As an Australian eventer I am more practical than pretty and honestly it’s not as bad as you think 
I think a bit more release may help you sort out the tension I see in your upper body, your lower body is fantastic by the way :D. I think more relaxation could actually help, maybe no hands through a grid as well? I am by no means an expert but I see a few issues I have worked through myself.
I think you should throw ‘how you look’ out the window (stop carrying the worry with you over fences) and concentrate instead on the horse’s movement – become a part of it rather than thinking of yourself as a poised passenger. In other words relax – especially your neck and back and be more generous with your release. Go with the horse’s flow. Have someone snap some pics of this caution to the wind adjustment. I think you’ll be surprised by how natural you’ll look when you’re not trying.
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Post a video, like to see it. Got an idea what a couple of problems are, bear with me. It’s not what you think. Opposite of what some are seeing. Don’t think your heel is doing what it looks like it is.
IMO your position is actually good and solid, Your release is 50/50, good- hands are correctly on either side of the crest. Not so good- get them out of your lap, slide them 6" further forward, don’t change anything else.
Don’t see any tension in your arms or shoulders, you are not throwing a shoulder or laying on the neck and you have the right idea about closing your hip angle but your fanny is too far out of the tack. To close hip correctly, you sit down in the tack and just bend forward at the waist. From the waist down your lower body stays in or close to the seat and closing the angle lightens your butt in the saddle just from folding at the waist, not shoving off the irons and throwing the shoulder. This allows the multiple variations of the “half seat” that make a sophisticated rider.
You are almost there, believe it or not. Stop kicking yourself. You could sit a little deeper and closer to the seat, that’s not so much hip angle as sitting into the horse and staying there. More jumping decent sized fences without irons will help you loosen in the waist and strengthen you so your butt isn’t so far out of the seat. If I was teaching you, I’d let you keep the reins, when you drop them, you tend to sit up over your hips with your arms out for balance- you need to keep the upper body forward like it is with that correct crest release and push your butt into that seat.
So, what makes the pictures not look right? See two things.
You are tall and leggy, the horse is lighter boned and does not have much depth in the barrel, it doesn’t take up your leg. A beefier horse would take up more your leg and set you up better. No this doesn’t mean you need to dump it and buy another, he jumps well and looks attentive and kind. Just be aware that’s part of what you are seeing that’s not going to change, you look big on him.
The other thing…looks like you are trying to grip with your thigh, maybe pinching with the knee, looks tense in all of these. Might be keeping your weight from dropping into the heel. That picture where you think you got left behind? No you didn’t , you are going with him position wise, you are not opening up, but your whole body is trying to catch up because it has slipped back a foot in that saddle. Most of the flap is ahead of your leg. Amazing you are holding position slipping back in the tack so far. I don’t think that’s you, I think that saddle is slippery. That would explain the tension in the thigh and possible knee pinching.
You are fighting that saddle to hold your position. I had a slick saddle once, , sucks. Even my Pro riders hated it, one ride Jumpers all the way to GP and 4’ Hunters and the other was a USET Medal Finals winner…and neither one could stay put without fighting with my saddle, we all took the same seat size and flap. Not a cheap one either. Have you tried borrowing a few other saddles?
One other possibility, your deep ankle may not be carrying enough of your weight despite appearing to. Some people are just more flexible and can flex without really carrying the weight in the heel. That might be going on with you and you are not really sinking into the heel which would let your butt drop into that seat. Something a video would help determine. The weight should run all the way down from the top of the hamstrings into the heel, don’t think thats happening, think not much is coming from above the knee running down the front of your thigh instead and that might be why you can’t sit closer to the tack.
What kind of saddle is that? Everybody these days is so wrapped up in fitting the horse, they neglect the rider. Some fitters don’t know squat about rider position and security either. At best it’s not helping you.
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I had similar issues when I was riding in a saddle that was slightly too small. Also, do you spend a lot of time in two point? it might help you to develop that feel for where your crotch/hips/upper body need to be to be with the motion. I think overall you look like a nice rider. I also think you might have TEENY TINY bit of a chair seat happening, either due to the wrong saddle or just how you ride. Bringing your lower leg back even just an inch or less might help change how you use your pelvis over fences.
Looked back at this again and, possibly, the " sweet spot" in that saddle seat (the spot that puts you in proper balence before picking up your irons), is putting you behind that balance point. The forward flap doesn’t help, fact could be " chasing" the flap due to the sweet spot being too far back…hope that makes sense.
Remember the seat size is based on the length of your thigh bone, from crotch to knee. Nothing to do with height, weight or butt size. I ride a 17.5. at 5’4". Short waist, long thigh. Friend who’s 5’9" takes a 17.5, long waist, short thigh. Don’t know too many who ride in a forward flap, it’s about that sweet spot and where it puts you, nkt compensating for a long leg… What kind of saddle is? Also, sometimes saddles get damaged and it thows off the riders balance. Reflocking or shims in the bad really don’t solve a sweet spot that is just not where it needs to be or is crooked.
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