In 2005 I made the difficult to decision to euthanize my "horse of a lifetime, and it absolutely crushed me. I was only able to show him for 3 years before he was severely injured, and he was never quite the same. For 10 years I loved and supported him, but when I was finally forced to bring him peace, I was absolutely crushed and I walked away from horses for 7 years. I put away ALL of the photos and trophies - I could not bear the sight of them. During that time, I traveled all over the world, lived it up on the Atlanta social scene, dined at all the great restaurants, hit the big events, bought whatever I wanted, drove nice cars, etc… I had a great run and it was fun, but something felt like it was missing.
I was still friends with a family from my old barn, and they had a daughter who needed help getting to the barn to ride her pony. While it was an hour away, I picked her up every Friday (I worked a 4/10 work week) and spent nearly the entire day with her. We went to the barn to ride her pony, then had lunch together, or would play tennis. She was maybe 11 or 12 at the time and everything was lighthearted and fun, with no pressure. Being with her made me realize that I missed the horses, and by the end of the summer I started taking lessons. I had never really learned to jump (although I have photos of my jumping 3’ as a child, I had no formal training and never even knew what getting the step meant), so it was tough learning to jump in my late 30’s/early 40’s. I wish for that reason alone that I hadn’t taken 7 years off and had pursued my dream of jumping sooner - 7 years prior a fall would have felt different!
After a few lessons, I slowly pulled the old photos back out and dusted off my ribbons/trophies and put them back on the shelf, and unbeknownst to me, this became somewhat of a vision board. Seeing those pictures made me imagine the possibilities. For seven years I’d had time to save money, my career had advanced significantly, and I really missed the horses so I took the next step and leased a horse. I fell in the love with my lease horse, but we weren’t able to negotiate on a sale to make him mine, so I sadly sent him back after the year was up.
Because I knew that I couldn’t deal with the emotional loss of a horse and coming to the barn and seeing an empty stall - not even the end of a lease - I arranged a month-to-month lease so I would have a horse to ride and love. One month later, my previous lease horse died in a tragic barn fire. It was devastating but I had to forge ahead with my new lease horse - I had a responsibility to him and it kept me going. This horse wasn’t perfect - he had some conformational issues and some on/off lameness - but he was perfect for me. I was able to get him fit and compete, and more important than anything we had a very special relationship. Eventually the trainer offered to give me this special horse, and I had mixed feelings. I knew I would never accomplish my dreams of moving up on him as he was height restricted, and horses are expensive. But I followed my heart and accepted the offer. I had two more great years with him before he fractured his coffin bone and had to retire. And for another year and half I still saw him nearly every day. Keeping him was the best decision I ever made because it helped remind me why I love this sport. Showing is fun, and it’s great to have that winning trip. But some of the biggest wins I’ve had as an equestrian came from providing loving care from the ground. My SO and I were shopping for farms so we could bring him home for retirement, and one day I got the “colic call” and the vet advised that surgery wasn’t an option due to his age and his condition - he was found too late. All the money in the world could not have saved him and it was too late. It took me almost 3 months just to deposit the insurance check - suddenly, money meant nothing. I just wanted my horse back. The entire experience changed both my perspective and my expectations about what I wanted from the sport. It also gave me another 2 years to save money and made me re-evaluate the “value” of showing. I also learned that it’s limiting to tell yourself that you only get one horse of a lifetime, as this horse was just as special as my other horse - just for a different part of my life.
After 6 weeks I knew I couldn’t go another 7 years without a horse and started taking lessons again. 6 months later I was eventually able to get that move up horse I always dreamed of. He’s amazing and was worth the wait. Since I always wanted to help a young up and coming trainer, I have him in a barn where he is trained by an apprentice who is getting a great experience bringing him along. I’m at a place in my life where I can give back a little and it makes my heart happy. We went to WEF, but just for the experience and we had a blast since we really had no expectations except to go enjoy a “WEFcation.” COVID-19 hit two months after I bought him, and it’s been a blessing as it caused us to take a green reinstatement and pursue dressage for the summer, and I’m having the time of my life learning about this new discipline. I’m also spending less money which is always helpful. There is a lot to be said about trying something new when things go awry - like they always say, when things don’t go right, go left! Always keep an open mind - you just never know what doors will open for you.
One thing I have learned is that if the timing isn’t right, then being around horses can be extremely depressing. My heart told me when it was time to come back, and my mind confirmed it. I never dreamed I’d go to WEF, not even to watch. Ocala maybe, but not WEF. And yet one afternoon I found myself in the middle of it all hacking with Tori Colvin among the palm trees. And I realized she’s just a person like me who loves horses and that we have more in common than one might think.
Best of luck finding your path forward, and remember that when a door closes, always look for a window to open!
