Leaving A Trainer With Grace, And On Good Terms

[DoomPony]

Now, if you’ve followed my other threads you might know I’ve been considering leaving where I currently ride. I’d go try a lesson at the place I’m considering moving to of course (Christiane Noelting Dressage Center), before (and if) I make the switch. Question is, how do break it to my current trainer? Should I tell her why I’m leaving? Should I leave it for my mom to break the news?

The hard thing is, I have a lot more than a trainer/student relationship with her. She’s like my second mom, and has been my cheerleader through a lot of my struggles. Leaving her would be very tough for me emotionally, but I just feel like I’m not learning anything from her anymore (feel free to PM me if you want to know details. I don’t want to turn this into a novel). How would you do it? What experiences have you had?

[TBROCKS]

[QUOTE=DoomPony;7666093]
Leaving her would be very tough for me emotionally, but I just feel like I’m not learning anything from her anymore (feel free to PM me if you want to know details. I don’t want to turn this into a novel). How would you do it? What experiences have you had?[/QUOTE]

^ Why can’t you say this to her? Your goal is to respectfully quit your trainer, hopefully without bashing her to pieces in the process. If she cares about you as you say, she might not be happy, but she will most likely understand.
I would not have your mom tell her, unless you plan to go through life having your mom handle all your tough, uncomfortable situations.

[LouBeans]

Your motive for moving seems like a very reasonable one, I would just be honest with her. Say that you’ve been happy with things thus far (I’m assuming you have been if you have second-mom relationship with her), but you would like to take your riding in a different direction. You shouldn’t have to go into heavy detail I think, but if she asks if there’s anything she can do to make it work just reiterate that you feel this is the best choice for you. I really wouldn’t have your mom do it for you- if you continue with horses throughout your life you may continue to run into these situations.

[WannabeDQ]

Just be honest. Tell her you won’t be taking lesson’s anymore and thank her for all her help and support. If she asks for more detail, you can tell her what you told us. A good trainer recognizes when a student has outgrown them and will usually want the best for them.

I had a trainer a few years ago that I considered a very good friend and really did a lot to help me get started in Dressage (including leasing me her saint of a lower level schoolmaster). Then she started getting flaky on me. After standing me up 3 times in a row for a lesson, I had enough. I just told her thanks for all your help but I won’t be needing lessons anymore. She then did not respond, defriended me on Facebook and pretended not to know who I was when I called her. So yeah, there is always a chance she could not take it well.

I moved on to a more experienced (and professional) trainer and it was the best decision. My riding has improved so much since then.

Good luck!

[Daisyesq]

If she asks why, you can stay vague, “Thanks for all your help but I’m looking for a new experience.”

Also, it would help to take a lesson or two at your new place before breaking up. You’ll be more certain about the move, which makes it easier.

[merrygoround]

To the OP. In riding there is occasionally a time to " move on". Most honest instructors realize this and encourage it.

Lets hope your instructor fits in this category… Has she/he been open to you riding in clinics. If so, she may well be the good kind.

Lastly, remember “You can’t make an omelet without breaking eggs.”

Good luck!

[DoomPony]

Let me make a few things clearer. I love this woman to DEATH. She’s done very special things for me like help me find my horse without asking for commission, to simpler things like just giving me a hug when another horse we looked at fell through. My issues are that she isn’t very flexible when it comes to her training style, doesn’t have much knowledge of the UL dressage and para dressage world, and has made empty promises (ie “you’ll be off lunge line soon” and stuff like that). I also have traumatic memories associated with the arena we ride in. I think she gets frustrated sometimes on days when I can’t focus, but part of the reason I can’t focus is I’m trying to not have panic attacks and wallow in the memories of past incidents in that arena. WWYD?

[Tnavas]

Riders often outgrow the level their instructor can work at, and a good instructor will know their limits.

Explain that you want to go up another level and that you have appreciated her help and will miss her friendship.

It is hard to move on from a place you’ve been happy.

[WasthatC]

Sometimes we don’t outgrow our trainers but need a fresh perspective and a new direction. Outgrow implies the rider’s skill set has moved beyond the trainer’s knowledge or abilities which might not be the case.
If I were the OP I would be honest about the emotional baggage in the current trainer’s arena.

[OverandOnward]

[QUOTE=DoomPony;7668502]
… I think she gets frustrated sometimes on days when I can’t focus, but part of the reason I can’t focus is I’m trying to not have panic attacks and wallow in the memories of past incidents in that arena. WWYD?[/QUOTE]

This is more you than her - be honest with yourself about that. Learning how to deal with these old demons will be part of developing your riding. You may need a new setting to help you move on, at this point in your life, anyway. You can tell her that, if you feel it’s appropriate. You probably do need something more and different than she is equipped to give - no fault on either side, sometimes that’s the way things are.

You’ll do all you can to keep it on good terms. If she’s professional, she’ll handle this well enough. If not, don’t worry about it. You can’t control her reaction. You can just control yours.

[QUOTE=WasthatC;7668523]Sometimes we don’t outgrow our trainers but need a fresh perspective and a new direction. Outgrow implies the rider’s skill set has moved beyond the trainer’s knowledge or abilities which might not be the case.
If I were the OP I would be honest about the emotional baggage in the current trainer’s arena.[/QUOTE]

well said

[LouBeans]

[QUOTE=DoomPony;7668502]
Let me make a few things clearer. I love this woman to DEATH. She’s done very special things for me like help me find my horse without asking for commission, to simpler things like just giving me a hug when another horse we looked at fell through. My issues are that she isn’t very flexible when it comes to her training style, doesn’t have much knowledge of the UL dressage and para dressage world, and has made empty promises (ie “you’ll be off lunge line soon” and stuff like that). I also have traumatic memories associated with the arena we ride in. I think she gets frustrated sometimes on days when I can’t focus, but part of the reason I can’t focus is I’m trying to not have panic attacks and wallow in the memories of past incidents in that arena. WWYD?[/QUOTE]

Again, I would just be completely honest. You can omit the parts you feel that would upset her, but just say exactly what you wrote.

The great UL riders out there don’t tend to stick with one trainer their whole lives- many of them eventually branch out, go overseas, etc in order to continue growing as a rider.

I am currently in the process of having to turn down a work position with a lovely trainer because it is not the right fit for me or the horse I currently have. It is no reflection on her, as she is professional, friendly, and willing to work with you- I’ve known her for quite awhile now, and while I don’t think of her as a second mom, I happen to like her a great deal. But it simply isn’t the right direction for my horse and I. I was concerned at first having to break this news to her, as I don’t want hurt feelings and I know she was excited to have me, but in the end I know this is the best decision for both sides.

Not very recently I did end my training/work relationship with someone who I thought of as a sister more than a mom. It was perfect until it wasn’t, and as I became more stressed I knew things couldn’t continue as they were. I was completely honest, and in the end while it was very sad to be leaving my “family” in the end it was the best possible thing.