Loss of the Horse of a Lifetime and Bringing Yourself to Ride the Other Horse?

[PrinceSheik325]

Hi all…yesterday morning, I made the horrendously heartbreaking decision to put down my best friend and all-around confidant of 17 years. He was an older gent enjoying a well-deserved retirement, but his passing was still unexpected and sudden. I am overwhelmed with grief and find myself crying very often. Case in point…I’ve already broken down for seemingly no reason in front of three colleagues.

The last thing I want to do is go to the barn and deal with not seeing him there, but I feel like I have to. I do realize it’s very new and that time will help me heal, but in the meantime, I have a young, rambunctious gelding who I know is going to be crazy bad if I don’t continue riding him regularly this week. I also imagine my gelding is grieving for the loss of his best bed and older “brother.” I know others could ride him for me, but I kind of feel like it’s something I need to do. That being said, I’m dreading my first trip out there and worried that I’m going to be angry with my horse if he misbehaves (as he is likely to do). I can already tell little thoughts of “why can’t you be more like your older brother?” are creeping into my mind. I know that’s not fair to him, and I’m trying to flush them out as quickly as possible. But, for all you fellow equestrians out there who lost a heart horse, but still had a responsibility to keep going with your other horse or horses, how did you do it? How did you move beyond your loss? Thanks in advance.

Also, please don’t think I don’t care for my other horse. I love him dearly, but he’s relatively new to the family and hasn’t had a chance to bond with me like my older darling did. I know we’ve got a great future ahead of us. It’s just hard to think about riding another horse after recently losing my heart horse.

[redalter]

I am so terribly sorry!

[QUOTE=PrinceSheik325;8335717]
Hi all…yesterday morning, I made the horrendously heartbreaking decision to put down my best friend and all-around confidant of 17 years. He was an older gent enjoying a well-deserved retirement, but his passing was still unexpected and sudden. I am overwhelmed with grief and find myself crying very often. Case in point…I’ve already broken down for seemingly no reason in front of three colleagues.

The last thing I want to do is go to the barn and deal with not seeing him there, but I feel like I have to. I do realize it’s very new and that time will help me heal, but in the meantime, I have a young, rambunctious gelding who I know is going to be crazy bad if I don’t continue riding him regularly this week. I also imagine my gelding is grieving for the loss of his best bed and older “brother.” I know others could ride him for me, but I kind of feel like it’s something I need to do. That being said, I’m dreading my first trip out there and worried that I’m going to be angry with my horse if he misbehaves (as he is likely to do). I can already tell little thoughts of “why can’t you be more like your older brother?” are creeping into my mind. I know that’s not fair to him, and I’m trying to flush them out as quickly as possible. But, for all you fellow equestrians out there who lost a heart horse, but still had a responsibility to keep going with your other horse or horses, how did you do it? How did you move beyond your loss? Thanks in advance.

Also, please don’t think I don’t care for my other horse. I love him dearly, but he’s relatively new to the family and hasn’t had a chance to bond with me like my older darling did. I know we’ve got a great future ahead of us. It’s just hard to think about riding another horse after recently losing my heart horse.[/QUOTE]

Prince - please accept my deepest sympathy!

I went through this a few years ago. My older horse of a lifetime died at the age of 22. Just gone one morning, not a mark on him.

I found it VERY difficult to even think of riding my other horse, who I had just gotten 6 months previously.
I felt grief, guilt, numbness, all kinds of things.

IT is a very personal thing, and probably everyone responds in a different way.

I would say be kind to yourself first. Grieve - in whatever way brings you comfort.

Don’t try to put any expectations on yourself.

If you do decide to ride, maybe just hack out, don’t ask too much of yourself or your horse. Give yourself time.

My gosh, I just wish there were something I could say to make it better, I know how you are feeling.

It has been nearly 5 years for me, and there are times I still think I see him out of the corner of my eye.

Hugs to you.

[talkofthetown]

So sorry for what you are going through. Everyone is different, but you might actually find that your horse helps you through the grieving process. It might even accelerate building that bond that you currently feel is lacking.

Like redalter said, don’t put any pressure on yourself. ((Hugs))

[talkofthetown]

So sorry for what you are going through. Everyone is different, but you might actually find that your horse helps you through the grieving process. It might even accelerate building that bond that you currently feel is lacking.

Like redalter said, don’t put any pressure on yourself. ((Hugs))

[PrinceSheik325]

Thank you both so much for your suggestions. I’m about to head out to the barn now. Trying to keep the water works to a minimum.

[fordtraktor]

Or…just take a few weeks off. It is not a problem. longe him when you go back out, no big deal. Everyone needs time to decompress sometimes and if you just need a break to process, it is OK. The other horse will be JUST FINE.

No pressure, whatever you do.

[fooler]

Go out and just mess with your gelding. Groom, hand graze, cry in his mane, whatever just pay attention to him. My gelding has surprised me in how he has needed my attention in the past 6 months since I had to put down my old mare.

Hugs for you.

[BigMick]

I’m dealing with this right now as well. My fabulous horse was laid to rest about a month and half ago. I’ve been very private about it, except of course for those closest to me (no posts on Facebook - I can’t even imagine a Facebook memory popping up one year from now about “RIP, dobbin” .

I have another horse as my primary mount now. I adore him, but I’m struggling with feelings of total ambivalence. I was this way about the one I just lost when I first got him too though. (Was just retiring one that had drained me emotionally and financially). So, I keep telling myself to keep going, great things are around the corner.

Like you, I burst into tears unexpectantly. Thankfully, my friends “get it” and understand the emotions that come with this.

One day day at a time…

[shea_smom]

The very hardest thing is that first trip back to the barn. What you feel is normal. I hope you got some comfort today from your younger guy.
Hugs to you.

[pepper1986]

So sorry for your loss. My HOL passed away in 2008 in a pasture at my sister’s farm. I’ve only just in the last year been back to my sister’s farm. Due to financial reasons I’ve been unable to afford to get another horse (quite frankly, I don’t know how anyone can afford one theses days!). But I know if I had another horse at the time it might have made my HOL’s passing easier. You need time to grieve but you have to keep busy and having another buddy there will ease some, not all, of your pain. Hopefully your buddy will give you the comfort you need.

[asterix]

There is no road map for grief. I, too, have been there, twice in the last ten years. Feelings of ambivalence or even resentment about the horse you still have are normal, though of course not his fault.
As others have said, give yourself permission to grieve. Try and see your horse - it might help. If it doesn’t, find a solution for his health and exercise in the near term and take some time.
This does get more tolerable. You cannot fill the hole, and you cannot replace the bond, but you can move forward.

[Laurierace]

I am going through this exact same thing only my young horse is in full training so no need for me to ride her if I don’t feel like it. I have ridden her twice since my gelding died and she was wonderful thankfully. I am moving her from the trainer’s barn into my gelding’s stall tomorrow so it is either I ride her or she doesn’t get ridden. Hopefully that lights a fire under me to get going.

[ivy62]

We lost our heart horse almost 4 years ago. He was still working at teaching us a ton. Pasture accident, he broke his leg. I cried and cried…I had another horse in the fleid I had to take care of. I walked in the barn and saw the empty stall and still cried. Grieving is the price we pay for love… Everyone does it differently. I try not to make comparrisons but it happens, just like with children. Do what you are comfortable wirth and always remember your life is richer for having had him in your life.
Let no one make you feel like you need to do anything. I did not ride for almost 3 months and when I got on one of the schoolies I cried so hard… Did I not want to ride any more? I did and he is up there watching over us every time we got on a horse.
We did eventually get another one, he completely different but in so many ways the same… Hug yourself and hug your other horse… Bring a box of tissues…
So sorry…

[JP60]

Though not with the same intensity, I had to make a transition from my first horse, the one that got me started in riding to another. She had gotten unsafe to ride and the right thing was to retire her and get another.

Folks have said wonderful things in support, I cannot add much more, but I will relate my experience from a longer term viewpoint.

When I got my next horse, he and I did not hit it off well. In short, I rode him like he was my Heart Horse Mercedes. End result, he bucked, he stopped at jumps, and I blamed him for all my woes with him. He was not my wonderful perfect Mercedes.

The lowest point was at a show where he bucked 5 times in dressage and we never made it to jumping. When my trainer stepped in, and in my first lesson back with her, she said this…“Sterling is not Mercedes. You cannot blame him, get angry with him, compare him for he is different and you chose him for some reason. Let’s get to work”.

I let go all the negativities, resentments, and comparisons I had between the two and started to open up to what Sterling could teach me. He was different, he was better, and over time the relationship I had had with Mercedes was carried over into Sterling. I learned to trust him so he could trust me. I learned how to be a better rider because he demanded that of me (Mercedes was much forgiving for a new rider), and I was able to finally accept him into my heart as much as I did with Mercedes. Five years later and we are having a blast. It does get better.

Open your heart to your new guy, give him time to show what he can do and understand that the love you felt for your heart horse will never go away, just because you build a new relationship with your next horse. Sterling and I have (hopefully) a long time still together, but thanks to Mercedes, I know understand that there is a time to let go so you can start to carry another.

My heart goes out to you, all the best and consider that a year from now you may be going to a show, joyful in the performance of both and being able to remember that same joy from the past. That is life.

[HP_sblueskyenterprise]

I’m so sorry for your loss. Hugs.

[PrinceSheik325]

Thank you all for the responses. You have no idea the amount of comfort I’ve gotten from reading them. I appreciate your thoughts and suggestions.

[ponymom64]

So sorry for your loss - it is heartbreaking. Everyone grieves differently. We lost my DD’s horse three months ago and we were very private about it, which I’m not sure whether that makes it easier or harder. I’m not sure what my colleagues thought while it was going on - I was pretty much hysterical for two weeks. I don’t cry every. single. day. anymore but still pbly a good 3 - 5 times a week.

We haven’t yet been able to go back to the barn and collect his things, it’s just too upsetting. DD just started riding again recently at a friend of a friend’s sale barn, it’s not the same as riding your own but it has been helping the way she feels.

Many hugs for you, don’t put any pressure on yourself to do anything any particular way. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other

[tarheelmd07]

PrinceSheik325 -

I am going through this right now, and I feel your pain. I lost my quirky red horse a week ago today to a pasture accident - he was only 11. We had been through a lot together, and though he may not have been quite as talented as my green bean, he was my buddy. Driving into the barn driveway, not seeing him at the gate, and walking into the barn and seeing his empty stall still brings me to tears, even if it’s been a good day where I’ve been able to, at least on the surface, keep it together.

For the first few days, I didn’t really want to ride my other horse…but we had a lesson set up with a visiting instructor (set up for the horse I lost), and, though my barn offered to let me cancel the lesson without penalty, they encouraged me to ride the other horse. I’m glad I did as, for those 45 minutes, I was able to just take a deep breath and focus on something else.

Poppi will never fill his older brother’s shoes, and the thoughts of “why can’t you be more like your brother” have definitely crept in…but when I step back, those thoughts were there before I lost Stash - and there were days that I wondered why Stash, who had been working for much longer than Poppi couldn’t do something that his little brother caught on to more quickly. I know that it will become easier to accept with time, but somewhere deep down I know that I don’t really want Poppi to be like Stash…he’s his own horse, and that’s what makes him special…and what made Stash special as well.

Swapping stories about Stash has been helpful to some degree, but I think what has helped me most is that I am now riding my youngster in his older brother’s bridles. As silly as it may sound, it makes me feel like he’s there with us, at least on some level. It helps somewhat that Stash’s cross-country bridle was purchased from a friend when she lost her heart horse years ago. It became the cross-country bridle for the horse I had at the time, and has been passed from horse to horse upon retirement or passing. This weekend (we were already entered in an event before I lost my horse, and my friends encouraged me to come and spend the day riding and hanging out with them rather than scratching and sitting home being sad), my youngster ran xc for the first time with THE bridle as his cross-country bridle, and there was some comfort in that. I’m a great believer in karma…and the youngster won his division…so I like to think his big brother had a hand…er, hoof…in that in some way.

Hugs to you PrinceSheik, and to the others on this thread who’ve lost a beloved horse. It’s never easy…but hopefully there is a bit of comfort in knowing that we did right by them in the end…and now I’m crying again…

[Brynn]

[QUOTE=PrinceSheik325;8335717]
Hi all…yesterday morning, I made the horrendously heartbreaking decision to put down my best friend and all-around confidant of 17 years. He was an older gent enjoying a well-deserved retirement, but his passing was still unexpected and sudden. I am overwhelmed with grief and find myself crying very often. Case in point…I’ve already broken down for seemingly no reason in front of three colleagues.

The last thing I want to do is go to the barn and deal with not seeing him there, but I feel like I have to. I do realize it’s very new and that time will help me heal, but in the meantime, I have a young, rambunctious gelding who I know is going to be crazy bad if I don’t continue riding him regularly this week. I also imagine my gelding is grieving for the loss of his best bed and older “brother.” I know others could ride him for me, but I kind of feel like it’s something I need to do. That being said, I’m dreading my first trip out there and worried that I’m going to be angry with my horse if he misbehaves (as he is likely to do). I can already tell little thoughts of “why can’t you be more like your older brother?” are creeping into my mind. I know that’s not fair to him, and I’m trying to flush them out as quickly as possible. But, for all you fellow equestrians out there who lost a heart horse, but still had a responsibility to keep going with your other horse or horses, how did you do it? How did you move beyond your loss? Thanks in advance.

Also, please don’t think I don’t care for my other horse. I love him dearly, but he’s relatively new to the family and hasn’t had a chance to bond with me like my older darling did. I know we’ve got a great future ahead of us. It’s just hard to think about riding another horse after recently losing my heart horse.[/QUOTE]

I am saddened for you. I lost my once in a lifetime almost 4 years ago. I still miss her every day. It was tough. I leased a small farm, about 10 acres with a 4 stall barn and a ring. I had my pony Razz and my competition horse Dancer both at the farm. I had sold my pony in October and had to put Dancer down in November. Had I known I was going to lose my best friend, I wouldn’t have sold my pony. (I have since purchased him back and he will be with me forever. :)) But since it was “my” farm, I had to go back and begin to clean up the barn and pack up my belongings. I didn’t have any other horses, and wasn’t planning on getting another any time soon. It took me a solid 2 years before I would actually look to purchase another horse, actually over 3 years, but I am happy I waited. I grieved for Dancer for a long time, like almost 6 months. I had her since she was 3 and lost her at 18, so she was my whole life and childhood. It is very tough and I still have to stop myself from trying to compare Bridget to Dancer. The good thing, as they may have some similar “quirks,” but they are both very different, and I enjoy that. I really don’t want Bridget to be like Dancer, because in some way, I feel that would take away from my memories of her and I. Honestly, I’m tearing up just typing this… I miss her very much almost 4 years later. Guess I’m the sappy kind

On a bright note, it does get better. Each day, your heart will ache less and you will have a twinkle in your eye when you remember the good times.

[JustTheTicket]

If you dread going to the barn right now, then ask your trainer to ride your youngster for a week or so. Or just have someone lunge him. Its ok to be sad and not want to see that empty stall. We’ve all been there.

On the other hand, your barnmates can probably sympathize with you, and be a shoulder to cry on. They understand that losing a favorite horse is hard and they’re not going to judge you if you need to cry it out. And your other horse would probably be ok with just a grooming session or two and a week off.