Money Talk- Divorced Parent Edition

[Palm_Beach]

You could argue “childs well being” ad nauseum. Maybe the ex needs a newer vehicle with large, plush seating because the daughter will be more comfortable in that vehicle when she is with the ex. Should Mom be responsible for any of that?

In most divorce situations, money can be tight because the two incomes now support two households instead of one. I’d save my “asks” for things that carry importance rather than convenience or comfort. I had an OK relationship with my ex, but I saved my “asks” for things like SAT prep, and once when a daughter who was going through some angst made some stupid expensive prom plans with her friends and there was going to be great drama involved.

[ecpolo]

Sorry for posting and disappearing… I had to go and deal with a polo trailer issue of all things, haha. Those plugs will one day drive me totally over the edge.

Ex and I are on very good terms. He is actually fabulous with splitting cost for stuff but I sometimes need help explaining things to him. He just does not comprehend anything to do with horses. He does not go to shows etc nor did he ever go to polo when we were married or dating. Using the polo trailer creates a lot of issues, mostly because polo tack lives in the trailer, and if the trailer is at a kids show then it can’t be used. Also, there is the added cost and hassle of hauling a huge trailer to the show grounds, which sounds awful. I was looking at a 2 horse bumper pull I could tote around with the Tahoe for kid stuff.

The main issue with just sending her off with the show barns is that board there is almost twice what we currently pay. Kid’s horses just live with mine in a pasture. (there is no tack room) Then of course there are the add-ons that show barns are famous for. $175 to haul to the vet just sits wrong with me, since thats almost the payment on the trailer I want to get. Add on the fees they charge for going to shows along with the barn crew and it makes the $190 payment seem a lot more sensible. My kid also likes to do other little horse activities that are not offered at the show barns. I am trying to encourage her to do as many different horse activities as possible so she does not end up just playing polo because of me. It’s just kind of hard since her dad will not even drive her to a riding lesson and I am really busy with polo. I coach a college team and one of the many reasons the smaller trailer would be awesome is that I could pop the pony in there and let my kid ride around on her while I do stuff with the college folks. I do not haul my own horses to the college practice.

Anyway, I read all of your posts I now see that I am lucky that he pays anything towards her horse activities in the first place. I ended up sending ex a link to the price list for a few show barns in the area and I think he is on board with getting a 2-horse now. I would have bought it myself but I have had to retire two horses this year and the cost of replacing them and also making sure retirees are healthy and happy is getting to be a lot.

Thanks everyone for weighing in, sometimes it just helps to have outside opinions on a situation.

[ecpolo]

Oh, to clarify it takes 6 horses per person to play a game of polo and generally people bring a spare or two. Just recieved a rather strangely-worded PM from someone who was not aware of this…

The standard operating procedure for polo is to keep all tack in the trailer, and most players have at least an 8 horse stock-style trailer.

[CHT]

What if instead of him paying board, you agree to a set amount that is applied however? This way if you save money on board by keeping the pony at home, you can apply it to the trailer/hauling. Keep track of all expenses related to the pony so your ex can be comfortable his is contributing a fair amount and not being taken advantage of. If kiddo is old enough, she could be the one to keep a pony budget.

[ecpolo]

@CHT

What if instead of him paying board, you agree to a set amount that is applied however? This way if you save money on board by keeping the pony at home, you can apply it to the trailer/hauling. Keep track of all expenses related to the pony so your ex can be comfortable his is contributing a fair amount and not being taken advantage of. If kiddo is old enough, she could be the one to keep a pony budget.

That is an awesome idea. Ex and I get along well enough, but since he doesn’t know anything about horses he is always suspicious I am trying to somehow subsidize my own riding via our kid’s riding bills. That is where this whole trailer snafu came into play. I was having a hard time explaining that I really don’t have a need for a 2 horse other than to benefit kid and make her riding easier and more accessible, things kind of went askew, and then of course I got mildly insulted he would think I was trying to mooch, etc etc. Relationships are hard, haha. Luckily we can work through stuff like that after a day of cool-off time. I could have boiled water on my own face after being accused of fleecing him for a darned trailer that will undoubtedly fry the transmission of my SUV in a few years. I do understand that in non-horse world, the need for these things sounds insane. I also can’t deny that having a handy 2 horse would also be awesome for me for emergency vet trips. I generally get routine stuff done without having to pay the house call fee because there are so many animals to treat, and honestly I don’t think any vet office wants a boatload of grained-up OTTB scampering around there at once.

Our kid is not old enough to be in charge of money, but in the future I think your plan is brilliant. I will have her put together her riding budget and we can all sit down and go through it, divide it up, and make her earn at least a portion of the money via barn work. I am already looking forward to my new groom, lol. Thank you for this advice, it is so helpful!

[Palm_Beach]

@ecpolo

That is an awesome idea. Ex and I get along well enough, but since he doesn’t know anything about horses he is always suspicious I am trying to somehow subsidize my own riding via our kid’s riding bills.

Actually, you are subsidizing your riding via the kid’s bills. You stated in a prior post that you would simply buy the trailer yourself, but you have to retire 2 horses and find 2 more, and you want to make sure your retirees are healthy and happy. You are very lucky indeed that your ex is a good guy and doesn’t know anything about horses.

[right_horse_at_the_right_time]

TRUST ME-get everything in writing with a lawyer-some sort of written agreement.

Things can change after many years of getting along-usually when a third party enters and wants to interfere and he’s too much of a _____ to make smart decisions.

[ecpolo]

@Palm Beach

Actually, you are subsidizing your riding via the kid’s bills. You stated in a prior post that you would simply buy the trailer yourself, but you have to retire 2 horses and find 2 more, and you want to make sure your retirees are healthy and happy. You are very lucky indeed that your ex is a good guy and doesn’t know anything about horses.

You definitely have a point there. I do think that since he can’t be bothered to take her to the barn or shows or do anything at all with the horses it is in her best interest to have a way for me to easily accommodate her own riding while also taking care of my own responsibilities. In a way it really is good he does not have a clue, but it is also pretty hard to do all of the work on my own.

At any rate, I now have a much bigger appreciation for the contributions he does make!

[ecpolo]

@right horse at the right time

TRUST ME-get everything in writing with a lawyer-some sort of written agreement.

Things can change after many years of getting along-usually when a third party enters and wants to interfere and he’s too much of a _____ to make smart decisions.

Lord help that third party, haha. He is a rather difficult and moody person to deal with. We did legally agree to split activity costs. I usually just pay over the amount when needed, and just don’t mention it to him so I can avoid any kind of issues. The trailer is just too much for me to take on right this minute. He did agree to buy it, in his name so that he can feel as though it owns it and it’s not some random item he has been tricked into buying for me. I offered to teach him how to pull it with his own vehicle and he declined. He will have a difficult time taking it back when he goes into a huff if he doesn’t know how to pull it or even where it is located, lol. He has never been to the barn. (just kidding, I would never steal a trailer from my ex husband but it makes me laugh to think of him trying to spitefully sell it)… Based on his constant tinder swiping, I do not think there will be a third party involved to that degree for a while, and by then I will hopefully be able to just buy it from him.

Dear baby jesus please let him find a nice lady who knows how to brush little girls hair and also likes horses out there in Tinder land.

[right_horse_at_the_right_time]

@ecpolo

Lord help that third party, haha. He is a rather difficult and moody person to deal with. We did legally agree to split activity costs. I usually just pay over the amount when needed, and just don’t mention it to him so I can avoid any kind of issues. The trailer is just too much for me to take on right this minute. He did agree to buy it, in his name so that he can feel as though it owns it and it’s not some random item he has been tricked into buying for me. I offered to teach him how to pull it with his own vehicle and he declined. He will have a difficult time taking it back when he goes into a huff if he doesn’t know how to pull it or even where it is located, lol. He has never been to the barn. (just kidding, I would never steal a trailer from my ex husband but it makes me laugh to think of him trying to spitefully sell it)… Based on his constant tinder swiping, I do not think there will be a third party involved to that degree for a while, and by then I will hopefully be able to just buy it from him.

Dear baby jesus please let him find a nice lady who knows how to brush little girls hair and also likes horses out there in Tinder land.

Be very careful what you wish for…mine didn’t date for many years…and then married a psychonutter. EVERYTHING changed, and he and my daughter had zero relationship for several years.

Super sad. And the agreement to pay for half of activities went the way of the wind. It’s very expensive going to court and fighting someone whose Mommy and Daddy fund his lawyers, and it just wasn’t worth it.

Good luck-I hope you have a great outcome!! I never imagined mine would turn out the way it did after so many years of very bearable coexistence! But hell hath no fury like a new girlfriend jealous of a child and an ex wife. ;).

[IronwoodFarm]

Am I missing something? The ex agrees to buy the trailer and insure it. He just wants it in his name. That would be fine with me. I get free use of a trailer. And if he takes it back at some point in the future, c’est la vie. There are always other trailers.

[ecpolo]

@IronwoodFarm

Am I missing something? The ex agrees to buy the trailer and insure it. He just wants it in his name. That would be fine with me. I get free use of a trailer. And if he takes it back at some point in the future, c’est la vie. There are always other trailers.

Oh, when I wrote the post to begin with he was like HELL NO to the trailer and I could not for the life of me figure out how to word my response to him. Now he is on board thankfully. I also earned a new appreciation for him not being a complete jerk (for now)

[ecpolo]

@right horse at the right time

Be very careful what you wish for…mine didn’t date for many years…and then married a psychonutter. EVERYTHING changed, and he and my daughter had zero relationship for several years.

Super sad. And the agreement to pay for half of activities went the way of the wind. It’s very expensive going to court and fighting someone whose Mommy and Daddy fund his lawyers, and it just wasn’t worth it.

Good luck-I hope you have a great outcome!! I never imagined mine would turn out the way it did after so many years of very bearable coexistence! But hell hath no fury like a new girlfriend jealous of a child and an ex wife. ;).

I can definitely see this happening with him. I try to do what I can to insulate myself and our kid from it but times like this make it hard. Hopefully he wont find a psychonutter any time soon…

[meupatdoes]

@ecpolo

The main issue with just sending her off with the show barns is that board there is almost$175 to haul to the vet just sits wrong with me, since thats almost the payment on the trailer I want to get. Add on the fees they charge for going to shows along with the barn crew and it makes the $190 payment seem a lot more sensible. My kid also likes to do other little horse activities that are not offered at the show barns.

So apparently it does have to be $15k and new…

[clanter]

@ecpolo

Oh, when I wrote the post to begin with he was like HELL NO to the trailer and I could not for the life of me figure out how to word my response to him. Now he is on board thankfully. I also earned a new appreciation for him not being a complete jerk (for now)

as a dad whose daughter’s showed their horses all across the country, if they needed something for their horses their horses got it as I made a pack with the horses that if they took care of the kids I would take care of them…

[Palm_Beach]

@meupatdoes

So apparently it does have to be $15k and new…

…for a little girl who is too young to brush her own hair.

[clanter]

@Palm Beach

…for a little girl who is too young to brush her own hair.

my daughter was showing before she could brush her hair
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[Wanderosa]

Heading out to work so no time to read the whole thread. But, yay, i have found my people!

[Wanderosa]

@clanter

I would think if the ex’s support is specific to the well being of the child there would be interest to improve the experience for the child … not every Ex is a cold hearted SOB

In the US , child support is intended to smooth out dramatic gaps in the financial circumstances of the two households by reimbursing the custodial parent for funds spent on the child. The base needs of the child. Unless OP divorced Don Jr, a small trailer to “enhance” the show experience for the child isn’t gonna be considered a need. Guess how many trailers this divorced mom owns? Zippo zilch.

[clanter]

@Wanderosa

In the US , child support is intended to smooth out dramatic gaps in the financial circumstances of the two households by reimbursing the custodial parent for funds spent on the child. The base needs of the child. Unless OP divorced Don Jr, a small trailer to “enhance” the show experience for the child isn’t gonna be considered a need. Guess how many trailers this divorced mom owns? Zippo zilch.

I do not believe OP ever assumed a two horse trailer was an obligation mandated by the divorce decree, I am just noting that yes some people have the money available to ease the path for their children and this man evidently had the ability to do so

Then there are those who do not, which is evidently the person most of the posters married