Monday funny- this one is a total must read.

ErinB · August 11, 2020, 10:13pm

And, to keep the mod squad happy, there’s another -not nearly as funny- horse joke at the end.

Read this real, true college acceptance essay. I want to meet this guy! I think we’d get along great!

This is supposedly an actual essay written by a college applicant to NYU. The author was accepted and is reportedly now attending NYU.
3A. ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS THAT HAVE HELPED DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook 30 minute brownies in 20 minutes.

I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire.

I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.

I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But, I have not yet gone to college.

Oh, that is great. I didn’t splatter any drinks on my keyboard but I did spew a few Sprees on my sister. She forgave me after she read the cause of my spew.

Oh yeah. The horse thang’. Here ya go.

Q: Why did the horsie cross the road?
A: He was a Catholic.

~Erin B #1
Energizer T. Bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

ErinB · August 12, 2020, 5:11pm

You’re not supposed to. I made it up.

~Erin B #1
Energizer T. Bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

1-800-Dial-A-Distanc · August 12, 2020, 5:12pm

At my high school we were required to do a senior speech. I have a friend who did one similar to that, involved rescuing a cruise ship using only the gravitational pull of the moon, being fluent in seventeen languages, having a natural body odor of vanilla, etc… it was hysterical, ending with “but I have not yet written my senior speech”

Seen on a Centre College Democrats T-Shirt
“Because no one ever said they wanted a good piece of elephant.”

Cactuskate · August 12, 2020, 5:27pm

I think this guy must be Martha Stewart’s long lost brother, don’t you?

“The older I get, the better I used to be, but who the heck cares!”

ErinB · August 12, 2020, 5:29pm

Horse related: A horse and a rabbi walked into a barn one day…

~Erin B #1
Energizer T. Bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

Miriam · August 12, 2020, 5:44pm

That was hysterical. They asked for it though. After you’ve written about ten of those, you just crack I guess. Great post, thanks for that laugh.

Mir

Sometimes I think the so-called expets actually ARE experts.

mwalshe · August 12, 2020, 5:46pm

ErinB you are bad. You should not play tricks on us older folks like that!

I saw an ad for a horse recently:
beautiful Arab cross, flashy. Unusual personality, needs experienced handler

ErinB · August 12, 2020, 6:01pm

Things To Do On A Blind Date…

At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you’ll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.
Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.

Wipe your nose on your date’s sleeve. Twice.

Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.

Repeat every third third word you say say.

Give your claim to fame as being voted “Most Festerous” for your high school yearbook.

Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.

Stare at your date’s neck, and grind your teeth audibly.

Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don’t know what they are talking about.

Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.

Order a bucket of lard.

Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.

Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about himself/herself.

Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.

When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.

Without asking, eat off of your date’s plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.

Drool.

Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full, and spray crumbs. If a crumb lands anywhere near your date, pick up the crumb, put it in your mouth and say, “I’m all about conservation.”

Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.

Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her “What took you so long in the bathroom?!”

Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.

Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.

Beg your date to tattoo your name on their forearm. Keep bringing the subject up periodically throughout the meal.

Ask your date how much money they have with them.

Order for your date. Order something nasty.

Refuse to communicate in anything but mime for the entire evening.

Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.

Lick your plate. Offer to lick your date’s.

Hum. Loudly. In monotone.

Fill your pockets with sugar packets as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements… i.e. anything that isn’t bolted down.

Hold a debate. Take both sides.

Auction your date off for silverware.

Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.

Order a baked potato. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you “never got”. When the waiter returns with another potato, have the first one back on your plate. Watch the waiter’s face.

Order beef tongue. Make crude comparisons or comments.

Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.

Speak in Pig Latin throughout the meal.

Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Tell your date, with a straight face, “They need to air out.”

If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite, pretend like the food is disgusting, belch and say “Boy, did you get ripped off!”

Bring 20 or so candles into the restaurant. During the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.

Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you’re taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it’s a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.

Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.

Insist that the waiter cut your food into little pieces. In a similar manner, insist that he take a bite of everything to make sure no one has poisoned your food.

Accuse your date of espionage. Pretend like you have a secret microphone hidden on your body and you are talking the CIA.

Don’t use any verbs during the entire meal.

Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.

~Erin B #1
Energizer T. Bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

Kachoo · August 12, 2020, 6:02pm

I’ve seen that college application before somewhere else online - it’s funny, all right. If you like that one, you’ll probably also like this one:

"This is an actual job application that a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald’s fast-food establishment in Florida…and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the firstplace.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

AVAILABLE TO WORK: Of course! That’s what I’m applying.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday,Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job, no; on my breaks, yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries."

Cheers,
Susie
http://www.kachoom.com

“The most wasted day of all is that on which we have not laughed.” ~Sebastien Chamfort

JumperEq · August 12, 2020, 6:17pm

I loved those!!!

My mom wants to get some info about some mental hospitals for me now.

.:Erin B #2:.
“So make the best of this task and don’t ask why,
It’s not a question but a lesson learned in time,
It’s something unpredictable but in the end it’s right,
I hope you have the time of your life.”

Tin · August 12, 2020, 6:18pm

Those are hilarious, I love the McDonalds one!!!

Subject: The 5 Stages of Drunkenness

Stage 1 - SMART
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course, the person you are talking to is very WRONG.
This makes for an interesting argument when both
parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course you’re still SMART, so naturally, you will win all your bets. It doesn’t matter how much you bet 'cos
you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for
everyone that you fancy, because you are now the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and
everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of the wits
or money. You have no fear of losing this battle, because you are SMART, you’re RICH and Hell, you’re better looking than them anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of Drunkenness. at this
point you can do anything, because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU, You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and
because you’re still SMART you know ALL the words.

Horse Joke- this one was a favorite in middle school

Wanna hear a dirty joke?

White horse falls in a puddle!! lol!

< Patience, grasshopper >

ErinB · August 12, 2020, 6:31pm