Mental health preventing riding

[MareBegger]

I have a few severe mental illnesses that I deal with, and going to the barn has gotten increasingly difficult in the last few months because of them. I should add that I’ve been in treatment with a therapist and a psychiatrist for several years and am overall stable (no pun intended!).

I’ve owned my current horse since she was three months old; she’s turning 13 this year and is in every way my baby. I lost my first horse four years ago over a very long and painful course of insulin resistance/laminitis, and I fear going through something similar again. Lately I am convinced that my mare will also develop a horrible illness and die slowly, and while she is completely healthy and I’m aware that this is a largely irrational fear, it makes being at the barn an awful experience.

I’m doing everything I can to mitigate this flare-up with my doctors, but I feel like I’m reaching the end of my rope. I fantasize about selling her and completely quitting horses after a lifetime with them, getting a new horse that is younger using money I don’t have, any number of things. In some ways I can’t fathom doing this, but I’m desperate for my happy place to be my happy place again, and I’m wondering if maybe it’s time to move on (to what, I have no idea).

If you have mental illness(es), how have you dealt with not letting it/them get in your way? Any tips or tricks would be very welcome!

[OdieJump]

Well every person is different and reacts to things differently. Every time I go to feed my horse and one of them lags behind or I can’t seem them (it’s a large pasture) I get irrationally afaird that they’ve been hurt in some way. Since I don’t really know much about you or your situation I can’t really give the best help. Talking to a professional is very good though.

in my opinion, horses HELP me. So here are a few things you could try:

-move your horse on your property (if you can) go see her everyday. You don’t have to ride, just check on her, groom her (or drive to your barn everyday if possible)

-if you can afford it, hire someone to ride her twice a week.

-if you can afford this too pay a vet to do a thorough check up

-talk to a vet around you, ask them what things to look for in your horse or books/websites that have accurate information

-horses are unpredictable. Reassure yourself that no matter what happens you WILL provide your horse with the best quality of care

if you feel like having horses is unhealthy then it’s not worth it! You are more important! Find another hobby or activity that will make you happy! I hope everything will work out

disclaimer: I have not studied psychology and this information is purely my opinion and thoughts. If you want to use any of these please talk to your therapists first and see if they think it is a good idea.

[BravAddict]

Hmm. I’m not a professional - and I think this is a great question for any/all of the care providers you mentioned - but my first instinct is that thoughts you’re having (“This is awful. She could start to go downhill ANY SECOND. Maybe I should just sell her so that I don’t have to watch.”) are not about the horse herself. You’re having this anxious/depressed/what have you thought pattern and it’s latching onto your horse, and the barn in general, because she’s important to you.

To answer your unasked question, no, I don’t think that selling your mare will make you feel better. Your unhappy feelings and thoughts will just latch onto something and some place else, and you won’t have the commitment of your horse to get you out of the house. (I’m projecting on that last bit - that may not be an issue for you!)

You mentioned getting a younger horse, but since your mare is only thirteen, I wonder whether you’re not getting as much out of riding her as you used to. If she’s not the right horse for your riding goals, but you don’t have the finances to support two or even just purchase another horse, then would it be helpful to think a bit about what you want to get out of having a horse? There are so many wonderful benefits to having your own horse: having something to call your own, the pride of successfully caring for another creature, the smell of their breath, the satisfaction of watching them eat hay, scratching their itchy spots or giving them a good bath…and just like any relationship, your shared history (you two have a lot of that!) has huge value. We joke a lot about the PITA parts of horse ownership, but we do it for a reason.

The part of what you described that isn’t necessarily irrational is the fear of watching someone or something you love suffer or die. It’s very painful, and horses don’t live as long as we do. It hurts to watch them go, especially as their care-takers, and I don’t think it’s wrong to be afraid or worry about that. This fear and worry is what keeps us all honest in scheduling our vet and farrier appointments!

To share my story, I moved about a year ago and have really struggled with anxiety/depression ever since. I just didn’t adjust well at all. Before, I lived in a small city near all of my closest friends, and I worked at a fun job in a small office with coworkers I picked out myself and really liked. Then I moved to this much bigger city where I knew no one but my SO, and worked from home in a job that was brand new to the company. It was really hard to meet new people, establish my own routines apart from my SO’s, or even get out of the house. My mind turned into a sieve, I had no idea who I was, and I just felt generally awful. I thought I was losing my mind! Eventually, I talked to one of my neighbors, and we came up with a mutually agreeable plan: she was getting a puppy but was worried about leaving him alone, whereas I was really suffering for company during the day and routine. Viola! And of course, I had help.

By contrast, when I sent my horse to a retirement facility after doing self-care and co-ops for years, it was a tough adjustment too. After a honeymoon period, I really missed her! Especially watching her eat hay, and listening to her sigh. I ended up filling up the time with a second job. Ew!

It definitely made it hard to stay motivated about going to the barn, which was so sad, because like you, the barn has always been my happy place. Riding did help me to forget. Personally, what worked was to keep going through the motions until I could feel the fun of it again. YMMV, but you’ve got the bug and it doesn’t just go away

[MissAriel]

Hi, MareBegger!

You aren’t alone. A lot here have dealt with various forms of mental illness. You didn’t specify which “flavor” you deal with, but I will tell you about some of my experiences, and hope you find some of it helpful. You are already doing a great job by getting help managing it and coming here for support!

I have depression and have been managing it with varying levels of success for over 25 years. What works for me is a combination of medication and cognitive behavioral talk therapy. It took much of those 25 years to find the medication that worked best for me (citalopram).

If you aren’t already doing CB therapy, you might look into it as it was very helpful to me when I would get spiraling in a pattern of catastrophizing. For example, if I was worried about my horse getting an incurable disease and dying, my therapist would have me practice “what if’s” and say “what if he gets sick, then what?” and I would say “I would be really sad” and he would say “and if you were sad, then what?” until I would realize that life would go on, and I could manage even really horrible things. My therapist also spent a great deal of time pointing to my personal accomplishments and forcing me to acknowledge them to balance the sucky thoughts. I often think of CBT as mental workouts to build my “sanity muscles”

For me it also helps to learn. Knowledge is power. So I would read up on IR/laminitis and do all the things I could to help prevent it. Of course, at the end of the day, horses will be horses and they tend to be quite good at destroying themselves despite our best efforts. So then if the unthinkable happens, I will have to take a breath and realize that I did my best, my horse doesn’t know differently, and I gave him what he needed when he needed it. That is all any of us can do. It isn’t fair to hold yourself to a higher standard.

I do try to live in the moment, keep things in perspective and look on the bright side. It helps, but isn’t enough as a stand-alone. Try to find that one thing that you do enjoy and focus on that. It doesn’t have to be all-encompassing, maybe a quiet cup of coffee in the morning, or a favorite song, the sight of your horse rolling in fresh shavings. Something you can use as an anchor when your thoughts start heading in horrible directions.

I wish I had better “tips and tricks” but for me depression doesn’t work like that. It needs to be continually and consciously managed.

As for the horse end of things, that is hard, as there won’t be any one absolutely correct answer. You could do any of the things you mentioned and be right, or none and still be fine. One option would be to lease your horse out for a while to give you a break. Another thought is maybe you could sell or lease your horse, but get your horsey fix through taking lessons or volunteering at an equine rescue or equine assisted therapy program, something where the horses aren’t your responsibility.

Good luck working through this. You will. Feel free to pm me if you want.

[DancingArabian]

I don’t think what you’re going through has anything to do with your mental illnesses. I think it’s straight up grief that you’re working through. While you may experience anxiety, depression, etc from your existing mental illnesses, these are also very common emotions people experience when working through their loss of a loved one. You had a traumatic loss and you are afraid it will happen again.

[MissCoco]

I’m sorry to hear that you are going through this, but glad you have a support system in place, and I hope some things that have helped me might be of use to you.
It’s true that gaming out the worst case scenario (especially with a professional!) may be really helpful, especially with a specific concern, like your concern about your mare’s health.

It sounds like the barn is becoming an anxious place for you. Is there a way you can shake up your routine to help disrupt those negative emotional patterns?
I know I usually have a pretty rigid barn routine once I walk in the door, and it might help your brain move on to more positive thought patterns if you aren’t in the places (or aren’t doing things in the same order) as you always are when you are worrying about your horse.
Our brains store emotional memories in some funny ways, maybe you could try disrupting some of the signals your brain is reading as “this is a place to have anxious thoughts” the next few times you’re at the barn, while bringing your toolbox of anxiety-prevention strategies as well.
Things like new smells/tastes (bring a peppermint for your horse and give yourself one too), tactile sensations (find clothes that feel different in texture/fit to your usual riding duds), and sounds (turn on some tunes or a funny podcast while you are grooming) can have a huge difference to your brain’s interpretation of even a very familiar location. Some other ideas along this line are:
Switch up where you groom or ride, start doing a handwalk before your ride. Maybe even try out some trick training or take some lessons in a different discipline, just something to make the barn feel like a slightly different place than what it has been recently.

These kind of things have helped me in the past, but I’ve really been coming to terms lately with what MissAriel said “it needs to be continually and consciously managed.” (what a great way to put it!) And I’m trying to get better at thinking of that conscious management as a positive thing (something I do for myself) instead of being something that I am stuck with or “have” to do.

I recently started working with a new therapist, and she gave me a real lightbulb moment the other day.

She said “when your horse is acting nervous you act calm and confident so she doesn’t feel afraid. You need to do the same thing for yourself when you start to feel anxious.”

Since then, I’ve been trying to nip any kind of generalized anxiety or anxious thoughts in the bud. What I have found is that:

1. it really is a chore to shut down anxious thoughts!
2. I am not very good at timing my response to my anxiety. A lot of times I start just feeling kind of nervous, then I have a stray anxious speculation, then I have another, and then I start to think “oh, I should do my breathing techniques.” So I realized even though I know a lot of techniques like CBT and breath patterns, I wasn’t using them at the right time.

Which takes me back to what horses can teach us about dealing with anxiety. Just like when I first started riding, and I couldn’t feel my horse getting ready to break to the trot from the canter, I have learn what my anxiety feels like before it gets out of control, and use my strategies then, instead of waiting longer where my strategies don’t work as well and take more effort to apply.
Thinking of the work that it takes to shut down anxiety as a responsibility, rather than a burden (and coming from a place of love, like it does when my horse is worried about something and I want her to feel confident) also makes it easier to do the work I need to do to stay in control of my anxiety.

As far as the horse-related decision goes, I have no advice on that, but I am sure you will get this figured out with your mare or move on to something else that you find just as fulfilling, even if you aren’t sure what that would be right now!

Best of luck as you move forward, and know that there are positive thoughts being sent your way!

[MareBegger]

Thank you, everyone, for your kind words. I appreciate the coping strategies and the fresh thoughts. It’s helpful to know that others are going through similar issues. I’m back riding as of today; not everything is fixed, but I’m working on it, and my girl was happy for treats. Thank you again!

[TheBrownHorse]

You are not alone.

I just wanted to let you know that, no matter how hard it feels, no matter how lonely it gets, no matter how isolating those thoughts become, you are not alone. And I know that sounds… whatever, but I wish someone would have told me that.

I’ve not only struggled with my mental health, but been institutionalized for over 8 years on and off, from over 30 psych inpatient stints, to 30 residential treatment centers for my anorexia. 8 years of my life was spent pretty much locked away in the hands of someone else. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t do anything without the approval or sign off from a doctor or therapist.

It progressed as to the point where I begun trying to take my life. Seriously tried. On a ventilator, in ICU, multiple occasions, never felt like I could pull out of it.

I, like you, have had my “soul horse” for most of his life. He’s my everything. But there were times I even went as far as to put him on the market with a trainer and tried to get out of horses. But horses, especially our soul horses, have a way of staying with us.

I think there is so much good information in this thread.

I also want to share that I have a very similar… something, whatever you want to call it, obsession or whatnot of something going wrong. What has been the biggest thing that has helped me are some questions I learned in therapy.

1. What’s the worst thing that could happen?
2. What’s the best thing that could happen?
3. What’s the most realistic outcome?

Also, what are some ways you can change the barn up? Don’t overthink it, maybe go for a walk down the road before you hop on, or brush somewhere different, or graze after you ride, or…

YOU GOT THIS. i believe in you <3

[jump4it]

Look up Signs of Safety. Its a newer model we are using in child welfare but I have started using it to lessen my worries. it is a basic concept of listing what is working well, what are we worried about, and what needs to happen. You incorporate your biggest fear and use a scaling system (1-10). For example if after listing the three columns of what is working well, worries, and needs to happen I will ask myself "on a scale of 1 to 10 how ready do I feel to do ______, then ask yourself what would it take to go up a number? This has really helped me with what I consider irrational fears (like my house burning down if I leave something plugged in) but also helped with things like horse show nerves.

[CorazonLock]

I empathize with you. It sounds like you deal with some anxiety, based on the fact that I have those same exact thoughts!

My horse injured himself in 2012 and fractured a small bone in his hock. He was not expected to recover, but miraculously, he did. Much of the time, I’m forever grateful for this miracle, but sometimes, I’m prone to worry. Oh my goodness, does he look off on that leg? Is that trip a sign? He’s doing this or that - is it hock pain? I can drive myself crazy.

What helps me is looking at facts. My horse has not been lame since the injury. My horse 99% of the time goes over any jump I ask him to. My horse gets excited when we jump. Pointing out these things helps me quell my anxiety.

Doesnt work so well for me in other aspects of my life though lol.

I would talk to a therapist about this if you don’t have one. Most aren’t horsey, but they have particularly good insight into these anxious thoughts.

I wouldnt be too concerned that you’re falling off the mental health wagon unless you’re also experiencing symptoms in other parts of your life. Then it might be time to visit the doctor again to check in on meds and talk to a therapist about options. I’ve got anxiety with co-morbid depression, and I’ve struggled with finding the right meds. Therapy helps some, but to me, it feels like a brain issue. My brain is just so overreactive and physically seems to be overworking. It’s a weird sensation to explain. I was on Prozac for forever and was happy and settled for about 2 years. Then it stopped working. It took another 2 years to get to the point I’m at on a combo of Zoloft and Lamictal. And I still am not 100%.

Best of luck to you. I know how crippling mental health issues can feel.

[terryfic]

One thing that has really worked for me over the years is committing to daily meditation. Best case is I get in 20 minutes in the morning and 20 minutes at night consistently. After I did it for 3 months straight, I felt way calmer. It takes some effort to learn to still the mind but it will come with daily practice

[Magicboy]

There’s a wonderful phone ap called 10% happier that is an excellent help for mindful meditation. My therapist told me about it.

Take care are of yourself