Last Week was Heckin Hard

Last week was possibly the worst of my life. Not sure why I’m posting here, maybe just to find some clarity from people outside of the situation. This is going to be long, so apologies in advance.

To start, my dad has early onset Alzheimer’s, diagnosed in 2021. I found out last week that after a follow up with the neurologist that some of his skills are now at a 3 out of 30. He’s not able to bathe himself and feeding himself is hit or miss. The neurologist said that he is at a point where he should not be left alone and my mom should be seeking professional memory care help. My parents made the decision early on that that my dad would not take meds to slow the decline, so everything feels like it is happening fast and it’s hard to process.

Now onto the second issue last week. We’ve been planning for my mom to come live with us under the assumption that she will outlive my dad. Well I get a text last week that I need to pick her up and take her to the hospital for heart issues. Thankfully, the issues themselves are not major but do put her at risk of stroke. Honestly, it scared me quite a bit thinking about her possibly passing before my dad or having a stroke at home with no one to call 911 with my dad’s current state.

So onto part three. We found out my MIL has stage four colon cancer. She’s not even 60 yet. Trying not to get into my head about this one, but looking up statistics online it seems grim.

And now onto part four - as part of my MIL’s testing we found out there’s a genetic component that predisposes you to cancer (something like a 70% chance of colon cancer). My husband had testicular cancer at 26 and because of this, it seems highly likely he has this same genetic condition but he will need to get tested, along with my 18 month son. Having gone through the chemo process with him before, I don’t even know how to process this one.

We have our own farm and are in the final stages of building a house and moving. I am stressed beyond belief right now. The thought of my husband passing prematurely is absolutely terrifying to me (I am in my early 30s). I will not be able to financially or physically care for the farm by myself, which is made harder by the fact that it is on his parent’s land.

I’m sure I’m jumping the gun, but part of me feels like I need to somehow prepare for the future. We have ten horses, three are pasture puffs, two have known issues that make them light riding only, and two more seem likely that they are light riding only but we haven’t done enough diagnostics to know their real limitations. The other three are OTTBs (all came off the track within the last 15 months). They have “jewelry” but two are quite capable jumpers, just not very marketable in my area. One is an anxious horse that would need a specific person and I get nervous thinking about selling her. These are my main riding horses and the thought of selling them on right now with everything going on makes me incredibly sad.

Looking at the future, it seems like 1) I’m not even sure how much time I’ll have to ride with both sets of parents needing help in the upcoming year and 2) I’m kind of in panic mode thinking about what would even happen if I lost my husband.

I think I just need a third party to come in and speak some logic into my life because I am definitely reeling from all of this.

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I’m sorry. That’s a lot to deal with.

Whilst its hard, I dont think you need to panic. It’s not a bad idea to have a dose of reality at some point to curb our horse collecting habits. That’s a lot of mouths to feed so I personally would start being realistic about their health and what conditions I would treat and things like that.

My father died as a result of dementia, it is extremely difficult and stressful for the partner and your mother will be needing quite a bit of help. Ultimately, my dad couldn’t be cared for at home and you will need to be understanding and supportive of that decision when it comes and not add to her burden of guilt and stress.

Colon cancer sucks, no doubt. But my brother in law has just had very successful surgery for it. He was out of hospital within 5 days and at his own 90th birthday party 2 weeks later. All internal, no bags or difficulty of that kind to deal with, and his normal spry and bright and shining self. Modern medicine has made huge strides even in the past 5 years. At least you now have a warning that he needs to be vigilant and be tested regularly and your son will also have that advanced warning, which is a lot more than most people get.

Chin up, one foot in front of the other. I wish you well!

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That is a lot to digest in one week and there are decisions that will need to be made as a result. But, for just a moment, take a breath. I can relate to much in your post. I am not the most laid back person in the world, so my brain took off trying to solve/address all the issues. I am sorry you are faced with what must feel like an overwhelming amount of health issues. Alzheimer’s, heart issues, cancer all suck. One step at a time. It is a lot, but you can do it. Take care of yourself - lots of water, a little meditating - and just keep moving forward. Fear of what might happen can be disabling, so try not to go too far down that rabbit hole.

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That’s a lot to cope with. But your husband- don’t get all pessimistic. People w hereditary cancer syndromes commonly have yearly screenings at academic oncology programs. These programs have sophisticated geneticists and it’s all they do-hereditary cancers. Knowing you have a genetic predisposition to cancer is frightening, but early surveillance finds early cancers when they are quite treatable. And he may never get another malignancy. A genetic syndrome isn’t a slam dunk, it’s a vulnerability.

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Yikes, I got stressed for you, reading all that :frowning:

But, take a deep breath. One of the issues here is that there’s just SO much thrown at you at once, and all really awful stuff. It hits you like a crapton of bricks.

These wise words I learned many years ago from Dale Carnegie are, to paraphrase:

Is there anything you can do to prevent, or mitigate the outcome?

If no, then stop worrying, it only removes any joy you have in the situation
If yes, then make a plan, a concrete plan that you know is a living document, and start working it

Far more regular, and earlier, colonoscopies are in your DH’s future. Most colon cancer is caused by polyps, but most polyps don’t turn cancerous quickly at all, and a colonoscopy can get them out of there.

Get the tests done for your DH and son. That’s Step 1 of The Plan. Once you have those results, formulate the next steps with your Drs to be very proactive in checking

Your mom - what did her doc(s) say about how to mitigate the heart issues? If they’re old school and just want drugs, I would suggest trying to find a naturopath or other more “modernized” Dr who can dive into diet, lifestyle, supplements, that sort of thing. You can’t change genetics, but you CAN minimize, to some extent, the risks of those genes causing problems

Have a plan for downsizing horses quickly if something horrible happens, and a plan for selling the farm and potentially moving to a much smaller farm, or having just 1-2 horses you can board. With that step in place, you won’t be panicking and stressing if it comes to that, just put it into motion. And, part of that plan may absolutely be to euthanize the more difficult horse(s) if you don’t have a good friend you’d trust with their life, literally

I get it, having potential ENORMOUS life changes thrown into your field of view is terrifying. Don’t shove that out of sight, but do your best to not dwell there either. Having plans in place to be executed under stress is actually an enormous stress reducer.

And, if at all possible, find some counseling for yourself <3 Many work places offer it for free, or cheap, as part of employee benefits. They can help you dive into the real-time details and stresses to help you first recognize them (we don’t always recognize behaviors caused by stresses) and then help get control of them

Hugs!

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Thank you all for the thoughtful responses!

No doubt I’ll have to make some tough decisions for what is in my control. I think having a worst-case contingency plan is something I should probably be considering as it were and be more concise with an updated will. Because our property is technically on my in-laws land (they live on the same plot of land), it makes the situation more mentally/emotionally challenging thinking of selling. However, we’re probably going to have a hard conversation with them as well on that, as life just isn’t fair sometimes.

Follow up for Mom is to see a cardiologist for more specific management. Her diet is already quite decent (eats healthy, no alcohol, no caffeine) so meds may be one of the options. Her dad passed from complications from similar heart issues. Her mom passed from Alzheimer’s, which is why my parents made the decision not to prolong with meds as the experience was awful. My sister seems to think she’s in a bit of denial in regards to my dad’s current state. They live solely on social security (financial consequences from my dad’s memory loss), which limits care options but we are looking into what our county offers.

It does help to put it into perspective that as far as the cancer is involved, my husband is much more likely to get ahead of anything with annual visits that will now need to be scheduled. My MIL is at a far worse state as the cancer is in her lungs and spread to her kidney. I think part of what makes this hard is that DH went through a very tough chemo treatment once before and the thought of doing that again, let alone possibly losing him, is terrifying on top of likely losing his mom at a relatively young age.

Just processing everything. Again, appreciate all of the responses!

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You’ve already had some wonderful responses but I just wanted to add re: colon cancer, when my sister was diagnosed with it in her mid-forties, my father casually mentioned that his mother had died young of the disease and that his sister also had it. All news to me and my siblings and we had to quickly get up to speed. No one enjoys colonoscopies but they are a terrific preventative measure that take much of the worry and risk out of living with a cancer predisposition. Best of luck to you in having to process and deal with this all at once.

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I don’t have any words of wisdom so

{{{{HUGS}}}}

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Firstly-- sending hugs and jingles your way!

Secondly-- dealing with many of the same issues at the moment-- please feel free to PM any time to comiserate!

Thirdly-- colonoscopies do save lives, and are really no big deal. The thought of losing your spouse is absolutely terrifying, and I can’t imagine what it feels like to have already dealt with a bout of cancer.

My experience is also that all of this feels much harder at the holidays! Echoing everything said about plans, deep breaths, counseling, etc.!

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