We all grieve in a different way. Take the time you need to miss your beloved horse. I think you will know when it is time to look again.
This thread has been wonderful for me. I lost my mare to a combination of melanomas and colic complications. We were together for 20 years - that’s a lot of memories. After three weeks, I am still crying and missing her. I’m over 50 myself and it’s tough.
Reading this quote two days ago: “The question for me was: do you want to spend what time you have left not riding?” lifted my spirits a lot - thank you for sharing this!
I am now trying to move on and think about how I want to spend the next twenty years :). I have to decide what kind of riding I wan to do and on what kind of horse.
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I think most of us can tell a similar story of losing a horse. It can be devastating for sure. I lost my heart-horse after an 8-day battle with colic. I was crushed and pretty sure I’d never find that bond again.
I did though, and you will too one day. It just takes patience. I’ll save you my long story, but here are some of the important lessons I learned:
Allow yourself time to grieve.
Don’t go horse-shopping too soon or if you are emotional - you will buy the wrong horse.
Give it time. You didn’t develop a bond with your last horse overnight, your next one will be no different. You will have all of the wins and losses and struggles and joys that helped you develop the bond you had with your last horse. Allow yourself to enjoy the process without being hard on yourself of having unrealistic expectations of a new horse.
Don’t force things. You will just get frustrated.
You’ll get there. It will be ok. This horse will always have a special place in your heart, and that’s ok. There are others out there that will also bring you joy.
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OP, linking my COTH blog below, I hope some of these words help you find something meaningful to you. I lost my heart horse a year and a half ago. It still feels like it happened last night.
https://www.chronofhorse.com/article…lateral-beauty
I tried to see some of the meaningful moments in that long, month-long colic saga. It was tough, but writing the article helped. If you like to write, I suggest jotting down what you’re feeling about your horse and how it is affecting you. Or talk to friends if that helps you more. A loss that devastating affects people differently, and I still have nights where I wish I could lay down beside Soon and be taken too. Life without him sometimes is just too much.
But…at the same time, I knew pretty soon after putting Soon down that there would be another horse. I swore off horses during the hospital stay and the ups/downs. But after he passed, there was a strange calm that passed over me and I knew there would be another someday. I didn’t put a timeline on it, I figured it would be at least six months if not a year or more away, and I could ride some training horses in the meantime when I was ready. But crazy enough, the next one fell into my lap only a few weeks later. I wasn’t looking, I didn’t think I was ready, and part of me felt guilty. But part of me also knew this was a great young horse and worth the risk.
I had to be stationed overseas with the military this past year, but now that I’m finally back in Kentucky with my new kid (literally flew in yesterday…Jet lag is real!) I am so grateful I took a chance on this guy. We have a lot of reconnecting to do, a lot of growing and learning together, but maybe this horse is the one I spend a lifetime with. We’ll see. Maybe Soon had to leave so that Sig could come into my life. Maybe. Maybe not. But I’m excited for the journey ahead. I won’t say it gets easier because I still miss Soon so much it feels like my heart bleeds. But eventually getting back to horses, getting back to a routine, whenever the time is right for YOU, will help you eventually heal.
My heart goes out to you.
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Thank you all for your kind words and your shared experiences. I’ve selected this particular quote because of the question: There is no way I want to spend the rest of my life horseless. I have planned my future around my horse, and now everything feels in limbo. W. H. Auden put how I feel about my horse best: “He was my North, my South, my East and West/ My working week and my Sunday rest/ My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song/ I thought that love would last forever; I was wrong.”
I only owned Mack for a year and half. He had numerous health issues during that time, a heart issue and several minor colics. I saw that the situation he was in (show barn with good care but very limited turnout) was not the best for him. I started looking for new places, but wanted to take the time to find just the right place so I didn’t have to move him twice. I thought I had that time to take.
A post- mortem exam revealed no cause. I think maybe 24- hour turnout on short grass could have bought him a year or two, but it was just bound to happen. His history and exam made that clear. It is so bewildering to not know what I can do. I thought I did everything right. I spent all the time in the world with him, read books and asked questions, never skimped on vet care. I wish I could learn something more from this about horse care, but all I have learned is to not wait. To not save my showing money for when I can jump higher. To not go home early and do a more thorough grooming tomorrow. To not wait and see if an ailment resolves itself.
But I have to wait for one thing a little bit. I try to tell myself I want another horse, but all I want is him back. I want to try lots of horses so I can find the right one, but I will never be able to pick because I already found the right one once. I’m planning on starting to look in September, and maybe by then I can stop comparing every horse to him… and I need to because I will never find anyone better.
Yet, I do need to get a move on. Because I have his shoes and part of his tail and his tack and his halter and some of his ashes but the greatest thing I have of his is what he taught me. To extend my idleness and reduce the frequency in which I engage in my singular passion would be a dishonor to his memory.
Thank you to all who have shared. It is very helpful to hear that my pain is not excessive. These animals fill up so much of our hearts. I doubt I will ever love a human like I love that horse-- he was something transcended, beyond the mortal scale of beauty. His spirit was too strong to be held in his mortal form.
My sincerest condolences to all those who have to mourn as I do. Our tears together could make rivers flow.
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I know that the journey of moving on after losing a dear partner is different for everyone. I still do not ride regularly because no horse I sit on is “the right one” - they aren’t him.
But I hope you find, as I have, and that it sounds that others have as well… that while you can never replace that which you’ve lost, and you will never be able to recreate or replicate the bond you had with him, you can find another equine partner who fills your life with joy and love and laughter in their own, individual way. It will not be the same. How could it be? They will never be the one that you wish you hadn’t lost…but you can love them in another way that is no less “good” or meaningful… it is different, but it does not have to be less.
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I still catch myself calling my current horse by my last horse’s name. Both big sweet geldings, but different characters and breeds. I had my last boy for 23 years. I was lucky. No animal we love lives long enough. Speaking for myself, I didn’t get another horse for 13 or 14 years in between. I kept his picture on my desk. If I had a friend to urge me to get another horse maybe I would have, but I had lost touch with my horse friends.
It took something like a bump from the universe or God to get me back into horse ownership again. I have been doing wholesale conventions for my business for over 20 years. Never in that time was I ever near a convention neighbor who had a horse until last year. In January of 2018 I worked two conventions in a row where the women in the booths next to me had horses. They talked to me of their horses and I thought… “Shoot, if they can do it, so can I.” That got the ball rolling and I regret all those years without a horse, except for the fact that I wouldn’t have the sweet boy I have now. It almost feels like this ownership/partnership was meant to be, and maybe it was.
I’m truly sorry for your loss. Pick yourself up whenever you can handle it and find yourself another horse. They won’t be the same, but they’ll still be wonderful for you.
I am so sorry for your loss. Reading your story makes my heart hurt for both your loss and my own loss.
My heart horse passed October 2018. I call her my heart horse because she brought me back from a 10 year hiatus as a 4 year old OTTB. She was the best. Unfortunately, she was only 7 years old when colic took her within 6 hours. It progressed so quickly the option to trailer her to the university hospital was lost. It was quite traumatic for me.
I feel like I literally fell apart for a few days. My vet said something that really stuck with me and has helped me to move forward and even bring in a new horse. (Who I love dearly). She told me a story about her horse colicing at a show when she was a young girl and how agonizing it was but there is a reason for it and I too would find a reason behind this tragedy. I asked her what her reason was and she said “so that I could be here with you.” And she sat there in the dirt with me stroking my sweet girl until I could stand again.
It’s hard for most people to understand the loss of a horse.
My vet also also sent me this quote which hit hard: " Grief never ends…but it changes. It’s a passage, not a place to stay. Grief in not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith…it is the price of love."
Grieve the way you need to but realize sometimes grief is the result of our immense love having no place to go…so don’t rule out loving another. <3
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So very sorry for your loss 
longlanefarm wrote: “My vet also also sent me this quote which hit hard: " Grief never ends…but it changes. It’s a passage, not a place to stay. Grief in not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith…it is the price of love.”
This has me in tears now. I often tell myself if I hadn’t loved him so much, it wouldn’t hurt so much. Grief truly is “the price of love.” Even in my tears after ten years, I know, “Love like that is worth it.”
Condolences to you, McKinley. Sorry for your loss. (((HUGS))).
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OP, I lost my best friend to colic 20 years ago and it still hurts. Maybe not as bad as the day it happened, but it is always there. I find that I can smile now, and talk about the good memories for a few minutes at least. She was an Arabian and she questioned me ALL THE TIME. We had very similar personalities and I always encouraged her to think things through. I will miss her every day until I breathe my last breath.
There have been a few horses in my life, and every single one of them have been special in their own way. The next worst experience was a mare that I had gotten 5 months prior from a dear friend who entrusted me with her because she was no longer in a position to give her everything she needed. 5 MONTHS. That phone call was one of the worst ones I’ve ever had to make.
Colic is the one thing that scares me the most. My boy is 30 this year and I just am dreading the day that we lose him. He has been a part of my family for 29 years now - he is more a part of my family than some of my people family. It will break my heart all over again, and I’m not sure I’ll be able to overcome it this time. There just aren’t words to express my dread at this inevitability.
When I lost my mare 20 years ago we already had him. He has been an “only child” for those 20 years and that isn’t going to change, so I very VERY seriously doubt I will ever have another horse in my life after he is gone.
Sending you hugs, good vibes and my very deepest heartfelt sympathy on the loss of your dear friend………
We grieve because we love - some take a longer time because the love was stronger. 
