working off was the training.

Even on a normal week, if you did the math then I was clearly being overworked and taken advantage of.

What made the imbalance so clear was one show were I brought a family member’s horse with me as a replacement because my horse was injured. Trainer originally decided that despite me continuing to work as usual, i would have to pay the coaching fees for the one horse i was bringing because it wasn’t MY horse. My parents intervened and that was reversed.

Trainer wanted to be the one to ride the horse in a schooling class at the beginning of the week, with the intention that I would then show in the junior/amateur division for the rest of the week. Trainer fell off (through no fault of the horse, confirmed by everyone who saw it), and horse jumped out of the ring and created a mild scene.

Trainer refused to allow me or anyone else to show the horse that week because I would “embarass” trainer. So I paid all the bills for the horse and continued to work insanely long and stressful hours grooming for the rest of the barn, and I got absolutely nothing in return.

The kicker? It turned out that trainer had been billing the clients for both training and grooming at the show, and the clients were horrified to learn that the grooming money just went in the trainer’s pocket, especially as they were well aware how hard I worked, and how I cared for two or three times as many horses at a show as a typical groom.

It’s really easy to get in the habit of justifying the abuse you’re receiving by thinking about how good the trainer is and what sort of opportunities you’re getting, but at a certain point you experience something that makes you put it all in perspective.

Walk away, OP. Trainer is setting you up for a lifetime of believing that however hard you work, it’s never enough, and that isn’t healthy even if you can afford to be in the situation right now financially.

[trubandloki]

@Equkelly

Either the horses aren’t that nice

It is the OP that said this horse wins at the A shows.

@juniordilemma

the horse is now competing and winning on the local A circuit.

But read my whole post, as I said, this is not a good place for the OP and she should look out for herself and leave.
Don’t just quote one line and pretend that was the whole point being made.

[Jealoushe]

I just wanted to say its a common thing in these relationships for you to feel like you won’t be able to ride at this level again, or have a horse as nice again, or learn as much again. The fact is, you are being used. You have valuable skills and clearly a good work ethic. Any barn would be lucky to have you.

There are some really good eventing barns looking for working students right now that offer good hours, pay, housing, etc. Lots of nice horses to ride and learn on. There are ALWAYS more options. If you want this and you keep working hard you will certainly find something better.

[juniordilemma]

Thank you so much to everyone who has replied so far. I was definitely feeling very alone and doubting myself, so it was incredibly helpful to have others validate my emotions on the subject. I kind of just thought that there are some things you have to do if you want to make it in the sport without the same kind of financial backing as others and that I was being ungrateful by not sucking it up and dealing with it.

From others’ posts, I’ve gathered that I definitely need to have a thorough discussion with my friend about the specifics of me riding her horse, just to make sure everyone is on the same page and has the same expectations. I will also have to figure out training at shows, and an exit plan for the barn I am at now, as I did establish there will definitely be fall out.

To answer a few questions– I am sixteen with a January birthday, so have a good amount of time as a junior left ahead of me. I graduate high school in 2023. I don’t want to give out too much identifying information, but I show in the jumpers. I didn’t mean to be cocky when I stated I was the most advanced rider at my barn, but the vast majority of my trainer’s client base is older amateurs who show very few times per year and are content staying in the lower hunters at mostly schooling shows, with maybe one rated show per year.

My friend’s barn has a trainer who I am planning on going out to take a lesson with. She’s been described to me as “very similar to [current trainer] but actually nice.” This trainer doesn’t take clients to shows, so I would have to find a trainer that would be willing to let me meet their barn at shows. Is this common anymore? Will many trainers do it?

Friend’s barn also pays above minimum wage for stall cleaners, and the barn owner told me that we could definitely work out an arrangement in that regard.

I also wanted to especially thank @Equkelly for all of her advice. It really really resonated with me and I know I needed to hear it. Part of the reason my parents clued into how bad the situation was is because I lost a sudden amount of weight and developed unhealthy eating habits due to never eating during the days I worked.

Just to clarify, @trubandloki trainer put maybe five rides on “project horse” before she allowed me the ride on him. Since I started riding him she has put a grand total of two rides on him over the three years. I have been in lessons with her the whole time, but he was not a made A circuit winner prior to me. He had actually only competed at schooling shows mostly unsuccessfully in the hunters. I do feel uncomfortable working this many hours in order to ride a horse that I effectively did all the riding on myself to bring up the levels. I do understand your point though and appreciate it, just wanted to clear things up!

@Impractical_Horsewoman

One way to think about the concerns about burning a bridge is that people like Toxic Trainer set up bridges to be burnt. She’s just waiting for a reason to blame you for something going wrong so she can claim more time from you and bleed you dry.

This was also very eye-opening for me, thank you to @Impractical_Horsewoman you are exactly correct, no matter how much I don’t want to admit it.

Thank you so so much to everyone for all the stories and comments you shared, along with the advice. I was feeling so isolated and didn’t trust my own judgment on the matter. I know it may seem like an easy answer from the outside, but leaving the horses and people that have been such a big part of my life for so long will never be simple.

Also I hope I quoted and mentioned everyone in the proper format.

[2DogsFarm]

@juniordilemma

I didn’t mean to be cocky when I stated I was the most advanced rider at my barn, but the vast majority of my trainer’s client base is older amateurs who show very few times per year and are content staying in the lower hunters at mostly schooling shows, with maybe one rated show per year.

Uh… yeah, but with this added info you do come across as feeling more advanced than these “older amateurs”
Do you know for a fact how these riders were competing when they were your age?
Back when dimosaurs roamed the Earth (1960s) at 14 I was schooling Hunters (school horses) at 4’ - because that was the prevailing height to show.
When I was finally able to buy a horse of my own - at 39 - I had fulltime job that prevented me doing more than a half dozen shows - if that - per Season.
Still ended up Reserve AA & pinned in Medals.
I had little interest in Jumpers at the time. By my choice, not ability.
I regularly schooled myself over matural obstacles on trails & Training level obstacles on an Eventing course where I boarded.

While I agree you are being taken advantage of by this trainer. maybe your superior ability is not quite what you think compared to her other clients.

Best of Luck with your move to the new barn & trainer.