My beloved mare must retire. I am completely heartbroken

[85union]

Let me start by saying that I went about 30 years without riding. The last 10+ years I spent support my youngest daughter while she rode and progressed in her skills. We didn’t have much money so I was always doing chores to help with board. About 10 years ago we got her the most wonderful mare I have ever known. She was 16 and had never done any dressage. My daughter trained her through 3rd level and got her bronze with her. When she had accomplished that I inherited this wonderful mare. I was officially a re rider.

I started taking weekly lessons with my daughter’s dressage trainer. For the past 5 years I’ve ridden at least 3 days a week and had a lesson most weeks. I became a real rider. My mare, Squash, was absolutely perfect for me to learn on. She was kind, forgiving, honest and always did wh!atever I asked to the best of her ability. When I started riding Squash I was scared as my OTTB had put fear in my heart with some very athletic, persistent bucking. Squash gave me my confidence back. Squash was perfect every single time I rode her. I love her beyond words. I will always treasure all that she has given me from the goodness of her heart.
A year ago she was diagnosed with high ringbone in both front fetlocks. With joint injections, equiox, Ichon, vitamin e and freedom shoes she was sound for about a year. Now the ringbone has progressed to the point that we cannot make her sound again. She must be retired.
I have plunged into the worst grief that I have ever experienced. At 67, riding and my lessons with Squash were my life. With Squash retired it feels like my life is over. It really feels as though she is dead although she isn’t. I have tried to find another horse to ride a couple days a week. On Monday I tried a horse but we weren’t a good fit. I cried all the way home. I thought that I didn’t want to ride if I couldn’t ride Squash. Even if I found another unicorn like Squash I am currently supporting 3 retired horses. There simply is no money to purchase or lease another horse. And then there’s the reality that I could search high and low and never find another horse who could compare to Squash.
If you’ve read all this, thank you. I thought that this might be a place where others might understand the depth of my grief. It truly feels like my life is over.

[beowulf]

I am so sorry. Squash sounds lovely. I hope you can find the joy in horses still and that you can still visit Squash. We all come to this heartbreak eventually with our horses, I’m sorry you’re experiencing this and wish you and Squash the best. She looks like a lovely horse and what a perfect name for a good chestnut mare.

[3PonyFarm]

She is beautiful! I love her name. I wish you both the best.

[hillary_again]

What a heartbreak . How old is she?

[2DogsFarm]

Squash (love the name!) is lovely.
Give yourself some time to get over the loss & grief at losing her as your Ride.

IIWM, I’d keep test-riding until you find one you can click with.

I lost my Horse-of-My-Lifetime at 27 after 20yrs together.
Like you, I felt like I might never ride again.
Through the generosity of COTH Giveaways I got my next horse (for the cost of shipping to my farm).
It took time, but we got to know each other & with some speedbumps, formed a partnership.
Then I lost him after 5yrs
The kindness of a friend gave me my current horse.

At least you still have a living - if not rideable - Squash in your life.
I’d give anything to have my boys around, if only to decorate my pastures.

[OverandOnward]

What a beautiful, beautiful mare! You two look like such a great team! And she looks so well cared for.

Squash is lucky to have you to see her through retirement!

You are now Squash’s caregiver and advocate. I’m sure that no horse ever had a better one.

Squash became part of your identity as a rider. Saying good-bye to a part of our identity can be as hard as saying good-bye to a family member.

You are still a rider! Everything Squash taught you is with you while you ride.

Probably nothing will make this much easier. Allow yourself to grieve this transition.

Gradually you’ll be ready to move forward as a rider. Now may or may not be the right time to find a new horse.

Instead maybe catch ride a few and get used to the many ways that other horses do things?

When the time is right, the horse will find you. All the best to you!

[Gardenhorse]

I am so sorry. Squash is beautiful and the pictures convey your lovely partnership. Please give yourself some time. Grief is not a linear process and you’ll have some ups and downs. The next horse you ride doesn’t need to be a forever horse - they can be more of a bridge to keep you connected to riding until the right horse comes along.

[findeight]

It is often said the most difficult but unavoidable aspect of having almost any animal is you will outlive all them. Unless you die first.

Loss is always difficult to deal with and perhaps speaking with somebody about dealing with loss would be helpful? Speaking of it on here is a start, most of us have dealt with it. From a favorite horse to the constant companion dog to the cat that shares our bed, its an adjustment to fill the void left when they pass.

But Squash has not left you. Shes still there. She still needs you even if what she needs from you after years of serving your needs is different. Try to enjoy and care for her needs while shes still here as you look for another active riding partner.

Its a big change but one that can be dealt with, don’t hesitate to reach out for help and somebody to talk you through it.

[Pico_Banana]

My mare had a very serious medical episode a few years ago. I have barely ridden her since then. What I have learned is that I enjoy horse care almost as much as I do riding. I even ended up buying my own place so I could give her exactly the kind of care I want her to have. I tweak her diet whenever I feel like it. I can give her as much turnout as I want and decide whether it’s grass or dry lot or muzzled. I can change her blankets whenever I want to. I can put boots on her each night. Etc, etc. I love it. I even bought another non-riding mare to keep her company and I love on her just as much.

Maybe something for you to consider.

[RedHorses]

Squash as in “orange squash”?

I was going to copy a post I made on another thread on this subject, but I see you’re the one who recently liked it.

Since that post my younger horse has been confirmed neurological, and I am struggling with it. It doesn’t help that my older horse is spending the winter healing a stifle injury and I can’t ride him.

What I can do with my neurological horse, and for how long are undefined. I’ve been thinking there was something not right for a long time, and actually found a note I wrote several years ago questioning some of his behaviours that didn’t seem normal. After he went down in the horse trailer for no reason last fall I had a vet do a neuro exam. Now that I know what I’m seeing, I see neurological symptoms all the time and I’m constantly questioning if the symptoms are getting worse or I’m just now recognizing that they are neurological symptoms.

I feel like he’s pretty much the same as he’s always been, and have some things to watch for. I am riding him as he’s always been less klutzy when ridden regularly. But I will not jump him, and if he starts to trip or stumble often, or goes down under me I know it will be time to stop riding. Before the diagnosis I would have found logical reasons to explain the event, and kept riding.

From what I’ve read, neurological horses (with neuro issues not caused by recent infection or injury) learn to compensate, and can compensate very well, until they can’t. Once their ability to compensate is upset, they tend to spiral down very quickly. Early teens is the most common age for this. My horse is 14. This degeneration could happen at any time. I was expecting another ten years with him after I lost my older horse. Now there’s the chance I will lose my younger horse first.

And so I am faced with the questions of how much I should do with him, and how much work am I willing to put into what goals, and am I okay working towards any goal if it could disappear tomorrow.

Love Squash for who she is now, and I will repeat my advice from the other thread - let yourself grieve for the loss of what you had. It’s a very real loss, separate from the horse herself.

[swmorse]

I’m so sorry for you. I hope you can at least find someone who has a good horse that you can hop on when you feel like it.

Everyone has given you very good advice.

[stargzng386]

I’ve had to retire two horses too early. It is a true loss, don’t be fooled by people saying well she’s still there. It’s almost worse to have to see this horse that you want to ride but can’t. It’s the loss of your training, of your plans, of your future dreams. Take the time to truly grieve, however long that takes. Talking to a therapist can really help. Then just keep an eye out to find another horse to ride just casually or in lessons. It won’t be the same but just find something safe. Don’t worry about truly replacing her or being an amazing sun is shining ride. Just find safe to get on and putz around, the exercise of riding will help.

[TWH_Girl]

I think people who are offering to say that the horse is still here mean well, and sometimes it makes us get out of our heads and realize we still have a duty to this horse despite not doing what we want- riding.

I get it- it sucks. I have a retired 12 yr old with a stifle issue and my riding horse is 20 and simply aging out. It does suck but so does wallowing in it for too long. I had to really change my perspective and expectation to learn to accept what things are and to stop wishing they were something else. When we choose to hold onto horses no matter what, part of that means we may not ride. At least for a while. Like all situations in life- it’s impermanent. Things will evolve and change. I would work hard at changing perspective or you will make yourself miserable. I’m sorry and do relate to this but your horse does still need you!

[SMF11]

You can still do stuff with Squash! You can take her for walks, like a dog (I did that years ago). You can groom her, just spend time communing with her. I call spending time with horses my “horse tranquilizer” because however I feel coming in, I’m always much more calm and content after spending time with them. Go spend some time with her!

[85union]

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to respond to my post with such kind and thoughtful responses. I knew that I would find people here who understand how hard this is.

[PaddockWood]

I’m so sorry. My God she is lovely and I can feel her kindness and giving in those photos. Your days with her were glorious and lucky you to have had them.

Does this feel like you lately? It sure describes how many of us feel with horses.
Life With Horses

Don’t give up. NEVER. That’s part of the life lesson of horses. You never know what will happen even if it takes time.

[LCDR]

Bless you for supporting four retired horses. Do they live with you? Are any of them still at a slow trail walk stage of life? Maybe taking one of them out will lift both of your spirts. Just amble along, enjoy the sights, and smell the roses. Spring is right around the corner.

[85union]

I have a blind pony that lives with me but I board the other two, Squash and Gunar. We only have 2 acres. Not enough room for them at home.

Squash could probably do some walking rides but there are no trails where she boards.

[85union]

Thank you. She so kind. I will always treasure the time I had to train in dressage with her as my partner.

[TWH_Girl]

She is beautiful. Maybe you just need to find a way to enjoy her as she is. Obstacles? Light trails? Warwick Schiller ground exercises?