Mental Toughness

[cedarlake]

I have to wonder if I truly am the only one who is THIS hard on myself, or if I really can’t see past my nose and others are just handling it a wee bit better.

I have gotten back into jumping and I have been so happy. It’s been about 10 years since I’ve jumped but I have been riding western in the meantime. In my youth, I was jumping about 1.05-1.10m. Now I’m back to the .70cm-.80cm and have been riding 3x a week for a little less than 6 months.

My issue is that LOGICALLY I know it will take time. Time to get back to the big fences and time to find that rhythm. Even now my trainer is shocked how quick I have moved along and has made many comments that the horse I am riding has made huge progress even though he is a lesson horse. Of course this makes me happy, but she has mentioned I am very hard on myself. I can’t seem to let bad things go even when I know there’s no point to dwell on them. Is it just me?

I think I worry since I’m 35 that I may never be able to jump the 1.30m+ fences which is what I have always wanted. While money is an issue at some capacity, I truly believe my mind halts me from everything. I go the gym multiple times a week to stay very fit, and my horsemanship is really great compared to my teenage self (I would hope so😂). But my brain… it sets me so far back. I will add that about 3 weeks ago I was officially diagnosed with severe ADHD and HSP (highly sensitive personality). I am on medication for the ADHD, and the HSP is just something I have to be aware of. So when I’m super upset, I know it’s my brain wiring versus it actually being THAT big of an issue.

I tell myself age means nothing. Hard work, skill, passion, horsemanship and mental grit are what allows one to move up the levels. (And yes of course, money. But I am trying really hard to not dwell on that factor specifically.) I am trying to find how to work through the spiral while riding so I can MOVE ON. I am also in therapy as well to help combat this, but last week was a rough one on me. Something happened, very minor thing, and I fell apart to the point I was crying just to try to hop off the spiral train. I got depressed and shut down completely and couldn’t even communicate or ride properly afterwards. Obviously this isn’t conducive, so any tips to pull myself out of the tornado would be highly appreciated.

I know if I can just ENJOY what I do without pressure, I’d probably move alone quite quick and not really even notice the change in heights.

[Obsidian_Fire]

Medication for ADHD might not be enough. You may need to address anxiety also. Are you in therapy of any sort?

@cedarlake

I know if I can just ENJOY what I do without pressure

What’s going thru your head during the ‘pressure’ times?

[FitToBeTied]

@cedarlake

I think I worry since I’m 35 that I may never be able to jump the 1.30m+ fences which is what I have always wanted.

Why not work along, enjoy the journey and see where you end up. Maybe its 1.3M, maybe its not.

[cedarlake]

Yes I am in therapy, and we are about to specifically address performance anxiety.

During my pressure times I feel like a kid again. That I don’t deserve to ride the nice big horses or jump big. And even if I did, money wouldn’t allow me to so I shouldn’t bother. If I can beat those demons I run into, “well you messed up there so you’d never be able to ride the fancy horse anyway”. And then I just shut down.

There are days I can ride through all of it, but I want to really face this stuff and handle it correctly. I also dislike that my mood shifts so harshly during these times. Usually I am quite good natured, but not so much when the anxiety sets in.

[cedarlake]

I think it’s because it has been a goal for a very long time, and I am quite goal oriented. If I do something, it’s usually because I want to be very good at it. Even in my medical career. I always like to push the envelope and see how much better I can get. Enjoying something to just enjoy it honestly isn’t really apart of my personality. I certainly enjoy things, but I enjoy the progress more. And I do really love when it gets hard and difficult, because I love overcoming.

Maybe that’s where I’m going wrong.

[Not_Your_Janice]

I recommend reading and applying the principles of The Four Agreements. Not taking things personally (especially your own self), being impeccable with your word (also relates to how one speaks to themself), always do your best (and your best will be different EVERY day), and don’t make assumptions (find the courage to ask deeper questions to understand where your assumptions are coming from). Outside of therapy which you are already doing, you may find it very helpful not only in riding but in life.

[cedarlake]

Thank you! I will really look into this and contemplate those things. I’m sure it will help in the clinic as well, like you stated.

[Amberley]

If jumping small fences is making you so afraid you are in tears then competing at 1.3m+ or jumping at speed are not goals to stress about. Set realistic goals like doing a series of 2’6" or 3’ style or medal classes or some hunter paces and see if your anxiety goes away in time, if not there are many other ways to enjoy horses.

Hard work, skill, passion, horsemanship and mental grit are what allows one to move up the levels.

You also have to want it and not be paralyzed with fear. I’m a pretty good skier but there is a point where my partner and friends are keen and eager to do lines that I won’t enjoy and where my chance of getting hurt is high so I bow out. I have no desire to move up to that level, partly a lack of high level skill and partly legit fear. I don’t feel that riding. My partner feels the same “nope” about riding horses faster than a slow trot.

[cedarlake]

I can understand the confusion. I am by no means afraid of the height of the jump. If anything I feel I could jump higher without any fear, although I would prefer to be more technically ready. As in, I would like to really be able to collect, ask for rate, and have a plan through all fences with little to no effort before moving on. I am huge into flat work, and I want horsemanship to be first priority before height.

My tears come from pure frustration that I am not performing how I know that I can. I know that I can technically get the horse to do the things I need, however, there are certain things I really want to lock down. And I did make this clear to my trainer. I do not want to move up before my 2’6 course looks as if a professional is riding it. Now in my later years, horsemanship and horse happiness is crucial.

My mental weakness comes from me being too hard on myself when things aren’t absolutely perfect. If the stride wasn’t just right, or if I didn’t feel like I properly handled the add in or the move up. This is where I want the help. Because these are small things that I know logically are just apart of it, but I internalize it as if I’m not good enough to be out there with everyone else.

[Amberley]

That’s still fear.

Look at it this way: if you had a horse who was so nervous about jumping that everything had to be perfect or you risked a meltdown would you say “yes, this horse will do 1.3m, just a matter of getting everything perfect every single time!” Or would you say “they have a lot of anxiety over jumping, we will stick to easy things, do a lot of variety and try to teach them that most mistakes are recoverable, not everything has to be perfect and life goes on and it’s fine”. You would do the latter of course.

[cedarlake]

Yes, I guess you are correct.

I just know it’s a mental game and I know this “mental muscle” can be built upon to where I can overcome the perfectionist mentality. I also know 1.30m is off in the far future, I just don’t want my mentality to dictate my skill.

But thank you for the response and I for sure will mull it over to see where the real fear and anxiety are coming from!

[FjordBCRF]

@cedarlake

Enjoying something to just enjoy it honestly isn’t really apart of my personality.

I would explore this with your therapist.

Between my horse and I, we have multiple health issues. I have had to learn how to change my views on “goals”. My goal with my horse is specifically to have fun. This could mean showing (and winning) or it could mean me sitting in his stall reading for a little while.

I have seen this goal hyperfixation thing with multiple people in my real life, and personally don’t think it’s healthy. Goals are great, but not when you can’t through the day without a breakdown.

[cedarlake]

Will do. I’ll be sure to add it to the list of things for my next session.

[Moss]

It’s normal and healthy to be scared.

I’m finishing up my second PhD (at another R1), and honestly, your situation sounds similar to the pressures of a rigorous PhD program. Your stress sounds like it’s not about if you’re capable; it sounds like if you can handle the stressors and pressure. It sounds like you are very, very capable rider, but the pressure might be a lot for you. That’s perfectly normal and okay. In rigorous PhD programs, they basically put students in a presser cooker and expect them to thrive. Very few do, and the few that do love it (or at least learn how to deal with the stress). It has nothing to do with smarts or capabilities.

[cedarlake]

Yes. I completely fall apart during high pressure times. And many of these pressure times are self inflicted. However, with this show coming up, it has really elevated my stress due to the fact that my financial support may not be available if I don’t do as well as they think I should (family member).

I do appreciate your understanding and camaraderie on the subject. I know I have A LOT of mental things I have to overcome to continue this path, but it is something I really do want. I am glad that I am seeing these problems come out because I do want to be a better human overall as well, and frankly just be someone people are happy and relaxed to be around.

Thank you so much for your comment!

[Moss]

I would discuss this with a therapist, and I would also seek out a therapist who specializes-- or at least has knowledge-- about high stress careers.

Personally, I thrive in high stress, and you can train yourself to “enjoy” the anxiety. Anxiety is what gets us out of bed every day. BUT, as many of our professors warned us, if you find your cup of anxiety overflowing, then the anxiety might be too much. View the anxiety as the flame under your butt pushing you to work and succeed.

Let me know if you need any other tips for survival in high stress. Right now, I’m finishing up my second PhD (at another R1), I teach at two institutions, I care full-time for my mom who has cancer, and I have two autoimmune diseases that have required six major surgeries. I’ve found that I have to create a very detailed, organized schedule (and I use this forum for “breaks” for myself). But, honestly, I love being hard on myself! It’s a problem.

[cedarlake]

Oh wow! That is so awesome you can function with all that going on!

I really like reframing anxiety. Taking it as more of a good thing versus a ‘I’m broken’ thing. I do also like being hard on myself as well, because I love being better. It’s my favorite pastime although I need to let off the gas peddle more often to give myself a break😂

I’ll for sure discuss it with my therapist as she is very good with high pressure careers and athletic goals. Honestly, it’s her specialty. So I’m thrilled to really dive in with her. Thanks so much for all this advice! I think reframing and refocusing on what is going on and making it work for me versus against me will really help!!!

[Moss]

You kind of have to view anxiety as your “friend,” which sounds weird.

[Amberley]

@cedarlake

However, with this show coming up, it has really elevated my stress due to the fact that my financial support may not be available if I don’t do as well as they think I should (family member).

You are an adult novice over fences who is showing a lesson horse at 2’3" and have a financial sponsor who is pushing you to win? I mean this nicely but that’s completely insane. Don’t internalize other people’s crazy.

[cedarlake]

I love my family but they get very intense with competitions. I just wanted to do it for fun and just enjoy my life, but it shifted super fast when they said they were willing to help.

I had kind of just accepted where I’m at financially would only allow me, for the time being, to lesson and I was super excited to just do that. And then they offered to finance one show, and then it turned into if I don’t do well they will never help again😅. I have almost considered not going to the show at all after that but I really do love showing, especially at the horse park.