It is well past time everyone started talking about this: mental health and its effects on our bodies and our lives and its cousin, substance abuse. Good for this trainer to talk about. Too many do not and some of them end up dying because they don’t get help.
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Marissa is amazing and she’s a great horsewoman. The courage to put all that into writing and be forthcoming with her struggles is so inspiring. Anyone who has lost a parent or child knows that the grief comes in waves and that there is no set path of how to navigate that pain.
The unfortunate state of our sport is that mental health doesn’t only affect the pros but also the ammys and juniors. People battle with balancing things happening in their personal lives along with the pressure to measure up in the show ring. With costs skyrocketing, it’s only getting worse as people try to figure out how to continue with the one thing that keeps them sane and happy, but is costing more than their mortgage to continue doing at a competitive level. I’ve written about it before in several posts about being more open and sharing what we’re all paying. That conversation needs to not be so secretive because there are still many out there that have been told that there aren’t other options or alternatives and the wild rates that they’re paying are “status quo”. This community is here to not only have the occasional gossip session, but to also encourage others to find their best situation for both horse and rider. It’s not always easy to navigate with all the politics and the pressure to just be submissive to trainers and their plans.
As for the substance abuse part, I’m not sure how we’re ever going to get that one to go away. This is a situation where extremely skinny is considered ideal and “the look”. We share a lot of the same challenges that the fashion world has had for ages. People trying to look like human hangers… draped in clothing made for a typical 5’10 Euro body and not the American 5’4 pear-shaped norm. Everything about what we wear highlights the exact parts of our body that women are self-conscious about… where else is tight white or tan pants considered desirable, along with cropped jackets or dark coats that are designed to make your chest look flatter. Add that to a high-collared neckline… sometimes with a goofy ascot, and you’ve got a bunch of people looking like they are interviewing for a role as a munchkin in the Lollipop Guild for a Wizard of Oz reboot.
I’m guilty myself of seeing a very skinny rider go in and jump around and it’s breathtaking and the horse is effortlessly jumping… and then seeing the next rider (average build) and thinking they were chunky or that their thighs looked huge… and that the horse had to work harder. In real life… I know both of them and the second rider is just an athletic build and probably only wears a size 28 riding pants and is 5’5, but the body dysmorphia in me, along with the old school ideas embedded in my brain that lean and tall is the ideal eq look, has me convinced that they’re chunky and I’ve heard it about them from others too, so it’s not like I’m on an island here.
It’s no wonder so many suffer from substance abuse as they try to hold onto sponsorships and getting noticed by the top pros and investors to get to the higher levels. Plus, as these pros get older and injured, the reality that there may not be any retirement plan or safe landing for them sets in. This can encourage excessive drinking or drug abuse (painkillers or otherwise), as they try to navigate their own step-down plan from the big leagues. Sure, some become judges and stewards, but with TBI’s and other challenges, some lack the mental capability or the physical ability to be able to travel or transition into those roles. So what is left? I’m sure it’s a scary thought for us to consider and has to be an impossible reality for some of those folks that have only known horses their whole lives and sacrificed education and other avenues to pursue those goals. That’s not even those that had the unfortunate circumstances of abuse from trainers or owners or whomever back in the day when it was just considered “skirt-chasing” or “sleeping their way to the top”, not assault, rape, and/or child abuse.
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This is an excellent article. I’ve mentioned it elsewhere, but last fall I realized I was struggling with depression and grief. I was lucky that the first antidepressant my doctor put me on has worked well and started working immediately. I’ve still got a lot of work to do dealing with my depression and it may never fully go away, but I am at least back to being a generally even-keeled person who is no longer crying all the time.
What I did not expect, as someone who just rides for fun was how much my depression was affecting my riding. I was backing off more and more and getting scared about things that never used to scare me in the saddle before. As soon as I started taking antidepressants, a lot of my anxiety and fears started going away when riding. I am happy to jump again, even if it is 6" lower than what I was doing two years ago. I am happy to ride the more challenging lesson horses. Some rides are better than others of course.
It makes so much sense in retrospect that everything I was dealing with outside of the barn was going to affect me at the barn too, but it wasn’t something I could see until I started taking care of my mental health and saw improvements in every aspect of my life.
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